You know, this time of year always makes me feel bad.
Not for all the reasons they tell you in temple, like you were shitty and rude to your parents and intolerant of other blacks and started hate sites and got handjobs from white chicks and jacked off to 18pr0ns and said nigger and looked down bitches' shirts on the train and kept reminding people about the google ads which they've already abandoned and put your kids in front of the TV to write blognigger and shit...
Not cause everyone stares at you in Rosh Hashannah services as the celebrity BLACK JEW...She married for love - a shfatza, isn't it wonderful? He speaks so well! I wonder when her father died?
But really because you're now much closer to being a Scientologist than you would like.
We are (i.e. my mother-in-law is) laying out ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS for my family to go to Yom Kippur services in a couple of weeks. The hypocrisy of this kills me - it's important to my wife for the kids to be brought up with a jewish upbringing, but - it's A FUCKING RACKET.
Do you have any idea what an extra THOUSAND dollars would do for us right now? I made 65 cents from google ads yesterday.
Seriously, I find it extremely distasteful. Say whatever you want about Christianity; sure it threatened and tortured half the world's population, sure its priests take young hairless Ralphie into the confessional to play Whose is Mushier - but it was FREE.
So talk about the irony of this credit crisis - my mother-in-law doesn't have any money either, so she is paying for high holiday services on a credit card.
So, let's break this down - My jewish mother-in-law is borrowing money from the jews to pay the jews for jewish services, deepening the credit crisis and resulting in layoffs for thousands of goyim.
How could they charge so much? What chutzpah! Why is no one up in arms?
My best friend turned me on to the injustice of this whole racket - his idea was to sit in front of the temple on Garfield with a "Spare some G-d" sign, telling people about how he can't afford services, filming it, and putting it on youtube.
Fucking awesome idea - too bad he's a lazy potfag and won't actually do shit but sit around listening to Terrapin Station with his bong all night being all "know what would be dope? blognigger, know what you should've told that guy? blognigger, know what you fucked up on today?" etc.
A thousand bucks. Jesus. Apparently there's literally a tiered pricing structure so that the people who spend more can sit closer to god. Why doesn't anyone bitch about this? It's the HIGHEST holiday in the Jewish religion - and they shut people out who can't afford it?! Leaves a horrible horrible feeling with me, and is in all seriousness killing the rest of what I've found to be a very welcoming, sensible religion. (Relatively speaking.)
I guess I shouldn't get too attached - apparently at the upper-upper-upper levels you find out it's all about aliens anyway.
31 comments:
A while back a dude got real pissed and tore up temple and shit. So you know what they did? Crucified the fucker.
Wait, a) did you just invent 18pr0ns? If not, your ability to coin a phrase continues to shine.
b) Christianity is supposed to cost you 10% right? The tithe? Which is more than fucking sales tax! & isn't counting pancake fundraisers or whatever the hell else churches have. (I have weird memories of church maybe? Pancake fundraiser?)
c) Do you go up on 8th & Union or Garfield or where that temple is? I have never been inside, but I walk past it & wonder if it is nice. For 1000 bones it better be.
d) WOAH I want to know if the dudes on the street corner ever blow the shofar for you. You need to start going up to them & telling them to let the trumpets sound! You're in the covenant, lets party!
e) for the record, I am not a chosen person.
f) So, how is this money charged? I don't have any real practical understanding. Do they sell tickets? What?
Joke my doorman used to tell in a conspiratorial whisper this time of year (circa mid-70s):
Q: Why do blacks like to work for jews?
A: Because they blow their shofars.
I'm sure this isn't the first time you've noticed hypocracy in religion.
You see how much real estate the catholic church has up in this city? If a muslim can actually afford to get all the way the fuck to Mecca for Hajj, they get the wonderful right to get trampled to death (and where the fuck do they put all their shoes...anyone?)
Dude, you should be happy they're letting your nigga ass in no matter what jew bitch snatch you tappin. You gotta pay for the right to be preached to a jew dyke from Sheephead Bay whose getting ass handled by her mohawked asian lesbain life partner who didn't have to pay jew dick to sit in the front row.
Can we open the floor to best priest/alterboy jokes. Kudos to those who smear multiple religions (ie...fuck em outta what?).
fucke me! Black Hagrid sighting, F train, chambers 8:54
he was cleaned up and showered!! please tell me someone saw?!
@rory
why are there no muslims on battlestar galacticca?
...it takes place in the future
Holy what!
I have been on this earth for ... well a long time let's say ...and I had no IDEA of this. Granted I grew up in New Orleans where there are very few Jews (if any, I don't know). Still, I went to Washington University (no, in Saint Louis, dumbass) which had many of the chosen as students at the time. Then I lived in New York and worked in the music business, son.
