Yesterday was a very weird day. One of those days where your biorhythms are weird, where you miss the train, miss a light, get a parking ticket, happen to look at the clock at 11:12 instead of 11:11, the pad-see-you at lunch is too thick and browngreased, dry cleaner closes by the time you get there... everything was just off.
In the early afternoon, I was with Ty and my trainer watching the comments from streetcarnage come in, laughing about the hate and intensity glistening off of the webs; but then by the evening, things had taken a darker turn.
Last night around 6, I got a letter from a very troubled young woman. She's a beautiful, passionate girl, who is quite sure she is ugly and worthless. For whatever reason, she holds me to be a hero - a superstar musician poet visionary who can save her world. I spent some very intense time communicating with her as the evening grew darker.
In this darker frame of mind, I went and re-examined the streetcarnage comments. Not their messages of you-suckness, but rather their volume and intensity. Comparisons were made to "fanboys," "audience," and the one that always strikes within me a sharply dissonant chord, the mention of "Kurt Cobain."
There's a great darkness that's been building since April, when I stumbled upon this ring. Rockstars, heros, poets - I'm none of these people, and won't carry on my shoulders that kind of mission.
I'm in love and addiction to the power this thing has given me, but recently it's been getting stuck on my finger. One thing is becoming clear to me above all else: somehow, I've got to get rid of it.
31 comments:
wow, man.
so you'll just become the boogie man or stop the blog?
or write a fucking book!
i don't think you're a star, you're a blogger with a big mouth who is good at what he does.
I'd like to see whether or not you'd still be good on another medium.
take care.
BN, please don't let the retards get you down. You can't live your life based on what they want and what they want shouldn't dictate your life. Don't hold yourself back for anyone. Anyone who is looking up to you in this way (like, the scary way, not the fawning "you're a great writer/have a great mind" way that most of us do") has severe enough problems that whether you're here or not makes no difference. If you aren't here, they'll just pick some other internet clown without half the knowledge or compassion that you have to reach out to.
Don't stop blogging, stop reading the comments or at least take them with a grain of salt. Be a little more circumspect in who you choose to communicate with via e-mail. This is what happens when thousands of people start reading your work, I would imagine it happens to everyone who suddenly finds themselves with a bit of notoriety and an audience.
Stop being such a pussy.
you must destroy the ring! it is a heavy burden.
Oh and by the way, you are not responsible for anyone but your family and yourself so keep blogging or I'm gonna give you a knuckle samich.
you are black so you can call yourself BN all you like. you can only go around using derogatory and objectifying terms when referring to women (haha, in jest of course) for so long before you get called on it. and then to do so to women that take their faith in a god seriously? it's not going to fly with everyone. it's especially weak when you write about kissing your wife's ass so much (truth or fiction, it doesn't matter).
You pooped yet dude?
Wow, sloppy seconds makes a mess.
I can understand how these 18yo Ohio easter-loving kids get you down, but don't take them too seriously.
(sloppy, ya hairless streetcarnage whore, if you wanna see offensive go read goad on Muslims. It rules!)
i wasn't trying to pick a fight w/BN cableguy, but i'm sure he appreciates the way you lept to defend his post and berate me for sharing my opinion.
well played.
Holiday season got you Blogniggers down? BoneCold and just not enough daylight anymore? Yesterday...all your troubles seemed so far away? Are your biorhythms just, you know, weird...down there? Are you "talking too much" and "saying nothing"?
Well I'm here to help you. It's me, Ty Hardaway, the official interwebs ombudsman for Blognigger dot com, rockin' it guru style since way back in the early 80s LA scenester days; I'm old school like Plessy v. Ferguson. I'm tripgrass like the Kingdom of Leisure. Now I rock the east coast suburbs harder than Ben "labia" Folds. I roll harder than Gary "Dice" Gygax (RIP, big poppa). I'm here with my MILF Squad to handle all your situations; "Fuckin' it up...it's what we do / the rep-u-tation of Ty's M-I-L-F crew." So stop the worry, squash it like Rodney, and let uncle Ty and MommySquad get you out of your funk.
My advice: Like FoOl said over in his bandwidth, "Wake up and smell the pussy!" Life's too short to mope because the mopes got your mope-ass down.
