A Boy and His Dogpenis

Well, this is clearly the greatest thing that has ever been on Gawker.

One thing that really rapes my rage-valve is when someone creates some fucking awesome internet shit, and then a whole bunch of lazy, talentless fucks come and rip it apart in the comments section and in their own shitty blogs; therefore, I won't levy ANY criticism upon this near-perfect piece. I will just say though, that another fantastic addition to this list would be The Dog Penis Lady, whom I've been meaning to send an APB out on for some time.

The Dog Penis Lady is the greatest NY Eccentric (nice nomenclature) of all time, and makes Black Hagrid look like a nubile wallstreet summer-intern. Remember though; I'm prone to Hyperbole.

I should say that I've only seen her once, and I wish I had exchanged business cards with someone else on the train that day so that I'd have a support system, not to mention some assurance that she wasn't just a figment of my imagination.

Her elusiveness is frustrating and surreal - makes me feel like I'm in a kafka novel or Twin Peaks or some shit -- she's just out of reach- look:

That's her! Yes! First two links are clearly about her! So I click the first one.... but the page loadtime is LONG...need to reboot wireless router.... (this happens EVERY time there's a world-wide-web page I'm in extreme suspense about viewing) Finally page loads.... Command-F Dog Penis... Nothing found!!! NO MENTION OF DOG PENIS LADY. Why the fuck is google fucking with me?? Even the fucking cache has no mention of Dog Penis Lady. Why do you taunt me with it then, you arrogant, dining-hall-eating, thousand-year-stare, internet-genius fuckwads? FUCK YOU!

Ha! ya gotta love google's similar pages link in this context:


What pages are similar vis a vi my the quest for the Dog Penis Lady?

• The Dog Vagina Lady
• The Cat Penis Lady
• The Dog Penis Man
• The Cat Penis Girl
• Dooce.com
  

Enough! Listen: let me tell you about my first and only encounter with The Dog Penis Lady.

PACKED F Train. Smith and 9th above ground, she gets on. I hear her LOUD volume break the consensual morning hush - those jutting sounds that on a subway always indicate that trouble is afoot. Her voice fades slowly in:

on the Goddamn train but thank JESUS CHRIST that OSAMA BIN LADEN is going to kill every single goddamn one of you - you're all going to DIE on this train like dogs you die like dogs by osama bin laden for being dog fuckers - you FUCK like DOGS with a DOG PENIS. He's on the trains he's bombing the trains he's killing you with the bombs - andgetridofthefuckinDOGS! Look at em! Satan's DOGS have their own FUCKING DOG PENIS that they shove up each other's asses while they're waiting to DIE. thank GOD! thank GOD you're going to fuckin die.

And I mean, it's not SO far away from 9-11 and especially the Barcelona bombings that this doesn't cause WAY more than the average amount of stress that's normally caused by a crazy person on the train:

• Does she have a bomb?
  
• Is she right??
• Does her saying that shit mean that it might make it happen?
• If it does happen, will the irony of her predictions mock us all?
  

You sort of mix all these ridiculous questions with her being a fucking PSYCHOPATH, but at the same time, you sort of wish that someone would push her out of the train so that she falls to her death like the wicked witch of the east and the ATTACK BARRAGE of psychosis just halts.

So no one throws her through the window. (What do you do if you NEED to get out of those windows?? That shit is like bulletproof these days.) Anyway, no one throws her out, so it just continues on like that – and LOUD:

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS GONNA KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SATAN'S DOGS WITH A DOGPENIS

People start glancing up for brief respites from pretending to read Kite Runner and White Teeth and shit, just needing an instant of human contact from other brooklynites (sniff- i luv u guys- (really)) so that they all know they're ok. (See why I wanted that support group - I been through fuckin NAM son)

So, at the climax of dogpenismania, this puertorican woman CUTS through the barrage at the top of her lungs like fuckin Aquaman:

EXCUSE ME BITCH I'M WITH MY SON AND YOU TALKIN A LOT OF SHIT RIGHT NOW I DON'T WANT HIM HEARING - CAN YOU PLEASE SIT THE FUCK DOWN OR CHANGE CARS?

Nope, the train didn't burst into applause, which means we still have a ways to go to eliminate PCness from our culture (hence the importance of blognigger). There were see a lot of happy and moreover enthralled train patrons, but there was still a palpable feeling of "OH that's just not right - she is mentally ill and you must not ATTACK her in that way."

Again I'm a pussy; I should have ripped off my shirt and stood on the seats and said "WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? APPLAUD! AQUAMAN JUST KILLED THE DOGPENIS LADY."

Anyway, what really happened is that The Dog Penis Lady got all discombobulated. She hustled over to the puertorican woman and went:

LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE - where's your SON? Lemme See him - Lemme see him ......... OH OH OH - NICE SON - With his DOGPENIS

And everyone was like "oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh" jack that's cold. The doors were opening, and The Dog Penis Lady shoved herself off the train, and continued to rant her way down to Smith Street.

I think the kid was ok - she hadn't really done anything to him, though what the hell am I saying: I still remember when I was 3 and some old Dominican guy with a scary mustache asked me for a bite of my sabrett pretzel - If he had screamed the word DOGPENIS at me, I'd probably still be in therapy, not just on Lexapro.

I looked at the kid, and of course he was drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating fritos and shit, and I just thought damn - he's got a brave mom, but why they gotta feed their kids that shit, especially in the morning, it's revolting. Maybe he'd be better off with The Dogpenis Lady, or at least they could do a reality show where The Dogpenis Lady acted as their live-in nutritional consultant:

WHOLE GRAINS AREN'T ENOUGH - IT CAN'T HAVE ANY ENRICHED FLOUR OR IT GIVES YOU A DOGPENIS. IN THE MORNING YOU NEED LIVE YOGURT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE NOT ON THE TRAIN OR OSAMA BIN LADEN KILLS EVERY FUCKIN ONE OF YOU

It's amazing that they feed their kids that shit. Especially on the train. Seriously, I know blahblahblah - actually wait - I don't know; Defend the puertoricans for doing that. Send me inflammatory email and leave smug comments. You have my permission to tear my shit up on that. Witchya dogpenis.

The Nanny Diarrhees

There's such a fucking fantastic debate going on over at Park Slope Parents. Believe it or not, the current baffling asininity revolves around whether or not it is derogatory to use the unspeakable word "Nanny" to refer to your child's brown caretaker.

Kick-ass!!

Now, we never had slaves when I was growing up, we ourselves being black and all, but I do have some quality stories thanks to my Jewish best friend. Boy would these stories make the parkslopefags feel retarded for debating such tame drivel.

For instance:

My friend - let's call 'em Jacob - Jacob's grandparents had a black housekeeper that they referred to as "The Shfatza" - and not behind her back! They would talk about her while she was amidst them, presumably dusting and polishing and whathaveyou. The Shfatza! How do ya feel about that term Park Slope Parents? Where do I click to have ya debate the derogatory nature of that one?

That's not even the good part; the good part is the following rule of Jacob's grandparents' household: Jacob's grandparents preferred if Frieda (The Shfatza's real name - just called him to ask!) would only clean one room at a time - whichever room they were in! If The Shfatza did have to go into another room for some reason, the rule of the house was that she needed to continually clap her hands until she got back. Yes. They wanted her to clap her hands, of course, so that they could be sure that she wasn't stealing anything.

shhhhh!!

Wha??

HUSH UP Herb; I can't hear the shfatza clapping... can you?

Wha??

Clapping! ... FRIEDA!? ... FRIEDA!!.... Are YOU CLAPPING!!? ...
Herb...... cawl the police.

See, that's how muthafuckas used to roll, so forgive me if I don't get bent outta shape over newschool slaveowners using this particular N word.