So, I have interacted with some Jewish people. I have had some crazy sex with some Jewish people. I have spent years day in and day out with some Jewish people. I have had some nasty fights with some Jewish people. I have had many uncomfortable “meet the parents” scenes with some Jewish people (I am , or was in my 20s, the sexy goy girl from hell – think Scarlett Johansson in 80’s punk rocker drag). ~ and nobody EVER has told me this thing about paying to go to temple, NEVER!
Damn, this information would have been useful to mix-up some shit in days gone past, very useful.
I too would like to know, what do they do; sell tickets? What?
I don't know any, so I'll just make some shit up. Let's see...
OK, what does mercy in God's works have in common with subtlety in Toni Morrison's works? Absence.
Ironically, the Google Ad at the top of the page says "FREE HIGH HOLY DAY SERVICES."
I clicked through to (a) see what it was all about and (b) donate $0.0000001 to the site, and it says:
FREE* SERVICES
So I'm like WHAT THE... an ASTERISK?
Turns out it's free for students and military personnel (?!). Others are asked to "donate within their means."
I guess that cuts either way. It's "Oh that's nice these friendly reform Jews are breaking the pay-to-pray cycle." Or it's "Typical! Bait-and-switch from those greedy bastiges that shit ain't FREE." Pick your poison.
quit kvetching
Oi vayzmere, BN.
You think all those bagels are Donated?Fermoishesake!! Go to the Catolicos iglesia and see if any of the Black Label wearing IBers make change in the collection plate.
Paying once a year beats getting double-tapped every blessed Sunday - "and a Special Collection will be made for the legal defense fund for Fr. Kunting."
-CW
for a thousand dollars my dick better end up in someone's mouth.
@Mordicai,
Yeah we Christians tithe 10% but then you have 5 offerings during service:
The building fund
The Children's Ministry fund
The Prison Ministry fund
The Singles Ministry fund
The Senior's who can't get to chuch fund.
Now I am not mad cause I love the Lord, but Sheesh.
Thanks for letting me vent.
$1000 is steep but it's to pay for translating "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion" into Lolcat speech to reach today's youth. "O Hai, I kan haz kuntroll uv korpratz meedya?"
I can understand why it's so important to blogbitch to raise the kids yid.
I remember the loving guidance some Jewveau Riche Blackglama cad mama gave her l'il pisher in front of me one time at a deli near the Met. She let the pre-k kid pay the swarthy guy behind the counter for whatever overpriced shit they were grabbing. I was in line behind them.
"Now what do we do?" Says Rachel/Jennifer/Lisa mom to the kid. Me and Anwar Sadat's cousin are smiling down at the kid expecting a "thank you, kind sir" type of thing.
Kid looks up at mink mom and says an obviously oft-repeated line "I count my change."
Tradition. Tradition.
$1000, that's downright um jewey. It's been a while but i don't recall being required to give money last time I went to Jesus' house. So please correct me, are you wrestled to the ground by hunched over men in dirty greasy coats with long curling greedy fingers and hooked pointed noses who then painlessly and swiftly rifle your billfold, you feeling nothing more than a small breeze near your breast pocket? Only to arise $1000 lighter?
Or is it that if you don't pony up the cackling Jewish overmom whispers behind your back more than they already do?
Please advise, I don't want to start my pogrom without ALL the facts.
$1000? um, no, i can sit in the back of the bus. i don't need to be *that* close to g-d.
but, you know, it could be a double edged sword. i mean, your wife could be syrian -- i'm guessing she's not unless your grandparents were jewish and you're not telling anyone or your m-i-l is paying for you to do reform on the sly -- syrians are some messed up mizrahim, that's for sure.
Listen baby go to the local Chabad service. It's FREE. I just got back from the one in Washington Heights and out of maybe twenty men there were THREE blacks there--and they got aliyahs and everything. Nobody cared.
Everybody wearing whatever...nobody showing off except how well they know the prayers...just sit there and chill out...no stained glass or shit...no inclusive prayerbooks...no sermons about Israel...just straight full-on Judaism...plus you can go in and out and nobody cares.
Of course they will make your wife sit behind a wall...but that's where they belong anyway yo...keep the chemicals away while you focus on G-d.
Don't get suckered in by these nouveau "temples." You need to find the local Chabad shtibl. Tell your ho that this is the real shit and save a grand.
Cost me NOTHING yo!
If you were an actual jew, your wife probably wouldn't give a shit about going to temple. Two of my jewish brothers married goys and now they get dragged to church to pour water on their baby's heads and all sorts of other dumb crap i have to buy gifts for.
Man I'm telling you the Hasids maybe have some fucked up ideas and they don't make great interviewees in the real world, but they understand the fucken reason for the season.
