It started with Obama's acceptance speech in Grant Park: Even as my wife was crying and I was dumbfounded, the ecstatic moment was tainted by the edge-of-my-seat fear that he was about to be assassinated at any second.
Oh god, if it's gonna happen, please at least don't let it happen while he's holding his daughter's hand. Not his brains onto her dress like another Jackie O, please god.
At the end of the speech, as Biden and the Cartesian product of their two families ventured out onto the stage, I found myself relieved, thinking ok whew, it's almost over - that's it - mingle Barak, it makes a direct hit much harder.
Maybe it's just neurosis; I do confess to always obsessively worrying about losing the things I cherish most. However, I hardly think anyone can call this fear irrational. I wasn't alive for JFK, but the parallels seem so astounding - it just seems so obvious to me that to me that some psychopath is going to try to take this guy out - having Obama at our helm and and as the leader of the free world - it just seems like a dream, too good to be real - when is someone going to try to steal him from us??
Ok, so I was tripping like this over the weekend, and I got to the point of asking myself whether there was anything I, WE could do to stop it? Holy shit, maybe there is:
Here's my idea, and I'm bringing this up to all of you wise-asses so that when I do it, you can't say whatthefuck idiot you coulda shoulda changethatshit u crazy??
Here's the plan: Now, you KNOW the would-be assassins are out there right now scheming - not just so-called white supremacists, but the Timothy McVeigh Separatists, the Mark David Chapman hearin-voices-ass muthackas, the Virginia Tech my shit is bored and untalented and I just want to get a new high-score and be the most famous person in the world bitches - and of course our media is waiting in the wings with BIG FAT HEADLINES to instantly reward these assholes with their publicity dreams like some team of retarded selfish fairy godmothers.
As a prelude, let me warn you that I believe that one of the greatest things the Israelis ever did was to start bulldozing the homes of any suicide bomber they could still identify by his dental records. I just thought it was so brilliant and innovative - the idea that yeah these scumbags didn't care about their own lives, but knowing that their families would be homeless might certainly serve as some kind of deterrent.
(Now of course, organizations like Hamas (democracy sucks sometimes) immediately ended up taking up the causes of the deceased bombers, bestowing riches on their celebrity families that would dwarf the values of their bulldozed mud huts; therefore it was not a controlled experiment, and very difficult to measure the net effectiveness of the Israeli campaign.)
So here's my plan:
Create a perfect website that looks real as fuck: The name is something to the effect of BeforeYouAssassinateObama.com.
The site will contain an open letter to all of the aforementioned psychopaths, stating that we understand that they're out there, we understand their plans, and even understand their potential psychopathic temptations for wanting to undertake the task. However, before they set forth, there's something they need to understand:
We are a paramilitary organization who, in the case of Obama's assassination, have sworn to track down and kill the entire extended families of the assassin.
The part I can guarantee is that I can make sure the website gets several million hits, and that the right people see it. As you might guess however, I would not personally be available for the actual tracking-down-and-murdering portion of the task - I tend to get sick when I see rare hamburger, and the sight of actual human blood causes me to faint rather sharply.
My first question to you is: does that matter? Isn't it okay if it's just one big empty threat? I mean, if they get him they get him, and then there's no point in doing anything anyway. The whole point is that it's a deterrent, duh. Plus why should innocent people suffer because of their psychotic 2nd cousins? With the palestinians it's different, the "collateral damage" is a horrible, necessary evil because you need other terrorists to be dissuaded. In this case though, it'd just be game over.
So, questions:
- Would it work?
- Is the site legal, and why not ;) ?
- Is it morally sound? (even though you disagree with my Israeli stance)
- Can you think of anything to improve the plan?
- Do you think I'm overreacting and that the secret service can do the job on their own?
Answer carefully, cause if you say I'm overreacting or to "just chill," and we don't build the site, and then they get Obama, the shit is gonna be on your New-Yorker reading Palestinian-loving shoulders.
[update: Alright, alright - my wife refuses to let me do anything of the sort. What if Einstein's wife had a problem with relativity?? Jesus Christ. Oh well - if it would WORK, can't someone else do it? (I think I know just the guy I'm gonna suggest this to, so please still give me feedback on the plan's effectiveness / legality)
Hey, can we propose it to the secret service themselves? This is perfect for their first rouge operation under the new world order. Honey, is it okay if I build the site if the CIA THEMSELVES are asking me to??? Fine: can I at least watch the Giant game?]
23 comments:
A, crowdsourcing is smart. B, the sort of thing you are talking about really only works if there is a systematized group out after Obama; one nut-job? Doesn't care. C, people are punks, nobody will pull the trigger on John Wayne Gacey's six year old daughter. D, until you do it once, nobody will believe you. It only STARTS working after the thing has gone down. No good.
