Seems like Kafka was the only exception to this rule - homeboy wrote all his shit down, put it under his bed, and told his best friend: All my shit SUCKS, it's worthless; you are hereby instructed, UPON MY IMPENDING TUBERCULOSIS DEATH, to burn and destroy all of my worthless horrible writing. His best friend ignored him and sold all that shit, which is why we have Kafka today.
EVERYBODY else, as far as I can figure, wants props for their artistic creations. I'm addicted to props, which is why it's so hard to give up Blognigger. When I was in college and in my 20's, I used to blame this addiction on my dad - if he hadn't left home, I wouldn't need to prove anything to anyone. Wah.
But then I saw my son, when he was 4 months old, kicking his feet and being like "CHECK my shit out! I'm the fuckin man, right? Lookit that left kick- UH! pretty dope, right?"
The little blank human wanted props! And I realized - oh shit, that right there is an ingrained biological urge. Hardwired: man's need for props.
And then I thought back to being a kid, way before my dad left home, and dancing in front of my mirror and wanting to be like Rocky 3, and wanting to be like Tom Cruise and fly F-14s, and wanting to be like Run DMC and get PROPS. Oh snap - it wasn't my dad afterall - It's just that I'm a faggot! I would daydream about being Tom Cruise! And what was I after, the 10 year old F-15 strike-eagle pilot dancing to Danger Zone in front of the mirror?
Hooray! Hooray for the new Maverick!!! Hooray for the Genius!!! He's a chessmaster and a boxer and a DJ and an author and a guitarist and he can DANCE. He's the ONLY person to have ever seen the MIG; Did he SEE it!?! Are you an IDIOT - he gave the pilot the finger!! INVERTED, that's how. He's just a kid but he's a FUCKING SUPERHERO. See that kid honey? IF you can MARRY someone half as good as him, you'll be one lucky little BITCH. Not only did he beat the Russians - look how he dances!
Thank jesus my dances aren't on youtube like the starwars kid - who also just wanted props as the world's most powerful jedi.
I hate when people deny it. Oh, so you're an artist just for the sake of artistic expression? Ok, so why don't you write shit and just put it under your bed then, like Kafka? Why do you want niggas to see it and say how dope you are - and why does it hurt when they tell you you suck?
Because of the human need for props. ALL artists are inherently egotistical: deep down they hope they rule, and they want props to prove it.
I saw Maya Angelou give Dave Chapelle some advice I am too much of a faggot to follow:
David, don't pick it up, and don't lay it down.
Get it? You got it, right? She's a genius, right? Liar, how could you get it!? No one can understand that without context! You're pretending to get it just 'cause she's Maya Angelou? Cause she has the most props, right? Don't front, but don't feel bad: she had to explain it for anyone to get it, not just you. Here's what she meant, paraphrased: Don't pay attention when people give you props, because otherwise, you have to pay attention when they say you ain't shit. Leave it!!
Well, who the fuck can follow that advice? I can't. Still though, I wish I could.
Get it? Well, Internet Fame is like the CRACK of props. It has an insanely fast instant-gratification which feels high as a kike, and a corresponding low that smacks you down like a sunofabitch - and FAST! Props - dis - props - dis - you RULE! you SUCK SHIT KILL YOURSELF!
Internet Fame is a helluva drug. It comes right to your email seconds after you post your latest jam.
Internet Fame feels worldwide but is actually extremely localized.
Internet Fame gives you a totally false sense of grandeur - That's why I like the drug analogy: You must be on crack if you think you're famous! If I go up to anyone in the world except about 10,000 regular readers of this blog and say "blognigger" - they'll be like, "you're an asshole."
It's like being a faggot-ass Department Head at a small pretentious liberal arts college: All these people at the college suck your balls and swoon like "ooooh, Dr. Nigger is head of the department! Have you seen his presentation on faggots?? Dr. Nigger got his paper published in the cockjournal - AGAIN!! Most ever!! New record!! He's the Michael Phelps of dogshit. ooooh Dr Nigger, will you sign my permisson slip?"
And damn big guy - you're the talk of the town amongst all the sweet lovely college students and faculty at their shitty little tea houses and lunch joints. It makes Dr. Nigger FEEL big, but in reality, like say, New York Mutherfuckin City, Dr. Nigger ain't shit.
Academia is founded on this shit - little jerkoffs running around to get props in their tiny community, or even by publishing papers in little journals that no one gives a shit about but their mothers and the other jackoffs who couldn't get their papers published.
And that's me!
Except at least THEY make enough money to buy a house! I'm just addicted to the meaningless power of having the kids who read streetcarnage tell me they like me. Ha! What a faggot!
