House Wigger

Holy fuckshot – I got this photo from a friend – it was taken in L.A. in August:


Pretty slick, huh?! She's ultra conscientious – It's so convenient to have a chick's race announced up-front like that. I'm pretty used to it because when I use the internet to select the whores I'm going to bang, they are required to declare their race so that I don't end up wasting my time with asians or pollacks.

One point is that my whores are also required to announce their cup-size, height, weight, any disfiguring attributes, whether they still have a penis, etc. It would have been nice if Sarah could have followed their lead all the way on this, but nevertheless she's obviously ahead of the curve.

So realistically, you'll call her a racist slit. Not me; I think she's trying to be a good businessman: she's using her whiteness as a sales tool, which is generally a damn good move.

Unfortunately for her, she's picked the one occupation where her whiteness is a negative.

You want a mexican lawyer helpin' ya out after that DUI arrest? Didn't think so - that's why you get those free from the State. Likewise, you don't want a white housecleaner, especially one that graduated from Columbia and is out in L.A. failing at having her boring short stories picked up by the New England Journal of Cunt.

a) She's gonna judge you
b) She's gonna photoblog your dirty apartment and the cleaning process
c) She's got all these morals and shit, and is going to turn you in if she finds anything illegal besides pot (the coke she'll just steal)
d) She's gonna write about you some day
e) It's probably all an art project anyway
f) She won't clean for niggers (may not apply to you)

Somewhat less than optimal.

Now, Astute Readers will see that I've somehow failed at deleting her phone number from the picture. Please don't call her unless you actually want her to clean your house or to see if she's open to adding a quick tugjob to the general sales package.

If you did call her, and perhaps conducted a humorous interview (in which you asked her to provide up-front proof of her whiteness) and recorded it, and put it on youtube, I would not be pleased. I would, however, have no choice but to link to it.

Happy labor day! Go Obama, huh? not bad huh? HUH? lookin kinda presidential, huh? HUH?

Happy labor day to whites and darks alike!

Sanitation Dept

Alright, check this shit out:



Who is this white demigod, whose glorious portrait sits above the common mexicans and asian Court st. clerks on the morning F-train? Who is this angel, looking like a cross between James Dean, Lee Marvin, and Glorious Leader Mao Zedong?

Well, he's supposed to be a homeless muthafucka, but yeah, I'm scratchin my head.

Why the fuck do they play us so? I've been in New York for 30 years, and I ain't never seen a homeless nigga that look like this guy. Why can't they just keep it real and throw up a picture of Black Hagrid or Zaxxon or some shit - now this muthafucka look homeless:


Why can't they just keep it real, right? Right? Am I right? WRONG bitches, see, I just wanted to get you to say that.

History lesson for you Generation-Z fags: The reason they can't keep it real is because back in the 80's and 90's, black activists and sniveling white asskissers spent the time they should have spent working and investing in Microsoft bitching about how fucked up it was that mainstream entertainment portrayed blacks and "minorities" as villians and ne'er-do-wells.

They scared the FUCK out of everyone with these relentless McCarthyistic witch-hunts, humiliating and destroying the careers of anyone who kept it real.

That's why twenty years later, our entertainment revolves around a sanitized, disney-ass fictionworld populated by white villians like the south-efffrican Lethal Weapon 2 bitch. That's why we have to pretend that homeless people are white and shiny and hopeful - because these poor advertising fruits are up against the gay black jewish zabars mafia. That's why you'll never get another kick-ass Crocodile Dundee that's-not-a-knife scene, where black kids just roll up on you in the middle of nyc. And even that fuckin movie was on the cusp, that's why they had to stuff a white dude into the bad-guy posse. Ha! Aweome- Like black muthafuckas packin knifes lookin to get paid would ever be chillin with some fuckin REO Speedwagon lookin muthafucka.

God damn - can't even get a decent black villian ANYWHERE in this muthafucka. All ruined by Jessie and Al and those jerkoffs.

Tell me any cool black villians we've had in the last 20 years. Marcellus Wallis? man, he ain't no villian - I'm talkin about BAD BLACK muthafuckas. Can't name a single one, especially one that fights a white hero. Ok, maybe one: Training Day. But I can name a million in the other direction.

Cmon, gimme some examples and prove me wrong again, smuggy - what are some good scenes where real-lookin black kids fuck shit up without having some white decoy thrown in there to throw off the liberal dogs. you can't! Think of what we're missing out on because of that shit! Thanks a lot PC fags - I guess I'll go watch fuckin Will Smith kick another white guy's ass now cause that's not offensive. cheers fuckface.

Ask Blognigger: Is it the Curry??

Astute Reader Beavis writes:

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2008 at 4:15 AM
Subject: certain smells
To: blogngr

yo bn

This is going to come off as extremely racist, but i swear i don't mean it that way. Whatever, I won't waste any more time with excuses.

Like you, I'm a software developer, but unlike you, I don't work with white googlers. The guys i work with are exclusively indian. I'm the only white guy on a team of eleven.

I don't mind them, they're pleasant enough and ok on smarts -- (seriously, and if you post this please keep me anonymous –- they are not as smart as white engineers, and everyone in the software industry knows it.) -- but there is one thing i cannot deal with. One on one, they're ok, but when you get a bunch of them together late night into one tight place like our qa lab... the smell is so bad I can't walk into their room.

Now, as a black guy, whose race, granted, isn't known for smelling like carnations: can you smell indian? have you? what does it smell like to you? what is that?? Is it the curry??

While we're on the topic, what do white people smell like to you? and what do other black people smell like to you? do you smell black people the way white people do?

thank god for you and your website so we can discuss the kind of stuff everyones really wondering.

-snip-


Hey Beavis,

Go fuck yourself! hahaha; I jest.

Listen, it's an interesting topic, but I can't really discuss it for too long without throwing up. Bear with me for a moment while I distract you with a relevant story:

A friend of mine is married to a flight attendant who works for Continental Airlines. We had dinner a couple months ago, and she told me a tale which caused me to lose my appetite and shit bricks. I'll give you the same background she gave me:

Continental now runs a twice daily flight from JFK to Delhi. Interesting point: Continental uses the same 4 planes for these flights - they've had to dedicate the planes exclusively for use on these routes. Know why?

You guess it yet? Or don't you wanna cause it makes you racist?

Indeed, you racist: The stench on the planes is so pungent that normal white customers can sense it with their normal white noses, and were the planes to be used for normal flights to Disney World and shit, the onboard whites would be likely to reach for a sledge hammer in midair and bash the windows out, preferring to be sucked out into the void at 30,000 feet than continue to expose themselves to the odorous assault of darkened Saag Panigger.

Quick analysis for the politically correct among us: say what you want about the cultural subjectivity of stench, but the fact remains: Having 300 sweaty Indians packed into a plane for 24 hours at a time makes a plane smell so permanently, so "distinctively," that Continental, fueled only by objectivist capitalism, was forced to shape its policy around this curious, culturally-subjective odor.

So the story itself goes like this: My friend's wife, the flight attendant, was stationed on one of these flights to India. Yes, yes, I'm sure the stench was unbearable, but pay attention: She was sitting in her little flight attendant's fold-out chair by the emergency exit, when an Indian woman poked her head through the little curtains hanging in the aisle. The Indian woman had a grimace on her face, and looked at the flight attendant as though something was not-quite-right. The flight attendant politely inquired as to the woman's needs, but the Indian woman seemed to just be ignoring her queries, never responding with a concrete answer of any kind. Instead, she squinted, she pursed her lips, shook her head from side to side, and continued to look uncomfortable. The flight attendant continued to iterate over the various goods and services she might provide (water? blanket? pillow? peanuts?) in order to ameliorate the Indian woman's mounting air of discomfort. The indian woman shook her head, rejecting each offer with decreasing gusto, until she finally zoned out altogether, leaving the flight attendant confused and slightly concerned.

Then all at once, the woman snapped out of it, and without a look, slipped back behind the curtains.

How bizarre, the flight attendant thought, and then sat back again to relax. All of the sudden, she became aware of an outlandish smell that cut through the ambient curryscent like a fart in a car. What the fuck... is that, she thought. She stood up, looked around, and moved slowly toward the curtain that the Indian woman had disappeared behind.