Jesus, these Park Slope liberals getting themselves all bent outta shape about WORDS again. They don't give a shit what they DO, as long as they say it right, and can point the finger at others for saying WRONG...

...and you should see how they DO:


Hi Bernadine! Thank you SO much for coming all the way here! GREAT to meet you - I have another friend from Trinidad - she's an AMAZING woman. Tyler is going to LOVE you - Listen, after beansprouts he has a REALLY rough time walking up the hill - so if you could just call Arecibo instead - they come in about 5 minutes - we laugh cause they always say "5 meenut!" - they're AMAZING though, they do usually come in about 5 minutes- and PLEASE take the carseat with you so you can strap it into the backseat of the cab - it weighs about 30 pounds, so... you may need to take the shopping cart - it just folds up, ok? Then strap the carseat into the backseat - it just clicks in - it's ILLEGAL not to use it, so... Ok, and just pay for the cab each day, we'll totally get you the money back - is at the end of each month fine? Is that cool? Save your receipts, ok?

So when he gets home, make sure he poops ok? Like RIGHT away - He has to poop as soon as he gets in because he'll go in his pants otherwise and he WON'T tell you - his dad gets really mad when he ruins underpants so please remember. Also, when you wipe him it takes forever - but just use two wipes MAX with regular dry toilet paper, then one with a baby wipe, but NO MORE than that ok? He is really sensitive and gets like, a reaction so don't wipe any more than that - If there's still doody there just use a little water and keep rubbing it out ok? just the side of the hand works, it doesn't need to be your fingers ok? but get in there good- PLEASE, ok- because he is also gets rashes if there's any left in there. Just use warmish water, is that cool?

Also if he pees while he poops which he always does, just make sure that it's also wiped off - but definitely do NOT use toilet paper for that, ok? The tip of his pee-pee gets really red and sensitive - just use a little water mixed with a TINY bit of vaseline. Also he likes when you just kiss the tip before you tuck it back in ok? Not the tip but like, the little ring? And pretend it's like... a fireman. ok? Just say "bye little fireman!" and kiss it; mwah! ok? Is that cool?

Oh my god Janna, you have SUCH a great relationship with your nanny, I can't bel-

"NANNY??!" -- ohmygod Kate, Patronize much?!?!

O Newsman

it is only you that truly understands

Ask Blognigger: The Don Imus Annual Blacktacular

Astute reader Gina writes:

From: Gina
Date: Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:19 AM
Subject: Imus. Please discuss.
To: blogngr

WTF? Imus goes and makes another "racist" comment. Or did he? I'm curious on your take. Thanks!

--
Gina

Lemme tell you Gina, I'm of the opinion that Imus should immediately be fired from his job at ABC; not because of any racial controversy, but because he is a talentless hack with no listeners, no ratings, and no act.

Jesus christ does he suck; I mean, the guy is just moments from death. Have you heard the actual tape of him saying that shit? He sounds like newschool-Weekend-at-Bernie's-ass Dick Clark. He's never been funny, but now he's just sad.

That being said, you don't have to be Ayn Rand's Gimp to understand that you should let the free market handle this shit. Okay, so Imus makes fun of Nappy-headed ho's or some shit like that. Who gives a fuck?? Okay, so now Imus is too senile to remember that he's in front of a microphone so he forgets to lie and pretend he loves Blacks - who GIVES a shit?! Who the fuck is he? Why does anyone care?!?!

I'll tell you though - I do think we're watching a very disturbing situation unfold - These racial fucking McCarthy hearings are so infuriating to me that I don't know who to blogslap first:

• King of All Blacks, whose statement makes him sound like a cross between Michael Corleone and my paranoid schizophrenic cousin Roland:
  
  "It has been reported to me that statements were made by Mr. Imus this morning and National Action Network has monitored his show since his return...We will determine in the next day or so whether or not his remark warrants direct action on our part as we did in April of last year."
  
  What the FUCK?? They've got someone monitoring Imus in the Morning?? So as African Americans, we've got all of our problems solved, so now we can spare additional resources to listen to Imus full-time? Am I on fuckin Punk'd?
  
  You wanna go out for a quick drink, boo?
  Naw baby I gotta be up at 6 for Imus.
  Shiiit, Imus Imus Imus.
  Cmon baby don't be like that.
  
  
• Black people who have nothing better to do than protest THIS. This is your issue? Really? Imus? Uh, by the way, April 11th 2007 was a Wednesday; didn't yall muthafuckas have work?? (Yeah, I know it's an old link, but they'll be up to some shit like that in another day or two.)
  
  
• The melodramatically Angry Whites who go out of their way to spastically lunge out against Imus with slap-boxing and bile. Methinks thou doth protest too much.

Nigga please - look at this fucking WITCH HUNT!!

Here's the problem with all of this: Now, you will never hear me use that goddamn term, "racist," unless I'm fuckin around or making fun of someone. That term is one of the most overloaded and meaningless words in the language. The 90's killed it for me, like the Simpsons.

Everyone in the world is "racist," - i.e. we all hold racially-based assumptions and opinions, make racially-based generalizations and decisions - 100 times a day. It's a ubiquitous fucking construct in this society and this culture. What are you, retarded?

The problem with this kind of Witch Hunt is that it enforces the myth of an externalized "racism" - it gives us scapegoats to point our fingers at, and protects us from having to look inward in order to examine our "racist" tendencies and understand what motivates us to make judgements, decisions, and laws.

Man, I don't give a fuck about what ANYONE says - ANYONE! talk talk talk; nigga please. Give them kkk niggas blogs and broadband. Go hook it up, fools; talk yourselves to death. Nah, I'm concerned about laws and action, and we got some muthafuckin "racist" problems that involve both:

[Fuckit, It's making my vagina hurt to keep saying that word, so I'm just gonna call it "communist" instead.] You know what's communist?

• Gay people who love each other not being able to get married and raise kids.


• Fuckin Fred Phelps' godhatesfags and godhatesamerica churches tormenting mothers of dead soldiers at their funerals.


• Christian terrorists killing Abortion doctors.


• Lesbian Muslim activist Irshad Manji getting constant death-threats from psychotic Muslim fundamentalist terrorist scumbags.


• My fuckin WACK ASS cousins treating my WHITE WIFE like shit (oh snap, easter egg #1!) because they think I'm a sellout.

...and yall niggas are worried about IMUS?!?!

That shit is communiss, son, and I won't tolerate it.

In summary Gina, you're not alone. All americans are asking, why does Imus hate us? Imus hates what we see right here on this blog; Imus hates our freedoms -- our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other. He hates our ideals, he hates what we stand for, and he hates our way of life.

We're not deceived by his pretenses to piety. We've seen his kind before. He is the heir of all the murderous ideologies of the 20th century- he follows in the path of fascism, and Nazism, and totalitarianism. And Imus will follow that path all the way to where it ends: in history's unmarked grave of discarded lies. Jesus it's depressing that nobody got that. Looks like EricF's right - I gotta get back to Black Hagrid.

Sincerely,
Blognigger.

right-click >> actions >> report negroes

I need to get my tits on some medication to prevent me from becoming obsessed with threads like this.

I realize I'm like one of these idiot savants from an Oliver Sacks case-file; I'm thinking specifically of the Prime Number Twins, who are brought to focussed euphoria from the mention of LARGE prime numbers - the higher and more complex the better. Likewise, when I see a thread that is densely plagued by idiocy, especially when multiple layers of stupidity intersect and form a Cartesian product of retardation, I just can't look away or stop Reloading.

Synopsis:

1. Heather is a popular blogger whose stated purpose is to take pictures of Dogshit.
2. She takes a typically wacky-ass photo of some random Brooklyn arT K!dz involved in some "weird" form of pretentious junkyard shenanigans.
   