Shit, man, like Lenny and I tried to tell you last night at the Half-Black Half-Jew Celebrity Alliance meeting, you need to recognize, son. Close your eyes and look into your cognitive metaphor mirrors and understand your purpose. "Rockstars, heros, poets - I'm none of these people, and won't carry on my shoulders that kind of mission," you cried. The fuck?! Shit, you had Maya and Lisa crying about that shit all damn night. Yes you the fuck will carry that cross. You don't have a choice. Like Jesus (founding member of the Half-Black Half-Jew Celebrity Alliance) said, "We are the chosen people and we shall go forth and lead like the rock stars, heros, and poets we are." Amen.
It's OK to read your press but don't believe your hype, Flav. Forgive the kids for being misguided and ill-informed [here]. Your job is to teach, 'Nigger. Haters are jealous of you [here]. G-d rains diamonds upon our shoulders.
So go into the baff-room and splash some cold water on your face (& dude, take a fucking shit--you're worse than Mark now). You think pressure and haters stopped Lenny from dropping Baptism? No, that JewFro hasn't given a shit since like forever.
Handled, nephew. Black Jew is new black. Half-Black Half-Jew Celebrity Alliance united forever like a Rahm Emanuel-Barack Obama baby. This is the New America. Like Busdriver said, "The world cannot be saved, children."
Where dat Dutch, crutch? Redpill.
sloppy, the point is this...
you're referencing the SC thread like it's the point of THIS conversation. it's not.
I think BN can handle the hate - he's gotten death threats for christsakes and gone through a lot more than yesterday's teen angst rant against him.
It's the faux-love and responsibility he's having trouble with - not about handling the fact that you were offended by some shit he said that hurt your religious background feelings.
i'm sorry he hurt your poor god and made it angry, but you're not getting the point of THIS conversation
my point is this: he obviously is having trouble handling the hate part of it and i was giving an opinion about why i thought it happened. i never saw an in-depth post about how upsetting it was to be get all the faux-love, as you put it, until people were up-in-arms about a posting of his. apparently, yesterday's comments and emails got to him.
so now today's replies are don't let hater comments get you down?? that doesn't make sense. those reactions are the other side of the coin. why dismiss them? why get down about them? with the love comes high expectations and subsequent let-down when the person you think is speaking the truth is suddenly saying things that you find offensive. that's human nature. one learns from the "hateful comments" as much, if not more, than they learn from the adoring ones.
i hope it doesn't stop BN from blogging. i hope he reads the comments w/an open mind and keeps in mind that his words move people and evoke emotions. that's a huge gift and a hard one to keep giving when the going gets rough. i don't get all the defense and dismissal of the comments.
finally, i'm not religious. find another way to attack me. i am middle-aged though, maybe you can try that angle.
I am not going to go over the top and say that I live for this, or you are the pontiff of BLOG etc. etc. But please do not cut it off completely.... Please just take a break if you need to and come back.. plush:
I am talking to a grown ass man like a child right now, i realize that and you know more than I do that the internet is a FUCKED UP place where people can log on and put down the most mind bending vitriol imaginable because they can hide behind a cyber name... That is the worst part about the internet and that is why debate here is always WAY MORE fucked up then anyone would say out loud.
don't cut it off dude, just let it simmer!
If you want to refer to me as a girl from San Francisco that's your business.
Like I said, this particular venue is unlikely to do anything quantifiably good for you (ie money) so if its fucking with your life cut that bitch off. I like your stuff but I can probably avoid an existential crisis if it's gone. Take that talent and produce something that will make your fortune (or something I can buy from you now for a pittance, wait until you top yourself, then make my fortune).
Ty, I generally like your shit, although I don't know why you don't post it on your own thing. You need editing though, I seriously fade after a paragraph or two. Maybe trim the '80s references a bit, hint Zaxxon funny, Gygax not so much.
Sorry Sloppy, but cable guy is right in that you don't seem to really know BN...
Go look at this post:
http://www.blognigger.com/2008/10/organ-stanley-sucking-dick-was-easy.html
Have you seen the hate mail bn gets? I have. He's pretty severely threatened on a regular basis. You really think a bunch of whiny teens on SC can stand up to that?
ngaplz
@ Ron Gettelfinger:
"You need editing though, I seriously fade after a paragraph or two. Maybe trim the '80s references a bit, hint Zaxxon funny, Gygax not so much."
Blognigger drops Zaxxon and he gets "props;" I drop Gygax and I get "notes."
I hear you loud and clear, Ron. And I respect your opinion too. Seriously, totally cool, right on you are. That ranting new wave (ha!), preachy shit would bore me to suicide if I had to read it.