Squish; stepped right into it: A massive turd that the indian woman had squeezed out into the aisle. Right there. Ain't no metaphor– Indian woman took a dump right in the middle of the muthafuckin aisle. Liberals, please submit your descriptions of how the revoltingness of this is culturally subjective – leave 'em right there in the comments section so that the rest of us can laugh at you.

So, back to the heart of your question Beavis: YES, let's be frank: As all of us know, there are most certainly distinct racial scents that emanate from all of god's children. The conventional wisdom on the core food-groups of these 37 ethnic flavors tends to be the following:

Asians smell like pork
Indians smell like curry
Blacks smell like cow shit and sweat
Whites smell like money

No! Not money! Joke. The real conventional wisdom, as told to me by one of my Indian colleagues on a drunken New Year's Eve, is this: White people smell like..............MILK! I shit you not. Little Tandori bastard says yall muthafuckas smell like some 2% Dellwood with a big-ass missing teen picture on the back a the carton. You don't like his Amazon customer service? Take that ya little pink porky bastids! Niggas smell like some MILK, my priend. ho ho ho!

Now, as for my personal opinion - like everyone else, I've been in certain taxicabs that smell fuckin nasty and thick and yes: Indian (or was that Pakisani '92? excellent year) - but I can't say it smelled like Curry exactly. If it did, would you really ever eat curry again? It just smelled... Indian.

As for whether I can detect negrostench... well, I *can* kind of smell that black-person-sweat on other blacks: take my dark-as-Wesley cousins for example...muthafuckas definitely smell like some cow pie after a few rounds of 1-on-1 in they garage. However, take my opinion with a grain of salt: surely I can't be trusted as a representative sample of those much blacker than my little private-school ass. I'm sure Jessie and Al will tell you that blacks smell like nothing more than manly, bottleable, responsible musk.

Related observation: I have this gut feeling that the more "American" one becomes (or is that just "the-more-money-one-has") the less power one's native ethnic stench wields. For example, I assume you know the difference between FOB and ABCD Indians, right Beavis? Well I know some FLY ass indian bitches from Jersey and California - these girls are more American than my wife - if you eavesdropped on them having a phone conversation, you'd be sure it was Paris and Nicole talking about how to make themselves throw up by using a guy's cock. Anyway, they are DOPE girls, hot as shit - and you gonna tell me that if you took a 12 hour car ride with those girl's it'd start smelling like curry? FUCK you thinkin son - it wouldn't smell like nothin but perfume and pussy cause those girls are American heroes kid.

I'm quite American and I come from money despite my current destitute state, so I believe my native African stench has been tamed quite a bit. Plus havin a nice big helpin' a Thomas Jefferson's mudblood over the years can't hurt neither. (Plus it makes me a better writer!)

Goes for Asians too kid - you gonna tell me some DOPE ass San Francisco girl, who just happens to have slanty eyes but don't even know how to make a dumpling or use a hot towel - you think she smells like the Pr0k down there? The fuck outta here. You think Natalie Portman smells like MatzahCabbage?! The fuck outta here - those racial scents only really apply to fresh-off-the-boat niggas.

Except American white people: yall niggas still smell like milk tho ssssss-ssssss-sssssss-ssssss

Hope this helps,
Blognigger

Williamsburg Resident Would Still Bang Christina Applegate After Double Mastectomy

WILLIAMSBURG, Brooklyn (BNN) - Local resident Gary Bernbaum, a video store clerk at Kim's Video on Bleeker, today announced that he would still be eager to bang Christina Applegate despite her recent bilateral mastectomy.

The announcement took place as a Kim's Video customer purchased the Married With Children Season 1 Box Set as an ironic gift for the host of a Saturday night loft party in DUMBO.

"Man, I don't care if she has her vagina filled in with cement," remarked Bernbaum as he rang up the customer's merchandise, "I would throw a hurtin on Kelly Bundy in a milisecond."

Bernbaum's customer, who requested that his name be withheld, reacted with surprise, and inquired as to whether Bernbaum had ever actually witnessed the results of a bilateral mastectomy.

"It's irrelevant," Bernbaum explained, "my attraction to her has transcended the realm of the physical. I'm oldschool: growing up in a time before the internet, all I had was Robin Byrd, Midnight Blue, and Christina Applegate on Fox. I probably jacked off to Kelly Bundy over 500 times – cumulatively speaking, she's easily my #1 of all time. "

Bernbaum proceeded to elaborate, outlining his belief that the most powerful orgasms come not from a sexual partner's physical appearance, but primarily from the erotic tension built up before a relationship becomes intimate. Bernbaum's customer dismissed the notion, replying that Bernbaum's theory "sounded like some shit a chick would say."

"Whatever," Bernbaum shrugged to reporters after the incident, "I obviously don't care what he or anyone else thinks. I would tax that shit now more than ever. She deserves it; and I wouldn't avoid the breastal area either! I wouldn't make her leave the stuffed bra on or nothin' – I'd be lickin those nipple stumps, homeboy. After all she's done for me? I want her to feel like she's beautiful."

Ms. Applegate's office declined to comment.

Hillary Deletes "Dumb Nigger" from Facebook

Date: Sat, Aug 23, 2008 at 4:25 AM
From: firstsecondthirdlady@gmail.com
To: cclints@gmail.com
Subject: facebook help

Chel- sorry to bother you on a Saturday morning but this is important-

Give me a call when you can or write back asap - I need to know how to remove someone from my Facebook stuff.

Between us, it's Barack - he is completely stalking me and I'm going insane just awkwardly pretending not to get his messages........... ARGH he pisses me off so much - he just chose Joe Biden as VP - just so you know, this has 0 absolutely NOTHING to do with that decision - I've wanted to take him off for like two weeks, it's just that this reminded me.

ARGH i fucking hate him, he's just like any other dumb rapper nigger - as soon as he gets his, he forgets about the community and jumps straight for white bitches and jew lawyers. And then he's got the balls to keep facebooking me and I'm like fucking SHUT UP.

JOE fucking BIDEN what the FUCK?! The guy is like fucking McCAIN, 1000 years old, and runs off at the mouth like Rosie ODonnel and is not even going to bring in a fucking state! I was prepared for this and totally understand if he needs to dis me to go grab a klansman like flip the script with a republican senator or Wesley Clark or some shit, but fucking BIDEN??

Anyway, he's stalking me and I need to get him off the computer - please call when you can and let me know how i can delete him.

love you - mom

The Geneva Convention

Attention: The US government needs to immediately start distributing the following pamphlets to every woman on the planet:

Wait! Before I deliver the goods, let me relay a brief anecdote illuminating my motivation for once again developing rigorous behavioral standards to be followed by all.

It all started with this girl I knew in College – Her name was Megan. (Her real name!!!! Her real name!!! Her real name!!!) Holy sweet sunny JESUS was she a piece of ass. I have to describe her: Her face was SICK, and for me, at the end of the day, it's really all about a girl's face. (Unless she's a severely disgusting fatbody, Frank Drebbin, but I think that's only common sense.)

Her face was SICK, like hurtmynuts girl-next-door sick. Like Charlie Brown's little-red-haired girl on Sunday when she was in color, son. Argh, hang on... again, words fail, lemme find a pic. Something like this:


See?!? Sick sick sick hot. Anyway, Megan was in a computer music class with me 4 times a week. We'd spend every single class playing fuck-me glance-tag the whole time. Jesus, those eyes – looks of shy love and tenderness that pulled at my heartnuts and gave me such a deep deep ballache that when I'd return to my dorm room alone, with her in my mindseye, it would literally only take twenty strokes before I'd fire mayonnaise across the room and hit the ceiling and the wall from afar. I even hit my couch once, thereby, as many of you know, giving me Seaman's furniture.

After relieving the 20 pounds of ball pressure, I'd have to get into bed and lie in the fetal position with my balls resting against my down comforter, sucking my thumb like a damaged gulf-war veteran.

She was dope.

Anyway, at the end of the academic year, we actually talked after class and she was like:

"omg, it's soooo stupid that we never hung out!! What is up with that?? You wanna come over tonight? woot lol"

And I was like:

"Sorry, that just made me finish in my pants, lemme go clean up and i'll be with you shortly."