3. Gothamist picks up the post as a breaking news story, files it under news, and prints language so baseless and incendiary that it makes The O’Reilly Factor sound like All Things Considered.
4. Several armchair-vigilantes reading Gothamist become alarmed, and decide that this is their big chance to make the headlines of Gothamist by busting up a crime scene using only their mouse and the internets.
   
5. Batman puns are subsequently not tolerated.
   

Here's the part I'm most obsessed with - look at the photo closely, and try to picture it with and without the large black gentleman in the foreground. Without the black gentleman, it clearly looks like a shitty school play from Wesleyan. With the black gentleman, it starts to look a little bit more like a fucked-up Wendy's robbery.

Yes, either way, you have to be on acid (or perhaps from Connecticut) to think that this scene is "real" and that danger exists, especially when you consider the fact that a tiny female blogger took a well-composed photo of the scene and wasn't raped and killed. However, it is completely obvious that the presence of a big fucking NEGRO in the foreground makes it seem more like a crime-scene. I mean, what the hell is a black guy dressed like that even doing with those white people? Shit wait, looking at it again now I'm starting to think it's a crime-scene.

Here's the funny part: You know me by now- I would never blame anyone for being scared of the blacks. It's a natural product of the constant social reinforcement of the blahblahblah-dezenuts. That's obviously not the remarkable part! The part that I've been laughing about is the anticipation of how the armchair-vigilantes would react with denial and defensiveness when I pointed out the usage of their DetectBlacks plugins.

So-called blognigger, that is FUCKT UP. It has nothing to do with him being black. When I see an image of someone tied up and looking SCARED, I react. With or without a giant black negro.

Yeah, then how come no one reacted to this image, linked from the same exact post, which is 50 times scarier and looks like it's from a russian snuff film.

It was time-sensitive you giant black menace! We had to right-click >> actions >> report negroes NOW or someone could be hurt.

Well, that's what the PC movement has done in this country. These vigilantes still have their animal fight-or-flight instinct tuned to detect and fear the Giant Negro, but the poor bastards are also beaten down by the dykes and latina homos of the PC police, and therefore they have to vociferously deny to the death that they are enemies of McCarthy and are members of the communist party.

Well fuckit, I do love Gothamist, and was authentically surprised at how retarded their post was. While I lost some respect for them today, I have to say I gained a LOT of respect for most Gothamist readers, who reacted incredulously to the utter fucking absurdity of this post. Faith in humanity++. oooh, strange feeling!

shit- brb, negroes

Appetizers

Alright, check this shit out:


Yeah, I know you've seen it before: it's part of the MTA's shock-and-awe campaign against the injustice of a nausea-free morning commute.

Listen: who the FUCK decided to put this shit up on a subway that I gotta stare at first thing in the morning? What, getting up at 6AM to go suck the man's dick for 10 hours ain't bad enough, now I gotta look at mami's chopped-off fingers before I've had my morning coffee?

Questions:

First of all, how the fuck did smoking even do this to the woman? The bitch got lungs in her fingers? Hardly seems like a mainstream enough consequence to use to threaten niggas.

Second of all, it's q3 2008 - does anyone still think smokers don't know smoking is bad for them? Will even one single New Yorker quit smoking because of these nauseating signs??

1: Yo money I cou get a smoke?
2: Nigga you crazy? You seen that subway bitch's fingers?

Third of all, and it's neither here nor there, but I love to think about how they got this photo in the first place:

1: Yo mami, now a ok time to come and take pictures?
2: Oh certainly dears, please come in! Let me fix you some tea.
1: Naw, we straight- uh, ca we just take yo photo realquick?
2: Of course dears, Ethel from the MTA said you'd be by... Well, help yourselves!
1: Could you just uh, hold up yo hands mami?
2: Certainly dear, but whatever for?
3: Cause dem shits is fuc-
1: (Elbowing #3) It's for the uh, anti-smoking campaign that Ethel mentioned?
2: Of course dear; let me hold up my right hand for you- I'm afraid it's in a little bit better shape than m-
3: Nawbitch we need the one wid all dem fingers chopped off son sss-sssss-ssss-sssss

etc etc

Now, even more horrendous is the MTA's support for Bus Drivers Fixin to Make My Nuts Hurt:


SNAP that is FUCKED UP; Still makes me shudder while I'm uploading the image. Lookin all sad and shit? And not only does it hurt to look at, the shit is incredibly exploitive! Put a little deformed baby on the back of a bus?! The fuck is wrong with you.

Yeah, I'm not retarded - I know that these people would claim the moral highground:

So-called Blognigger,

We are attempting to raise awareness of a preventable, treatable condition that is in dire need of private funding. These images, while disturbing, help to draw attention to the suffering of thousands of families in the tri-state area alone whom blahblah-blahblah-dezenuts .

My retort:

Infantopimps,

These images make my nuts hurt and I do NOT want to have to look at them every time I see a bus. You are exploiting helpless children by dragging their deformed shit behind chariots like the vanquished Achilles. Take that shit down NOW.

And damn, compared to fingerlady, it's far more fucked-up to think of how this picture was acquired:

1: Madam, your baby is a monster; can we put him on a bus?
2: (*sob*... BANG!)

...and I'm the insensitive one. Fuck that shit.
brb; fingeraids.

Burkagate

Shit; Screw you for making me stay on this goddamn political topic. The guy knew I'd never be able to resist this:

This afternoon, Field Agent 655321 submit the following:

Date: Wed, Jun 19, 2008 at 5:45 PM
Subject: Dizzy's board 'o Shame
To: Blogngr

BN-

Just had a surreal experience and thought of you immediately. I was outside Dizzy's on 9th street, and heard a small group of loiterers standing around with iced coffee, dissing Obama for the head-scarf issue, and saying how disappointed they were, etc.

Enclosed is the image from Dizzy's board 'o Shame, which if you don't know (Oh, I know -ed) is a little dry-erase board they keep outside the restaurant to write pretentious quotes and politically correct slogans. Tonight's was the most idiotic ever.

"I'm very surprised. He's calling for change. And if the change means you discriminate against Islam and Muslims, I think it's the worst change I can expect from a campaign. " - Eman Salem, aunt of Hebba Aref, one of the women asked to leave a photo-op for Barack Obama.


Jesus fucking christ, field agent 655321. Park Slope liberals have got to be the stupidest people on the planet. Thank you for sending this.

Numbnutses: Do you want Barack Obama to be president or not? Remember when you were laughing at John Stewart's disappointed jokes, just 3.5 years ago after Bush won, about how the Democrats are hopeless retards for not knowing how to fight like the Republicans? Remember you laughed and pretended that you understood??

Remember when you joined in the laughter saying that Ralph Nader was this biggest fucking asshole on the planet for taking votes away from Gore in the name of some egotistical, theoretical strike against the two-party system?

Seems to me like Barack Obama just got serious about winning this election. Thank jesus there is someone on his staff with a pair of nuts and a fucking brain, who he can now fire to prevent the backlash from you homos from getting too great - and that guy just took a bullet so that you could have Obama as your next president. Talk about a hero.

Obama is fighting, not for your votes (where you gonna go, McCain???) but for the votes of the swing state rednecks. That's who decides who the leader of the free world is. You have to be brain-dead not to understand that if those muthafuckas catch ONE MORE PICTURE of him chillin with muslims, he's toast.

Listen: I'm black. Hypthetically, if Barack's team determined that the only way for him to win the red states was to adopt a new strategy where he can't be seen with big wu-tang ass niggas, or shit - if the nigga has to start taking anti-soul man pills to look like Michael Jackson and then put on blackface and come out at the grand finale with a pineapple on his head dancin that carmen miranda minstrel shit??? bring it. By Any Means Necessary.

