Et tu, fruitay? Word.
Prince has chosen sides and fired the next salvo in the great blacks vs. homos war of 2008. I know it's disappointing, but remember: "Geniuses" can be assholes. Just look at John McEnroe, Miles Davis, and the guy who invented prozac. Fucking douchecocks.
I'll tell ya though Princeton, being "gay" isn't as simple as it used to be. Now pay attention, cause I'm no scientist, but when it comes to this shit, I'm a muthafuckin SCIENTIST.
As most of you know by now, "gay" is not a binary state as was once believed; Rather, there exists a range of gayness which can be traced thusly, in descending order of testosterone:
- 10 - Being a football player and beating the FUCKING SHIT out of your wife
- 9 - Being a baseball player and making your wife cry via emotional torture, affairs, and cocaine.
- 8 - Being a soccer player and still making your wife have sex with you
- 7 - Being a beer drinker and forcing your wife to let you read the paper on Sunday mornings
- 6 - Loving Hamburgers and only doing the dishes some of the time
- 5 - Loving Chicken Teryaki and enjoying your wife's pinky in your ass
- 4 - Loving Salmon Fillets and having had a guy's dick pop into your head while jerking off
- 3 - Loving Tofu, Friends, and an eye-watering throat-cock
- 2 - Being vegetarian and aching to mount your boyfriend's soft hairy wetspot
- 1 - Being vegan and open to loving and receptive versatility
- 0 - Being a Raw Foods Activist and a gaping, cavernous power-bottom
Pick a card, any card: Find yourself on this range, but DON'T tell me what number it is lest yall niggas fuck up my trick.
Now, there are false negatives to my gaydar system, but NEVER a false positive. That is to say, I'm willing to confess that I'd have missed Rock Hudson (he's a 2) or Raymond Burr (he's a 3), But NEVER would I mistake Clay Aiken or Richard Simmons for anything but shiny, fecund 1's.
Now as for Prince, listen, this ain't rocket science. Look at the nigga:
I'm not even going to reveal Prince's number on the gayscale, but let's just say he ain't headed to Peter Luger's anytime soon.
Now, this is a perfect example of why I hate religion or any other kind of hypnosis. Lookit these muthafuckas... it's not their fault, just like it's not Prince's. No one can stand up to hypnosis. Poor Katie Holmes ass bitches - they're TOAST.
Now for the grand finale and the conclusion to my trick; keep your number in your head... concentrate on it........you're a............ FIVE!!!
Right?!?
Don't ask.
21 comments:
Get the fuck outta here. That was some Jedi mind-trick shit.
Lord high Kinsey, I wish I had something to add to this post-- so I will. How about the ladies, Mister BN? You going to lay a (sliding, very slippery) scale down for them?
Ha! Beautiful. Yes! Way to bring it all together, Blognigger. Again!
Religion = cult, indeed. And today is the 30th anniversary (to the day) of the very world famous Jonestown Peoples Temple of Warren "Jim" Jones mass suicide.
Can you say Kool-Aid, niggas?! Got damn right you can!
909 suicide/murders. Genius art.
And of course everyone is a "5" on the n/homo scale - because not only does like EVERYone love Chicken Teryaki (90% of U.S. population) and pinkies in their asses (82% of U.S. population) BUT the love for Chicken Teryaki AND ass pinkies correlates at 98% (r = .9799). No trick, just a well researched fact of science.
Besides we're all gay and there is no god. It's that simple. Drink your motherfuckin' Kool-Aid for I am your savior, bitches. We are gwiiaaan to heaven.
nothing up MY ass, thank you.
What if I just like spinach burritos more than beef burritos, and prefer the index finger to the pinky? Does that make me a 4.5? Cause I can live with that.
Jesus, why do so many famous people lose their shit when they become famous?
BN, when you become famous what kinds of crazy shit do you think you'll do or say?
And to echo mordicai, what about the ladies? I like kissing girls. Does that mean I like to eat fish?
High profile Democratic sex-scandal perps consistently weigh in at category 9 so their Republican counterparts would have to come in at level 1 for elected officials to, on average, truly reflect their constituencies.
"et tu fruitay" had me rolling! fucking nice one that.
Who the fuck cares about what Prince has to say re: anything relating to the real world?
Does he look like someone who's got a nice firm grip on reality?
Anyone ever seen that Kevin Smith bit where he talks about how Prince hired him to do a documentary on religion?
He's one 8 yr. old ass raping away from being Jack-O man. Wtf is Prince anyway? Is he black? Is he gay? Is he man? Is he woman?
The answer to all of the above: Who gives a fuck. 1988 was 20 years ago man.
i don't care how much of a backwards prick he is, he still made purple rain
I don't give a shit about what the hell Prince says. If it's not on an album, I don't care. From Purple Rain up to Emancipation, Prince has been getting me ass.
From my days of making pause tapes to mix CDs and now play lists, Prince has been helping me set the mood.
Nothing a dude says who once wore ass-out pants on purpose should be taken seriously. He is a great musician who happens to be batshit crazy, and good at getting me laid.
Amen, carolinahaze, Amen.
@asscok 47
you're a fag - i put you at #0. Nice spelling of ghey ya queer.
Now keep that aggression out of bn. I'm tryin to get my mellow on.
Hey, no aggression intended. Just a miscalculated smart-ass remark. Mea culpa.
ha-ha you apologize so you lost. I was the one being a dick, you were fine.
Don't apologize! this is blognigger.com! Balls up!
Prince is so gay he's not. Only the straightest man on earth could do the assless chap, pencil mustache, under a cherry moon thing and still have the gall, nay the audacity to bitch about the gays. Prince, my friends, goes to 11.
praise the lord!!! you are so right on with your rating system. it's like there's an angel from heaven sitting on your shoulder whispering sweet truths N stuff :)
*laughing my ass off once again blognigger...
nohomo
Dr. Blognigger,
The scale must be adjusted according to the nationality of the testee.
In most of Latin America and Russia an American 7 might as well be a 2. Should the same 7 move to Scandinavia, however, he will be a caveman.
It's a question of the women's rights movement and the strength it has in the country.
In Sweden there is an actual Feminist political party. In America the movement is vocal, but nobody listens, and nobody but nobody cares. In Russia, women's rights are limited to one day of the year called "Women's day" when the men burn an omelet for breakfast, buy some roses, and skip the morning shotrace.
The "man" only drinks raw blended vegetables and thinks the only reason we were "put on this earth is to procreate." [paraphrased but sure it was verbatim] After standing on a table, beating his chest and screaming "I'm a man, Lord I'm a man," I whispered into his ear, "Prince darling, if you are indeed a man, you need to stop dressing in custom tailored pants suits and getting your hair and makeup done by Oprah's stylist." This was after having to endure an entire evening in his company, shortly after I had a round of chemo. I did it only because I love my niece and he was throwing a party for her. Really a once in a lifetime opportunity to grab him at the end of the night and lift him in the air and kiss him in the neck. The man does smell good. I invited him to Brooklyn for a BBQ next time he came into town (as he batted his eyelashes at me and coyly wiped my saliva off of his neck). He exclaimed, "You know I'm vegan." I assured him I can BBQ a mean eggplant. I mean, I am half Italian too.
Post a Comment