So we got scheduled for that night. I was dumb psyched; wanked it a few times at home so that I'd be able to hold out and make her part of Hornery's 23%.

I made investments: I dissed my crew, all going to see De La Soul play in town - I was all, "nah, sell my ticket B! I'm 'bout to get Megan Bromley on my TEAM son..."

Threw on the Right Guard Sport scent, a touch o' the fresh Drakar Noir on the lower theighs to freshen her senses - common courtesy for when she enveloped my balls with her collegemouth... Threw on my dope ass Pumas, and I was all fuckin set...

So I got to her house, and she was done up DOPE, like some bitch at the Oscars. She kisses my cheek, gives me the little-bit-too-long-hug, and I'm thinkin BAM I'm in there like swimwear cuz...

So she goes, "omg blognigger, we have no alcohol! Let's go get beer!"

We went and got beer, then came back to her place and she goes:

"let's go watch a movie in my room upstairs!"

I shit you not, I was almost unzipping my fly to give the guy some air so he didn't suffocate and dry up like Terry Schiavo. I was dyin like there was a tractor beam pulling me to her - I could barely wait till we got up the stairs to leap on her and soil her with my demon seed.

So we got to her tiny college bedroom with dreamcatchers and shit on the wall, and she put on a VHS tape of Ferris Beuller or some shit, and was like, "let's sit on my bed."

I was like: Yes. Let's.

By then I was sweating like a black man taking the verbal SAT. (puertorican at a job interview, jew at a tax audit, etc)

We get on her bed, I open two beers and she's like "cheeeeeeeers buddy! I'm so glad you're here! "

She snuggles up next to me and starts watchin Cameron and Jennifer Grey kissin Matthew Broderick and shit, and it's the moment: I lean in for the patented Blognigger soft side-of-her-lips kiss...

The bitch jumped back like Bill Parcells getting gatoraded in '86!!!!

"Blognigger?!?!? what are you DOING??? It's ME, your friend megan"

psssst, Megan; realtime: are you there right now reading blognigger.com?? Listen to me very closely: I knew who it was, BITCH - the fuck you invite me to your BED for, drinkin and shit after a year spent jockin me like mexicans on a white chick?? Bitch you fucked Alex Fennigstein that little scrawny-ass druggie and you wouldn't even let me see some sugar?!? I missed De La Soul you slag!!! And Q-Tip sat in!!! How fuckin dare you!!

I am not alone – I've talked to hundreds of guys with similar experiences. So like I said: We need some pamphlets up in this muthafucka:

Here is the priceless information to be distributed by said pamphlets. It's the newschool Geneva Convention, girls. [Note that the following tenets apply only to non-physically-deformed ladies; deformed ladies can now skip to the bottom of the page**]

(Not to be overly stern, but please remember that for non-deformed women, these rules are FUCKING MANDATORY) :

a) ALL women must realize and constantly consider the fact that ALL guys want to fuck them ALL the time. If you think a guy is "just" your friend, then you are living in The Muppet Show, and need to get Jim Henson's hand out of your ass and wake up and realize that he was trying to poach your pussy.

b) ALL women must remember: Any male attempting to talk to you definitely wants to fuck you, and at all times you should be asking yourself: given that this man wants to fuck me, am I doing anything to falsely lead him into the assumption that I want to fuck him too?

Examples of misleading actions include:

• Inviting him onto your bed.
• Inviting him into your house.
• Inviting him to "hang out."
• Accepting an invitation to "hang out."
• Not being the one to release his hand first when you shake hands
• Smiling at him
• Making eye contact with him for more than 1 second
  
• Looking at any part of him for more than .25 second.
  

ANY of these behaviors are hereby subject to the governing ordinances of the Geneva Convention, and in engaging in any of these behaviors, you as a woman agree not to act surprised if the recipient of said action immediately pulls down his pants and expects you to pleasure him in the lap.

Men also reserve the right to deal with Geneva Convention violations using the same methodology as this incredible fucking hero:




**Section for the Deformed: If you are deformed or seriously seriously misshapen or ugly, then godbless, the one positive in your life may be that you don't have to be aware of these rules. Go with god and be well. Hey: why not write me an email? I've been listening to "Friends" from Led Zeppelin 3 and I've got a gigantic, caring heart. I will converse with you and be your friend, like a prison penpal. Seriously, I don't want anyone to feel terrible, and I'm sorry you're deformed but remember it could always be worse. You will pull through!! You can do it and I can help. One word of warning, however: If I find out that you're not sufficiently deformed / ugly, you will hereby owe me a tugjob.

Have a great weekend!

Ask Blognigger: Do Black People Really Have Lower IQ's Than White People?

Astute reader Seth writes:

Dear Blognigger--

Gosh, I have a question that I have been wondering about for so long, and as a strung-out Jewish yuppie I can't think of a soul to ask, and Richard Hernnstein is dead, so here goes nothing...

Do black people really have lower IQ's than white people?

-snip-

Dear Seth,

Yes.

Warm regards,
Blognigger.

Ask Blognigger: Do Black Guys Really Have Big Dicks?

Astute reader Stephanie H writes:

Date: Thu, Jul 31, 2008 at 12:25 PM
Subject: Candid Question
To: Blognigger

Dear BN,

Long time reader, first time writer..........
My name is Stephanie, and I'm ashamed to be your typical Park Slope Jewish gentrify-er.

I'm writing you because I've decided you're the only person I can ask a certain question to. Honestly, it's a question I've been sitting on for at least the last 20 years. You are the perfecet guy to ask.

Sorry to be crass, (I'm sure you can already guess what my question is) but here goes:

Is it really true that black guys have large penises?

Thanks in advance for your candor-
Please keep up the amazing work!!

In true appreciation,
Steph xx

Dear Stephanie,

Yes.

Warm regards,
Blognigger.

"Homophobia" is for Fags

God's honest truth:

I attended a university so politically correct, that during my entire freshman year in 1993, I did not hear a single student use the word "bitch." No joke.

After earning my undergraduate degree in computer science, I went out to live in San Francisco because of how much I love the feeling of a man's cock in my ass. Haha! This time I jest; my love for cock had nothing to do with it – my move to the West Coast was all so that I could be a part of the late 90's html RGB / hexplosion of silicon valley.

That was 1997, which may not have been the height of the dotcom boom or the height of political correctness, but I assure you that it was plenty wired, and plenty gay.

At that point, I had spent about 17 years in the left-wing private-school infrastructure of the American Intelligentsia, and my head was pretty well pwned by their procedures and influence. I credit a couple of clutch experiences with jolting me out of the petrified hypnosis that enables political correctness. Here's one of em:

I was on a bus or muni or whatever the fuck they call 'em in San Francisco, a much younger blognigger back then, reading Irvine Welsh and Salon.com, going to Gay Pride festivities with my cool angry gay friends, and still fairly swept up in the dogmatic mentality of political correctness. I always felt lucky to be on the right side of the witch-hunt: Shit, I thought, I'm technically black, friends with all these angry gays... if I point the finger at straight white males and blame them for a buncha shit, it decreases the chances of anyone persecuting me for being a perverted, womanizing FUCK! (Attack; never defend.)

Anyway, back to the bus - one of the passengers was a short-haired young lesbian-in-training, and she was reading some literature that was no-doubt dripping with self-righteous, wounded queerness. (In my mindseye she has Birkenstocks on – I may be making that up, but it doesn't matter; regardless, metaphorically, she was nothing but a gigantic Birkenstock.)

So eventually, this black guy gets on the bus. Not like me – a real black guy – black as the ace of spades; he didn't have an email address. He sat down a couple of rows behind the lesbian chick, and the bus rolled up Market street.

I kept reading my Irvine Welsh novel until at some point, there was a disturbance. I still have no idea what happened, but somebody must have done something. I looked up, and a white guy about my age, who looked as though he had at least 2 email addresses, was staring at the black guy in absolute terror. He was sitting in the row in front of the black gentleman, and the black gentleman was going off upon him:

...EVER touch my mutha fuckin shit whiteboy Imma take yo muthafuckin monkey ass OUT. Nigga say he gonna take my shit up fuckin FAGGOT

––and that last word lit the bat-signal. That word was about the only thing that could have made anyone in 1997's San Francisco interfere with an aggressive black hoodlum harassing an innocent white graduate student. (After all, there were so many years of slavery hundreds of years ago to make up for, and while neither of these individuals were present for said atrocities, the people who owned plantations had the same EXACT skin color as the white people of 1997)

Well, Rock beat Scissors and Queer beat Black, and in a moment of indignant insanity, the lesbian turned around and said firmly to the black man : "Listen, there is no reason to get HOMOPHOBIC here."