My best friend is Jewish - same deal for him. Let the nigga piss on yarmulkas. whatever he's gotta do to win. bring it. By Any Means Necessary.

And if these whiny-ass muslims are too selfish or stupid to take one for the team on this? fuck 'em. I say thank god Obama has someone with a brain pullin out the stops.

And if the Dizzy's waiters, who can't even do their own jobs (except for that one cute chick) without scowling and acting like displaced emmy-winners, are too myopic to support Obama as he tries to get serious; well then frankly I'm not surprised.

Osama in '08 bitches.

Bring it.

Ask Blognigger: Osama Bin Laden

Astute reader Judy B writes,

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2008 at 6:25 PM
Subject: Ask Blognigger entry
To: Blognigger

I'm not that bowled over by Obama. Are you?

Regards,
Judy B.

Now how the fuck should I know, Judy? Tim Russert ain't even cold yet an you already shoppin around for another nigga-ta-hook-you-up and tell you what to think.

[Thanks Judy - tried to paypal you already but that shit doesn't load in Safari so I'll do it when I get to my cousin's]

You have to admit though, it is fairly incredible that people give a fuck what any kind of entertainer (let's face it - that's what I'm becoming) thinks about politics. It's also completely unique to America, right? Like when they just report on famous people's political opinions an shit, just because they're famous? It's so American, right? NO, not fuckin right, see I just wanted to get you to say that. Europeans be doin that shit all the time, and they even do it with our politicians, so love it or leave it pinks. Also, "completely unique" is a tautology, so wise-up, commies.

Now, that being said, let me tell you what I think of Obama:

HATED IT!!!

Just kidding, I mean, obviously I drank the Kool-Aid just like everyone else who can still show their face in Brooklyn. Man, I don't even know anyone who's for McCain, although I didn't know anyone who was for Bush in '04, and look where that got us. John Stewart almost cryin again and shit? All defensive in those last hours of Race From The White House?

Much as I'm jockin Obama, it does make me nervous to have the exact same opinions as each-and-every-one of yall, so let's take a real close objective look at ourselves and be rooted in what is so:

• Admit that we all just want there to be a black president so we can be like "OH SHIT! There's a black president! That shit happened during my lifetime!" BIG CHECKBOX CHECKED like watching 60 homeruns get beat, son.
  
  
• Admit that we all just want there to be a black president so we can say to all the ignorant -ass black people in our country, "YA SEE?!?!? Now you can never complain about SHIT again ya lazy-ass muthafuckas!!!"
  
  
• Admit that we all just want there to be a black president so we can say to the rest of the world "YA SEE?!?!?! This oughta make up for all that shit - we elected a BLACK president!!!"
  
  
• Admit that we all just want there to be a Black 'n White Tiger Woods Derek Jeter-ass post-racial president because it seems like some futuristic jedi-council shit that feels like it might be a good way to wipe the slate clean for a do-ova leap into the 21st century.
  

Well, it's got to be because of all this shit, because this guy hasn't done shit yet!!! I mean, he's pretty impressive when he speaks and all, but who the hell can tell with this fucked up relativity we've acquired? I mean - after George Bush, Helen Keller would seem like Winston Churchill:

Sen. Keller: "DAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Big Mama: (sniff...dabs eyes) goddamn...(sniff) you know that girl cou sing.

So, Obama hasn't done shit, yet we all think he's the man. But you know what? I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as we're honest with ourselves about it. I mean, the guy is obviously very intelligent. Big win #1. He is obviously on the right side of the political spectrum, i.e. not a member of George Bush's inner circle. Big win #2. Who cares if he doesn't have a ton of experience - He can just surround himself with people with experience. Bottom line: I'd rather have someone who had to work his way up in life and has a good head on his shoulders than someone who has played the political country-club game from birth.

I'll tell you one thing though- this muthafucka better get a KKK Grand Wizard as his running mate - otherwise, he'll be so dissed by those red states that the only thing he'll be watchin' over come January'll be re-runs of The Wire.

Talk about a catch-22 right?!! Homeboy chooses a Klan member as his running mate, he'll win the presidency, but they gonna assassinate him by February; ELSE, Homeboy chooses a fool darker than Wesley and that's like some MET Life shit right there - but he'll never carry the red states! It's like the Banach–Tarski paradox up in this muthafucka.

Now the ONLY way we'd be totally fucked, and admit right now that you thought of this too, is if FOX news was right and the nigga turned out to be a terrorist. ADMIT that shit is still in the back of your mind - I know it's in mine!! That's some shit Tom Clancy couldn't even write - Imagine, this whole shit has been like Mohamed Atta in Flight School - not wanting to learn to land and shit - He's just all, "naw Teach, I don't need to learn to govern - just teach me to win" -- and then BOOM his first act as president January 1 2009 is to nuke NYC? If history is a lesson, yall who deny you're thinking of it right now are gonna be the same niggas new years day '09 being all "I totally called it."

Anyway, fear not - the chances of that happening are VERY FUCKING SLIM. (but anything's possible.)

Finally, I know I can sum up why we're all so drunk on Obama with two simple images. Question: Which of the following makes you feel more safe, more confident, more optimistic:

VS.

Check. and. Mate.

Osama in 2008, Judy.

Warm regards,
Blognigger.

Ask Blognigger: Fate of the White House

Astute reader James T. Kirk writes:

Date: Tue, Jun 17, 2008 at 4:02 PM
Subject: Whitehouse
To: Blogngr

Blognigger-

I submit my question to you in .gif form:




Sincerely,
Capt. James T. Kirk

No einstein, we'll call it the NiggerCabin. And Baker's position will be renamed Secretary of Spic. And we'll change the primary employment tax form to the W-Kike.

Get the fuck outta here; this doesn't even count as this week's Ask Blognigger. Somebody ask me a real question, I'll answer it after work. Make it about Obama - it's time enough for Blognigger to weigh in.

p.s. That's a .jpg, numbnuts.

Red Hook Blacks Line Up to Rob First 100 IKEA Customers.

RED HOOK, Brooklyn (BNN) – Native residents of Red Hook began camping out early this morning, eager to be among the first to rob customers of the new IKEA opening on Wednesday.

"Nigga I'm jus down to get paiiiid," laughed an 18-year-old resident of Red Hook Houses, who goes only by the name of Twix. "Niggas be draggin they shit up the block past Mill and my man Steph gonna show em what time it is knowwhamsayn," he continued, high-fiving 22-year-old Zaxxon, a self-employed resident of the same housing project.

The pair are just two of over twenty Red Hook natives that have decided to camp out tonight in order to gain access to the first IKEA customers who are expected to emerge from the store on Wednesday morning. Many have come equipped with shopping carts, wagons, and in one case even a U-Haul, though none seemed to have brought tents or sleeping equipment of any kind.

"He gonna roll up like this here," explained one gentleman, crouched down with four others and drawing in a slate of dirt with a stick, "Comin back down around he go one way, and keep the Ektorp back up. Yall keep him back there and jus yell for Mable, Mable gonna come round and wave it back up the front and we pull it through here like she go through."

Surprisingly, not everyone camping on line is African American - two white Park Slope residents, Rob Tanzer, 24 and Jake Feingold, 23, have also joined the group.

"We read about this on Curbed, and we just thought that being on this side of the fence seems like a far more authentic Brooklyn experience," explained Mr. Feingold, "We basically want the black community to know that not all white people are here to displace them; That really, we're part of the solution. And of course we're also down to get paid."

