I still think Haffin' is a fucking genius for getting all meta on the nohomo shit yesterday. Sure he was trying to hate, but I tookded his aids and made lemonaids: It's without question a brilliant concept to take no homo and abstract it to all conceivable races and identities.
I also agree with Nicole that yesterday brought out the best in our commenters. We've certainly got a cool community here and I'm psyched to suck all your dicks clean nohomo.
So let us take those two sentiments and combine them with Blognigger.com's stated purpose of ridding the earth of political correctness; let's all share (pause) our own racial insecurities and rip the shit out of ourselves as a healing and therapeutic exercise.
Consider it like Blognigger Soduku - take this shit on the train with you, bring a pencil like one a them domincans who moves her lips when she reads, and try to come up with some good burners for your own race and affiliations.
I'll start by hooking up 10 phrases for the blecks. Afterwards, All yall have to comment and use your own races / identities to bring out your own hangups. This is going to prevent us all from getting cancer. I expect to see at LEAST no-nigger no-hooknose no-guinea no-beaner and no-cockslut. And blognigger queer contingent, please feel free to deliver your own customized no-homo submissions as well.
Ready?
10. I'll start with the house salad please, and then I'll have the Southern Fried Chicken no-nigger.
9. That reminds me babe, it's the 25th so the cable bill is late no-nigger.
7. Ma, you're sweet but the kids aren't super-fond of honeydew - they're really bigger fans of watermelon no-nigger.
6. I so don't feel like working today no-nigger.
5. ...and can you see if they have grape no-nigger?
4. Yeah, my mom still lives uptown; my dad left when I was 2 so I never really knew him no-nigger.
3. Not the damn hatchet, it's a fuckin oak tree dummy; hand me the axe no-nigger.
2. We absolutely need to invest in education to make a positive change in this community no-nigger.
1. Damn girl, you got the BaDONKaDONK. Shit boo, them shits look like a dinasour muffin. I'd get up in that ass pooky, UH!!! I'd throw a hurtin on yo shit like Mike Tyson '86 no-nigger.
BONUS burner to get Seth started on his deliverables for today:
* Let me get the Turkey Club, hold the bacon no-hooknose
holla! (nn)
About Me
- Blognigger
- Brooklyn, NY
Black every day for 33 years; Never a nigger until Wall St. moved to Brooklyn.
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74 comments:
Blognigger,
Those are pretty good but I would have added....
-Put lots of hot sauce on it no nigger
-....the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. no nigger
This is good. good stuff.
As a jew, I think about this every time I drop a coin and try not to pick it up.
"Miss, careful, you dropped a nickel no-hebrew"
Damn bklyn negress, with every post you get hotter and hotter...
How does it feel to be the girl that all the BN boys wanna bang?
Negress has a point, but that point could be widened into shouting at the poor bastards at Chinese slop joints, period.
Also I missed a good day yesterday, huh?
"& can you tell Malik to actually MOP the fucking floor tonight? No cracker?"
Just last night @ our white friends house.....
"Will you please let me help with the dishes (no-beaner)"
(i'm puertorican from nyc, my wife is jewish from texas)
"check out what i just got from l.l. bean no-dyke"
hahah! ditto redscorpse for me
Tonight at tempo...Sparking or Still???
"sparkling, no homo"
i faglisp that "sp" and it makes me cringe.
My dick may not be long, but it's fat like a nigger's - and it's beautiful cause I'm circumcised, bitch, no kyke.
"Put it in my ass no-hooker"
Let's cross the street. There's some scary looking black guys over there, no whitey
Hi Blognigger. Thanks for the shout-out. I am trying to do my part for the New America.
Here are some no-hooknose comments to brighten everyone's day. I only came up with six, but they are quality, dig?
“I have to leave early to beat the rush out to the Hamptons…no hooknose.”
“Iran is a huge threat to America…no hooknose.”
“I would never live above 96th Street…no hooknose.”
“What about Louis Farrakhan…no hooknose.”
“I subscribe to the New York Times…no hooknose.”
“I hate to break this ten… no hooknose.”
“It doesn’t pay to buy dimebags, let’s get an ounce…no hooknose.”
"Blacks are just as smart as whites...no hooknose."
