Katisha Goldstein

As if Park Slope Parents™ didn't name their kids gayly enough; as if we weren't already raising a neighborhood's worth of kids with names so fucking pretentious it would make Philip Glass renounce it all and decide to cut an album of Skynyrd covers: Now these same parents have decided they've got the balls to get niggerish.

We were having a jDate Sunday morning – had our friends over for bagels and lox and shit – and when it was time for them to get the fuck out and let me watch my tivo'ed-ass mcLaughlin Group, our kids all started bitching that they didn't want to stop playing together.

So of course my wife and I are all, "You're welcome to stay!" [Get the fuck out immediately]

"Honey," said the milf to her eldest kid, "we can't stay baby doll – Tyler has a playdate with Rakim"

Just to get my 3-second rush in, I asked her: "Wow - you guys know another black family?"

The milf giggled while my wife shook her head and gave them that fake-ass "look what I'm married to" plausible deniability shrug.

"No," laughed the milf, "Actually we don't! Rakim is white - his family is from Boulder."

"Get the F outta here," I said politely.

"No, they really are!"

"What exactly..."

"I guess they just like the name!!" my wife cuts in, shaking her head like I'M the fuckin crazy one.

Later on though, my wife and I kept talking about it, since she obviously knew what the fuck I was talking about but just wanted to walk the PC line in front of the Joneses.

She goes "Oh, you should see- there's a jewish kid named Diego – and oh a white girl who spent the whole summer in the Hamptons - named Katisha!!"

Listen, this has gotta stop. That shit is wack enough when black africans do it: Lakisha, Laqueetha, Shalique, (not to mention the oldschoolers Tyrone Shoelace, Karim Ofwheat, Duane (cant) Reade, etc) – What better way to separate yourself from mainstream America and attach your kid to a stigma that makes it one step more difficult for them to succeed? Ignorant-ass faggots.

I'm not 3 generations away from dark black bluegummer stock, and I would never dare give my kids names that niggerish; Why the fuck white people would do it is beyond me.

There's been way more than enough smug fuckin analysis of retarded park slope moms dressing their kids in Repo Man shirts and shit: I agree that that hipster shit is retarded, but at least in those cases the kid is unaware that they're being manipulated and used. At least in those cases, the kid can turn 12 and watch the video and say "mom, what the fuck was that wannabe mod bullshit yall niggas had me dressed in? Yall were some insecure-ass posin' muthafuckas huh– The fuck was wrong with you? What year did dad leave again?"

...but in these cases, the kid has to live with that shit, potentially forever! It's not a t-shirt, it's a legal fuckin name!

Imagine going through high school as a white kid with those black-ass names? Imagine tryin to explain that shit to either the white kids or the black kids? Nigga's gonna be monkey-in-the-middle and have no friends and end up shootin up the damn school again. God damn liberals are stupid.

And the worst case scenario – imagine the kid goes to the joint with that fuckin name? Little 18-year-old cute rich white blonde Rakim goes to the muthafuckin JOINT??

A yo your name Rakim? Like Eric B an shit? Oh word? (aside: dasfuckd up that nigga blonde yo!) Whatchoo got some black in you? Yo you want to have some more black in you?! (high fiving other gang-rapers) nigga's about to have some MORE black up in him knowhamsayin! yeah son UNGH!!

See?? Way to consider the consequences of your myopic-ass politically correct decisions. Nice work whitey: you just got the kids ass-raped by niggers.