You Should Dump Standing Up

A humorous post here at Street Boners and TV Carnage

Obama vs. Lewis: The Fight for Jerry's Kids.

Fun stuff here at SBTVC.

The Obama Deception; Disrespecting My Dad

This one is sincere and means a lot to me. Sorry it's on Streetcarnage - I hope you'll read it anyway. Here tis.

The Theory of Relativity, Revisited

I'm trying to take my Theory of Relativity to the next level, and I'll be expounding on it today on StreetCarnage. It's a lot of pontification and tripe, but moreover it lifts some phrases directly from Friday's post. I love you and I hope you'll read it and enjoy, but please don't complain that I did it on my album.

Here 'tis

Charles Schwab's Genius and the Theory of Relativity

I saw this Charles Schwab billboard ad yesterday.

I thought 3 things:

Thought 1) This ad is genius: the copy echoes the inner voice of millions and millions of near-retirement Americans who have just lost enough of their life savings to really be in serious trouble.

When these Americans feel their inner-voice resonate with the sentiment on this billboard, maybe they'll turn to Charles Schwab.

Thought 2) This ad is genius: IMAGINE the meetings that went into this shit:

Alright Jenkins, Americans have just lost billions of dollars by spending the last 40 years following our advice to the letter. How they FUCK are we going to get them to listen to us now?

And Jenkins, that fucking genius, comes back with this. Turns it right around on its ass - uses the enemy's momentum against him like Bruce fuckin Lee.

Here's another way of saying what it says on that billboard:

Over the years, we've given you a lot of advice - if you've been following that advice all this time, you've likely lost everything. Come to Charles Schwab for our next piece of advice.

Instead, Jenkins took the liability and turned it into an asset. Genius.

Thought 3) How dare they.

---

Here's the second part, my new theory of relativity, which is a non-sequitor except that it also relates to money:

I was going over my money last night, and saw that I have none. (wah) But it was then that an interesting theory hit me.

My first job out of college I made about 30k. I did alright, and could afford to eat out a lot. I had trouble saving though, and I wished that I made more money.

At my job, my friends and I used to talk shit about this dumb bitch that managed us and knew 500% less than we did. We hated her.

Anyway, we used to talk smack and debate how much money she made. We'd be like 38k, nah 40k son, get the fuck outta here.

We eventually found out how much money she made - FORTY EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR, and we were like ... noooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooo get the FUCK outta here!

And I remember going home and thinking about it all night. I thought and I thought and I thought and DAMN what would I do if I was making 48k??? It was like planning what you'd do with the lottery if you won:

man, I swear I'd just pretend nothing happened - I wouldn't quit working - nah, I wouldn't change nothin' - just put the extra money in the bank, keep living like the everyman.

But FORTY EIGHT thousand dollars - it seemed like all the money you could possibly need.

But then I got a raise, and another, and another; and somehow I was still never able to save money. I guess I must have done a little extra shit, but it really didn't seem that different at all.

That's me getting hit on the head with Newton's Apple. Here's Blognigger's Theory of Relativity: Your expenses are silently, sneakily proportional to your minuscule income.

For you kids that have never had a job before, let me break it down like this: It's like when you get an eighth of weed, and you make it last pretty well for about a week. And you think, man, if I had an OUNCE, I could be set for july and august and save money. IF I just had that ounce.

But then if you ever went and did actually buy a Z, it never even lasts 2 weeks. Buy more weight, you just smoke it faster.

Same thing with money, kids - right guys?

At this point I make more than 3 times what I made at that first job, and I still have NO FUCKIN MONEY!

...and all evidence points to the theory remaining consistent at "insnaely" high levels of income - just check out those crackhead fools on wall street repped by the the How The Hell Am I Supposed To Get By On 500k article in the NY Times.

You think they're scumbags, but if you had that much money you'd do the exact same thing.

It's all relative - a "theory" of relativeness, or relativity, if you will: your lifestyle adjusts to what you have, and you spend accordingly.

There isn't a way out, it's just part of the human condition.
Still hate those guys?

Have a nice weekend.

Obama's New America: Is This Shit Even Working?

Tomorrow, on a Very Special Blognigger...

Has anything really changed?

Now available at Street Boners and TV Carnage.