Listen: You know I haven't been blindly supporting Obama this whole time. I've had my doubts and reservations and bemoaned the fact that I have to vote for the same person as all these park slope-minded PC fucktards...
At this point though, with Palin's Christian Theocracy waiting in the wings to take over the free world in February '09 once McCain has a stroke, and with the reality that a vote for Obama is a vote to instantaneously and miraculously heal everyone in the entire world's perception of the USA including mine and my wife's, I'm going out this morning to do what needs to be done.
I'm deeply concerned though, because of my dumbshit liberal friends emailing me all day saying "Obama's got it in the bag! Don't worry! Relax!" – or as one douche literally told me this afternoon: "It's mathematically IMPOSSIBLE for McCain to win at this point."
Listen to me, Tsongas: It is NEVER impossible for Democrats to fuck everything up and fail miserably.
That being said, there are only two ways that Obama can lose and let the world fall into the clutches of evil:
1) Everyone adopts the complacency of my math genius friend Douchey mcTeaBag there, and stays home from the polls getting high and counting their tax refund cash.
FAR MORE LIKELY:
2) The conspiracy steals the fucking election with their new age weapons of deception: touch screens, trick buzzers, long lines, random denials, grandfather clauses, landowner requirements, false school gymnasium entrances, trap doors, and hanging cockchads.
So here's the fucking deal: I've read my goddamn log files - every state in the union has a minimum of 100 blogniggers. Here's the fucking google analytics map, alright???
Green means fucking visits. Every state in the country has at LEAST 100 blogniggers (South Dakaota), and most have at least 10 times that.
Now, while it's true that one third of the site traffic comes in from
people googling the following terms: (source, statcounter Mon 11/3/08)
spanish women black dick in the ass
drunk mom tack boy dick porn
clits
guy born with two dicks fucking
guys with big dick
tits off
white guys dicks
www.obama's a nigger.com
www,black guys dick
black man finger wife
big dick gay black guys
blacks on white boys
black penis funcking white women
why are white women like black dick
a long dick shoved threw a vajina and out the other end
gays with great dicks
a man sucking a dick and fucking at the same time
hot daughters black dick
I know a guy who sucks dick is he gay?
blognigger street carnage
movie where an asian woman gets her head chopped off
big dicks
white guys who love black guys gay
black gay guys dick
women sucking little boys dick
eating pussy can cause AIDS
Are black peoples dicks bigger
did I just suck a dick
will my wife give me some pussy
blow job by a guy does that make you gay?
blognigger blog which cannot be named
big dicks gay blecks
gay guys measuring their dicks
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best damn pussy
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blog nigger
I want a picture of a gay mans dick
jamaican woman with small clits
I still believe that with our numbers and intellect, we can make a difference.
It is up to all of us to STOP the conspiracy from stealing the election. Here's our strategy: Think of all of our nation's polling stations an enormous fucking Korean Bodega. Now how do Koreans keep blacks from stealing shit from their stores?
- THEY WATCH THEM
- THEY VIDEO THEM
Now, there is one other part to the strategy:
Keep in mind that there are millions of people who vote for American Idol but do not vote in Presidential elections; Many of you may not care enough to bring a video camera into polling facilities merely to save democracy - but you MIGHT care enough to do so if you can contribute to a hotter-than-shit viral website. Therefore, here is my proposal:
There's one crucial, heroic component of our electoral structure that has forever gone unheralded: BIG FAT BLACK LADIES.
Like their ruder counterparts at DMVs across the nation, Big Fat Black Ladies are ubiquitous at every single polling facility in the continental United States. Some are good natured, and call you dear or hun or baby – and some are evil: they scowl at you, glare, and are downright angry that you have the right to vote – but regardless of their alignment, they are all HEROES.
Why is it that every polling place, in every election, is always staffed by at least one great big fat black lady? Can anyone deny the disproportionate representation that this ethnic subgroup brings to the service of our democracy? It's time to pay them the tribute they deserve.
