It will really fucking suck if I die before finding out who's going to win the election, but that might have to happen because of the absurd amount of Ambien I'm going to take tonight.
If it does happen, Benjamin has my password and is authorized to make a here's who he was post. If I die, don't suspect foul play like some Mary Kate Ashley shit and cause my family a big fucking hassle with an autopsy and cutting me open and shit, re-stitchin me to get me into that goddamn tux and into the casket.
How fucked up is that when someone has an autopsy and then an open casket? Like you know they just stuffed a bunch of guts back into him and then into a fucking suit? Alright-them niggers wont see this shit he's gawn be in a SUIT. Imagine you're at an open-casket wake and you notice a little clear stain on the white tux-shirt of the body, and it's coming from the fucking GUTS they stuffed back into him and it's oozing onto the shirt?
That shit is FUCKED up, and it's basically why I'd want to be cremated - except for that .0001% chance that when you're dead it turns out you're actually still alive but just can't move or talk and shit? And then they stuff you into that fire and you can feel it? Jesus christ. Although is that really worse than sitting in the darkgrave for eternity with the worms? ...and that's DEATH- there's no way out cause it's already death?!?!
See; This is why I'm taking Ambien.
All that stream of consciousness shit is made up of ruminations, and dem shits is exactly what hijacks my brain while I'm trying to get the fuck to sleep.
This all started one night in 9th grade - it was the night before my first big overnight no-parents ski trip with my friends and some great weed. I've never been so fucking stoked - I got everything lined up in the fucking hallway by the door, all packed and ready to walk outta the house at 5am to be the first ones at Hunter shithole mountain.
Everything was neat and packed and ready; I even brushed my teeth that night to make sure everything was perfectly in-order. I got into bed, sat there and stared at the clock, and COULD NOT fucking fall asleep. After a whole hour had passed, I started to get pissed off and began cursing at myself like go to fucking SLEEP. This obviously wound me up and fucked me even harder, just like my rage disorder always does, making it impossible for me to achieve my otherwise simple goals.
When it got to be like 1am, I just started panicking and freaking out, now I have four hours best case scenario and that's not enough so I'm already fucked. Might as well cancel, I'm fucked, I ruined it it's ruined, and then I was fucking hopeless. A little 14-year-old black twisted bundle of nerves and anger and fear, his brain working tooth-and-nail against him to keep him from enjoying life.
Well, my age is different, tengo mas años, but not much else has changed. Except that this time, I'm packin'; the rattler full of Ambien is my salty salty jesus; Blognigger's back and he's pissed off - I'm ready to SLEEP, son. Supplies niggas!!!!
This fucking election makes my 9th grade ski trip look like a 9th grade fucking ski trip. And the reason I need a shit-ton of Ambien is because my neurotic black brain has started to grow more powerful than Ambien itself. It EATS that shit, it DARES me to take it. If I just take a regular dose, I'll wake up tripping at 2am and my wife will look purple. I've gone to the mirror and seen fucking trails on that shit - I'm 33, I don't need to be in an MSG Dead show bathroom at 2 in the morning.
I know the tough guys among you will say, "ah don't fuck around with that shit - just drink some scotch it'll sort you right out" - but you're full of shit and I'm not betting a horrible sleepless cancer-night on your stupid advice. I'm not gonna obsess for eight hours about Sarah Palin as the leader of the free fucking world after John McCain has a stroke in February '09 all because you think you've got a better way. Besides, if I drink scotch, I'll get into fucking bed, it will feel like I'm on a goddamn rowboat, and then it will be too late to take Ambien because then I really will fucking die.
In closing, let me say that ironically, I am an EXPERT in curing insomnia in other people, using the following trick which I will give you for free:
When your wife or kid says "I can't get to sleep!" simply tell them this:
You can never "get" to sleep. Sleep has to get to you; you can't choose to get to sleep, so never try. It's time to relax baby, it's been a long day - now you've got time to take a rest... just relax. sleep comes to you, not the other way around... don't think about sleep...just take a break, and relax......
Now where's daddy's fuckin ambien
22 comments:
i could not sleep last night (yoga shit like you sleep in the lawn, it's a sunshine day, does not always work). Two tricks against it : you are an old dog, in a old kennel, in an old backyard, and it's raining. I know it's weak.
or, i ask my girl to tell me about her job (attorney). or you fucking walk out of your bed and will sleep better on the next night.
Yes. I've never been worried about being buried alive-- I'm more worried about WHAT IF I GET BETTER?
Sad to here your issues with sleep. I am sure you are going to get lots of unwanted advice on this one, so I'll be the first and say that you should give Valerian root a try, without the scary tripping issues.
Blognigger. I gave the how "I can't sleep because of the election" rap to my NY mom (the Jew) a couple of weeks ago and I was all, "...this election is so important and Obama and Palin wah-wah...."
She was like, "Don't bother lying awake over this election or any other for that matter."
Oh. Yeah. Because it's all artificial and dumb and, at best, a freak show to watch for morbid entertainment purposes and, at worst, a pathetic display of greed and hubris to look down upon.
Slept like my true inner-stoner ever since.
Nothing like your very own mother pointing out that you're being a fucking pussy and to get over yourself and enjoy your shit because elections is just more white noise on the AM radio when you can be fucking and sucking and eating high-fat gourmet foods instead of reading "nutritional information" and panicking over cholesterol and shit.
She was like, "...eight years of Bush and you still seem to be having a pretty great life as far as I can see."