Can't make the team lunch... it's Ramadan nosama
Let me get a slice and a Hawaiin Punch,no nigger
There is still plenty of diversity in Park Slope! No whitey.
Girl, he gave me money for my hair and nails - no nigger
!!! moodysid yes
"This tip calculator doesn't have a 7% option"- No Hooknose
"Look! A letter from our sponsor child in. Honduras! I'll read it in the Mercedes on the way to Malibu" - No Cracker
"It's a real Rolex" - No African
"He's a friend of ours" - No Wop
"Knowwhamsayin?"- No Nigger
"I'll pay you back next week" - No Nigger
"Men can appreciate good looks on other men" - No Greek (which is interchangeable with 'no homo')
"Damn, I got a 'B' in Advanced Quantum Mechanics" -No Korean
i'm just not really ready for this yet no-cocktease
Jesus I just love teenage boys. No molestah! I mean, they are so fuckin' cute, no molestah. Especially when they slap each other, and their pants almost fall off! No molestah! They're just like golden retrievers, no molestah. Except that they're smooth like dolphins, no molestah.
Sammy Sosa, you're on crack -
The Bkln Ngrss is funny, but the obvious WIN is an FFM threesome with Brosti and Hornery
holy shit Brosti is hot
“Change” no bama
“Fuck Change” no McSame
Do you guys have any "snugger fit" condoms-no irish?
I know this great bar we can go to, it's all locals, the juke box is hilarious, and the drinks are cheap no white invader.
...and what medication is it sir?
"Uh... PAXIL, no-psycho"
okay, i'm lame and from the west coast but what is hooknose?
Sammy Sosa, it’s the story of my life and both a blessing and a curse.
And just in case you boys are wondering -- I always swallow, never spit, no slut
i think some of you are missing the idea of how to make a no-whatever phrase. here's an example.
"Will you please let me help with the dishes (no-beaner)"
this is wrong, because a beaner isn't going to ask to help to wash dishes. a better one would have been "i can't wait to get to work so i can take a nap no beaner"
"Do you put your dick down your left leg or your right one?" no-homo / no-nigger
"May you fellate a dog’s syphilitic penis that is smeared with feces from buggering your Jesus." – no sand nigger
What do you mean the bars here close at 2am? No irish
By the by, in case any one is having trouble thinking of derogatory terms for their particular race, Wikipedia has this handy guide. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Offensive_terms_per_nationality
The Irish are strangely (since we got hated like crazy for a century or eight) mostly left out. You I-talians have more than enough to work with though.
DAMN MY CHIN ITCHES, NO BRETT MEYERS!
bklyn negress and weaselgrrl, my dick is so hard for the both of you, no cheater no predator
I've lived with my white mom since the age of two, but I put down "African American" on my college applications.-no-mulatto
Yeah, i listened to alot of rap in high-school, but really fell in love with classic rock during college-no-mulatto
I respect the hell out of strong black women, but am only attracted to white chicks no-mulatto/no-bn
Just got back from the gym no-guido.
Honey, where is my hair gel no-guido?
Thats a pretty sweet camaro no-guido.
Let's get drunk and beat the shit out of some niggers no-guido.
Hornery--Love it--"is this wood organic?" Ha ha.
Are the Blognigger commenters the funniest group of people in the world?
Yo hornery I got some organic wood for u right here
shiiiiit, sorry
damn, you're 13 your old son is a sweet piece of ass, no-priest
**he's my cousin**
1. "did you see LIARS last sunday at McCarren - no willsburg"
2. Friend 1 : "that asian girl is so hot"
Friend 2: "dude I think she has down's syndrom"
Friend 1: "so - she's ASIAN man! no willsburg"
3. "park slope is for lame hippy liberals with kids - no willsburg"
4. "this coke is..sniff..totally stepped on and..sniff..smells like nail polish...- no willsburg"
5. "Vice sux now man...no willsburg"
6. "my fixed gear is all fucked up man - no willsburg"
7. "do you listen to This Heat? - no willsburg"
8. "Fassbinder man..Fassbinder - so good man - no willsburg"
"People ask me, are Latinas good in Bed I tell them, they're not just good, theyy'rrre Grreeaaattt!..." no TonytheTiger
(And here's one I use in daily conversation)
"Sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle" no toad
I dunno, I just really feel like listening to some Mr. Big right now, no-cracker (or no-homo I guess, depending on your level of appreciation for beautiful ballads)
This is so much fun! You bitches are sick..