When asked whether he was troubled over the shifting demographics of the neighborhood, and whether the opening of this IKEA perhaps represented a milestone in the otherwise more fluid process of gentrification, Zaxxon responded succinctly, beckoning with his right hand; "Yo nigga I could get a smoke?"

Brooklyn Gay Pride; Right in the ass!

On Saturday, I went with my best friend from high school to the annual Pride festivities in Prospect Park. We've been going to Pride celebrations in NY and SF since she first came out as gay toward the end of highschool. Back in 1993, she took the political aspect of the movement as seriously as a heart attack- I subscribed to a lot of the ideals pretty heavily as well - but who among us hasn't mellowed a little since we were freshmen in college. In the years since, we've identified the parts we believe in, the parts we can take or leave, and the parts that seem just plain stupid - hypocritical artifacts like those you're bound to encounter in any "movement" or "scene."

Anyway, I saw something at Pride last year that ended-up crystallizing some thoughts of mine; this year, I made sure to bring my camera:


The above is a shot of one of the hundreds of trash receptacles that lined the streets of Saturday's festival. As you can see, the event's primary sponsor is a Lube company. Got Lube? Pretty clever!

Now, I see the gay rights movement as being at a more crucial juncture than that of any other group in the United States. Homosexuals are the only group still discriminated against by legislation in this slow-learning country of ours. Many many many stupid, fucked-up retards in America want it to be illegal for people who love each other to be able to raise families and share health benefits - and the law is on their side. It's a disgusting situation that America will soon look upon with the same shame we now reserve for the fact that we made my grandma use a different water fountain.

Considering the utter seriousness and urgency of this matter, I need to raise the following question: What the fuck are these stupid fucking queens doing??? Don't you realize that having a Gay Pride parade sponsored by a fucking LUBE company is like having the Million Man March sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken and Watermelon flavored Magnums?? Don't you understand how this enforces the stereotype of Gays as promiscuous nymphomaniacs, and once again associates the whole gay rights movement with SEX?

Gays, you should have one concern right now, and that's getting the US government to end legal discrimination against you. To do that, you need to think practically, and not be more concerned about throwing a campy party with free lube, condoms, and cockrings. Seriously, you're being dumber than black people.

You want Bank of America. You want Time Warner. You want Starbucks. You do not want a fucking LUBE company, or Durex, or VibePlease, makers of the official anal-intruder kit.

I'll tell you something else about these Got Semen? wastebasket-ads since no one has figured it out in the last year. The following is a conversation I have NOT YET had with my kids, since thank jesus they are not yet old enough to read, but I guarantee you others are having it, since they put these fucking things all over a festival in the park and then set up a fucking bouncy-castle like the bat-signal beacon for every goddamn kid in the neighborhood to come running:

Look Daddy! Got Milk!

Uh....yeah!

Wait Daddy - oh...it only looks like it. Milk doesn't start with L ... Lube? What's that?

Uh... well...

WHAT Daddy, tell me!

Well it's like this hun... uh... the anus, while it provides some natural lubricant, is on average much smaller, tighter, and dryer than a woman's vagina. Therefore, many gay men use lubricant to grease up their penises and assholes so that they can enter each other with greater ease and with less pain. In SOME cases, gay women may use Lube as well - usually with strap-ons - but even then its usage is generally still limited to anal penetration - again, the vagina itself tends to provide easier entry- yes, even for a big stone-butch dyke's strap-on that she keeps a fiberglass case for, boils in vinegar, and calls "Gollum." Come to think of it Katie, whaddo I know? I suppose that jacking a fistfull of that slick shit all over a veiny goddamn falsecock wouldn't hurt either.

Oh.

And then this white lawyer park slope muthafucka, who MAKES the goddamn laws, is walkin away pissed off that he just had to explain that shit to his little kid - even if he finds a way of dancing around it a little more elegantly than the conversation above.

Listen: What do you think he does next? Does he think "It's really time to get these people equal rights" - or does he think "Jesus these filthy fucking faggots with their greasy penises and assholes."

Get with the fucking program you collective numbnutses! Even the burnt-out hippies are realizing that if they want to legalize pot, they have to shave and put on suits and pretend to be productive - not show up in Dead shirts with they blond dreadlocks, taking bong hits on the stairs of the governor's office.

I asked my best friend why she thought the movement still seemed so stuck in this juvenile, tasteless, arrested mentality. Her theory is that most of this shit is organized by campy gay men, and that's legitimately the kind of stuff they are into and want to project as a badge of pride. Perhaps all the "normal" gay people are too busy with their productive jobs and families, not worried about organizing pride festivals.

All I can say is, yall niggas need to think about perception. The same way that puffy and Jay-Z know to have Jewish lawyers, yall muthafuckas need a PR director or some shit to get your shit straight.

Don't ask me to hook you up, I'm too busy heading to 4th ave; popcorn chicken from KFC is sounding tight right about now.

Comments: Best of the week.

[Posted to: H or H Fables:]

Frank Jump said...

this is just homophobic ranting. you diminish your argument and your credibility.
June 2, 2008 11:35 PM


amelia_bedilia said...

@frank jump

Uh... What part of this post or comments section exactly do you find homophobic?

You're not having a knee-jerk reaction to the word homo, are you?

June 2, 2008 11:42 PM

Frank Jump said...

@ amelia

The actual "kneejerk" is the involuntary use of the word homo. Guess you are not a homo. You wouldn't understand.

the argument is diminished when you mix the metaphor darling
June 6, 2008 8:10 AM



amelia_bedilia said...

@frank

Actually Frank, you patronizing ass, I'm a lesbian, which is perhaps why I'm so sensitive to your whining.

"INvoluntary use of the word homo??"

What do you think this is, gradeschool in the 70s? I think the continued use of the word homo in this context is the absolute opposite of INvoluntary - not BN's style from what i can tell. BN is using it in a way that has *nothing* to do with homosexuality.

Shit, I'm just sick of the uptight gay-police whetting their pants over the use of a word. The truth is, the political point he's making here is just going over your head.
June 6, 2008 9:32 PM



[Posted To: Woman chops tits off, gets pregnant, shaves]

suzie t. floozie said...

Funny. You know, speaking of chopping one's tits off... This seems as good a forum as any to say that as a lesbian, I'm getting pretty sick of being asked to contribute to acquaintance's "Top Surgeries"... I've literally been to 2 "T" parties in the last 6 months - basically fundraisers for Gender reassignment surgery.

I'm all for Transgender rights, but I mean - I want a boob job too- are they going to chip in for that???

wtf
June 8, 2008 9:45 PM


[Posted To: Mexicans + Internet = Pure Gold]

Puppet13 said...

Dear Blognigger,

This post really got me soo madddd. Sabes que BN, Ima Mexican, or as your people refer to us a "MESS-KIN". That kinda shit happens to me all the fuckin time! IM A FUCKIN CANCER RESEARCHER--yeah, man I cure cancer (y que) and those white fuckers at the hospital NEVER FUCKIN LET ME IN the doctors' entrance! They think Im the help. So from now on fuck all y'all! Ima make me some cancer drugs that only work on Mexicans and give everyone else the diarrhea.
Con safos,
La puppet13
June 11, 2008 8:13 PM


Blognigger said...

@puppet13

Well man, that shit about the Doctor's entrance is obviously fucked up.

Since you've presumably graduated from medical school or are on your way to doing so, I'll assume that the 'beaner' language in which you posted your 8:13 comment is an affectation (like my ghetto-speak) and that I'm not actually now writing to someone with the IQ of Cheech.

I hope it's obvious that the whole reason I become enraged over political correctness in the first place is because PC makes a mockery of an issue which is as serious as a heart-attack: namely, the depravation of privilege and respect based on what an individual is, and not who s/he is.