Take your video cameras and cameras into these polling places. TAKE PICTURES of the BIG FAT BLACK LADY at your facility. Then, send them to me @ blogngr -at- gmail.com. I have created a viral blog website which will storm the internets today, election day 2008:
TheBigFatBlackLadiesWorkingThePollsAreAllAmericanHeroes
This website will be the world's most comprehensive documentation of this phenomenon - every single polling facility's big fat black lady collected all in one searchable index.
When you send me a picture of a big fat black lady (HERO) I will post them with your credit and any link you want. Also remember to tell me if you feel they are GOOD or EVIL, because it will be fun to take a tally of this while we're saving the world.
Now you have a reason to bring a video / still camera into your polling facilities. After you are done taking pictures of your allocated big fat black lady, IF YOU SEE VOTING SHENANIGANS OF ANY KIND, you will be armed to document them and help to save the free world.
In case you think this is a joke, you're pissing me off: I'M FUCKING SERIOUS: how many stupid pictures of bullshit do you take with that stupid phone? Nice sunset, faggot. Take ONE goddamn picture of a fat black lady in your polling station and mail it to me and help me save the world.
Only by crowdsourcing this effort can we ensure that no one pulls a fast one or steals a lighter or a forty. If you ARE witness to voting shenanigans, submit your videos to videothevote.org; these muthafuckers are serious.
Well, they called me a four-eyed pile of shit in highschool – Today we prove that they were wrong: The pile of shit has ten THOUSAND eyes!
It's do or die, blogniggers.
You're all clear kid...
25 comments:
even i'll be serious.
DO IT. they can't steal this shit this time.
So, uh, that ambien thing didn't work out so well for you I guess.
Me neither.
NEVER underestimate the Democratic Party's capacity to fuck some even basic shit up in an election. Also, NEVER underestimate to Republican Party's capacity to do the dirty deed, no matter how blatant and coal-fired crazy it may be, if they think it will tip the balance in an election.
I will not exhale until around 9pm tomorrow (or whenever it's all over, whichever comes first).
I for one LOVE that this is exactly the nightmare shit envisioned by those who tried to stop black Americans from registering to vote and casting their votes all down the line ~ even into the last election (in Florida). Michael Schwerner, Andrew Goodman, and James Chaney did not die in vain, word.
I'm Korean but I don't have a deli. But I am watching you simply cause you're black. Yes, I'm THAT kind of Korean.
Man I wish I could vote but I'm all English and shit.
Hey Blognogger, there was a article about Park Slope in the Guardian today. Aren't you guys all just the cutest!!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/nov/04/us-elections-brooklyn-texas-voters
If you don't want to get shot at (Korean store) or sweated by the county sheriff (election poll) take your big black poll lady pictures AFTER your voting is completed so you can run the fuck out.
Me? I slept pretty damn well (50 mg Tramadol and two beers) but I did wake up at like 4:00 thinking ("thinking") about this beautiful, nerdy thick redhead in a "neck cowl" ad on the interwebz (.jpg is here: http://ny-image1.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.42115389.jpg).
What erection? Uh, must have slipped into some subliminal Korean, sorry. What election? I'm in love.
Let's do this shit, Blogniggers!
I actually didn't mean to call you Blognogger. The I's right next to the O. It actually sounds more racist somehow. Apologies.
Holy shit you were right and wrong! I woke up and followed your instructions-pic of obese black woman pollnigger attached-and you won't believe this, but she demanded that I recite the whole goddam Constitution before she would let me vote! She laughed when I stumbled on Article IV and said "Sorry boy next time maybe."
You niggers just flipped the script! I knew that power corrupts but this is fucken ridiculous! Oh well welcome home everybody.
You know, Knut Hamsun the Nobel Prize winner predicted this when he toured America in the 1880s: he described the country as a "mulatto stud farm." Not far off son!