Meet my wife and first cousin Peggy Sue – no redneck
Yo, I want the pinky ring with the diamonds – no guido
The wedding dress, pigs-in-blanket and photographer are from Wal-Mart- no redneck
We adopted from Cambodia and Nicaragua – no slope
Of course we can fit 3 more in the car – no beaner
No ticky, no laundry – no chinaman
It’s not a sin if I just put the tip in –no priest
Daddy, you promised I could get my nose done before my Bat mitzvah – no j.a.p.
Osama is great, he just needs more experience. Pardon, I meant to say Obama – no w.a.s.p
newfags: you're doing it wrong.
The point is NOT to just say something, then say what group is known for saying it, and put the word NO in front of the group name. You are FAILFAG.
The following people FAIL horribly:
-songoman
-anon 11:09
-Alex
-Hornery (I don't care, you still fail)
-anon 12:29
-jsimps3 (but at least you were funny)
Stop fucking up the internet you dummies.
p.s. Anon 11:48 USE google u lazy twat.
even though I should be working BK Negress inspired me (and yeah this shit is fun!):
1. "Obama is weak on Israel" - no zionist
2. "Hillary was robbed by an unfair media" - no white middle aged feminist
3. "yo son that new Nas is wack - keep it real with Saigon and Papoose son" - no annoying back pack wearing hip-hop purist.
4. "me and the girls are hitting Crobar - girls night out! - Armin Van Buren is djing!" - no guidette.
5. "mmmm...feels good yo...yeah harder papi...(gum clacking)..o hells yeah papi...." no PR girl.
6. "stop..stop... - but its 3am, we've been kissing for hours - no baby no...just take it easy - (dude then tries to not to show rage) ok girl..mmm..kiss kiss" no cock tease + no super frustrated right on the line of date rape guy.
Holy shit Thomas -
you FAIL
Did you even read my message?!?!
TERRIBLE!
Dear Judge:
I am rebel without a cause and I live to break the rules. Thank you for your consideration Your Honor.
Respectfully Submitted,
Tommy.
I made myself finish a LOT of work today before jumping into this one, and I'm glad to see my category has yet to be represented:
Oh, it's right over there next to my George Strait album no sellout.
Oh, no, the tall black guy is my sister's husband, mine's the one standing next to him, with the buzz cut? And the slightly reddish golf tan on the back of his neck no sellout.
[At age 10 on the sidewalk visiting aunt and cousins on the south side of Chicago] My turn? But I don't know how to turn or jump double dutch no sellout.
[In the buffet line at the family reunion in reference to having only salad on the plate] Oh no, I'm not dieting, I just don't know if my body can digest any of the stuff on this table no sellout.
No, I've never seen Poetic Justice no sellout.
[Sr. year of college after being invited to an event at The Black House] Where on campus is The Black House Exactly no sellout.
"Hey judge! so deep up your ass it squirts out your ears!!!" no homo
Hey Judge:
No, Thomas probably didn't read your post. I did, though, just so you know. I'm just IGNORING it. There's always one guy that can't stand to see people having fun. Usually, they're thumping a bible, though.
Moving right along:
"Damn. Only one Cambodian teenager's head left in the fridge" -no Dahmer
"He came IN here with the toilet plunger shoved up his ass" -no NYPD
"..and these are my children: Kyle, Kayla, Kodie, and Kristen" - no Soccer Mom
"Wally, why are you in bed naked with Eddie Haskell?" -no Beaver
this is moderately funny but I cant believe you are now finding out about this phrase. I've been hearing about it for at least 2years now. no-hater
Nicole = win = love
Ms. Solomon: not bad!!
@songoman
NICE!
judge, suck it yes homo
"Hitler was a pretty good speaker no nazi"
"Don't worry, I always carry tums no jewie"
"God, there's so much about my penis that you don't know, no hooknose."
"Have you met Zaidy's Filipino nurse? She's great! Those people have such a great temperament, no hooknose."
"Oh please, there is no Israeli apartheid. So are you going to sponsor me for the UJA walk or what? No hooknose."
"Drink up! Not a chance you get pulled over on Shabbos, no hooknose."