Most importantly to me in this time and place, I can't stand when ANYONE acts fake in pretending to support a minority (a.k.a sucking his muthafuckin DICK) for the benefit of their delusional self-image and to belong to another retarded hivemind club like the ones in the 90's, the 50's, and 1938.

I'll continue to rail against such hypocrites on this blog. As for you, I recommend you sit down and have a discussion with the guards at your hospital (who are most likely disenfranchised because they are poor) and tell them how you feel.

I've got a feeling they won't forget you after that, and you won't be taking the service entrance anymore. (Not that there's anything wrong with the service guys, right puppet13?)

peace.
June 11, 2008 9:08 PM

[Posted To: Implications of Racial Self-Identification and Self-Esteem Among Multiracial Teens]

Anonymous said...

Hey man. I agree with what you are saying. I think you deserve a "Race and Reason" award or some shit--you need to be appointed to Obama's cabinet.

I have a video that will rival the one you posted. This one is of my kids' Trinidadian nanny going crazy in Brooklyn, throwing bottles at a huge lesbian in a PLAYGROUND.

Now what makes this double crazy is that she voluntarily showed me (her boss, the father of the kids she tends) this video of herself acting like a crazed violent maniac. She was very proud of herself because it shows that she will not take shit from anyone.

Trini Girls Clash in Brooklyn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uc46wdfxG2k

Part Two
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ1RQ7-j6H8

I hope you enjoy these videos.
June 13, 2008 11:52 AM



Nicole said...

Halleluerrruah I found Beatdown!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfmrJwRLL0s

(You may have to login and confirm your age to watch it b/c it's been flagged for the violence.)

My favorite parts are:

1. When the little girl points out that the necklace is broken and the mom responds: "Please don't show me that at this point in time."

2. When they STOP FIGHTING while the police drive by.

3. "Walk the dog! Walk the dog!"

4. That the boy KEEPS. FIGHTING. BACK. Until someone literally makes him stop.

Brilliant(ly pathetic) and hilarous(ly sad)
June 13, 2008 3:49 PM


[To: Ask Blognigger: The First Rule of Blognigger]

Hornery said...

It amazes me how the most liberal pc people i know are racist. They don't know it of course, they're all good on paper, etc..But their patronizing perspective is insulting to both sides. I depise the looks i get from white women when i'm with black kids (not my own) Their beaming smiles disgust me; they assume i'm the mom, so i must be so wonderful. But blognigger, yer the only black man i'd have pickney with!
June 13, 2008 4:25 PM

(please note: The fact that Hornery and I want to bed each other has had no bearing on my decision to include the above comment in BOTW. -bn)

Implications of Racial Self-Identification and Self-Esteem Among Multiracial Teens

If you are an intelligent person seeking satirical, political stimulation, now would be a good time to go to the bathroom.

Likewise, if you are an African American who has curiously been forwarded to TheBlogThatMustNotBeNamed.com by a well-meaning and earnest white colleague, then this is not the post you ought to start with. As an alternative, let me direct you to our right-hand navigation, which provides a myriad of opportunity to access politically charged content just brimming with hilarity and racial angst.

But not for me; not tonight.

Nay, I am under the influence of a mounting momentum initiated two days ago by a homeless black man on the A train. There's nothing I can do to get Black Hagrid out of my mind. I would say that from an analytics perspective, Blagrid currently occupies 7% of my total cpu time. If you consider that I'm also thinking of my wife and kids, milestone 106 from my project plan, what to have for lunch, the fact that I have to pick up my dry cleaning, and the sick body of the white butterface girl that sits in the cube accross from me, you'll realize of 7% of time for Blagrid is a shitload, and it's a segment size that I cannot afford.

I feel that my only shot at freeing myself from these thoughts are to give into them just once - it might not work, but I've got to try. Thus it is with regret that I bring to you what we can only hope will be the first and last installment of: The Offensive Adventures of Blagrid and Nappy Potter:


The black giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Nigga, just call me Blagrid," he said, "that's what all them niggas be callin me back from the yards. And like I was tellin you, I'm the janitor an shit back at Hogwarts so I can hook yo ass up when we back there. Yall niggas know about Hogwarts right?"
"Er - no," said Nappy
Blagrid looked shocked.
"Sorry" Nappy said quickly.
"Sorry??" barked Blagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys who shrank back into the shadows. "It's them niggas should be sorry! I knew they wasn't givin you mail and shit but damn nigga they didn't even tell a nigga about Hogwarts?!"
I'm thinking that it's now safe to start talking to you, but I don't want to leave this font lest it draw attention in case they are still looking at this post, maybe scrolling up and down before leaving the site. You see, only an original reader would have read down this far. I hope you understand; I had to do this to make sure that I could have one last word with you guys before the influx of new black readers who you've forwarded to TheBlogThatMustNotBeNamed.com. See I didn't want to let you guys down by scaring away your black acquaintances, especially after we went so much trouble for you to figure out a way of getting them here.
So here's the deal - Nicole, who is basically like fucking blognigger royalty, sent me this video. 2.5 million views? can't believe I've never seen it. Have you guys all seen it? Shit, I guess I have to post the video here - and this will draw attention back to this part of the page, but fuckit:




See why I needed all your new black acquaintances to leave before getting to this part? It's because I don't want to appear racist and give you guys a bad name when I say what obviously has to be said after viewing this video:

It's time to for us all to be rooted in what is so: black people are the CRAZIEST FUCKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. (besides arabs) There has got to be a genetic factor giving mainstream members of our race the capacity to act like this. Now listen, before you get angry and start sending me those goddamn emails again, let me explain:

When Nana 9:14 posted that question to the Ask Blognigger: Coloreds In The Theater about having a master's degree and still feeling compelled to act-out and be loud in movie theaters... it really got me to thinking. Thank god for her honesty.

I'm a big believer in brain chemistry being the catalyst for all human behavior - as someone on Lexapro, I've seen the evidence. So what I'm saying is, let's be frank that first of all, you've never seen any non-black person get as physically, thumpingly crazy in quite the same way as the girl in this video. If you have, send me the youtube video or example right fucking now. There's Tom crazy, there's Charlie crazy, there's Andrea crazy, there's Do-from-Heaven's-Gate crazy, - no shortage of white muthafuckin crazy people. But I am saying that you will not see quite the same kind of chaotic disregard and physical loud public energy in any of these people- especially from someone who is not diagnosed with a legitimate neurological disorder. Even if you see a white guy screaming on the train, he's not going to be quite the same unique brand of physical gyrating crazy as the girl in this video. The crazy DOG-PENIS white lady from the F train, who I will do a post on someday, screams all throughout the train like a lunatic, far louder than the girl in this video. But she is psychotic. You going to tell me the girl in the video above is psychotic? I don't think so.

Just own it - why lie? What are you afraid of? There's some gene and chemical that gives black people the capacity to act out in this specific way- we can stifle it by being civilized, but if you're black, you know damn well you can still feel that loudness urge within yourself. Shit, I've never yelled in a movie theater in my life, but I understand where the urge comes from - I can feel it deep within there, just to the left of my AfricaPancreas. Thanks dad! Black guy who doesn't agree with me: please post a comment and tell me you've never felt the same urge.

So let me have another shot at that Ask Blognigger: Why are blacks loud in movie theaters? Answer: It's chemical. It's the same causal gene that has motivated Africans to have created an oral tradition, and the same genetic impulse that berthed the call-and-response musical tradition. I don't yell in movie theaters because I'm not fuckin ignorant, but somewhere ever so slightly I suppose I'm stifling an urge. I certainly stifle that urge when I become enraged on MTA platforms and feel like screaming out like the dog-penis lady. What do yall muthafuckas think?? Cmon, lemme hear it on this one.