Greatest favor anyone ever did this whiteboy; The black guy looked up in disbelief.

Admiral, halt the zone attack and call back our fighters - we are now prepared to demonstrate the FULL POWER of this battlestation on this bitch's home planet of Alderon.

A second later, he looked like he was going to remove her head with a KFC spork and his welfare check.

FUCKIN BITCH someone talkin to you? Little fuckin dyke-ass bitch! Nigga talkin to you? ugly ass MAN bitch? Fuck you think, BITCH!?? Dyke-ass ugly Bitch!

Ctrl-Z! Ctrl-Z! The woman had no choice but to turn around and stare into her book, her face red, her fingers clenched around the bookcovers as she absorbed his nigger-assault of Tenderloin trashtalk. It's safe to say that at that moment, multiculturalism and authenticity were no longer as appealing as they had seemed in her writing workshop.

Before long, the barrage got so fucked up that the driver, himself a "brotha," stopped the bus and addressed the offending gentleman in his own native black tongue, requesting the gentleman's immediate departure from the bus.

As the black guy relented and walked toward the back door, he continued to unleash his rage upon the poor lesbian. Then, just as he descended to the exit door, he flipped the script; His unlikely, final salvo has had a very lasting effect on me:

Mophobic?! Dyke-ass bitch; I ain't afraid of SHIT!

Well, he was right about at least one thing: It is a pretty remarkable word: Homophobic.

In typical usage, we all know that Homophobic is used to describe anyone who condemns, hates, or is prejudiced against gay people. It's extremely condescending, if you think about it: the idea that anyone who hates you or discriminates against you is afraid of you.

[from wikipedia]
Theorists including Calvin Thomas and Judith Butler have suggested that homophobia can be rooted in an individual's fear of being identified as gay... At least one study indicates that homophobia in men is correlated with insecurity about masculinity.

I mean, what a crock of shit, huh? Looks like the coiners of the term "Homophobia" are officially taking an "I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I" stance.

If you hate me because I'm gay, it just means YOU'RE gay! I know you are but what am I!!

Even worse, the term seems inherently apologist. The insinuation is that hating gays is not the hater's fault; it's just due to their fear of gayness. They don't hate homosexuals out of malevolence, but rather due to their own neurosis, anxiety, and issues. Jeez, sounds more like Woody Allen than Fred Phelps.

So, with this evidence on the table, let me present a conclusion for all of my gay friends. I know you know all this already, but it will be fun to say it together:

Gays,

The people that hate you, at best, want to see you robbed of your civil rights and unable to have a family, children, or medical care. At worst, they want to see you beaten to death with bats. 90% of the people that feel this way are NOT motivated by fear of you, fear of homosexuality, or fear of the possibility that they themselves may be gay. They mostly hate you because they believe in an invisible zombie monster that tells them what to think.

That's who you're dealing with; People who believe in The Shining. Tony's a little boy that lives in their mouth. They're scared alright, but not of you: Other than the Fire Zombie, they're also afraid that their kids might have the chemical, turn out gay, and that as parents of a fruit, they'll be ostracized and mocked by Ed's bowling league.

These people aren't victims, and they don't need therapy or training. They are fucking assholes who deserve your anger in nomenclature as well as action. Now, that said, I propose that instead of "homophobes," the gay community begin referring to these people as FUCKING FAGGOTS. How's that for a switcheroo? Makes the decontextualization of the word "nigger" seem like the work of elitist OED nazis.

No, YOU!!

"Homophobic?" Fruity, please. What a load of bullshit. Now, anyone gots a better word, I'm willing to listen, but pick something more accurate. Did anyone else grow up saying "fag-basher?" I don't know; somehow that seems offensive.

Dark Black Monkeys Crush and Humiliate Shaven Spanish Whiteboys

I hate the fucking Spanish. Lots of reasons:

A) I had a FUCKED up 9-11, which I will tell you the story of sometime but not yet. My wife and I were married shortly afterwards. She's an international-type chick, and has lots of friends from around the world – a bunch of 'em from Spain. When they came to our wedding (October 2001) With Tribeca still smelling like Auschwitz and smoke still coming up from ground zero, they brought their asses here and were already talkin shit about my peoples...

yesyesyes the attacks ees terrible but i think thees is a natural result of forcing the world to eat your shit for so many years.

That shit is like coming into a mother's house after her son gets shot up and being like "Yo bitch, yo dead-ass son still owe me two-fiddy;" No class.

That's another thing that sucks about George Bush and his retarded failed policies abroad – fuck squandering all the imaginary good will – he also caused all of us to forget that all these smug euro fucks hated us far before Iraq. At least the Intelligentsia in Europe did: they hated us far before they could condescendingly shake their heads in the Tea Lounge and talk about how the US was a dying Superpower while coming NY to buy apartments in the village and iphones for pennies on our weak-ass dollar.

B) Spain is the most xenophobic country in the world. They LOVE to talk shit about how accepting they are – but they're all WHITE! How they gonna talk shit and condescend to Americans while we're over there, but meanwhile, they've never had to actually LIVE with all different kinds of people the way we do! This shit isn't as easy as it looks, BITCHES.

C) Something that ignorant privateschool kids such as myself do not palpably realize until they go south of the border farther than Cancun or Tijuana: Ya know all those little darkies with sombreros down there? (You've seen em before in nyc too: they the niggas wearing Metallica shirts who work outside bodegas arranging flowers and shit)

Well NONE of those darkies spoke spanish back in the day: I know it's a trip because they remind you of slowpoke-rodriguez and that nigga have a spanish accent. It's tough to think of those muthafuckas as NOT speaking spanish – but I'm for real: Couple hundred years ago, all those bitches just spoke Aztec and shit: Native-type Mexican Indian shit.

Know why they all speak spanish today? Cause White Spanish muthafuckas went over there from Spain in boats and killed em all and raped the women and gave the kids small pox and said SPEAK SPANISH NIGGAS!!

I have no problem with such colonization, that's the way of the world, but today's Spanish people frontin like they Oprah while the US is the great Satan and shit??? Negra, por favor.

d) The Spanish are so racist they even piss ME off, and as yall muthafuckas know by now, that shit is a feats.

If you saw the famous Bryant Gumble piece on HBO Real Sports about racism in Spanish / European football, you know the deal. If you haven't seen it, that shit is a MUST - I don't think it's on youtube - hunt it down on ebay or hbo on demand or some shit, it RULES. You think Marge Schott was fucked up in the 80s? These Spanish fans bring bananas to games: no shit. Every time the black footballer gets the ball, the spanish fans do a monkey chant and throw bananas at them. Wish I was lying. That's why photos of the different spanish teams doing the slanty-eyed poses shouldn't surprise you one bit:



Thus, I generally feel that the Spanish can blow me.

Anyway, that's why even though you're not a sports fan, you should have enjoyed watching big black americans DESTROY the cutesie spanish whiteboys in China today. What's funny is that the Spanish team are the WORLD basketball champions... oh but wait - there's one country that didn't seem to be a part of that competition... the ONE WITH ALL THE GHETTO BLACKS. Gorgeous gorgeous sight for sore eyes: REALLY big FILTHY RICH black guys crashing into the terrified spanish google-users, dunking over their heads, staring them down, talkin shit, and hanging on the backboards like monkeys. Whaddya know; not a banana in sight.

blogs < 'Nell' Starring Jodie Foster

"mmmmmTA-TA! Chik-a-Pay TA-TA." -Nell

Holy shit, "blogs" are sooooooo fucking boring - they are boring the CUNT BATS out of my internest.

Now, I'm not a huge reader of so-called "blogs," so most of you guys know more than I do, but while in teh Hampt0ns, I was clicking around the so-called "blogoshpere," seeking some entertainments as is my wont, and holy shit, it was literally more fucking boring than 'Nell' starring Jodie Foster.

