This is a humorous article that I've written for the popular website entitled Street Boners and TV Carnage. I hope you enjoy it! Tweet tweet!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Park Slope Food Co-op to Recommend That Jewish Members Wear Yellow Stars
Had to go local today, and FIPS is the place to do it:
Park Slope Food Co-op to Recommend That Jewish Members Wear Yellow Stars
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
God Enraged Over Stem Cell HIV Cure
Those of you emailing me disappointed over the new Blognigger update frequency will also be disappointed with The Black Beatles - a kikey collective I'll be making quick, carefree posts with, usually on Mondays.
Here's today's quick, carefree post: God Enraged Over Stem Cell HIV Cure.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Wake Up Ya Cunts!
(Time for the Muthafuckin Re-org)
"And don't forget the fuckin 1099's," says Bill to his wife, "I'm sick over this."
"I know," replies Katie, "but we'll handle it. Whatever it turns out to be, we'll handle it."
And they switch the lamp off, too exhausted to even dream of having sex, and pass out.
Cut to a large oak counter behind which stands a little rat-faced guy in a tweed suit, busily shuffling papers. Agents are clicking away on computers at other stations behind the counter, and Bill finds himself standing there before them, clueless.
The rat-faced guy takes a second to notice Bill, and then looks back down at his papers.
"Can I help you?"
Bill is there in his pajamas, baffled, and just blurts "What the fuck is this?"
The rat faced guy keeps shuffling his papers and yells, "NO ONE GOT THIS NIGGA SORTED OUT?"
Ding! Agent 31 is available.
"Step down please!" calls Agent 31.
Bill is still standing there dazed, but now a long line has formed in back of him.
"Go!" someone behind him shouts, annoyed.
"Step down please!"
Bill shuffles down to Agent 31, groggy.
Agent 31 is there, glaring into her computer screen, and takes no notice when Bill arrives.
"Where am I?" asks Bill.
"One second please," says 31.
She clicks, then types. Then clicks. They wait.
"Sorry my man," she says, finally looking up at him, "looks like a plane hit your house."
Ain't that some shit? Nigga goes to bed at night and wakes up dead: Continental Flight 3407.
I've never really been afraid of dying per se, (except that now I kind of am because I just picture my kids daddyless or being hit by big black newdad) but for some reason I've always been terrified of the irony of my own death - terrified of the idea of how stupid all this will seem if I suddenly go:
Nigga was worried about 1099's and a plane hits his house!
Nigga was afraid to fly so the muthafucka takes AMTRAK back from LA - then a plane hits his house!
Nigga was worried about blogging and suicide notes and book deals, and a plane hits his house!
There was a woman who died on that plane, Beverly Eckert, a 9-11 widow going up to celebrate her dead husband's birthday.
Can you even imagine, she goes to therapy for the last 8 years trying to stop vomitting every time she even sees a plane - FINALLY she gets to be ok to travel, but it's still understanbably shaky territory. Then she gets on a plane, and it crashes into a house.
Un fucking believable.
I've always been afraid of flying - horrified. I love when people point out how statistically it's much safer than driving a car. Bitch please:
a) No it's not- check out percentages instead of raw numbers of accidents.
b) If you do get into a car accident, you'll be ok or injured or die instantly - either way it's over quick!
But if you're about to die in a plane crash??? You get masks droppin, babies cryin, priests crossing themselves and then biting down on they cyanide capsuls - meanwhile, for you, it's like Six Flags Great Adventure Free Fall for 5 whole minutes except you know the whole time that you die at the end.
Hudson River, now this - and the shit happens in 3's.
Oh well - try to enjoy every minute.
Happy Friday the 13th!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thank God the Octuplets Bitch is Not Black
Those of you who emailed about update frequency on Blognigger 2.0:
I'm thinking that in general, 2 posts a week should work - one for SC on Wednesdays and one for BN on Fridays.
Today's will be up on Streetcarnage this afternoon. Thanks for all your warmf and support.
See ya.
[Update: Here tis]
Friday, February 6, 2009
Obama Digs Up Ayn Rand's Corpse, Dusts Her Off for the Buttcock
Alan Greenspan Set to Tickle the Balls
When I first read The Fountainhead in like 1997, I said Goddamn. I had spent so many fuckin years being beaten down by PC Propaganda that ANY controversial material that didn't suck the dicks of the poor and the weak were of the greatest appeal to me. Rare, exciting shit! How weird that it was coming from that broomhilda-lookin dried-up old cunt.
So subsequently, I became obsessed with that whole scene for awhile because that's the kind of faggot I am - I'm so goddamn lucky that I got married and had kids because I'm totally the kind of person who would have ended up in scientology or cutting off my nuts and meeting niggas in back of hale-bopp.I didn't go so far as to actually send money to anyone, attend any queer meetings, or join the objectivist dating site (get a load of those jerkoffs!) but I did do stupid shit like buy an Ayn Rand poster and read alt.philosophy.objectivism and all her horrible books and shit.
Ah, suck my dick, I was 22.
In any case, I look at what's happening now, and how can a nigga not shake his head:
What we are going through in the United States is every bit as crazy as the Berlin wall coming down and Boris Yeltsin standing on a fucking tank screaming about getting dem niggas some decent Coca Cola.
Pure Capitalism is failing, and Managed Capitalism will rise - the fact that Alan Greenspan is saying that the Free Market Ideology is Flawed? GREENSPAN!?!? What the FUCK? Good thing Obama already got Ayn Rand in his fridge to prep her for the shtuppin, because Alan Greenspan sayin some shit like that would have made the bitch roll over in her grave.
Well, fast forward 10 years to 2009, and I gotta tell you, I'm so damn proud of Obama for lubing up her deadbutt. I couldn't be more psyched about his Salary Cap plan for fuckers making millions and millions of dollars and taking OUR money after fucking up the country and then taking hawaii ski vacations and using hundred dollar billstacks as firewood.
Socialist Black president! Hilarious.
And I love that Wall St. cunts are trying to threaten us and scare us into giving them back their 12 million dollar salaries - WAH we have to get by on 500k WAH. Check out this article where they say it's BAD for New York because we'll lose all the top Wall St. talent to China and the Middle East.
Nigga please! Like these Sopranos-watchin execs who live in Summit NJ are gonna pull their kids outta Dwight Englewood and relocate the fam to Beijing.
Please Caitlin, give Shanghai a chance for daddy; This 9-piece beaks-and-feet McNuggets taste just like McDonald's on Rt. 4 back home.
...And to Ayn Rand I'd have to say: Look you Russian little slag, don't get so upset over a couple of salary caps - this can't be the kind of capitalism you envisioned in the first place- where a bunch of fucking fratboys go and play games and exploit loopholes and become millionaires without doing shit for society - and then fuck it all up and ask for federal bailouts?Ayn, you herring-loving jewbroad, listen close: Just like SOME people are too LAZY for real socialism to ever really work, this whole clusterfuck is proof that SOME OTHER people are too GREEDY for real capitalism to ever really work.
Man, the truth gotta be somewhere in between - these niggas need health insurance.
Mind my Ripple.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
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