But I'm selfish as fuck and get great STONED PLEASURE out of writing it though. It's just how the THC has fucking addled my brain; I get all self-referential and auto-mythologizing (deservedly tho). I'm weak like that; like Gary Hart (ha!). I write shit then go beat off to Annette Haven from a magazine (ha!). It's about all I do anymore. How do you spend your day? I bet I win that contest, not to brag or anything. Just sayin' I got a chill deal.
I like you, Ron. You're so fucking right too and it's about time somebody stood up to my fuck'd madness. I'll start editing starting with next post, I swear. It's like freebase (ha!), I can't stop because I'm as gay as Harvey Milk (ha!).
You're right, Ron! Problem is: My wife wants to edit my shit which is why I bomb the fuck out of Blognigger[dot]Comments. My Ivy League Disco Duck (ha!) square (nonJew/nonBlack) wife doesn't really like when I'm ranting with the "curse words and cynicism" or when I even remotely mention her (even though she's the only parent of our offspring who has EVER dropped the F-bomb while said offspring was present). I'm on the DL like Rock Hudson (ha!).
See? I either let it all out that shit out here or I end up divorced. It's winter, so fuck that. You should see the batshit-CRAZY shit Blognigger rejects that I send to the comments (he just feels sorry for me now--he's asked me to "tone in down a little, dude" too).
I apologize to the Blognigger community. No, I really do (I'm not being sarcastic either). I'm just doing it for the book, silly rabbits (ha!).
After work, go smoke out then read this mopetarded shit. Oh...
No, seriously, I'm done.
i dont really know what to think...but i like the analogy given about "destroying the ring" even though i cant stand those movies.
You're like...my hero?
blognigger
I'm not a very smart person, and i don't know much about religion or the u.s. government or maths and reading or spelling. i do know about wishes and dreams and rainbows. if you need to give your soul a break, then put your trust in the spirit of internet celebrities.
http://knifefight.typepad.com/photos/thanks_hoveround/unicorn_hoveround.jpg
she wants to help you by blowing gumdrop kisses up your butthole(and loosen that compacted area all up)
Hey, BN. First off, as someone with a lot of GI issues, I can tell you: you sound exactly like someone who hasn't taken a decent shit for ten days. Exactly like that - the whole world starts to turn dark. Forego one of your tug jobs for a session with an acupuncturist. She'll poke you in a few places, give you some herbs, and within minutes you'll be clearing out the toxic yuck without hemorrhaging out your colon a la Dr. Natura.
Secondly, if this is indeed that very rare case in which a healthy movement doesn't change your entire outlook, and the melancholia is not voided along with your bowels, DON'T ABANDON THE POST.
Your ring analogy is all fucked up. This isn't some innately evil, unspeakably powerful artifact that you've just stumbled across. This is you, your voice, your own power at large in the world. You can use it for good or ill - that choice is yours. It's not like every time you blog the evil eye beams over you. Only when you blog about inane shit that you don't feel in your heart.
I've said before - you're funny as shit, but that's not why you have a community here. This community evolved in response to your very rare combination of empathy and insight. It's not because you're fucking funny that random strangers ask you why they feel so ugly, or whether their husbands are in to kiddie porn, or how to be gratified in their marriages, or if they should suck dick for money, or cut their own kids dicks, or what you did with their fucking pigeons. It's because you listen, you feel them, and you tell them something real in a way that no one else would. I know you never asked to play Dear Abby to a largely anonymous throng of degenerate devotees, but there it is.
If you think the shit you're making is toxic, then stop making toxic shit. Don't write it if you don't feel it, but don't stop writing.
You want the simple answer? You know what it is. Stop posting at fucking Streetcarnage. That's not your community. Those aren't your peeps, and when you pander to them, it turns you inside out.
Look, I don't begrudge you for writing there. I give you mad props for being able to market your words for $$$, especially in that kind of venue. If you could take that check to the bank with a big ol' I-just-took-a-massive-week-old-dump-on-the-man grin on your face, I'll continue to applaud you for it. But if anything is making you feel all icky about what you do here, that's gotta be it.
And there, I just made a contribution to your fucking diaper fund, so I'm putting my money where my mouth is. Fuck you. Better spend that shit on your kids. And I got a whole bag of 40 brand new 7th Generation number 6's if you want 'em, cause my 2.5-year-old is hitting the potty like a fucking rock star right now, making you look like a scrub, BN.