I knew it'd be a nightmare out there, but I never could have expected this: Like a million of the most boring, astoundingly self-important me-me-me cunts on the planet all published their meaningless lifestories at once, each one just convinced they're the next Anne Frank.

My interest in "blogs" all started a couple of days ago when astute commenter Donkey Kong hipped me out to a "dis" that a "blogger" left on my "blog:"

Yo man -

This is hilarious-
I love my man "umbornbrooklyn" dissing YOU about "when does the entertainment start." (8-11 2:46 PM comment on your Who Am I post)

You have to check out HIS blog - it's the tamedest most yawnable shit I ever seen - what the fuck makes SUCKAS think they can FRONT!?!?

Thought you'd like to know I rolled up on his site and gave him a piece of my mind.

peace
D-Kizzle

The boy is a little overzealous, but you know he has a point? I checked out this guy's "blog," and I can't even read the text under the About Me & This Blog section on the left. It's SO boring.


I'm being serious - trust me, this is embarrassing for an intellectual black man to admit: I literally can't get my eyes to focus on it and read his description without bailing out and thinking about white pussy by the end of the second sentence. Look at all that fucking text!


Then look at one of his articles, take the first one.

END of an ERA!?? Isaac Hayes? The fuck outta here; No spin? No attempt at an ironic twist? Just a wah-wah-wah I remember the first time I was at the drive-in fingering a black girl and heard Chef rasping away over the radio and now it's too late cause he's gone to be with L Ron Hubbard and by the way here's what I had for breakfast and these are my pictures of a parade I was at and here are some of the fireworks I saw on the 4th of July and I HATE breast cancer (good one dk) and this is the craziest sign I saw on the street and you just can't get a good slice of pizza on flatbush anymore because of white people and here's some corn that we shucked this weekend and it's like being fucking TORTURED by my mother-in-law making me sit through her INSANELY boring life – and just like this jerkoff, SHE's the only one who thinks it's cool and interesting.

And it's not just him! It's everyone! All these "blogs" just telling me what they had for lunch and taking pictures of some old fuck doing laundry on flatbush and being like "oooh, authentic!" and since it seems to me to be everyone else I need to apply my grandfather's principle here. He taught me this:

If you know more than 3 complete assholes in your life, then it's probably you.

So is it me?

I told my best friend about this and he goes "ah, come on, what about gawker, boingboing, go-anus..."

And I said, "jewnigger, get the fuck out of here, those are not blogs. I don't care what they call themselves to take advantage of web2.0 hypesx0rs. Anything with a fucking marketing department is not a blog, period. A blog HAS to be ONE (at most TWO if they're married) ONE jerkoff arrogant faggot posting his own shit onto a web-log, period - blognigger is the perfect example.

So tell me wiseasses - is there shit out there that you actually read and is DOPE? Where are all the good "blogs?" Fucking help entertain ME for a change.

Finally, let me just say that of course I have about 5 blogs in my head that I do think are GENIUS - I won't list them here - that way when my jerkoff friends write me and are like "what about me?" I can be like, oh yeahyeah, you're one of the entertaining ones.

Whaddya get a free bowl a' soup with that hat? Oh, it looks good on you though.

TA-TA!! Chika-pay-leek-TA-TA!!!!

Jesus Fuck; Monk's Happy Dance

Once saw this video of Thelonius Monk at the piano – don't want to google it; seems sacrilegious somehow – jammin away all sweaty and blinkin' and shit. All of the sudden, homeboy gets up from the piano while the jam's on, and starts dancin around wavin his arms and spinnin like a deadhead.

The White interviewer afterwards was like "what exactly was going on in those moments, Thelonius?"

Monk said something to the effect of "I play music to get to that place - but once I'm in that place, there's nothin I need to add. That was the place; there was nothin I could do but dance."

That's how I feel right now - Jesus Fuck: the comments on yesterday's post are so fucking good - there's still so much there - that we don't even need another post today; just need to dance nohomo.

Ask Blognigger: Should we cut our kid's dick off?

Astute Reader Jake the Jew writes:

Date: Mon, Aug 11, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Subject: Circumcision
To: blogngr@

Hello Mr. Nigger-

Keeping up the subtle Jewish theme of the past week, I need to ask you the following:

-snip- ... we're jewish ...
-snip- ... my wife is pregnant ...
-snip- ... and we're having a boy...
-snip- ... not sure whether to circumcise....
-snip- ... What's your take?

-snip-

Keep it up!
Jake The Jew

Sorry Jake – it's the readers, see – VERY little tolerance for a whole buncha slow jokes and slow prose, so I gotsta chop all your creative shit out and just help you get to the point.

So, you wanna know whether to cut the kid's dick off, huh? I hear ya.

Listen, you've come to the right place on this one, as I've got a whole bunch of experience in dealing with this particular issue.

Lemme give you a little background:

a) I am circumcised.

b) I had no choice whether to be circumcised.

c) I am positive that sex feels better (to a man) if he is UN-circumsized

d) Whenever I think about this issue and become a trifle indignant over my involuntary dick-removal male clitoral-ectomy surgery, I stop and consider the fact that for me, sex feels TOO GOOD AS IT IS – so objectively speaking, it's probably a good thing that my foreskin was removed: IF opposite-of-viagra pills existed, i.e. medication which simulated temporary castration and killed libido, I would certainly pursue acquiring them due to the fact that I am consistently troubled and frustrated by my unshakable desire to fuck everything that moves. (Female, 18-59) Based on these facts, I'm willing to admit that if being circumcised has removed any amount of pleasure from the sex act, then for me it was probably a good thing.

e) I am married to a JEWISH WOMAN (easter egg 2.5...pre-emptive response to your next comment: Yes her father commit suicide but it was before she even met me.) and IF we have a son, he is NOT circumcised.

There's the background, now let's hijack the foreskin trolly: There are 3 traditional arguments for circumcising your child, other than the basic "That's what god says to do." If you're swayed by "that's what god says to do," then godbless ya, Baruch Hashem, stop reading and go cut its dick off because nothing I can say will convince you otherwise.

Here are the three traditional arguments FOR cutting off el tipo:

A) "Well, we went back-and-forth on it, but in the end, we want him to look like his dad."

Now, lemme ask you a question: How the FUCK he gonna look like Dad when Dad got a big ol' sack 'a hairy nuts? Like junior's bald, centimeter raisin is really gonna look like dad's Paris-Hilton-craving redness. Stupidest shit ever. And by the time Junior's got a big healthy hog and ballsack of his own, like he's really gonna be lookin at his dad's dick?

Cross that shit off the list right now. Next:

B) "Well, we went back-and-forth on it, but in the end, it's just so much cleaner to circumcise."

Listen: Dick and balls are the filthiest, nastiest shit on the planet, even worse than the ass and vagina. You better teach the little nigga to WASH that shit, foreskin or not. How stupid you gonna feel when you cut his dick off to keep him clean, but his 4-year-old sister still throws up when he holds her down and makes her sniff his circumcised cocknballs. Yeah, like circumcising it stops it from smelling.

Listen - the ass is pretty filthy too - why not start every kid off with a colostomy to make sure their anus stays clean? The fuck outta here.

C) "Well, we went back-and-forth on it, but in the end, we don't want him getting made fun of in the locker room."

Alright, I got you covered on this. For one thing, I will never admit to seeing another guy's dick in a locker room in highschool - of course I peeked a couple of times, but I'd never ADMIT it, let alone make a comment on it!?? Gimme a fuckin break; don't cut your kid's DICK OFF just to protect against this situation – just teach him to defend himself thusly:

Their kid: "YO, what's wrong witchyo dick holmes? Whaddup with the skinhat up on the front of it??!"

Your kid: "YO, whatchoo lookin at my dick for, fuckin FAGGOT??"

Check and mate; Fin.

In summary: Can it really be right to cut a piece of your kid's dick off, Especially if you don't even keep kosher or keep the sabbath? REALLY?? That's the tradition you're going to uphold? Seems like you got your priorities backwards, son:

Aw nigga, I don't wanna get up and go to TEMPLE every Saturday. and no cheeseburgers? FUCK that shit! Oh but word, I'll cut his dick off no problem.

