Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Ask Blognigger: Should we cut our kid's dick off?
Astute Reader Jake the Jew writes:
Date: Mon, Aug 11, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Subject: Circumcision
To: blogngr@
Hello Mr. Nigger-
Keeping up the subtle Jewish theme of the past week, I need to ask you the following:
-snip- ... we're jewish ...
-snip- ... my wife is pregnant ...
-snip- ... and we're having a boy...
-snip- ... not sure whether to circumcise....
-snip- ... What's your take?
-snip-
Keep it up!
Jake The Jew
Sorry Jake – it's the readers, see – VERY little tolerance for a whole buncha slow jokes and slow prose, so I gotsta chop all your creative shit out and just help you get to the point.
So, you wanna know whether to cut the kid's dick off, huh? I hear ya.
Listen, you've come to the right place on this one, as I've got a whole bunch of experience in dealing with this particular issue.
Lemme give you a little background:
a) I am circumcised.
b) I had no choice whether to be circumcised.
c) I am positive that sex feels better (to a man) if he is UN-circumsized
d) Whenever I think about this issue and become a trifle indignant over my involuntary dick-removal male clitoral-ectomy surgery, I stop and consider the fact that for me, sex feels TOO GOOD AS IT IS – so objectively speaking, it's probably a good thing that my foreskin was removed: IF opposite-of-viagra pills existed, i.e. medication which simulated temporary castration and killed libido, I would certainly pursue acquiring them due to the fact that I am consistently troubled and frustrated by my unshakable desire to fuck everything that moves. (Female, 18-59) Based on these facts, I'm willing to admit that if being circumcised has removed any amount of pleasure from the sex act, then for me it was probably a good thing.
e) I am married to a JEWISH WOMAN (easter egg 2.5...pre-emptive response to your next comment: Yes her father commit suicide but it was before she even met me.) and IF we have a son, he is NOT circumcised.
There's the background, now let's hijack the foreskin trolly: There are 3 traditional arguments for circumcising your child, other than the basic "That's what god says to do." If you're swayed by "that's what god says to do," then godbless ya, Baruch Hashem, stop reading and go cut its dick off because nothing I can say will convince you otherwise.
Here are the three traditional arguments FOR cutting off el tipo:
A) "Well, we went back-and-forth on it, but in the end, we want him to look like his dad."
Now, lemme ask you a question: How the FUCK he gonna look like Dad when Dad got a big ol' sack 'a hairy nuts? Like junior's bald, centimeter raisin is really gonna look like dad's Paris-Hilton-craving redness. Stupidest shit ever. And by the time Junior's got a big healthy hog and ballsack of his own, like he's really gonna be lookin at his dad's dick?
Cross that shit off the list right now. Next:
B) "Well, we went back-and-forth on it, but in the end, it's just so much cleaner to circumcise."
Listen: Dick and balls are the filthiest, nastiest shit on the planet, even worse than the ass and vagina. You better teach the little nigga to WASH that shit, foreskin or not. How stupid you gonna feel when you cut his dick off to keep him clean, but his 4-year-old sister still throws up when he holds her down and makes her sniff his circumcised cocknballs. Yeah, like circumcising it stops it from smelling.
Listen - the ass is pretty filthy too - why not start every kid off with a colostomy to make sure their anus stays clean? The fuck outta here.
C) "Well, we went back-and-forth on it, but in the end, we don't want him getting made fun of in the locker room."
Alright, I got you covered on this. For one thing, I will never admit to seeing another guy's dick in a locker room in highschool - of course I peeked a couple of times, but I'd never ADMIT it, let alone make a comment on it!?? Gimme a fuckin break; don't cut your kid's DICK OFF just to protect against this situation – just teach him to defend himself thusly:
Their kid: "YO, what's wrong witchyo dick holmes? Whaddup with the skinhat up on the front of it??!"
Your kid: "YO, whatchoo lookin at my dick for, fuckin FAGGOT??"
Check and mate; Fin.
In summary: Can it really be right to cut a piece of your kid's dick off, Especially if you don't even keep kosher or keep the sabbath? REALLY?? That's the tradition you're going to uphold? Seems like you got your priorities backwards, son:
Aw nigga, I don't wanna get up and go to TEMPLE every Saturday. and no cheeseburgers? FUCK that shit! Oh but word, I'll cut his dick off no problem.