@Judge -- Sure, sure, but:
Put down your oversized bodega beer and ante up, ya big pansy back-seat blogger! Represent! No-jurist.
I'm a blognigger, no slope
Dogisdead:
The Hitler one was the best one yet. GoddAMMM. I am impressed.
Songo
damn, friend just canceled...
any BN fans wanna go see 9:35 batman at pavilion?
re: batman - shit, i woulda
alright then take a step back you niggers and let the chinaman show you how it's done:
"Mrs. Smith, the school nurse sent billy home with a case of lice no-gooky"
sup now BITCHES
90 percent of these are lame no- seriously
songoman: As it so happens, I wish I had been able to apply these rules when I, in jest, sang "Happy Birthday Hitler" at my family's passover seder.
Although, the awkwardness? PRICELESS.
yo doucheyandbanana
That's what *I* said fag-o, but I said it much funnier than yous
BN,
Looks like I'm late to this party, but I love your blog and I would totally give you a handjob for free, no white slut.
P.S. Nicole gets my vote for the best no's so far.
Dawg:
One has to be judicious about working Hitler into the repetoire; unless you're at the Amadinejad family reunion, it's best to assess the general mood first.
I remember letting my common sense slip once, years ago. I was working as an orderly at the State school for the blind and let a Helen Keller joke slip through during the annual fish soire. What a bunch of oversensitive curb-feelers! Good thing I was able to slip out the back exit after a few satisfying snaps with the wet towel.
"No, Czechoslovakia was the last, we'll stop now, no nazi"
"Um, is it just me, or is it really hot in here, no hymie"
Best thing about being half German and half Jewish is the jokes.
I'm stealing this post
... no nigger
Judge makes a point. No-homo and it's derivatives aren't just funny because of racial/ homophobic humor. It's not enough to come up with something a white person would say and then add "no-whitey" to it. That's not funny. Or at best that's Carlos Mencia funny (which is not funny). The part that's funny about saying "no-homo" is the implication 1) that the preceding statement is so singularly white/black/gay that it requires apology, and 2) that saying no-homo (etc.) excuses it. By overlooking this nuance you're not "rebelling"; you're a child repeating the same knock-knock joke over and over without comprehension, grinning emptily at the dwindling interest of the grown ups. Go play in the yard.
no whitey
The nuance a lot you guys were missing was that the "no X" statement you're making has to be something that you yourself would say, that is inadvertently similar to something that a member with the attribute X would say.
You can't just make a statement like "hee hee hee I love cock! No homo," because you've missed the key point that makes it funny: that you've self-consciously pointed out an interpretation that your listener may not have even considered.
For that, it has to be something you would say, that could incriminate you as having attribute X when taken out of context.
No Aspberger's.
Yeah, I'm glad to see that some legitimate criticism of the no-homo efforts are starting to surface in a slightly calmer and more digestible fashion than what The Judge initially put forward.
(Although, damn - the Judge sure dilvered on his own "no-gooky" phrase, huh? Who knew!)
Anyway, all entries were welcome of course, and I'm glad we were all having fun on a Friday, but I have to concur that strictly speaking, the general algorithm behind the joke certainly developed more than it's fair share of elasticity as the day went on.
The key thing that most of them were missing, to me, is that the addition of "no-homo" (or equiv) at the end should recontextualize the first portion of the phrase, and make the reader reflect in what Adolph Eichmann would refer to as the "ah-ha" moment.
They're similar to the old "that's-what-she-said" jokes in that way.
It's not funny if you go: "Hey I want to SUCK YOUR DICK." .... "That's what she said! no really; that's what she said."
You get the drift. Anyway, I think it was theraputic to all, and I certainly wouldn't want to dissuade anyone from posting their own cancer-preventing entries, no matter how abstract.
ta.
I love it when sh*t we said growing up get's reinvented and appreciated once again.
I was on the 1/9 train the other day and saw this little kid give another kid "gills"!! If you're from uptown and you know what gills are, you are appreciating that just as much as me.
That being said, "no homo" and "pause" have been around for quite a long time, but it's nice to see them repopularized. I remember when it first started happening around 2003-4 and I had a nice "remember when" moment with my brother.
Damn, I really want a burger right now, no dyke.
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