Gotta admit the guy has some set 'a matzaballs.

So check this out – I'm in the elevator on Friday, heading back up to work after lunch, and there's this young chassidic guy who steps into the elevator with me. Homeboy's enormous: must be 6 foot 5 and he's shaped like a bottle of Manischewitz. Real young looking, doesn't even have the hardcore sideburns yet – more like just a bunch of pubic hair chillin on his face. He obviously doesn't even glance my way, as is customary for the chassids.

Like I've said before, I'm used to having white people kiss my ass everywhere I go, but chassidic jews are the absolute exception. I've always assumed that they all just dislike the shfatzas, but my best friend tells me that no, that's just how they roll with everyone who isn't them. He says that they generally act like they're the only people on the planet, just behaving like complete assholes to everyone who isn't wearing the getup.

So I'm in the elevator checking my hatemail on the ol' gPhone, and I don't really stop to consider the chassid at all because I'm used to seeing them in the building: There's like a tailor shop or somesuch on the 5th floor, so dem niggas is always going up and down in our elevator. (there's literally a tailor shop - it's a specialty place for their suits and whatnot – I'm not just saying it all racialist like "oh there's a bank in our building," or "oh there's a herring monger in our building," or "oh there's an undercover hollywood-control-facility in our building," etc)

Imagine my surprise though, when the guy goes past 5, and then gets off at my floor! Oh snap, I thought: Wonder what this nigga's up to.

So we walk together past the reception desk, and lo, there's our Engineering HR Director apparently waiting for the chassid! She's all bubby and shit, as usual, like they all are: just strippers paid to woo engineers and big-up our health benefits.

She reaches out her hand and gushes to him, "Hello Moishe, Lisa Steinberg, it's great to meet you!!" You can tell she's being extra sacchariney sweet to overcompensate for the fact that he's a chassid. She wishes she could say "Ohmygod, just so you know, I TOTALLY love you because I have NOTHING against inbred goliaths who dress like they're in 18th century Lithuania. In fact, it totally works for you, just like, stylistically, and I also totally admire your steadfastness and aversion to bathing."

But wait...

Something isn't right; Her hand is outstretched, orphaned for just a moment too long. Within a few more miliseconds, it becomes clear that he isn't going to shake her hand. Holy. Fuckin... I grab the popcorn, and kick back to watch the trainwreck.

He puts up his hands in apology - "Aye...am soggrry." he says, shaking his head but not really apologizing, "I cannot uh...."

But she ain't givin up shit; keeps her hand outstretched, and is not lettin the nigga get out of it without a FULL explanation. It's quite remarkable what is occurring: her inner, reptilian brain has involuntarily prioritized being a PROUD HUMAN AMERICAN FEMALE before her outer, cerebral-cortex desire to be a politically-correct retard. Go Lisa Steinberg!

"Uhhhh," he continues... "We cannot, uh - I don't shake hands with a woman for my religion I am sorry."



YEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH BOYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

The blood is completely drained from her face.

"Oh, ok, I understand Moishe, come this way please and have a seat while blahblahblah," they trail off to go fill out forms and shit.

I think I remember swallowing for the first time right then. I can't fuckin WAIT to go tell everyone. That shit is fucked UP!!!!

So finally, when "Lisa Steinberg" is done, I go and bombard her office.

"What the FUCK is up with that shit!!!?," I tease her, "Oh no he di-int!"

She's shaking her head: "I mean, I just.... ," she stammers, all psyched that I was a witness.

"You can't hire a muthafucka like that, right? I mean... "

She looks up at me: "I really hope he sucks."

He sucked. I met with him, and he totally blew. Thank god. But the point is this: How you gonna go, into the modern American world, hooking up that 18th century shit?

Listen, I'm all for religious freedom in an abstract sense, but niggas GOTTA be prepared to pay the price. You can't not be willing to shake hands with women and be in business if you're not in Kandahar; how we gonna send his ass out to a client?? Yall know I fuck around and post videos of Sean Connery tearin' it up and shit, but come now; Won't shake a woman's hand??? Man, I don't give a FUCK what your religion says, that shit cannot even ALMOST hang in 1988 nyc... And it's 2008, son!!

Consider his offering, if you will, from a branding perspective: who the FUCK wants the same shock / confusion / distaste that Lisa and I felt to be a part of their customers' experience?

INTRODUCTIONS

Hello, we're the team you're paying millions of dollars to hire. We're excited to be providing bleeding edge technical solutions for your enterprise, and are delighted to be working with you, 'cept for the nigga we keep in the corner who look like frankenstein and can't touch your hand cause you might be on your peroid or just a dirty cocksucking whore. Now where all the money at?

That religious tolerance shit is ROUGH, jack; Some short-haired white females want you to be tolerant of everything. I'm just dying to go up to their little booth where they chill next to the adopt-a-dog shit out front of John Jay on 7th and be like...

Religious Tolerance in the house!!!! Respect! (act all Black and shit so they have to listen to me and nod, respectfully receiving my empowering blackSupport) You guys are really doing the lord's work here, I tell ya... I mean, look at Pakistan - the country has been oppressed by the Bush regime for the last 7 years. So they believe that women should be covered up, big deal, yaknow? Pakistani men aren't bad, it's just a part of their culture! And who are Americans to disrespect their religion, you know? And if Pakistani women even look a man in the eyes they get stoned to death! But that's when tolerance becomes more important than ever, you know? When you're challenged by these painful differences and forced to like, look in the mirror? I mean, it's not how WE do things necessarily but, it's just so part of this WESTERN way of thinking that our beliefs are somehow superior, you know? Anyway, keep doing the lord's work here girlies. And fuck those sandy bitches, right? Why should they read, yaknow? ok cuties? ok honeypies? my bitches? my hot slut bitches? Ok bye baby bitches BITCH. bye honey titty girly girl bitches. Whatchoo got under dem curtains chickenlittle? -- " (etc etc etc until chased from the premises.)

It would be cool to film this entire interaction so that we could watch frame-by-frame to see exactly where their faces drop; to pinpoint the instant that they realize I'm not an African American but rather just a disturbed, run-of-the-mill nigger.

My endorsement wouldn't mean nearly as much.

But hey, the lack of said endorsement was enough to keep Moishe from getting a job at my company. Not that anyone else liked him either... You feel me on this? Think our clients, especially female ones, would be understanding of his little "idiosyncrasy?"

Ever had an experience like this? Where you at?