Williamsburg Resident Would Still Bang Christina Applegate After Double Mastectomy

WILLIAMSBURG, Brooklyn (BNN) - Local resident Gary Bernbaum, a video store clerk at Kim's Video on Bleeker, today announced that he would still be eager to bang Christina Applegate despite her recent bilateral mastectomy.

The announcement took place as a Kim's Video customer purchased the Married With Children Season 1 Box Set as an ironic gift for the host of a Saturday night loft party in DUMBO.

"Man, I don't care if she has her vagina filled in with cement," remarked Bernbaum as he rang up the customer's merchandise, "I would throw a hurtin on Kelly Bundy in a milisecond."

Bernbaum's customer, who requested that his name be withheld, reacted with surprise, and inquired as to whether Bernbaum had ever actually witnessed the results of a bilateral mastectomy.

"It's irrelevant," Bernbaum explained, "my attraction to her has transcended the realm of the physical. I'm oldschool: growing up in a time before the internet, all I had was Robin Byrd, Midnight Blue, and Christina Applegate on Fox. I probably jacked off to Kelly Bundy over 500 times – cumulatively speaking, she's easily my #1 of all time. "

Bernbaum proceeded to elaborate, outlining his belief that the most powerful orgasms come not from a sexual partner's physical appearance, but primarily from the erotic tension built up before a relationship becomes intimate. Bernbaum's customer dismissed the notion, replying that Bernbaum's theory "sounded like some shit a chick would say."

"Whatever," Bernbaum shrugged to reporters after the incident, "I obviously don't care what he or anyone else thinks. I would tax that shit now more than ever. She deserves it; and I wouldn't avoid the breastal area either! I wouldn't make her leave the stuffed bra on or nothin' – I'd be lickin those nipple stumps, homeboy. After all she's done for me? I want her to feel like she's beautiful."

Ms. Applegate's office declined to comment.