Oh. Where could I have inherited the jaded gene from?
Sleep nigga.
and happy birthday. cheers
Try some Diphenhydramine - marketed in the US as Benadryl. It's one of the earliest used sleeping aids in this country, and it works remarkably well. It's also non-addictive, and can be purchased over-the-counter in most industrialized nations.
I'd recommend starting on a 25 mg dose and seeing where that takes you. 50 mg may leave you feeling cloudy and groggy the next morning and is only recommended for long flights while sitting next to smelly overweight people from the Midwest who want to talk to you about politics and farming.
Niggah pull-EAZE.
You needs to be Tired to sleep. Do some fucking work 'round the house, like force per unit-time, sand and paint the goddam hallway looks like shit from all the stroller handle marks.
800 mg Ibuprofen and some WT 101 proof rye afterwards will tell your aching muscles to shutdafukup - and your brain, too.
- CW
I've had sleep issues too. The guy in the apartment above me stomps around like a fuckin maniac until 3 in the morning. I get stuck in the enraged-sleepless loop when he wakes me up at 1am.
Benadryl helps. Working out during the day helps. But Ambien is the bees' fucking knees. Coincidentally, I need to re-up my script today.
BN, you have a wife. Have some crazy election eve sex, listen to what Ty's momma told you and just go to sleep.
I'll stay awake and do all the fretting for you tonight, I promise.
Shit, If I can't sleep tonight, I'll just read this blognigger post. Seriously man, weak navel gazing sauce for election eve. You could have at least posted a link to some palin porn or something.
disregard all that. i love cocks up my ass and am in a terrible mood this morning.
Stop playin' nigga. Smoke a blunt, eat some burgers and watch cartoons, or play some video games.
shit there's an evil twin ferdydurke imping me. whatevah... Just cuz bn has self-confessed narcissistical tendencies that he daily tries to hold back with a little white artillery barrage of pharmocopeia don't mean that we gotta enable him by saying everything he posts is golden. This is the playoffs, son. We don't need him McNabbing in the fourth quarter while we starved for his chicken fried brand of post racial media mash up . Tomorrow is either gonna be Ragnarok or Juneteenth, fuck sleeping and its Sontagian deconstruction - I want early Blognigger like Annie Hall and Take the Money and Run, not this Stardust Memories shit.
All praise is due to C Haze, I mean my kids-n-dem, no Allah! Phew.
Shucks, just do what Haze says and add to that a glass of Cabernet and some Jazz 88 and your out like a light.
ferdydyke, shut the fuck up already-
It's not that EVERY SINGLE POST is gold, but the nigga is talking about his fuckin life.He does that when he wants to cause it's his blog, dummy.
1) It's the day before the election - why is TODAY so fucking important? It's tomorrow that's a big deal
2) He said he wasn't gonna talk about the election anymore, because last week when all the posts were about the election, your whining ass was all "SHUT THE FUCK up about the election!"
Make up your mind, re-fag.
@furdydurke
i dunno cuz, having 'supplies niggaz' link to pearl harbor fooage is funnier than anything else thats on any other blog today.
heroin works really well.
HOLY fucking SHIT BREAKING NEWS: John McCain just had a fucking STROKE!!
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/11/03/mccain.stroke.election.uncertain
I'm really bored at work so I compiled a list of all the suggestions that have been offered to you so far, BN. You should have no trouble sleeping tonight.
•Yoga shit like you sleep in the lawn, it's a sunshine day
•Ask your girl to tell you about her day
•Fucking walk out of your bed and sleep better on the next night
•Valerian root
•Fucking and sucking and eating high-fat gourmet foods
•Ty’s momma
•Diphenhydramine
•Some fucking work 'round the house, like force per unit-time, sand and paint the goddam hallway looks like shit from all the stroller handle marks
•800 mg Ibuprofen and some WT 101 proof rye
•Benadryl
•Working out during the day
•Ambien is the bees' fucking knees
•Crazy election eve sex
•Read this blognigger post
•Stop playin' nigga
•Smoke a blunt
•Eat some burgers
•Watch cartoons
•Play some video games.
•Fuck sleeping and its Sontagian deconstruction
•A glass of Cabernet
•Some Jazz 88
•Heroin.
I used to be insomniac for at least 4 years. it fucks with your head big time. Here in Poland, we have a recepie: hot milk and honey. people say it works. It didn`t for me. I got some crazy ass pills from the doctors, that are little small thingies, and about a half will put you out for 8-10 h. I started working out and drinking a lot of wine, and it kinda helped...but only after I dealt with the issues that kept me up, so I guess after tomorrow, you should be fine.
Ferdydurke: cool name. Very clever.
Shit, I'm right there with you BN, and I only have vicodin, which I'm not getting into cause the kiddies rip me a new one the next day and I'm still too dazed to care. Kids and scrips don't mix.
I know rationality doesn't help in these instances, and I'm convinced the last one was rigged anyway (touch-screen, no-paper-trail, hackable democracy ATMs? WTF?), so who gives a shit what the polls are saying?
But maybe this latest analysis from 538 will at least help keep you from hyperventilating through most of the day tomorrow...
http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/2008/11/todays-polls-113-pm-edition.html
Ambien is great for insomnia after years of not sleeping. Although I have experienced some mild hallucinations and have gotten up and moved things around in the dark inside my bedroom, while talking to someone I thought was there, but the sleep is worth the risk. I was miserable for to long.
Post a Comment