"ALL WHAT?" Blagrid thundered. "wait just a muthafuckin second!"
He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut. The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.


We hope you've enjoyed the first and only blogplay installment of The Offensive Adventures of Blagrid and Nappy Potter, brought to you free of commercial interruption or hidden digressions into cataclysmic racial honesty.

I'll let you know if it helped.

Ask Blognigger: The First Rule of Blognigger...

Astute reader Capt. B.J. Smethwig writes:

Date: Sun, Jun 8, 2008 at 11:12 AM
Subject: Little Help?
To: Blognigger

Hey Blog,

White guy here.

I have a couple of token black acquaintances whom I would like to forward your blog to as a transparent bonding mechanism; The idea here is that we could read your blog in parallel and that we would then have something in common.

The problem is, these are real people and I'm not about to use the n-word with them under any circumstances.

How the fuck am I supposed to tell people about this blog?

Yours etc,
Capt. B.J. Smethwig


Captain,

Thanks very much for bringing this up. Several other individuals have written to express the same concern, and thus I've had time to give the matter some careful thought.

Here's the approach I'll recommend: If you are truly free of the shackles of political correctness, you should be able to recognize that the context in which you say "Blognigger" is more powerful than the perception of those individuals who lack the logical basis for parsing this term as you've intended it.

For this reason, you should feel absolutely comfortable in going up to these acquaintances and quite simply asking, "Do you read blognigger?"

Trust me on this Captain - I've got your back. With all due respect, it's possible that you don't know black people very well Captain. I know black people, so let me explain what I'm getting at: For the most part, black people really just want to know that you're comfortable around them - that you're not tiptoeing around them just because they're black. If anything, your contextual usage of the word nigger will instinctively suggest to them that you're closer to their experience than they might have realized.

If you sense that they don't look uncomfortable after this initial inquiry, it more than likely means you haven't asserted yourself firmly enough in the first moments of the conversation. You can compensate for this by immediately and pre-emptively working the word into conversation to show that you aren't phased by its repeated usage.


SAMPLE CONVERSATION:

You: Do you read blognigger?

Them: Uh, haha. uh... no! what's it called? blognigger?

You: Yeah, blognigger! Written by this super-cool black guy. You haven't heard of it? The guy was like, on gawker.

Them: Oh, gawker... right... sounds pretty cool. did uh--

You: He talks a lot about context - like how white people front like they've never said the word nigger? It's like, what's the big fucking deal right? It's a fucking word, yaknow?

Them: ...yep, people definitely uh.... i mean there's been a lot of...

You: Black people in general, at least in the media- they tend to have a lot of gripes, you know what I mean? Like excuses kinda? I mean, what's your perspective? To most white people I think it just seems like you guys are complaining so frequently, and that's what blognigger talks about too, you know?

Them: uh... yeah I'll have to uh...

You: It's really a breath of fresh air to have one that's like... You know, that we can relate to. It's pretty healing for the community, at least over in Brooklyn. It's not just white people who read him, it's like...It feels pretty diverse.

Them: Should we uh... the project plan is supposed to be up on the intranet before like noonish I think--

You: So is it true you guys have huge dicks?


IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT that you would prefer to go a less-honest route, I'd like to present my gift to all of you for all the honesty and intelligence you've all contributed thus far along in the ride... I certainly had Black Hagrid on the brain when I registered and configured:

http://www.TheBlogThatMustNotBeNamed.com

Give it a try - It's a whitesafe link to blognigger.com that should allow you to bring up our dear blog in civ-lized conversation:


Excuse me sir, do you happen
to read The Blog That Must Not Be Named?
Hey! Talkin to you, nigger!


Hope this helps!
Yours in spreading love and joy,
Blognigger.

Some Inconvenient Shit

I can hear it raining and thundering out there, and thank fuckin god. Not a moment too goddamn soon to get us outta this muthafuckin heat. Today was just unbearable; that goddamn Jay Street platform was fuckin hot, fuckin Al-Gore Hot; it was some inconvenient shit.

I do have to give the MTA some props, as 93% of the trains are well air-conditioned, especially in fucked-up whether weather like we've been having. It's especially impressive compared to when I was a kid and subways had those sliding schoolbus-style windows that made the cars all loud 'n shit, with hot tunnel air and cinders and shit flyin into the carriages. They really Giuliani'ed all this shit up good in the last 20 years.

Today though, the whole Jay Street platform was crowded and angry and just so fuckin hot- and you know me - I always get afraid niggas are gonna start stompin people just to cool down.

Waited awhile, and finally the A train rolled up. Everyone was sweatin' the doors, tryin to box each other out and shit, waiting to fight for the first taste of the respite. Doors opened, everyone poured in, and I swear I heard this collective "FUCK" as everyone realized they weren't gonna get what they wanted. It's not that the car wasn't air-conditioned; it was. It's just that niggas like to get hit with a BLAST of freezing air like they walkin into JC Penny's in South Florida. We want that shit to be like an icebox. Fuck the spotted owl son, I seen the doomsday clock, and if we goin out like that, we may as well be comfortable up in here for the years we got left.

But today on the A Train, it wasn't happening; so everyone was pissed, and crowded, and hot. Here's what happened next...

There's this homeless guy that I bet you know: Seen 'em on the F and A trains, and he must be 6ft3 and weigh 300 pounds. The only way I can think to describe him is that he literally looks like a big black homeless warlock. His hair is all long and curly and fucked up, he dresses in a makeshift wizard's robe, and he has these broken shoeboxes taped to his feet with whole rolls of packing tape. I feel like he wears some kind of staff or sword on his back, but that's probably bullshit.

The guy plays into his warlock role very severely - He walks with a very deliberate and stern air, almost like one of these gamerfags from Darkon or some shit like that. I've heard him speak on a couple of occasions- he just belches these baritone blasts of insanity to himself; My man has got an extremely deep voice. I've always imagined that since he has absolutely nothing to live for, he's created this whole F-train dungeons and dragons shit around himself, where he's like, the Warlord of the transit authority.

Tryin to explain...I guess he looks something like that nigga from Mulholland Drive that busts out from in back of the dumpster in the parking lot of Denny's:



...except my man is Afro-American and doesn't have those kindly cat's eyes. Ok, enough - if you know him, you know him. (You know him?)

So we're all packed in the train car, hot as fuck, and so of course the train stops in the middle of a tunnel for no reason and with no announcement. At that moment, it was so goddamn sweltering that niggas were praying that this was the train Al Qaeda was finally gonna strike, beggin for them to take us all back to the Black Jesus.™ Even the beardedjews were throwin down they big black hats and stompin on em, callin out jesus take me take me take me take maaaaaay...........

Ok, so from my position toward one end of the car, all of the sudden I see the door-between-cars start to slide open... and it's him!! The black giant emerges, having to duck his head down in order to fit through the door, and after he regains his stature he begins to shift slowly down the car.

Now I'm telling you, there wasn't room for an asian schoolgirl to walk through that train car, let alone this rancid negro sorcerer that's the size of a fridge.

People around me start to look at each other in disbelief - like this isn't really happening. I look up at the terrified people he's compressing as he steamrolls past, and I swear this one white chick does a dry heave; I had forgotten all about his stench. A couple of white people around her go "oooh!" with concern, and one gentleman even goes "are you ok??"

At that moment, before he had gotten near me, I really wanted to run, but there was absolutely nowhere that I could hide. I could hear him announcing to the people he was squeezing between: "GRRRR. (like an ogre!) LET HIM PASS.... LET HIM PASS..." all low and shit? Really gutteral, animal-type sounds. Talking in the third person? Damn.