So Jake, if I've convinced you not to do it, get ready: prepare for your inlaws to throw a shitstorm so bad you'll wish you could cut out your own balls and stuff one in each ear in order to keep out the relentless barrage of their grating jewish voices.

Don't worry though – again it's Blognigger to the rescue: Just forward your mother-in-law my answer, and I guarantee she'll understand.

Hamptons Diary, Day 1

Dear Caitlin,

I'd forgotten how the August morning sun can melt away one's troubles. Another year has kissed the manor – wait until you arrive – it's as if each yearly return touches a milestone in our vast, continuous stream of existence; tattered, rusty markers, not unlike the buoys themselves, guiding yachts adrift in the lanes of this quiet sailing community.

We arrived on Friday – Maria and Luis seemed happy to see the children – I often question though, whether their affection for us is truly authentic. I know you and mother will grimace at the suggestion, but I always seem to detect something in their greeting; something short of the fondness that they portray. I must confess to having frequently wondered whether they occupy the main house itself, when they are sure that all of us are safely tucked away in Manhattan.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I did not apprise them of my plans to arrive a day earlier than scheduled – perhaps somewhat in the hopes of catching them off-guard. Indeed they seemed to be residing in their quarters, but that has not convinced me of their innocence with any certainty; it's probable that they curtail their illicit occupation when the calendar even approaches the date of our scheduled return.

In any event, the children are scheduled to ride with Mr. Sessions this afternoon. Ashley is getting too big for us to return to Meadowbrook and not have a proper excuse for why she hasn't begun her lessons by this age. With Bryant, thankfully, we still have a couple of years before the mindless neighborly judgement will start to rear its fecund head.

Now Cait, I realize that you arrive Wednesday evening, but I simply couldn't wait to reach out to you on the matter of the hate site. Todd's idea was so brilliant that I've sent maria out to buy him a bottle of McCallan 25 – your husband is an absolute prince. His invention of "The Jew" (I actually settled on "The Chassid" – like a typical jew but far more religious - if you've seen the creatures in big black hats with long hair and sideburns, those are they) has proven more successful than I could have possibly imagined.

Not only will I be able to refrain from "posting" during this week at the manor (leaving my evenings free to work with Todd on the logistics of his acquisition) - but the readers of the site now see me as some kind of freedom fighter! Robert "blognigger" Dobbs, Jr, champion of the first amendment.

Even more fantastic/al: as a deserving and earnest African American wunderkind, several readers themselves have suggested taking up collections to assist in bolstering my cause! It is "the least they can do!"

I'm in partial mind to abandon endgame as we speak - who needs to sell advertising when the liberals themselves are just dying to throw money at me hand over fist!

Regardless, observe my subsequent stroke of genius which all but rivals Todd's creation of "The Jew:" I've denied the liberals' request to be "allowed" to send me money! Consider it – this "noble" act of principle can only solidify my position in their hearts. In the softening for infiltration, I hardly think any other action can be quite as endearing, quite as effective.

We eagerly await your arrival, my dear. Please express my gratitude to Todd in advance, but leave the McCallan as a surprise of course. Also, if before departing you'd be able to vouch for me with Father- just express your confidence in the hate site and let him know that by the time elections are here, the site is quite on schedule to be the tool that he commissioned.

Ah Caitlin, the mentality of the liberal class is so base, so predictable. I was always certain we'd be able to control them, but what I could never have foreseen was their absolute lack of common sense and skepticism; it's all been just so easy.

To think these faggots take me for a nigger!

Looking forward to having our families together again shortly...

Best,
Robert.

Warning Shot: Chassids Take Bernie Mac as Blognigger Conflict Escalates

CHICAGO, Illinois (BNN) – Tensions between Blognigger and the Chassidim reached a boiling point Saturday evening, when unnamed Chassidic sources claimed credit for the death of 50-year-old comedian Bernie Mac.

"Bernie Mac has paid the ultimate price for the crimes of the Blognigger, " announced an underground website maintained by a militant faction of the Chassidic Community, "His holiness Hashem, blessed be he, has struck down the infidel as he cowered in a hospital bed. Praise be to Hashem, blessed be he, creator of the fruit of the vine!!"

Hardline members of the Chassidim have been calling for the extradition of Blognigger since Monday, when the blogger published a piece of writing that the group deemed offensive to the Jewish faith.

"As long as zee shfatzas refuse to obey Hashem's words and turn zee Blognigger over to answer to His justice," declared a source close to the group, "then Hashem commands us to strike out against zee infadel until His word is obeyed. Blognigger cannot be allowed safety - vee vill take him as he eats, as he valks, as he sleeps - Baruch Hahem God villing, vee shall be victorious above zee infadel."

Blognigger himself was unavailable for comment; His exact whereabouts unknown, he is believed to be in seclusion along the coastal Hamptons region of the north-eastern United States. In lieu of direct contact with the blogger, BNN conducted interviews with several of his associates.

"Frankly, 'BN' has brought this on himself, " explained Anonymous 5:25, "when you speak negatively about a group of people, you basically forfeit your rights to complain- no matter what happens. Censorship is necessary in some cases- Personally, I'm willing to sacrifice a little personal freedom if that means that people cant make fun of other groups of people. "

LawNigger, a Manhattan Attorney and close relative of Blognigger, appeared shaken when BNN caught up with him outside of his Upper-West Side residence to break the news.

"Are you fucking kidding me," blurted the corporate litigator, "are you sure blognigger posted again - did you actually see a new post on that goddamn website?" he said, shaking his head and walking away from reporters and into his apartment building, "Jesus fucking christ, it's impossible to defend this egotistical faggot."

"Blognigga, yeah I know that nigga, " explained a frequent commenter who goes by the name of Zaxxon, "we was chillin up on my cousin's on Friday banging on GTA - that nigga change up his shit, stand up and say he had to be out early cause he talkin bout he have to post. I said nigga you spossed to be on Hiatus fool! He said damn nigga back up off me. I said yo son why you change yo mind - he say: nigga i been watchin Back to the Future, pops – at the end Alex Keaton give that professa Nigga from Taxi a note about the Libyans, but the professa rip that shit up and say he don't wanna fuck wid the timespace continuum. So when that nigga go forward in time again, he catch the professa just as the Libyans roll up on him. Lit his ass up son, but that nigga had a bulletproof vest cause he TAPED up the note and shit! And Alex Keaton can't believe his muthafuckin eyes and he said, "What about the timespace continuum doc?!

And the doc look at him and go: "Well, I figured; what the hell."


...dedicated to the inspirational Bernie Mac; one very funny muthafucka.

Hiatus

Guys, I'm not going to be able to post for the time being.

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to start back up again soon. Thanks for your emails but again, I can't discuss the situation right now.

I can leave commenting enabled, but I've updated the disclaimer at the bottom of the site - please remember that none of the comments on the site necessarily reflect my opinions, and again, this entire blog is a parody and a work of fiction.

You guys are the really the cream of the crop - thanks for everything.

A Modest Proposal: Permit the Chassids to Take Suck Upon My Crinkly Ballsack.

You wanna know why the Chassidic community should seize this opportunity to wrap their bearded mouths around my lightbrown balls and taint?

Nah, it's not that they'd buy handjobs from goyasha girls but then refuse to shake my white wife's hand. (And believe me, I seen 'em in the spas plenty back in the day – particularly the asian joints – gettin they tug jobs on, gettin back into they suits in the locker room alongside a common shfatza, and then gettin back to Williamsburg in time for shabbis.)

Nah, it's not that they treat their own women like mindless, second-class baby-shitters. (g-d help them if they try and leave the cult)

Nah, it's not that out of all the ethnic groups in the five boroughs of New York City (32 year non-scientific sample) their randomly selected representatives consistently scored the lowest on pleasantness, respect, and eye-contact, earning the only flat ZERO in the study. (Seats Yielded to Pregnant Women, BNStatalytics trial 44, 2003)

Nope. Nope. Nope.

The reason that the Chassids can suck my nuts is the same reason that the fundamentalist Muslims can suck my nuts, and the fundamentalist Christians can suck my nuts, and the fundamentalist Heaven's Gate Devotees to the Evolutionary Level Above Human could have sucked my nuts, before they cut off their own nuts and got into bed tucked into purple shawls with black Nikes, drank poison and got theyselves KILLT.