So Jake, if I've convinced you not to do it, get ready: prepare for your inlaws to throw a shitstorm so bad you'll wish you could cut out your own balls and stuff one in each ear in order to keep out the relentless barrage of their grating jewish voices.
Don't worry though – again it's Blognigger to the rescue: Just forward your mother-in-law my answer, and I guarantee she'll understand.
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39 comments:
love it. keep it on.
first.
I made the terrible mistake of reading the Clarke novel "3001"? & there is a moment, possibly the only notable moment, in which a girl riding a dragon on the holodeck is going to get with our cave-man astronaut hero & sex him up but freaks out about his genital mutilation instead. DO YOU WANT THAT? didn't think so. listen to Blognigger!
Interesting POV BN, but I gotta say from a chick's perspective: cut away! Like it or not, circumcising is pretty much standard procedure these days, and that's what me and all my friends are gonna expect to see (full disclosure: my friends ARE mostly white, jewish, smart alek-y types). I speak clearly from a cosmetic perspective when I say that uncircumcised dicks look kinda scary. I've only seen one in my life so far, but it was seriously FREAKY looking...and honestly, I don't really ever want to see one again. So, sure sex might feel way better, etc, but if all the chicks are scared away by this dude's big uncircumcised dick, what's the point?? I say make yourself a nice bagel with some lox at the bris, cover your ears for a minute or two and snip away.
I know this is off topic (well yesterday's topic) but I was dissappointed that no one caught "Robert Dobbs"!
Bob Dobolina! Del! C'mon people, not one of you astute readers knows or remembers this song!!!
I have lost faith in the readers.
And hey BN, if the reference wasn't intentional then
A) I have lost faith in you too
B) you still get props for making me laugh by accident
I gotta bro who's uncircumcised. As much as sex controls me, it controls him about 50% more, to the point of hooking up with ugly stupid psycho whores. So I'd say it's good to not know how much better it could feel. Plus, he'll have to deal with me calling him Anteater. BN, you're on FIRE!
Eliza sounds like a lot of fun in the sack!
eliza:
"This dick of mine ain't friendly baby!" - AMG
blognigger: healing the great divide between jew and gentle since 2008
blognigger: healing the great divide between jew and gentle since 2008
BN,the post reminded me of an article that skeeved me out awhile back, and not much does anymore.
Check this shit out..argh.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9803EFD71E3EF935A1575BC0A9639C8B63&sec=health&spon=&&scp=6&sq=circumcision%20nyc%20health%20dept&st=cse
Eliza, I can't go along with you here. Mark me down as one wimmins who likes to see the WHOLE dick on a man.
I guess just make sure none of these guys are involved:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/26/nyregion/26circumcise.html
I'm not hatin', just sayin' watch out is all.
Your kid don't want the herps at such a tender age.
As a normal man I refuse to use the term "uncircumcised". That's like saying un-brain damaged or un-decapitated. Makes no sense.
And I think it's a pretty good vetting process. I mean, what do you want with a woman who won't sleep with you because you're normal? She's probably not going to be enjoying herself anyway.
And the cleanliness, etc. are just stupid red herrings. You speak the truth bn.
Also, I should point out that not chopping kids is much more normal now. So while the majority of adults now are circumcised (because Christians historically are unable to understand the Bible especially where Paul tells them not to go get circumcised), it's going to be much more like 50/50 when your kid grows up.
You can check out this page to see how the boys in your region stack up in genital mutilation:
Circumcision Statistics
Roebling:
I, too, have a brother (my only brother, older) who, for some reason, got to keep HIS turtleneck sweater while my parents decided I was gonna go crew-neck. I don't know what prompted this change of heart, but since this version of a dick is the only one I've ever owned, I have no basis for comparison. How much better could sex be? Well, Apollo 13 went to the moon, but never landed. I figure the difference must be something like that.
I have a feeling Robert Dobbs has more to do with subgeniuses. Just a guess.
@confusion,
I went for the evidently more obvious J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, leader/figurehead of the Church of the SubGenius.
Meanwhile, back to today's topic, its easier to get circumcized later than it is to get uncircumcized. Leave it and let the kid decide how much discomfort he wants to go through to blend in, decrease his genital sensitivity and increase his chances with the elizas of the world.
cut it.
I remember the kid at the pool when i was little who had, as we called it, the WORM!