Well it might not be as easy as all that. Look at Lee Oswald: his children still live under secret names. Plus it is a little unfair to swear to murder the children of a murderer--we're going a little bit beyond lex talionis here...back to the waterhole scene in 2001.
Besides, if someone did assassinate BHO, think of all the amazing tshirts and posters that Harlem artists could spend the rest of their lives producing...Obama being greeted by Martin in heaven...Obama's and Martin's profiles flanking a setting sun...Obama Rising...etc etc.
Remember buddy...worrying is praying for something you don't want. Why don't use focus your energies on something important...like praying that Wall Street bonuses not dip be cut by more than 10 percent...that would be a REAL national tragedy.
Oh shit!
This is so heavy and fascinating and seriously important (only because it's in the back of EVERYbody's mind): Is BHO safe? That will be our New National Obsession.
Let's ponder our Secret Service though. Can you imagine the measures taken to ensure the safety of BHO and kin?
I bet--as far as gear--it's all Batman meets Star Wars in terms of fucked-up technologies that we didn't know existed.
I bet--as far as measures--it's all weird Victorian tradition meets weird asylum-level OCD. I hear there's even measures to ensure that presidential DNA doesn't get into the wrong hands (no, not like Clinton's nasty bubba-spew leaving puddles around DC, but like used glasses and utensils and such).
The SS has it handled, kid. Dudes are solid. Bush I & II survived nearly 25 years of a whole lot of pissed-off wannabe martyrs who wanted to be on posters and fuck virgins. You don't think Saddam was fucking PISSED?! Fuck Bin Laden. Saddam had shit to lose.
If anything happens to BHO it will be because he didn't wear a dress when he kissed Lord Cheney's ring.
What Obama should start doing is bulldozing six of McCain's houses for selling his soul on the trail (Obama could go all Mike Dukakis and drive the dozer and shit). No, that's just mean, what was I thinking? What we need to bulldoze is my neighbors houses who want me to fucking go Christmas caroling. WTF?
We should bulldoze Prop h8. Even Arnold says that shit is retarded.
fuck these cuntlickers.
i say it's genius and i say do it. there is no possible downside and it would be cool as well.
it won't work because psycopaths by their nature won't care if their families are killed. jihadists on the other hand, were presumed by Shein Beit etc. to care if their families lost their homes. this presumption was equally wrong as those newly homeless families also joined the rank of "martyrs" and were lauded by Hamas.
in other words - as brilliant as the basic concept is here - deterrence, it won't work if the deterrence is focused on their extended family. It needs to be more group specific. If you really wanted to deter them you would need sites to aim at each group:
(1) for the VA Tech types - you would have to prove their would NOT be famous if they pulled it off (how? - i dunno)
(2) for the white supremacists you would show them that Obama being alive is actually GOOD for them (generates recruitment, gives life to their oppressed white minority idea etc. - kind of like how they claim Al Queda would havfe preferred McCain). this you could do - hell i could write this one.
(3) Crazies - Mark David Chapmans.. No solution. Rely on Secret Service.
(4) Al Queda and other militant jihadists. Pose as a militant website, assume their salafist rhetoric and make some kind of argument that Obama is actually good for the movement alive.
(5) "the Powers That Be" / Illuminati - Trilateral Commission etc. - this is the real threat. just pray that Obama doesn't take this "tax the rich" thing too far. this is the only group that could actually pull this off absent perhaps a determined jihadist.
I wouldn't be surprised to hear more plots weren't broken up than have already been made public, but you know, you have to trust a secret service that can cover your ass as well as this one has already. Campaigning is a lot of stop and go, crowds, different places, nutjobs, changing schedules, and our secret service has already done a great job that ought to get a little easier when Obama is actually president.
I like the idea of the site just as a back up, and I suggest adding the verbiage "I will drink beer out of the dead skulls of president assasinators and their families, shots out of the baby skulls." Y'know, contributing to the creative development of the site. You don't need to thank me; I'm just a good American.
here's a simpler solution:
http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2008/11/OBAMA%20HAMSTER%20BALL.jpg
great comments tommy...
and i know how to deter the mark david chapman types, and this really is practical:
make law enforcement and media outlets swear publicly, NOW, that they will never release an assassin's name. ITS ABOUT TIME.
What makes you think that the CIA wouldn't be in on it? Lee Harvey Oswald anybody?
SS is not CIA is not FBI. Those org's don't tend to cooperate with each other very well. SS is really about prez and VP protection and counterfeiting. They don't really investigate terrorists or infiltrate orgs. FBI takes care of domestic terrorism. CIA - who knows what those guys are actually up to?
If you were to start something like this then you would definitely get a file with your name on it, not to mention a lot more big brotherly attention than you might want. It's your choice about what kind of exposure you want to bring to yourself.
You could take a zen approach and understand that everything happens for a reason and if it is his time to go then it is for a good reason. But that takes a lot of faith and acceptance (what am I from Boulder or something?).