The reason they can all suck my nuts with such gusto is because not only are they convinced that their invisible monster is the most powerful, fearsome, benevolent, vengeful entity in the universe, and not only are they convinced that they must devote their entire lives in utter subservience to their invisible monster, but they are irretrievably, irreparably convinced that EVERYONE else on the planet must do so as well – and anyone not doing what their invisible monster "says" are evil faggot cuntslingers destined for fire and hell and Newark.

Don't fuckin tell me what to do - that's a common theme with me. Rapes my rage valve worse than anything. I have a personality disorder and when you tell me what to do I lash out, Astute Reader, and needs the medication to attend to my works.

Now, are the Chassids the worst? FUCK no, are you retarded?? The Muslims are the worst, and THEN come the Christians, and THEN the Chassids, and THEN Heaven's Gate. That order right there is fuckin obvious son - the Muslims fly planes into buildings! Imagine a chassid tryin that shit?? Gettin they beard caught in the boxcutters and shit, big-ass hats bumpin into the airplane console and deploying the landing gear and whatnot. Wouldn't happen.

Seriously, can't believe you'd even ask; The Muslims are obviously the worst.

I mean, the Chassids are definitely annoying as FUCK, and the Christians are all anti-gay marriage and shit, (invisible monster HATES the cock) and sure the extreme ones blow away the odd abortion doctor; but dude: The fuckin Muslims are the ones who kill us in 2012 for chrissakes! You can't compare that with some dumbass in a suit, not shakin hands with bitches and takin up 2 subways seats with his big stinkin ass. I'd become a Chassid if we could get rid of all the fundamentalist Muslims.

But yo - I live in NY, so I don't have to put up with mass quantities of Islamic Fundamentalists, Christain Fundamentalists, or Heaven's Gaters: I HAVE had to put up with a whole shit ton of obnoxious Chassids, which is why they piss me off, which is why I'm blogging about them here on my fuckin BLOG, which you don't have to read, Frankenstein. As a bonus, I don't give into terrorism, NIGGA, so back the fuck up and save the threats for your wife.

So that's all I'll say about that; Now quit makin me get all black and shit, it makes me DUMBER every time I have to use that gland, like some Bruce Banner shit.

Now listen, Astute Reader; take my hand nohomo, and join me in the beautiful blognigger world of making fun of everyone, especially ourselves and each-other. If you don't, we're still gonna make fun of you anyway, so you might as well join us and laugh. Try it - start right now: Instead of all that angry ass shit, just say this: "Blognigger... Suck... MY... Balls"

try it! "Blognigger, fuck you faggot!"

try it! "Blognigger, suck my muthafuckin DICK"

try it! "Raaaazor...RAZOR! Miiiirooor....MIRROR!"

I swear to Jesus, Allah, Yahweh AND The Elder Member of The Evolutionary Level Above Human, that if ALL yall tight ass muthafuckas could just learn to tell people to suck your dicks instead of jumping for lawsuits and explosives and destruction, you would SAVE this fuckin planet and we wouldn't all die in a nuke war in 2012.

Enough; I know you won't do it. Just sayin is all. However, like a talentless old boss of mine used to say, "I expect senior folks to lead by example." So here I go:

Astute Reader, you want an apology? Suck my muthafuckin DICK.

Tell Blognigger: You Will Be Sorry.

Astute reader writes,

Date: Tue, Aug 4, 2008 at 10:29 PM
Subject: Your Blog
To: blogngr

Sir,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a Jew. My grandparents are survivors of the Holocaust. I was born in Brooklyn in our great country, went to school here, lived here my whole life. I am an American, but first I am a Jew.

Let me be honest. I dont like your blog. I dont like the way that you position yourself. I dont like your use of the N word. Its always amazing to me street children using the word to curse each other,, using the word like it was a compliment. Its one thing for them to do it. But for you who obviously has a big expensive education and a brain on your shoulders. I dont understand why youwould disrespect yourself and your people like that. Ill tell you it makes me angry but its none of my business what you do with your own people.

What you do with your people, thats none of my business. Your people. But when you take it to my people, that becomes my business.

In your post today, you showed a very serious disrespect for religion and for the Jewish people. You are cursing a very serious matter which our g-d has commanded us to follow. Maybe religious belief and the word of g-d is something that its very easy for you to think is a joke but it doesnt give you the right to drag g-d and his people through the mud. Look at the comments on your post. youve made a place for people to come and be anti-semitic and laugh at Jews.

You have freedom of speech because of our great country which I hope you appreciate.

What you do not have is the right to do is to discriminate on people based on their appearance or their religion. What you did to this man was illegal, in g-d's eyes yes, and since you dont care, let me remind you it is ILLEGAL according to the state of New York as well.

Let me give you this offer. Tomorrow, for your post, you make it one big apology to the jewish people. Give us that post. Explain why you wrote what you wrote, and why it was wrong. Just have respect, be respectful, apologize, and we can go our seperate ways.

If you do not apologize, I will take it that you are not sorry for the hatred, and Im telling you Im going to take action. I can find out who you are and where you work. You think bloggers are anonymous but its ridiculous. I can find out who you are, and remember that what you did is illegal. It is illegal not to hire someone based on religion and I will hold you and your company for it. You will lose your job. If you think I am joking try me.

Also, I also dont think that Google should be paying for a site like yours, a site that teaches hate, and thats exactly what they are doing by putting ads on your homepage. If you do not apologize, I will write to Google. Everyone in my community will write to google to get your funding removed. I will show them that you are a hate site, and that to support them will result in a boycott.

I am absolutely serious about this sir. I urge you to think of it. It takes a simple apology, and an agreement not to do it again. If you dont apologize, I can guarantee you you will lose your job and I will press charges on you for discrimination.

Dont write me back because I dont care to speak about it.
Make it your post for tomorrow or the next day, by Wednesday morning if there is no apology, Im going to act, and believe me when I tell you I will win this. Believe me when I tell you you will be sorry now or then.

You went too far sir, but its not too late for you if you just apologize.
Very truly yours,
-snip-


Normally I don't share my hate mail, but this one has a deadline. Looks like I have until high noon tomorrow.

Got any advice?

Gotta admit the guy has some set 'a matzaballs.

So check this out – I'm in the elevator on Friday, heading back up to work after lunch, and there's this young chassidic guy who steps into the elevator with me. Homeboy's enormous: must be 6 foot 5 and he's shaped like a bottle of Manischewitz. Real young looking, doesn't even have the hardcore sideburns yet – more like just a bunch of pubic hair chillin on his face. He obviously doesn't even glance my way, as is customary for the chassids.

Like I've said before, I'm used to having white people kiss my ass everywhere I go, but chassidic jews are the absolute exception. I've always assumed that they all just dislike the shfatzas, but my best friend tells me that no, that's just how they roll with everyone who isn't them. He says that they generally act like they're the only people on the planet, just behaving like complete assholes to everyone who isn't wearing the getup.

So I'm in the elevator checking my hatemail on the ol' gPhone, and I don't really stop to consider the chassid at all because I'm used to seeing them in the building: There's like a tailor shop or somesuch on the 5th floor, so dem niggas is always going up and down in our elevator. (there's literally a tailor shop - it's a specialty place for their suits and whatnot – I'm not just saying it all racialist like "oh there's a bank in our building," or "oh there's a herring monger in our building," or "oh there's an undercover hollywood-control-facility in our building," etc)

Imagine my surprise though, when the guy goes past 5, and then gets off at my floor! Oh snap, I thought: Wonder what this nigga's up to.

So we walk together past the reception desk, and lo, there's our Engineering HR Director apparently waiting for the chassid! She's all bubby and shit, as usual, like they all are: just strippers paid to woo engineers and big-up our health benefits.

She reaches out her hand and gushes to him, "Hello Moishe, Lisa Steinberg, it's great to meet you!!" You can tell she's being extra sacchariney sweet to overcompensate for the fact that he's a chassid. She wishes she could say "Ohmygod, just so you know, I TOTALLY love you because I have NOTHING against inbred goliaths who dress like they're in 18th century Lithuania. In fact, it totally works for you, just like, stylistically, and I also totally admire your steadfastness and aversion to bathing."