So, just like my addiction to legal drugs, I need to break it. I need to focus on what's going to let me create something beautiful - like BN - but that will allow me to get paid enough to do it for a living. This ain't it - the one thing BN provides is Internet Fame - and that won't get you a single sack of Huggies 2-4.
Internet Fame has fucked me up, and it's ALL my fault for not following Maya's rule. I'm stupid and insecure enough to believe that I'm somehow better or better off for having people I don't know tell me I'm good- and then not giving a shit what my wife says.
Ah, there it is: that right there is the crux of the problem.
Hope you like this!!!
40 comments:
Oh shit! Not more of this crap.
"Methinks the nigger doth protest too much..."
You aren't giving up your addiction to fame...you're seeking it at a wider level dickhead. Why not stick to your knitting and wait for this site to really blow up? Hoe the row you know.
OK, ok. That's my two cents. However, that little riff about academia, "Oh Dr. Nigger I loved your paper about faggots, will you sign my permission slip," was HILARIOUS. You are definitely talented.
I was just thinking this morning, before I had contacts in or glasses on. Kid lying next to me making my mouth open and close "just like a nutcracker." In the too dark-too quiet morning of central New York I specifically pondered the Blognigger:
Internet Killed the Internet Star
Then I thought of how Zefrank must have thought he was KING OF THE MOTHERFUCKING INTERNET and shit with people racing each other to post the word "first" and shit. A Wiki page with a photo and people all knowing all about his life and how he danced on his Christmas emailings.
I though of how Onstad must have had TROUBLE finding a hat for that giant noggin on his neck after he started doing real world book tours with women and men proposing to him in comic book stores. He must have freaked out back when he was anonymous and saw someone walking in the middle of San Mateo with a shirt he sold on the interwebs. He must have gotten really frightened back when he posted Baby Update and some stranger wrote about how they wanted to eat his motherfuckin' baby and were serious about that.
And then I thought about how the Blognigger must be have been walking around Park Slope wondering if, "I wonder if they know?" and nodding to strangers and thinking, "they must know" because I'm about seven inches taller and one shade blacker/whiter and I can slam dunk a basketball now and critique a dissertation and break dance and people from all over the WORLD write me for advice and my iPhone is blowing up (blacktalk) with comments and I get more comments than Gavin and Derrick and that wasted push-up nigger combined and people say they know me and feel me and I speak for a generation and my, oh shit, my fucking stomach.... When was the last dump I took and why is my wife so pissed it must be menses and.... The headaches. The tension. The tug-n-runs aren't helping and I need a fucking shrink because my hair is falling out.
Help me Obi-Wan Yoda Dr. Dre you're my only hope. I'm gonna fucking diiiieeeee!
Then Bob the Blognigger (Yes We Can!) realized that unlike Zefank and Chris Onstad and Gavin and even that bitch crying about Britney on YouTube nobody really knew who Bob the Blognigger (Yes We Can!) really was.
Nobody. For reals.
Like a thief in the night or one of those guys who break into coed dorm rooms just to snuggle, he could just walk away. Just. Like. That.
Or. He could invent a new identity. Or. He could swap anonymous identities with somebody else on the interwebs. Or. Just blog somewhere else. He is a writer. Characters are easy. All of 'em. So easy. This Blognigger shit was a tip of an iceberg. Knuckles just cracked he went back to his laptop and started to write.
"Internet Saved the Internet Star"
The swan be singing...
I kinda havta agree with seth on the "protest too much" take.
look, dude, there's nothing wrong with digging the props when you're doing something prop-worthy. it's only a problem when you pander for the props, and you've done that maybe once, and you were getting paid, so it's all good.
my guess is that you and your family could live with the internet fame addiction. it's the helpmail that's going to kill you. you thought "ask BN" was going to be a cute way to change up the funny from time to time. but in the course of being funny, some of your shit actually made, like, sense, and next thing you know, hundreds of anonymous readers are coming to you with their very real and very terrible problems. it's like when god dude suddenly starts hearing the pleas of the tormented in Bruce Almighty. it's a burden no one - let alone a daddy of two - should have to bear. just remember that while you probably could help a few of these poor unfortunate souls out just a little bit (telling that wife not to call the cops on her man for free pr0ns was a critical intervention), you can't help everyone. and let's be fair - if they're asking some dude named Robert Dobbs Jr. to sort everything out for them, they're casting a pretty wide net, and most of them will find another source of salvation. the .01% who will be genuinely damaged by your not getting back to them are almost certainly beyond your help anyway.
so, yeah, you probably need to put a lid on that pandora's box. just don't take down archives, so we can go back and parse your early words for prophecy.
or: get a compound and go all David Koresh on our asses. just a thought.
incredible. brave and hilarious.
Seth, you remain, as ever, a cum-loving douche, but I'll miss you.