Everytime I go to some Reform or Conservative place I have to throw up for weeks after...bitches in their finery...all that bullshit and social pressure...assholes pretending they give a shit...some unctuous rabbi driving a Benz...
I dressed my kids in some cheap but nice modest clothes, went to the shul, sent them to the women's area and forgot about 'em. The rabbi's wife gave them Moshiach comic books and snacks, and they played with some other kids. We stayed for maybe three hours and took off. The rest of the crew was in for the whole thing, but they are mellow about it.
No sweat, no tickets, no bullshit. And the kids got a taste of the real thing--not some churchified crap means nothing to anyone.
And like I said there were some black fuckers there too. Check it out man...it's an experience.
I'm with Seth on this one. Chabad people have a different take on the whole cult aspect of religion (they deify a man, not just a holy spirit) but they do it with love, happiness, and flowing 'mashka' (it's either yiddish or russian, and means vodka). Plus, if you are in Park Slope then you're close to the Chabad mecca in Crown Heights, and they never ask you for a dime.
apologies, i can't stop...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMQgHBLLLUs
-skinz
@ Seth and Alex...what about the smell?
Hold up (pun intended). A thousand dollars!? Your kids Bubbeh is forking over a thousand dollars so you guys can be closer to your imaginary friend? I don't mean to offend any believers out there...who am I kidding of course I mean to. Anyway, the religion thing is a racket that has gone on for too many centuries. A thousand dollars? No matter what the religion is, somebody has always got their hands out waiting for their cut. My wife wants our kid to have some sort of spiritual background but I'm a bitter ex-Catholic who wants no part of the sham. Like George Carlin said, we're better off praying to Joe Pesci. Same success rate.
BN:
Since you ID'ed the temple - I can tell you that your mother in law did not even ask about other services or getting tickets for less.
I have been going there for 3+ years, and have only been paying a donation at my discretion for my tickets. No details, but it was a lot less than 1K.
However, I am a member now, and that costs more than 1k for the whole family - but I pay that for good reasons. The temple does good work helping the entire Brooklyn community and also needs the money to fix up the building. The new rabbis are decent people and occasionally say something interesting. Also, they have family services and baby services earlier in the day which do not require tickets. Yea, its 98% white congregation, but most everyone is from Park Slope, so your presence is helping out with everyone's liberal guilt. If you said hello to a few people, I'm guessing that if you did, that they would be too nice to you rather than clutching their purse and looking around for a guard.
And, your comment ignores the use of a collection plate in church. Jews don't flaunt their money in front of the community or show up their buddies by slapping some fat wad on the plate for all to see. We keep our money to ourselves and don't want anyone to know how much we really have. Moreover, Jews don't have a piles of gold lying around - the Vatican stole it all eons ago.
Bottom line is that your mother in law paid full retail when she could have probably negotiated a better deal.
I was with you on your HassidGate comments, but I think you need to do some more homework on this group before calling them out like this.
Perhaps a post-temple blog entry would be a fair solution.
See you there BN! Good Yom Tov.
knickerbocker:
a) I didn't ID the temple. I said my best friend wanted to sit in front of Garfield and film his gay ass movie. I won't ID the temple, but I will tell you it ain't that one - I would never dream of being able to afford a membership at THAT piece a prime fuckin center slope pie.
b) I don't have to do more homework on jack shit: most temples charge jews lotsa money and wont let 'em into services if they don't pay. I think that's fucked up.
I know there's free alternatives, I don't care. Linux is free but Windows Vista STILL costs too much.
so you won't see me there but good yom tov to you too my man.
Once again blognigger ain't lyin.
For those of you who don't know like Anna Zed, yes they sell tickets.
Here's the price list for a moderately priced temple on 8th ave in Park Slope:
- Click here for Price List -
It's $360 PER PERSON to attend the holiest you-have-to-attend-them services if you're not a member ($250 if you ARE a member, and membership costs a grand the first year and MORE to renew (polish discount??))
Gimme a fucking break.
I was able to hear the shofar this afternoon. For free.
and your friend's film? It's been done
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1Y50hMT8ss
Jesus Jewwy Janet, if you think that's the film BN's friend was going to make, you need to watch more youtube and spend less time blowing your cheuffar
OK, one was a Michael Moore style documentary, the other a comedy, but the point was the same.
Luckily, attendance at shul isn't what makes you a "good Jew".
CRUD. I am glad I get my imagination worked out on DnD & don't have to spend it on GoD.
I am not Jewish nor do I live in NYC, but your post reminded of a situation earlier this year when my 90 year old aunt went to the hospital in Florida, thinking she was about to die (she called a cab because she thinks an ambulance is just wasteful). She was pleasantly surprised when her new young Methodist minister came to visit her. I chuckled because she is a tither and if anything happens to her, the church's budget will need to be adjusted. Until he showed up she was sure this man didn't even know her name.
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