But wait...

Something isn't right; Her hand is outstretched, orphaned for just a moment too long. Within a few more miliseconds, it becomes clear that he isn't going to shake her hand. Holy. Fuckin... I grab the popcorn, and kick back to watch the trainwreck.

He puts up his hands in apology - "Aye...am soggrry." he says, shaking his head but not really apologizing, "I cannot uh...."

But she ain't givin up shit; keeps her hand outstretched, and is not lettin the nigga get out of it without a FULL explanation. It's quite remarkable what is occurring: her inner, reptilian brain has involuntarily prioritized being a PROUD HUMAN AMERICAN FEMALE before her outer, cerebral-cortex desire to be a politically-correct retard. Go Lisa Steinberg!

"Uhhhh," he continues... "We cannot, uh - I don't shake hands with a woman for my religion I am sorry."



YEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH BOYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

The blood is completely drained from her face.

"Oh, ok, I understand Moishe, come this way please and have a seat while blahblahblah," they trail off to go fill out forms and shit.

I think I remember swallowing for the first time right then. I can't fuckin WAIT to go tell everyone. That shit is fucked UP!!!!

So finally, when "Lisa Steinberg" is done, I go and bombard her office.

"What the FUCK is up with that shit!!!?," I tease her, "Oh no he di-int!"

She's shaking her head: "I mean, I just.... ," she stammers, all psyched that I was a witness.

"You can't hire a muthafucka like that, right? I mean... "

She looks up at me: "I really hope he sucks."

He sucked. I met with him, and he totally blew. Thank god. But the point is this: How you gonna go, into the modern American world, hooking up that 18th century shit?

Listen, I'm all for religious freedom in an abstract sense, but niggas GOTTA be prepared to pay the price. You can't not be willing to shake hands with women and be in business if you're not in Kandahar; how we gonna send his ass out to a client?? Yall know I fuck around and post videos of Sean Connery tearin' it up and shit, but come now; Won't shake a woman's hand??? Man, I don't give a FUCK what your religion says, that shit cannot even ALMOST hang in 1988 nyc... And it's 2008, son!!

Consider his offering, if you will, from a branding perspective: who the FUCK wants the same shock / confusion / distaste that Lisa and I felt to be a part of their customers' experience?

INTRODUCTIONS

Hello, we're the team you're paying millions of dollars to hire. We're excited to be providing bleeding edge technical solutions for your enterprise, and are delighted to be working with you, 'cept for the nigga we keep in the corner who look like frankenstein and can't touch your hand cause you might be on your peroid or just a dirty cocksucking whore. Now where all the money at?

That religious tolerance shit is ROUGH, jack; Some short-haired white females want you to be tolerant of everything. I'm just dying to go up to their little booth where they chill next to the adopt-a-dog shit out front of John Jay on 7th and be like...

Religious Tolerance in the house!!!! Respect! (act all Black and shit so they have to listen to me and nod, respectfully receiving my empowering blackSupport) You guys are really doing the lord's work here, I tell ya... I mean, look at Pakistan - the country has been oppressed by the Bush regime for the last 7 years. So they believe that women should be covered up, big deal, yaknow? Pakistani men aren't bad, it's just a part of their culture! And who are Americans to disrespect their religion, you know? And if Pakistani women even look a man in the eyes they get stoned to death! But that's when tolerance becomes more important than ever, you know? When you're challenged by these painful differences and forced to like, look in the mirror? I mean, it's not how WE do things necessarily but, it's just so part of this WESTERN way of thinking that our beliefs are somehow superior, you know? Anyway, keep doing the lord's work here girlies. And fuck those sandy bitches, right? Why should they read, yaknow? ok cuties? ok honeypies? my bitches? my hot slut bitches? Ok bye baby bitches BITCH. bye honey titty girly girl bitches. Whatchoo got under dem curtains chickenlittle? -- " (etc etc etc until chased from the premises.)

It would be cool to film this entire interaction so that we could watch frame-by-frame to see exactly where their faces drop; to pinpoint the instant that they realize I'm not an African American but rather just a disturbed, run-of-the-mill nigger.

My endorsement wouldn't mean nearly as much.

But hey, the lack of said endorsement was enough to keep Moishe from getting a job at my company. Not that anyone else liked him either... You feel me on this? Think our clients, especially female ones, would be understanding of his little "idiosyncrasy?"

Ever had an experience like this? Where you at?

Blognigger vs. Cuil

Here's half an easter egg: I don't currently work for Google, but I have spent years working extensively with their engineers and other members of their organization in a professional capacity. Deep within my fucked-up self, I have a monster blogpost waiting to hit the internets, all about how horrible Google is to work with, what a bunch of brainwashed arrogant enslaved little fuckwads they are, and how one day they will crumble and be devoured by a billion lawsuits – Unfortunately, most of their software is fucking awesome, and I'll have to wait until I no longer depend on them for $0.45 a day in order to really tear them a new cockhole.

My point in telling you all this is that I really wanted to love Cuil – I would LOVE for Google's demise to be made hyper-imminent by a bunch of whiny ex-employees disgruntled because Sergey stopped givin' em free daycare. No dice - Cuil sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls and is set to become iconic of failure like the twenty-first century boo.com.

The greatest thing about their story is that after spending 36 million dollars in vc funding, they clearly did not have a single real person use their site for a day (We replaced Google with Folger's Crystals!) and report on the problems they encountered. What fuckin hubris, and what a hunk of shitty software it hath spawned.

Wait – no – that's not the greatest thing. The greatest thing is that what Cuil touts as being its
edge over Google, the founding principle upon which all of this 36 million dollars was spent, turns out to be the very cause of their downfall: We search MORE webpages. Ha: This is absolutely what happens when the pigheaded, elitist mentality of a software engineer is allowed to run wild without being put in check by the evil pointy-headed business guys from Dilbert. FAIL:

We search MORE webpages.

Guess what: That's the opposite of what the consumer wants. MORE webpages?! I want LESS webpages! When I search for something, I want 3 results MAXIMUM - and I need them to be the stuff I actually want - not results taken from the 50% of world-wide-web that is so useless that Google doesn't even index it.

MORE webpages?! The whole point is that there are too MANY fucking webpages, and I want the results culled down to what I actually need. MORE webpages?! Why didn't ANYONE stop these guys!?

Here are some of the most awesome FAILS for Cuil:

1) Need to find a restaurant? Let's try Dizzy's Park Slope: Google vs. Cuil

-vs-

HA. Fucking Fail. Incredible.

2) Need to find the latest cool shit you seen? Judge Judy Earthquake Video: Google vs. Cuil.

Cuil: NO results found?!?! Fail!

3) Need to learn to do some badass shit? Burning Dvds: Google vs. Cuil.

Ha! Try typing that one in - even after the Auto completion recognizes the phrase "Burning Dvds" Cuil finds NO Results!!! EPIC Fail!

4) Cuil won't correct spelling! They couldn't even rip this off properly?! 1/2 of my google searches have Did You Mean shit which I switch to, and sometimes I search words just as a pre-emptive spell-check! FAIL!

5) The ultimate crime: Cuil can't find blognigger, even when you search for it directly. This is emblematic of the whole problem - when you search for something, Cuil returns wacky shit based on searching MORE webpages, instead of looking for what real people want. They couldn't take my search term, add ".com" to it and send it back? FAILS!

Enough. Listen - there's a deeper lesson here for academic fuckwits of every discipline. Think about your fucking audience, and test your fucking product to make sure it does the same. (To the 30 people about to send me ironic hate mail saying they'd rather have read about Black Hagrid instead of this post, shove it up your ass instead.)

Example: I used to be in a writing workshop filled with academic retards. The retarded failed-novelist "teacher's" mantra was that plot doesn't matter - that writing was all about characters, prose, etc etc. Well, the people who know her potential audience better than she does obviously disagreed, as they keep rejecting her fat boring ass to this day. Her shit will never be unleashed until the general Will-Smith-loving public.

Go enjoy cuil while it lasts; hurry before it's just another static html entry in wikipedia's list of Culturally Significant Failures.

Droppin Loads!!