I think that if it's troubling you, then you need to back off it for a while. You write in a style that speaks to a lot of people, both in the fact that it's extremely amusing and yet insightful (nohomo). That's rare, and I think that's one of the reasons people glean on to what you say- your voice is a fairly unique one. It's why these people come to you with really personal problems.
Now I know how addictive the popularity is- google analytics reports are more powerful than meth. But at the end of the day, what used to be not much more than a forum for venting about the park slope baby carriages has sort of snowballed, it seems to me. If that's cool with you, it's cool. I still love all the posts and check the comments and site more than I'll admit to my girlfriend when she thinks I'm doing serious work in the other room.
But...
Fame and Notoriety will never help you raise your kids, and they'll never, ever be there to help you through the hard times (see Spears, Britney) (before I get railed in the comments section, I couldn't think of a better reference here and I'm at work and busy so go fuck yourself). I guess my convoluted point is this: if the process is getting you down this much, get out now, cause you're only gonna get bigger with the kind of fire you throw, and I bet that these little pangs of regret and unease will only grow with that.
Judging by all of the comments from people who clearly know who you are in real life, you have a great normal, cool brooklyn existence. Is that worth getting mentioned (and occasionally slammed) by other websites? Up to you.
I will keep reading what you write, but if it's affecting the rest of you life in a way that's not kosher (no Chassid), then fuck the blogosphere right in it's hairy waxy ear.
Internet dwellers are fucking assholes who live to shit on everything that is good.
You're writing is hilarious and insightful, and it improves my life! Keep it up!
First, Cunty!
Who will always get a pass because I walk around all day going "and now over to Cunty McStevens with the weather, Cunty!"
Ty, I didn't realize you were cooked down while posting, my bad, I make no sense when I'm baked either. Now i'm old so i can only bake before bed, and I work in finance so you've got me on the lifestyle. Actually now i realize it's your style that I give up on after a while, too many ( )s and pop-culture references. Start your own thing homes, it's really easy if you haven't already, and you obviously got a lot to say.
BN, if you're still backed up when I sees ya next week i'm going to pull out your nuggets like the fag nurse did to Artie's dad.
The concepts I was planning to post were well covered by Filthy Lucretius, so I'll just add a few minor points.
First, there is a known correlation link between Constapation and Depression so go drink some Metamucil and you may feel better. After that, I'd suggest a holiday vacation from the blog. Give yourself until 2009 and spend some extra time with your kids.
Second, Filthy Lucretius is right about the SC comments being a different audience. Keep in mind that those people find humor in bad attire and crappy old TV commercials. Don't let those punks bring you down. Think about it, you are a "guest" in their house, so they will be hostile if you don't put their "cheese" in the right place. If you are on SC for the $$, great. But, stick to reading the comments here at your house if you want genuine comments about your work.
Third, please keep posting, I will try to make it worth your while. I too made a small contribution to the diaper fund a few weeks ago. I've never done anything like that before, so you are getting through to some of us. My better contribution is that you should buy from diapers.com. It's the cheapest prices out there, arrives at your door and there is no tax or S/H if your order is over $50, which is maybe a weeks supply for any baby.
Finally, regarding your "ring", you need to keep perspective. It's not like you actually went ahead and punked McCain's daughter then ended up on CNN sitting next to DL Hughley (who gave him a CNN show anyway?) That being said, I'll sign off with this classic quote:
"With great power comes great responsibility"
-Stan Lee
I think a lot of people feel strongly about this and that's awesome. I love this site too. But I think what a lot of people haven't really considered yet is the toll of the strain that comes with maintaining a blog that's read by thousands.
You work your 9 to 5, come home, do the best you can to not neglect your wife and kids and fulfill your role as father/husband, handle all of the menial bullshit life will throw your way like bills and faulty plumbing and then, when people are calling it a day, you're expected to spin 1,500 words of gold (cause nevermind the audience, YOU won't accept less) for a post concerning a bunch of issues that are at times very heavy.
Not easy. In fact: Difficult nearing impossible.
That's why this site is so amazing. BN constantly delivers. I keep a blog and I know there are times I wander in at some god forsaken hour of the night/morning fresh off some serious partying and all I want is my bed -but the blog owns you. I have to write. There is no way to ignore the expectation. When you start blogging all you want is to have a readership and to have the readership love your writing. Then you succeed only to find you've become a slave to the approval.
Blogging isn't like writing books.