BN's not trying to trade up in fame - he wants to be a writer and quit his day job, and he needs money to do that. Blognigger.com is never gonna make any money, get real.
And it also won't let him work on other projects! A sucubus whore.
Filthy L - you've got a good point about the helpmail, but bn would deal with it if he were making enough money to live on this.
The publishers all know about bn - if they were gonna give him a book deal they would have already.
He's gotta go out and write, there's no other way he'll ever break through. Make it happen bn.
cable guy, i think you're wrong about the book deal.
those things take time.
BN, I will miss you, but I understand. I had my 15 minutes of internet fame, and I had to quit that shit cold turkey. I was so invested in what others thought of me, I almost forgot who I am.
It worked for me, mostly. I had to kill the beast, and I'm still rebuilding my self-esteem/identity. I look forward to reading what you write in whatever incarnation you choose.
Peace.
"If you're good at something, never do it for free."
Good luck...
It hurts me to say this, but suck MY dick.
With this search for 'legitimate' noninternet fame your boarding the cockboat and setting sail for dick.
I have to wish you all the best though. Hope you make it and don't sink like some faggot on the the Titanic.
Ah, you fucken slut, you remind me of some piece a shit rapper whining about how he needs to get "paid."
I love these hypothetical arguments about selling out when there's nobody buying.
Whatever dude, have fun.
hahahah Seth and Robster Kraw - yall sound like some SERIOUSLY scorned BITCHES!!
WAH we want blognigger here with ussss!!! Hold me blognigger, no one will love you like we do, WAHHHHHHHHH!!!
this kid has talent and you know it. Way to be supportive of someone who has brought you so much joy - you fags are the PROBLEM.
yep, Kraw and Seth - that hurts.
But listen - if the way you took all this is "BN is just trying to GET MORE FAMOUS" - "GET REAL, LEGITIMATE NON-INTERNET FAME" - then I don't think you're paying attention.
Didn't read the comments. Saw in another post about looking for a book deal. This happens to be pretty much the worst book market ever (and book writing happens to be a pretty shitty paying job to begin with), so good luck. Might want to consider submitting articles to magazines, because you don't need an agent for that.
Or at least that's the route I'm going for.
Nah, go for it baby. Sure it hurts that yer leaving us poor babies behind, but I am all for it. Seriously, I am just busting your chops calling you a stinking streetwhore.
However, it is an extremely niggerish attitude to believe that if you are good at something then you MUST be paid for it, or why do it? That explains 90% of the lazy black man stereotype.
The only thing worth doing is what you love to do. Money ain't shit.
Nuff said.
niggerish attitude...
jesus, what have i wrought.
Seth, old friend, I don't want a spot on the red carpet or a Ferrari. I'd just like to make ends meet, and do so via writing. Can you really begrudge me for that?
No man, I don't begrudge you anything...I was referring to h8r h8r's comment.
Seriously dude, I think you are a great writer and are very funny. I just would hate to see your shit pressed thru the pc filter and expelled as pablum.
Like that other guy said, it's a tough book market out there...but I seriously would be first in line to buy whatever you get out. Good luck dude...I would NEVER say that you are niggerish...whatever that means :)
@Robster Kraw
BAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Wow. I just looked at a random zefrank show. Glad Blognigger never went that route. write your book, bn - but give us a taste... and since you're being careerist about this have you consulted with folks that know their way around the book/movie biz? Is there a plan beyond first stepping of write write write? If you don't wanna divulge your fetal mind product baby secret, I'm sure we'd be interested to hear some more process oriented stuff. anyways, good luck
allow me to quote Scott the engineer.
"FUCK EVERYONE!"
empty fulfillment is just that.
good luck and thanks for the laughs.
you forgot Emily Dickinson.
but its the right decision - no doubt.
Hey BN when Seth starts paying the rent let me know, otherwise get fucking paid for anything you can, ideology is for the rich.
However, I like to do this, maybe you can try too. If you want to experiment with ingrained human psychology try this. Drive to your local Target or other big-box and just take the first parking spot you see, no matter how far away from the doors. The natural impulse is to drive around and around until you find the closest possible spot to the door, even if you waste 20 ins doing so. That is a small first step in breaking your own will. Step two is learning to kill with your mind, work on step one.
The props in being a liberal-arts department head is in fucking the idealism out of tight 18 year old slippery poon, and that's real props!
and now Scorpions
"I follow the Moskova, down to Gorky Park, listening to the winds of change."
I'm confused. At least 80% of your comments are usually spot on. But suddenly no one seems to actually have a clue. WTF.
'Tis true that the book market is total dick right now so I don't think Blog's moving on strictly for some money. Or fame, because he would keep doing this here interWeb log.
