Wake Up Ya Cunts!(Time for the Muthafuckin Re-org)

"And don't forget the fuckin 1099's," says Bill to his wife, "I'm sick over this."

"I know," replies Katie, "but we'll handle it. Whatever it turns out to be, we'll handle it."

And they switch the lamp off, too exhausted to even dream of having sex, and pass out.

Cut to a large oak counter behind which stands a little rat-faced guy in a tweed suit, busily shuffling papers. Agents are clicking away on computers at other stations behind the counter, and Bill finds himself standing there before them, clueless.

The rat-faced guy takes a second to notice Bill, and then looks back down at his papers.

"Can I help you?"

Bill is there in his pajamas, baffled, and just blurts "What the fuck is this?"

The rat faced guy keeps shuffling his papers and yells, "NO ONE GOT THIS NIGGA SORTED OUT?"

Ding! Agent 31 is available.

"Step down please!" calls Agent 31.

Bill is still standing there dazed, but now a long line has formed in back of him.

"Go!" someone behind him shouts, annoyed.

"Step down please!"

Bill shuffles down to Agent 31, groggy.

Agent 31 is there, glaring into her computer screen, and takes no notice when Bill arrives.

"Where am I?" asks Bill.

"One second please," says 31.

She clicks, then types. Then clicks. They wait.

"Sorry my man," she says, finally looking up at him, "looks like a plane hit your house."

Ain't that some shit? Nigga goes to bed at night and wakes up dead: Continental Flight 3407.

I've never really been afraid of dying per se, (except that now I kind of am because I just picture my kids daddyless or being hit by big black newdad) but for some reason I've always been terrified of the irony of my own death - terrified of the idea of how stupid all this will seem if I suddenly go:

Nigga was worried about 1099's and a plane hits his house!

Nigga was afraid to fly so the muthafucka takes AMTRAK back from LA - then a plane hits his house!

Nigga was worried about blogging and suicide notes and book deals, and a plane hits his house!

There was a woman who died on that plane, Beverly Eckert, a 9-11 widow going up to celebrate her dead husband's birthday.

Can you even imagine, she goes to therapy for the last 8 years trying to stop vomitting every time she even sees a plane - FINALLY she gets to be ok to travel, but it's still understanbably shaky territory. Then she gets on a plane, and it crashes into a house.

Un fucking believable.

I've always been afraid of flying - horrified. I love when people point out how statistically it's much safer than driving a car. Bitch please:

a) No it's not- check out percentages instead of raw numbers of accidents.

b) If you do get into a car accident, you'll be ok or injured or die instantly - either way it's over quick!

But if you're about to die in a plane crash??? You get masks droppin, babies cryin, priests crossing themselves and then biting down on they cyanide capsuls - meanwhile, for you, it's like Six Flags Great Adventure Free Fall for 5 whole minutes except you know the whole time that you die at the end.

Hudson River, now this - and the shit happens in 3's.

Oh well - try to enjoy every minute.
Happy Friday the 13th!