Tits and Airlines

Sorry I'm late - just been up on 11th street and PPW with my spandex pants, wig, and video camera, waiting for it to rain so I could youtube up some of the manhattan girls when they came running out of the concert with their wet T-shirts. bouncy-bouncy.

Seriously, I was taking the F train home, and I noticed that there were a million more people than usual, most of them of the attractive young Obama-supporting class. I stopped in front of Dizzy's and asked this douchey looking coolkid whether there was a concert in the park. He said, with the respect one usually reserves for someone asking them what year it is, "uh - yeah? Feist? It's sold out." I was like... okay, well, see, I'M AN OLD FUCK so if it isn't BEETHOVEN or FUCKING DUKE ELLINGTON or DORA THE LATINA EXPLORER then you have to speak clearly and loudly, you douchey little twerp. Who the fuck is FEIST?

okcoolman - have fun with the hot chicks - I'll be at home soaking my cracked feet in Epsom salts, playing pinochle, and watching Chaplin films with my lantern extinguished. Funny thing is, I don't even miss being cool anymore. Weird how that happens, huh guys?

Anyway, let's get to it; yall see this shit?

So, let me get this straight; They get their fucking planes flown into the world trade center, get bailed out by the US government, have their business saved by the heroism/stupidity of US citizens returning to fly their shitty flights again even though their flight attendants are the RUDEST service employees in the service industry, (seriously, they make Dizzy's waiters and MTA Token-Clerks look like the Pizza Plus Lady) then they're nowhere to be seen on this fucking flight for an HOUR AND A HALF while people sit on the plane with no air conditioning, no water, and screaming kids, then they finally arrive, people boo them, and they retaliate like Israel.

They wouldn't fly?? They sent these poor people's luggage to JFK as a big fuck-you? man get the FUCK outta here. We need Reagan to come back and fire every single one of these people. They wouldn't do their fucking jobs cause they got booed?

Last year at yankee stadium during the playoffs, I told A-Rod LOUDLY so that he and the whole third-base-line crowd could hear, that while he was there not hitting the ball, my blackest friends were back at his house tea-bagging his wife. Did he walk off the field? Did he refuse to do his job? FUCK no. He recognized my feedback as legitimate criticism and continued to attempt to perform his duties.

Look at our commander and chief George W. He literally has the whole world booing his ass, but does the nigga hide, step down, capitulate? You fucking WISH.

Do your fucking job, you rude thankless babies. So ya got booed. (Listen, the only reason someone didn't rip off their shoe-they-had-to-check-through-security and try to break your face with it is because they're afraid of the Air Marshall filling them with lead or making them spend 10 years on Guantanamo per these USELESS precautions like crawling up old white people's asses to make sure they don't have nailclippers.)

Do your fucking jobs. Shame on you. Enough now.

Now, these precautions the airlines take are just retarded right? Always so stupid right? Reactionary and hysterical right? right? NO, not right, see I just wanted to get you to say that. Lemme tell you one quick story of how hypocritical I am. Pretty sure I saw some o' you muthafuckas on this flight as well, so own up.

I was taking the red-eye to Amsterdam with my wife and kids - this was '03. We're in the near-empty waiting area at the gate, and these 4 muslim dudes come in. They were probably 24 years old, and looked like they were plucked outta that photo. WHAT, they did - get the fuck outta here and stop lying like you don't think about it too. Anyway, they looked ANGRY. Not anonymous 1:06 williamsburg Internet angry, but Mohammed Atta angry. WHAT.

So, they set themselves apart and go sit in another COMPLETELY empty gate area, all by themselves, even though I know it's obviously going to be my luck that they're going to Amsterdam with us. So of course my kid is walking around, and starts to wonder over to them. Talk about a time for parenting - I was walking behind her, but didn't steer her away. (!?) She gets close - not quite boxcutter's distance, but close enough for discomfort, and they look up at her. I GIVE THEM THE ISN'T HE CUTE FACE! Hypocrite!!!

They looked at me with an anger, again not like williamsburg anonymous 1:06, but like they are literally writing us at the top of their book of death. Those will be the ones we slash before we storm the cabin.

So, the look was so scary - those of you honest enough will have to take my word for it. Again, take the comments about how racist I am and how great you are, and shove 'em up your imaginary muslim-best-friend's ass. The look was so scary, especially in '03 with the start of the Iraq war, I was just shitting myself.

So we get on the plane, and the Muslim guys get on too of course- and they were SO rude to the "hello-committee" that I was astounded. And I live in Park Slope and go to Dizzy's regularly! The bright-eyed Virgin Atlantic Hostess gave them the full Welcome!! - in an english accent and shit - EXTRA enthusiastic since they're Muslim and you have to kiss their ass to make sure everyone knows how safe you feel around Muslims on a plane, and these guys almost spit on her.

Seriously, I started to get a touch of the stomach cancers. So we're in our seats for an extra long time, not moving, no announcements, just waiting. I look over at my politically correct wife who will hate this whole post, and she's SHITTING her pants. Jesus, Brooklyn people are so full of shit - My wife will like, go to meetups for muslims, fight with our parents at the dinner table, blahblahblah, but when the shit hits the fan, and she's on a flight with psychotic looking muslims, she shits her pants just like the rest of us.

Finally, WHITE SCOUT'S HONOR, some non-uniformed suit guy gets on the plane, and marches the muslims off. NO FUCKING SHIT. And I was like... omg... THANK GOD. And so was my wife, even though she'll lie about it now. Thank god SOMEONE is smart enough to racially profile, even if they have to crawl up old white ladies' asses on the security line for show.

Now lemme ask you this - statistically speaking, there's no way these guys were terrorists. So what the FUCK is wrong with them? EVERYONE was on their best behavior on those flights in '03, and we were nowhere near the terrorist profile group, and these guys who fit it exactly have to act like psycho cocksuckers? Did they want to fly to Amsterdam or not? THAT was the time to make their political statement about how much they hate Americans?? Are they fucking crazy? I hope they were undercover Salon reporters or some shit, trying to get kicked off the flight - otherwise, they're either truly psychotic or just retarded.

It's amazing that the rest of us were willing to fly NAKED if we had to, to conform to the security standards, and they just act indignant and clueless. Like I saw this muslim dude with a BIG ASS backpack on a packed F-train, right after the Madrid bombings, muttering to himself with an Arabic book open in prayer or something. I'm like, nigga you have got to be FUCKIN with us. What is your fucking problem? Are you a dick or just retarded?? Again, see the Burkagate post - my black and jewish friends are willing to suck the white dick for the greater good - why aren't they? (To be fair, I do have an Egyptian friend from Jersey who says, "my man, SEARCH my shit all day at the airport - do WHATEVA - I understand I fit the profile, do what yall niggas need to do. He's the man. Learn.)

Ya gotta figure that at those NYPD meetings for Lincoln Tunnel checkers / Airline screeners / Subway Bag Checkers (Seriously - violation of our fourth amendment rights and I'm hypocritically APPALLED) / PORT screeners - you gotta figure there's some smoking x-files man that comes in at the end of the conference and says "Look. Search all the white ladies you need to so that it looks fair. But if you let an angry lookin muslim drivin a truck into the tunnel without searching him, you're fired." We can only hope.

Alright, I'm done- go do the thing where you send me threatening emails and condescending comments. I could give a rat's ass- I'll be here wanking to my new concert video.