Best,
Your favorite Uptown Blognigger,
Seth
Blognigger, you are a genius and an American hero. Way to rally the Big Dicks Gay Blecks vote.
I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of a dream about Kobe Bryant's aunt offering me fellatio on a road trip. She was white. Is that an omen?
In reality, she was the mother of someone I know who went to Colgate with Adonal Foyle. But you know dreams...
Go Team.
So, there was no big fat black lady at my polling place in NYC, for the first time EVER. We had a semi-large white lady with two adorable YOUNG PEOPLE, early 20s, 1 black chick and 1 white guy, as "observers." And thousands - literally thousands of Upper West Siders lined up to vote.
Unbelievable way to see change. Watch the people take back the country tonight, blognigger, and know that a new day is coming.
As my old mother says (quoting Carl Sandburg): "The people, yes!"
I must have the most stereotypical lilly white voting location in the entire mid-west-of-A. And they all seem to know each other... But it's at a school and I can see a little black girl through one of the windowed doors - does that count? And I did see an old black lady voting when I came in. That appears to be all St. Clair Township has to offer.
Damn! I missed the call for photos. I tossed and turned all night so your ass could get some sleep BN and I see now it was for nothing.
I got to my polling place at 6 am sharp and it was packed full of all kinds of black folks of all sizes (mostly big, it is Washington Heights after all). I could have filled your page up with photos.
I aksed one of the election ladies for an "I voted" sticker and she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "We can't afford that." My neighborhood is too poor for the "I voted" stickers. Damn!
To report Voting Problems (here's one way anyway)
http://www.ourvotelive.org/about.php
Don't know what this site even is (it had a "Yes on Prop 8" thingy which would make it anti-gay-marriage-right-wingnut) yet its poll had Obama at 87.2%. That would be so cool.
http://www.iftheworldcouldvote.com/results
No black lady at my polling place. We had an old black dude, though.
Also, posting pictures of people heroically doing a public service and calling them big and fat is counterproductive. No, that's not the right word...how about, "fucking retarded?"
I don't know what you think you're doing, but whatever the hell it is will be misinterpreted by...well, everyone. You remember when the "tolerant" folks at Jezebel got bent out of shape about some stupid bullshit because they have no sense of humor?
Horse, this was a fairly brilliant way of getting people to bring cameras into polling places, period.
If BN gets ONE extra person to bring a camera to a polling center, then I say it was worth it.
As usual for BN, it's offensive but funny. Don't worry about the fat black ladies - they aren't going to see the site. It's clear we're not talking about 1000s and 1000s of submissions and worldwide press. Gimme a break.
use the force, nigga
ah amelia underscore bedilia, for a dyke you're alright.
shove it horse.
speaking of cockblockers, where the fuck is ferdydyke? cmon mr. oldschool where u at?
These are supposed to be "Black Panthers" intimidating people at a polling place in Philly. WTF? (naturally Fox News is all over this)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neGbKHyGuHU&eurl=http://townhall.com/blog
Not sure what's scarier on that Video the Vote link, the fact that some guy in Florida feels disenfranchised, or the fact that he's voting and he thinks "unorganization" is a word.
@anon 3:33
dont act like an idot- that fucking video is crucial. thats the whole point of this protective excercise.
the florida process is fucked up again- thank god that guy's documenting it! who cares if he has shitty grammar, dumbass
@ericf
Uneducated voters are the reason why Sarah Palin is Governor of Alaska.
Making up words is not a grammar problem, it's a stupidity problem, especially if you are videotaping yourself doing it in order to "educate" other people.
You had me at "a picture of Han Solo."
There were no big fat black ladies working my polling station. It was all white ladies, all of them looked at least 80 years old. I have to vote in a fucking church. They only way they can get me into a church is to vote! Doesn't that seem to sort of go against the separation of church and state? I always have to go to church to vote.
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