@owg
-5 incomprehensible
by your logic, why vote?! if it was meant to happen it will just happen.
Now dezenuts, I didn't say I subscribe to that belief. I spent the night before election night in an anxiety-ridden, sleepless state.
I'm not a proponent of not taking responsibility. I think everything that can be done should be done, and I hope it will. But there are forces beyond our control and that we don't know a lot about that you can't predict. And you'll make yourself crazy if you try to account for all of those forces. Setting up a Web site to deter them is unlikely to stop whatever it is that people will do. If someone wants to do really bad things, they will find a way. Call me a fatalist (I prefer the term pragmatist) but I think it's human nature. At some level it has nothing to do with complacency.
Just my 2 cents.
"make law enforcement and media outlets swear publicly, NOW, that they will never release an assassin's name. ITS ABOUT TIME."
by donkey kicks is such a good idea that frankly we should start putting it out there - like on current tv or on CNN i-reporting. its brilliant.
@tommy
alright, alright, let me admit that it wasn't my idea - benjamin suggested it on a thread with bn this morning. still brilliant as shit tho. maybe THATS the site to make!
np donkey kongs, it wasn't my idea either... i read it on someone else's interents myself...
If we really want to keep Obama safe, I think we need to come together as a country and get Biden fired. Hear me out... For the last 8 years, its mystified me that no one has tried to take a shot at George W. Bush, the shittiest president ever. The only reason I could come up with for all this lack of trying is that the only thing scarier than a Bush presidency, would be a Cheney presidency. So, I think we need to lobby to have Biden fired, and get Al Sharpton hired as our new Vice President. No one would even think of killing Obama then.
I say we follow the Israeli's lead and destroy the houses of Palestinians if Obama is ever assassinated.
BeforeYouAssassinateObama.com must include this link
I know you said the one reaction that you didn't want to see was "Just chill out," but like, just chill out. No one hates black people enough to kill themselves over it.
The muslims do it for Jesus. People hate black people for their own sakes, not god's.
The essential problem with the strategy is this: for every one white supremacist redneck cracker asshole who might actually be deterred by thoughts for his family, you would be inviting a dozen otherwise self-contained psychos who would love to off their entire families but fear they would get caught before getting through the aunts to wack the president-- like, "Man, all I need is one clear shot and then I get a team of murderous niggers to do the heavy lifting for me."
As for the chilling out, it's not going to happen. Every time I talk about an Obama presidency, I knock on wood. I would say it's going to be a long four years, but I don't want to jinx him.
I try to comfort myself with the following rationalizations:
1) the secret service is a lot better at its job than it was 45 years ago. A whole lot better.
2) There's no way Oswald could have pulled that shit off without some serious black ops backup. Hell, even white supremacist redneck cracker asshole James Earl Ray was apprehended in Europe carrying a fat bankroll and a buncha false passports. The only folks gunning for Obama are going to be white supremacist redneck cracker assholes whose only backup is their white supremacist redneck cracker asshole first cousins/girlfriends.
But yeah, it's some scary fucking shit when you think about what might happen in this country if one of those white supremacist redneck cracker assholes gets lucky.
OK I will wager anyone who wants it 300$ (which is a lot to me) that no one murks Obama out before he is done being el Presidente.
Who wants it. Seriously. You all wish that:
a) Obama's policies would be far enough removed from What The Man Wants to warrant a Final Folding; and
b) The best way The Man (and his internet fagnazis) can go about it is killing him.
Dudes, you would not be having this conversation if the President elect were white. And although the world isn't colorblind, the Man only sees green and not green. Which is kinda monochromatic in its own 80s computer way.
I will poo all over their extended family. And it will be nasty.
Saw BHO in Columbus, Ohio on Sunday 11/2 - two days before he was ELECTED PREZNIT (WTFBBQ!).
Most of the crowd was, like myself, playing amateur secret service and scanning the rooflines every thirty god damn seconds. It was like the wave. One person near the front would turn and look, then I'd turn and look, then 10,000 people behind me would turn and look. We were one big happy bugshit paranoid family out there on the statehouse lawn.
It was great seeing him in person but god DAMN I was jumpy. I kept having flashes of "Good morning, Ohio, it's great to {RED HAZE}
I believe that the government has already infiltrated supremacist organizations in order to thwart any plots. My biggest fear, though, is that some fundamentalist christians believe BHO is the anti-christ. I hope that the gov. has not/ does not neglect that particular demographic when they decide where to plant agents.
I would totally be willing to serve my country in that covert capacity except I fear I wouldn't be convincing as I do not look inbred. Remember awhile back when the CIA was recruiting in the Daily News and the Post and they were looking for smart,athletic people that spoke Korean, Arabic, or Chinese? Now, for those recruited to keep the domestic nut-jobs in check, they'll still seek the smarts but they need not know another language or be fit. In fact, a belly will be preferable as will other physical features such as close-set eyes and a sloped forehead.
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