Original Restaurant Owners Perform Ritual Suicide Upon Successful Opening of Red Hot II

PARK SLOPE, Brooklyn (BNN) – The original owners of Red Hot Szechuan took their own lives today, under the shame caused by the re-opening of the popular restaurant they were unable to guide to success. The tragedy occurred after initial weekend estimates indicated that Red Hot's new owners were paced to bring in more Q3 revenue than any other restaurant in Brooklyn's South Slope.

Li Chun and Chun Li were found at home just before 6am, having sustained self-inflicted broadsword wounds acquired as part of an apparent ritual suicide. While unspeakably tragic, the action is a predictable outcome of colossal failure in a culture that demands ultimate sacrifice for matters of extreme dishonor.

Park Slope residents were saddened by the news, but remained puzzled as to why the original owners were unable to parlay such a popular establishment into a successful business venture.

"The old place was always packed," said 33-year-old Susan Krauskoph of 10th street, "I guess it was just the rising rents and all the new yuppies that moved in. We've been here awhile, since like '04, but we've never seen anything like this influx. Develop, ya know? Don't destroy."

The restaurant's customers, some coming from as far as Red Hook to celebrate the re-opening, expressed concern, but doubted that the tragedy would have a palpable impact on Q3 earnings.

"Nigga that spot was crawlin with white people, knowwham sayin," said 22-year-old Zaxxon of Red Hook Houses, "Dem niggas was obviously makin bank. They bitches must've been smokin all that cash; believ-datshit."

Mindful of their predecessor's mistakes, the new owners will rely on a more traditional business model in order to streamline and maximize revenue.

"It's leally no-blaina," explained Chun-Li II, co-owner of the re-opened establishment, "You have people wanta food, they owda food, buy lotta food, anden you geta money."

Chun Li and Li Chun are survived by their extended families, who were on hand to pay tribute to the restaurant that their brethren made great. Noticing the brood congregating on the sidewalk, Chun Li II joined them to pay his respects.

"You lika stand outside you stand to side," he offered, "you no standa blocka door."