Another detail is that there was a whole group of high school students from England or some shit stuffed in there with us. All these fresh-faced white kids probably heading to Ground Zero or some shit, and they looked up like they had never seen anything like this guy in their lives. These kids, about 15 of them, were standing right next to me when one of the boys from their class tilted his head toward the homeless guy and made a kick-ass wisecrack to the girls, made even funnier by his English accent: "Have you met Hagrid?"



He's a fuckin genius that kid, because that's really exactly who this muthafucka looks like - the Black Hagrid, most def:


Yep, that's him. Man, this little white blonde haired kid's joke was so good - all the girls busted up, and everyone who heard it laughed and I thought, man, that boy might even get his dick sucked tonight after they all get back from the Statue of Liberty and the WWE restaurant and shit. Good for him.

But just then this Jewish lady, sounding exactly like the yenta who just got kicked out of the Rules Comittee meeting, started stepping to the kids who were laughing!

She's spits this at them:

It's NOT FUNNY. We have a homeless problem in this city, in this COUNTRY, and you will not come here and laugh at our suffering. These are REAL PEOPLE. They have DIGNITY. You should be ashamed of yourselves- This is not how you conduct yourselves when you are visiting someone else's home...

...And all the kids shut up! They looked down and shit and looked sheepish! England must be a different planet - if she tried that shit on the 19-year-old Middle Schoolers from 201??? Uh-uh. They'd take the underwear off their heads and strangle that bitch with it.

Meanwhile, the sorcerer is inching closer and closer until he's finally pressing his way through me and my English high school kids. At the point of contact his stench was absolutely overpowering, and combined with the heat and this bitch telling everyone not to laugh, I thought I was gonna pass out. I can't write too much about the odor itself, because if I go there I will literally blow chunks on this keyboard and fuckup my macbook for good.

I'm such a pussy - I really should have defended that kid. Fuck my elders; That lady was dead wrong - he was Hagrid - it was extremely funny and I shoulda told her to sit down and leave the comedies to the international youth.

It's not funny?? Lady, I'm about to pass out from the smell of this niggas nuts- please let me laugh! That's some Geneva Convention shit- don't steal that away too whitelady!!!

That smell is NOTHING to laugh at - that smell is the smell of human despair; the wrinkled pink brownnuts of human dispair!

Do you smell those nuts children?? Do you smell that this is no laughing matter? GOOD- I'm GLAD you're throwing up; When we are healthy, we react to human suffering with fear and nausea. Vomit it all up and let the prejudice and discrimination come out with it - ONTO THE SUBWAY FLOOR!

Children, you are to throw up on the train this INSTANT for Martin Luther King's sweaty nuts.

Still raining? Thunder definitely stopped- I guess it's only drizzling now. Hopefully that'll turn August back into June. Damn, still humid as a muthafucka up in here. brb, gotta go crank the AC and make this shit like JC Penny.

Mexicans + Internet = Pure Gold

I'm obsessed with this thread on Brooklynian;
Go read every single comment twice - I'll wait.

Ok, back. Now, first of all, does anyone think we should call the police and let them know that a mexican has broken into someone's brownstone and is sending email from their internets?

Seriously, I could read this guy all day:

"during the winter while my dad and i were shoving the snow, in the front yard. he gave my father 5 bucks. who barely could speak english."

"how this same jackass rush into my building tell them to be quiet while moving in a table. that they were causing them too much "noise", it bang the basement walls a few times, but not disturbing anyone."

"talk to jerk before myself. when i first got the place. long story short, i had a dealing with him. he just forgotten, plus when i shave and don't shave and hair cut no hair cut etc.. i look different."

He should have his own blog, Webxican, or some shit like that. I'm on that rss feed like rich brothas on white chicks. His punctuation, his sentence structure, his non-sequiturs: you can't make this shit up, and you can't write it yourself ; it's pure gold.

Why am I so high on it? Because it's impossibly rare to see a participant of the most pretentious discussion thread imaginable - literally a discussion of RACE in Park fucking Slope - who can barely speak English. It's an internet-enabled, realtime assimilation; and it's all taking place before our eyes in gentrification's own politically-correct Thunderdome.

I com to zees contry for American Dreem - buy brownstone in Park Slope and flame patronizing vhite man on eenterveb.

A milestone of history worth noting: In the early twenty-first century, no immigrant's American dream was complete without a soapbox from which to launch racially retaliatory complaints into the Blogosphere.

Of course, this soapbox wouldn't do any good without so many impressively retarded white people waiting to kiss the poster's ass in self-serving solidarity:

"I would have stabbed him in one eye for offering only five bucks" (xanax much?)

"I go with the 3 strikes yer out- next time anything like this happens, give it to him straight up. Third times a charm! Fuck him up." (these are the peace-loving mlk supporters when convenient, right?)

"The guy you describe does sound like a jerk, but if he is a permanent neighbor, we got to think before we declare war. " (classic who's we, white man for ya?)

"...this guy needs to understand that you and your family are not their servants. And for anyone who has never been treated like the "help" you can't really understand how it feels." (And thank god you're here to sympathize, why-taaaayyy!)

Not one person on this thread is saying what we all know is true, which is: Jesus Christ - Okay, $5 is low, but what the fuck is wrong with seeing two mexicans shoveling snow in the yard next door and assuming they are going yard-to-yard? I mean, come fucking on - how many brownstones are owned by mexicans? And how the FUCK was this poor white dickhead supposed to know that they were the one mexican family who owned a brownstone?

Ok... now; Here's where the situation takes an interesting twist: After obsessing over this thread for some time, and continuing to read and re-read the comments... I realized that I was retarded, and that the Original Poster was Asian, and not Mexican.

This was probably obvious to all of you geniuses, especially if you read his comment about Asians, looked at his facebook profile and saw his Asian name, or paid attention to his prose which is obviously stereotypically Asian.

So how the hell did this happen to me?? I'm nothing if not a frigging racial Einstein - the Copernicus of benevolent Eugenics. Guess not! So where did I go wrong?

Well, I guess it's obvious that I saw that the original poster in the context of shoveling snow from a front yard in Park Slope- and we all know damn well that it's only mexicans that are hired to do that. Ok, maybe some young black kids saving up for their ubiquitous "basketball team," but mostly mexicans. That racist assumption was enough to blind me to ALL the other evidence in the thread suggesting that this guy was Asian. Proven Racist! Not bad!

In my defense though, I can tell you this: I guarantee you that the white guy who tried to stuff 5$ into Jurio's hands definitely ALSO thought this guy was Mexican. I guarantee you that this old guy must look like my man Victor Wong from "The Golden Child" - who is like the Tiger Woo of Asian Mexicans. [Any astute reader have a decent picture of him from "The Golden Child" that I can use??] It may be tough to tell from this pic, but homeboy completely blurs the line:



NO ONE would presume to ask an Asian to shovel their snow for any reason, ever. They might fuck-up and ask a random yard-hovering Chinaman if they gots the general Tso's, but never in a million years would anyone ask an Asian to shovel their front yard. I'd sooner ask a working class Itallian - and easily a black man. Of any class. I'll ask Theo Huxtable and Cockroach to shovel that shit, I don't even give a fuck. Can I get a witness?

This post represents the kind of honest, unguarded racial dialog I'd like to see opening up in the Thunderdomes across this great digital landscape of ours. Beats the FUCK out of everyone still stuck on this 1990s McCarthyism 2.0, kissing more minority ass than Michael Richards and Don Imus at an NAACP bbq. I know ya mean well, but just tell the truth instead! What could be more patronizing and condescending than sucking our collective black gaysian hispanic mexican dicks with your pandering and tiptoeing and pretending that you're the neighborhood's color-blind hero.

We don't need another hero. We don't need to know the way home. All we want is Life beyond; Life Beyond Thunderdome.