I'm guessing that when one has a Project that's dying to get out of one's brain-queue, then one just has to do what it takes to let it the hell out and Web log and Web log "fans" be damned. Fame be damned. Money be damned. Family (almost) be damned.
Graduation time.
But if Blog does have a bite with some cash on the hook or he feels ready to spend his own "momentum capital" then.... Shit, then it becomes a thing. And nothing stands between a man and his thing, right? It's like a mama bear and her cub.
"Selling out" is only "selling out" to people who don't have any opportunities to "sell out." I'm always for sale. yo. And I haven't seen a cubicle in five years.
But what do I fucking know. I'm just guessing like the rest of you Blogniggers. But maybe the Blognigger is hustlin' our dumb asses. He did borrow a couple grand from me until he gets his advance.
Was I grifted? He asked for and I sent cash.
i will sincerely miss you nohomo.
wow Robster Kraw is an unbelievable shithead
Point to ponder: stupid internet douchebags like Tucker Max and Maddox have turned their shitty internet webpage writings into book deals that made them assloads of money, and you write way better than those guys. If it's fucking up your life, then you should write less, or find a way to fit it into your life schedule more harmoniously, but if you keep this up and keep getting the hits, someone will eventually pay you to do this. I feel sure of that. After all, the Vice guys (including head Streetcarnage douchebag Gavin McInnes) have gotten multiple books published. It'll happen for you if you keep it up (and maybe hustle for it a bit, but don't ask me how that shit works).
Just sayin.
Man, you are good.
If I go up to anyone in the world except about 10,000 regular readers of this blog and say "blognigger" - they'll be like, "you're an asshole."
oh man, i nearly pissed myself imagining you walking up to some wall street-type white guy and saying this.
weeee!
I'm not sure we're going to make this any easier on you. The only things that I can think to say are these:
1. You have time. We will not forget you nearly as quickly as you might expect. There will be readers next time you have something to say.
2. I like this quote: "For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It's always ourselves we find in the sea.” E.E. Cummings.
I realize its hard to swallow advice from the kind of dork who quotes E.E. Cummings in the comments section of a blog (that all sounded very blowjobby), but sometimes you gotta get yourself out there before you regain your perspective. I'm not sure anyone would feel like walking away from something like this.
Then again, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Anyway, thank you for doing what you do. I needed it.
KW
godspeed blognigger!
Alls I know is the last one better be about pussy.
hey niggerblogger, i must have missed the post where you recunted your advice on mood alterers - buried in these last two post partums you're saying a coupla times you're gonna go of the happy pills and turn into NovelNigger or ScreenplayNigger all at once?
Hardcore. Is this some kind of self sabotageification so you can have another bloodless Shining sequel? Assume you're doing this following the owner's manual and shit so good luck with that...
Good luck with everything irrefuckinggardless.
Still love to hear a little of the plan and process...
ha! "Hope you like this!!!" priceless. LOL!!!
seriously though, it's really hard to develop a sense of yourself without external feedback. the need for props, for external validation, for feedback IS ingrained in social animals. I've been thinking about this a lot, having serious self-esteem and confidence issues. In the words of Tyler Durden (I know, I know) "You are not your job. You're not your f**king khakis." So then, how do we all define ourselves? Kids who don't have parents loving them and providing them with attention fail to thrive (putting it lightly). So, if the whole world is telling you you're shit (or vice versa) how can that NOT influence you in some small way? we don't live in a vacuum. this is what I keep banging my head against when reading about buddhism and such. how do you free yourself of desires? the whole act of being alive is desires. i'm a depressive and i put myself through some majorly stupid shit thinking about this, always trying to find a system of thought that will allow me to consistently think well of myself, to not have my ideas of myself contantly swayed by the whims or word choices of any person who crosses my path.
so, rambling. in a faggoty manner as well. thanks for all the great writing and the great topics. you'll be missed but I'll be looking out for your books and movies. :) it's fantastic that you're taking steps to do this for cash. I hope you make millions.
You don't do it now, you find yourself 20 years later, broke, high, no girlfriend, out writing the same old shit on the Manhattan Bridge at 38 years of age - and for what? A little fame in a little world.
Nice decision baby.
I think you'll find Tyler Durden was wrong.
@ Anon 7:47.
Oh shit that's me! I cry a thousand Hebrew tear upon the wasteland of my squandered "gifts" from G-d.
I feel so busted. And so...alone.
PS having a wife is AWESOME, right?
Excellent choice of image to accompany this post.
Choice.
Beautiful.
And well put.
Godspeed, indeed. But don't forget the family... and that means you too. And keep them bills paid!
I look forward to the movie. You'd bring new life...
You know what's funny? This is:
http://names.whitepages.com/Robert/Dobbs
Yeah, at the end of the day, we all wanna emulate 50 Cent.
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