(Yes I've seen other dicks and amazingly managed not to gobble them down or shove 'em up my ass, I even still love pussy!)
You think that kid doesn't have problems now with the WORM.
As a Howard Stern fan, you want the kid to have a "pouch" he can hide various items in like Sal?
Okay, another tack, you watch the porn yes? How many uncut willys you seen in porn. Exactly.
I am happily circumcised and so is my wife!
I got cousins in Spain who are supposed to be Jewsih cause their momma is. They are no snippo and I have to say they look like little dog-men when they go skinny dipping. Now men are lining up in Africa to get the snip beacuse the cheese under the hood gets infected making it even easier to get aids (while you are back-pussy boning a truck-stop ladyman prostitute with open ass sores right in the cooter, no condom)
I had a friend who was circumsized, but they screwed it up. They missed some piece of skin and it just flapped there, and looked nasty, and gave this kid a huge complex. So, eventually he tried to take it off himself with nail clippers after drinking a bottle of gin. That wasn't all too successful.
On the other hand, circumcized is way prettier, and easier on the tonsils.
Good luck with that.
i say snip, they look hotter and smell less funk-ay.
The little man in my belly is totally gettin' snipped when he comes out. Mostly because his dad is a conservative Texan and even after I made him read the chapter about what all goes into it he wasn't really gonna discuss it and I'm on the fence so you know, one less thing to disagree on.
But my nephew isn't snipped, so when he and my son are older, they can make awesome adolescent cousin memories by comparing and contrasting.
Not only have studies shown that circumcision does not affect sexual sensitivity at all, but circumcision has been shown to reduce contraction of STD's.
CUT IT OFF!
other than listening to my newborn scream bloody murder while the (unnecessary and completely cosmetic) procedure is happening, i couldn't deal with hearing my child cry in pain every time he pees for the first few weeks of life because his penis has been mutilated.
any hangups i might have are not worth maintaining just so i can torture my offspring.
and really, penises are fun, and that has nothing to do with whether they are circumcised or not.
Throw it down, BN, throw it down.
My kid's mom's Jewish but the lower East Side communist kind (Odessa, early 20th) and so the snip is involved but definitely keep the mohels out--uncle Saul, the doctor, will do it, thanks. Anyway, since the kid's now totally miscegenated white trash we thought thought we'd let him have a reminder of Odessa in the form of a mutilated dong. The hospital was so gnarly, and so full of carnage--birthing ain't easy--that we just split before the little guillotine was implemented. Dude is rocking a little worm. Freaks us out but we know he's gonna destroy these Latinas. And thank god he won't marry a Jewish girl.
True story: My uncle is insane and was badly wounded in 'nam. He came home and worried about his kong. At age 38, 16 years after being shredded by Cong schrapne, he gets his junk snipped. I swear. He's not any better for it.
Also, check this out: http://images.artnet.com/artwork_images_424149003_242768_robert-mapplethorpe.jpg
That's what I'm talking about. One of the museum ladies in Cincinnati back in those culture war days was wondering what that little "leather pouch" was...
Je vous salue, Emperor Bokassa
One of the coolest experiences in my life happened shortly after college - I was getting drunk with my parents when they informed me that they had my foreskin tucked away in a box somewhere... and then they showed it to me.
They still have it.
I'm gonna inherit that shit!
Anon 8:51 wins best blog comment of all time (past, present, & future).
to ba- The risk of infection is negligible enough for the American Association of pediatrics to say that circumcision is not recommended as normal medical procedure, and as BN referred to so adroitly, the risk pretty much disappears if you can teach your boy to A: Wash bis dick. And b. Use a hat when the time comes.
To eliza. Circumcision is standard procedure these days, if by these days you mean twenty years ago. In 2008, the rates have dropped dramatically. So if you're out cougaring when boy is of age, please be wary. Also, if a chick laughs at my boy's junk the first time, it'll be a good way for him to avoid a future relationship with an emasculating bitch.
Stimulating discussion, indeed.
Jean-Bedel, you got yourself a circumcised wife? Lucky, that is some lucky shit; I've been trying to get an import from some third world shit-hole all sewn up & mutilated PROPER but the paperwork is a bummer.