Your audience won't always be there if you take a few months off. You dont' get a year to make one big project. You are constantly accountable and only ever as good as your last couple posts. It's the most demanding medium in which one can write.
Add to all of that the feeling of the world pulling you in a thousand different directions because you're constantly having to grapple with who you know yourself to be vs. how you are perceived by the thousands of internet eyes forming their opinion of you via your blog - you can't just shake that off. You'd probably question yourself all the time or feel like the things you know about yourself that used to anchor you are gone and you're just floating in space.
And what are you getting out of it? Yeah I pitched on the diaper fund too, but fuck.
The blog has reached its apex in terms of what it can provide BN. I think the next logical step is to go full out into writing PRO - being an author or screenwriter or whatever. See, what people don't realize, cause they love this blog so much, is that this blog is the one thing that will never let BN become an financially successful career author or allow him to advance to a place where he can make his living from writing because its too consuming. There's a unique strain on a writer that comes from blogging and I understand how it can become burdensome.
BN has already proven he has talent. He's already set up a readership and provided a great service to his readers by maintaining the site as well as he has with a ridiculously consistent level of quality. I think it's time for the readership to step back and consider what HE needs in order to advance as a writer, and it may be giving up the blog. Blogging IS real authorship, but it may not be the form of authorship that's going to allow BN to live properly given his real world situation. I know, hard to believe cause he does it so well right? Problem is you don't see what it takes to make the post you read every morning, so maybe you take it for granted. What if there's a better way?
I'd be just as sad as any of you to see it go, but if it means reading a book by BlogNigger sometime in the future or seeing a film with a screenplay by BlogNigger then how could I complain on that?
What's the alternative? Keep BN here as the dancing monkey until he implodes?
I can accept his decision either way, so long as he comes to it on his terms. It's the only way he's gonna be okay, the readership will still be okay no matter what and it's also the only way the writing will stay good.
The only way BN would be selling out or showing cowardice is if he gave up writing all together, but I expect he's smarter than that. You can't not go for it when you're this good.
I work in the titillating field of insurance. Every second of work is a breathless spreadsheeting of some riveting numbers, calculating badass percentages, making kickass Powerpoint presentations, getting ready for cathartic meetings, driving around in the company F50 at breakneck speeds, webinars, conference calls, life or death negotiations with insurance companies, and eating the world's finest Quizno's sandwiches at seat-of-the-pants "lunch and learns" over sick presentations that grab you by the throat and won't let go.
Maybe it's because my life is so thrilling that I am able to be so calm when posting some shit in response to your blog, but I bet some of those people whose jobs are less thrilling than mine say outrageous shit on just to entertain themselves. I wouldn't take it personally. If I didn't lead such a fast-paced life, I might start a blog, post a strange comment on someone else's blog, or even kickfuck and then strangle some hookers.
I wouldn't pay it much attention, dude. Streetcarnage has a fucking TINY readership compared to the Import Tuner message board or some blog about being a mommy or any number of other esoteric little sites.
Everything is everything, or something. It's all the same. Calm down. Is my point. Put differently, if wearing the ring involves not killing a few of my monotonous work minutes a day, then keep it on please.
Damn! You mean you haven't shat yet? I very much agree with a few others here that say everything will be OK after a nice movement. But if it's not, maybe the next day will be coke-on-tits awesome for no reason at all. I fucking hope so. I just found you and you are the coke on my tits! Tits on my coke? ...You're the cat's pajamas. OK - so yeah the big NEED out there is potentially damaging and for sure frightening. I bet it feels like you're trying to put out a house fire with a squirt gun. Fuck the house squirt the crowd, that's what you're good at.
Ty - you make me wanna smoke again
BN, I doubt you need someone to tell you this, but w/ respect to this blog, do whatever makes you happy. If it keeps showing up, I'll keep reading.
Dude why don't you post once a week instead of almost every day? I'm amazed at the quality of your writing but also at the freaking amount of stuff you put out. That kind of pressure would make my shit impacted too.
After reading The FOOL'S comments, which feel like I wrote them myself, I went to the toilet and took a massive dump.
if you stop blogging i will kill myself.
You are taking on everyone's problems-and people will take and take until you lose everything--and replace it with religion. If u was getting paid it wouldn't matter as much.
Hold out till you get a book deal (which you will)and get your head out of your ass!
You sound like Dave Chappelle right before he quit making his show.
Ah fuck em!! Emo's are going to eat tears for breakfast regardless..
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