So, when I was 16 or so, I took an eighth of mushrooms before going to a Passover dinner. I was sitting in grandparents' backyard, tripping balls but thinking I'm hiding it well, and my uncle comes up to me and, apropos of nothing whatsoever, says, "Hey, you know what's buried in the garden over there?" He's pointing at my grandfather's tomato garden, out of which I've been eating produce my whole life.
"Your foreskin."
That shit would have been emotionally scarring if I'd been dead sober, but on mushrooms? I don't know what sorts of faces and sounds I made, but it was bad enough for my mom to storm over and yell at her brother on my behalf.
Anyway, it was the truth, and it wasn't just mine -- that patch of dirt was a veritable burial ground for my family's foreskins. God I hate everything.
Jordan:
From that patch of ground will someday spring the Foreskin Tree. It will produce juicy, ripe and delicious foreskins for generations to come. Look forward to family traditions of Foreskin pie, Foreskin cobbler, and your great-grandaughter's famous Foreskin Preserves, savored by the entire family as they attempt to survive in the Caliphate.
I was cut when i was a baby, by a SPECIAL doctor in IRAN just because my parents wanted me to be 100% white even if i was born abroad. Much later I moved to europe and married and Italian. She says my dick looks strange. Don't ever cut that shit, ever. White american girls all suck.
i'm a cut yank who grew up in the UK, a couple of my uncut british friends had foreskin-related trouble in their 20s - foreskin too tight/sensitive during sex, one had a snapped "banjo string", blood everywhere, the other had his doctor recommend circumcision when he was 25 (he didn't do it). i'm not taking sides, i honestly don't know what i'd decide for my own kid if i had one, but just some more info.
I feel a little late on this but I gotta share my situation – I have what is essentially a 'halfsie' - I'm not circumsized but there's only foreskin on the top of my fella and it doesn't go all the way over, just kinda chills like a sweatshirt hood when it's down. So I kinda like to think I might have best of both worlds, I guess more sensation and it basically stays back all the time and I look pretty much like normal dudes, no girl I've been with has really noticed. Oversharing for sure but it seemed pertinent in some kinda way here. So uh moms, give your kids the genetic mutation that makes them this kind of awesome. Carry on
hmm. all female here, all the time. i much prefer uncut to cut swinging in my bed and wherever. just saying, eliza.
from a mom's perspective, no way in hell was i gonna let anyone cut off my boy's dick. i thought the spinal tap and being used like a human pin cushion for blood transfusions, etc., at one-two months old was enough, enough, enough. and those were necessary to ensure LIFE. not diminishing said quality of life.
would you cut off your daughter's clit? ugh, no! that's mutilation.
@ jean-bedel:
I am happily circumcised and so is my wife!
good heavens! your wife had a clitorectomy! and you are both happy with it?
oh, my bad. it's just an unfortunate use of syntax. lmao.
You cannot have a discussion about circumcision without bringing up Dr. John Harvey Kellogg. The guy who made Kellog's Corn Flakes. He is responsible for making circumcision the accepted procedure that it is today. The reason? He was very much against masturbation, and with your turtleneck intact, you can masturbate without hand lotion (they didn't have hand lotion back then). Yes that's right, the reason we all got circumcised is because this psycho freak didn't want us wacking off. Oh and he was huge into enemas. He got enemas with all kinds of shit, yogurt, maple syrup, coffee... and Corn Flakes? He invented those to help him take bigger dumps! Yes he was a huge anal fetishist that hated masturbation and never had sex with his wife. Some say his wife died a virgin. Can you say HOMO? That is the fucked up history behind modern circumcision. Google it if you don't believe me.
Semantics. Circumcision is NOT genital mutilation. That would be cuttin your whole dick off stupid.
All cultures have adressed this, so it's intellectually provocative; a universal/christian/judeo meme.
However, any man mourning the loss of his foreskin has way too much time on his hands. And is gay.
BTW, they actually cut short a Kenyan study on HIV and circumcision because they felt they had an ethical duty to report the severe jump in HIV for uncut men. Read about it here:
As for you, the jewish atheist in the foxhole;the new parent; the activist; women will get used to anything, so don't worry bout us. (Unless you want a b.j.)
Uncut is better. Free to be normal.
Hi ,
sir
Should we be impressed Kellogg's is telling parents (in Brazil) that it's no big deal if they've got gender-bending kids, or concerned that Kellogg's is telling parents it's healthy to feed their children a bowl of diabetes every morning?
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