WE THE PARENTS of Park Slope and the surrounding vicinity hereby declare our realization that we and our children can, at times, be annoying as FUCK. We are naturally compelled to value our children's feelings and well-being above all else, frequently to the exclusion of our consideration for others, our capacity for courtesy, and our common sense.
Notwithstanding this concession, it is our observation that our Childless Neighbors are prone to aggressive and rude responses to our faux pas, which often far outweigh the damages caused by our initial slights of manners in the first place.
It is from this dichotomy, and for the inalienable truth that our two species must co-exist and co-depend on one another in this neighborhood, that WE THE PARENTS propose these official tenets of behavior, in order that we may ease relations through the removal of situational interpretation via the creation of the following standard operating procedures:
Article I: Sidewalk Behavior
I.a.1 - Parents with strollers shall not occupy more than 66% of the width of a given sidewalk's walking area, except for periods of less than ten seconds when passing jutting storefront artifacts such as elongated entranceways, outdoor eating areas, or subway stations.
I.a.2 - As mothers, especially new mothers, are often hormonal masses of cluelessness, fathers will be responsible for a family's compliance with article I.a.1. Childless Individuals are urged to take special note of these characteristics of a mother's mindstate, and to factor this understanding into their reactions to violations of Article 1.a.1; a mother's failure to make room for you on the sidewalk does not derive from her arrogance, though it may easily be mistaken for such; said failure is merely motivated by obliviousness due to lack of sleep, individual freedom, and the chemical demand of continual and exclusive focus on her children.
I.a.3 - In cases where Article I.a.1. is violated, Childless Individuals are requested to keep a sense of propriety and a sense of humor regarding the violation. It is recommended that a victim of this violation simply blurt "careful!," "'scuse me!," or even "Article 1!" - but should attempt to refrain from getting bent outta fuckin shape: There is no reason to shoot the mother a psychotic Billy Corgan look, act like a self-important fuckin douche bag, or invoke hatred and negativity as if someone just flew a 747 into your office building. At the end of the day, is getting where you're going 30 seconds earlier really worth all that? Don't worry - I guarantee you'll still get home in time to watch the new episode of The Cunt - and if you don't you should have Tivo'ed it; either way it will be on In-Demand in a couple of days at most.
I.b.1 - Children who ride scooters, skates, bicycles, skateboards, or rollerblades on sidewalks, must be carefully monitored by their parents. It is unacceptable for parents to allow their children to create unsafe sidewalk conditions by violating common sense in this situation.
I.b.2 - In the case of a violation of Article I.b.1, parents are hereby forbidden to make the "isn't he cute face" at the victim of the violation. This is in strict accordance with The Universal Axiom: "Nobody Thinks Your (fuckin) Kid is Cute But You."
I.b.3 - In benign cases of sidewalk riding, e.g. a 5-year-old girl merely riding a pink-princess scooter down a side street, smiling in the warm summer sun, and through necessity approaching the spot where a Childless Individual is walking, said Childless Individual is requested to not act as though they've just seen their fucking grandparents murdered by Joeseph Stalin. This is a fucking neighborhood, in fact it's Park Slope, and there are going to be fucking kids on the street. This especially goes for big angry dykes, skinny single white people with tight black jeans who think they are fuckin Quentin Tarantino, and angry greying hippies and gay men: Get the fucking sticks out of your asses - it's a little girl on a scooter, not a fucking escaped war criminal from Neurnberg. Remember, if you're going to go ape-shit every time you see a kid in the neighborhood, you are PROVEN RETARDED by the Arnold Schwartzenegger postulate of Q2 '08.
Article II: Restaurant Behavior
II.a.1 - As a general tenet to guide behavior in restaurants, parents agree to abide by The Universal Axiom: "Nobody Thinks Your (fuckin) Kid is Cute But You." For example, in the situation where a family is at a booth directly behind another booth containing 2 Childless Individuals, parents are forbidden to make the "isn't he cute" face to the Childless Individuals as their child stands on the seat and drools at the Childless Individuals over the booth divider.
II.a.2 - Fathers are (again) required to act as the guardians of Article II.a.1, as mothers cannot reasonably be expected to realize that Childless Individuals will fucking VOMIT from watching their kid drool canned corn over the divider.
II.b.1 - Clueless slacker Gen-Y waiters are urged to realize that kids are fucking time bombs, and if they aren't screaming and crying yet they will be soon - please get our family's order chop chop boys, and get us the food, and then the check, and let us get home, and don't be dickin around like we're a couple of melodramatic ambiance-seeking divorcees on a first J-date.
II.c.1 - Infants / Babies / Toddlers who shriek at > 9Khz for more than 60 seconds are required to be removed from earshot of a restaurant's common eating area, regardless of circumstance or time-of-day. Parental facial-expressions attempting to elicit sympathy from Childless Individuals in this scenario form grounds for lifetime bans from ALL Park Slope restaurants.
II.d.1 - Children are allowed in ALL Park Slope restaurants before 8pm, including Blue Ribbon and Presto.
II.d.2 - The following is a list of grace-period restaurants that shall permit children between the hours of 8pm and 9:30pm:
- Pizza Plus
- Bonnie's Grill
- Purity Diner
- Aunt Suzie's
- Two Boots
- Song
- Red Hot II (punishment for closing)
- Grand Canyon
- Yamato
- Tutta Pasta (let 'em have it)
- Rancho Alegre
- Joe's Pizza
- Amin
- La Taqueria
- Uncle Moe's
- Two Boots
II.d.3 - Bar amendment: If you are a parent, you know by now that part of your life is over. Well, it's this part. Bars are places for people to get wasted, get irresponsible, and praise jesus one in a million: get laid. Children are hereby forbidden in ANY Park Slope bar, with the exception of the little shitty one in the front of Two Boots. If this disturbs the wacky 4 locals I always see hanging out there, talking to the Hawaiian shirt guy and that hot chick - what the hell are you doing there so much anyway? You remind me of the girls in my high school that used to mysteriously hang out in the nurse's office. Parents are urged to recognize the ludicrousness of bringing KIDS into a BAR. These establishments are the last vestiges of a neighborhood that is owned by children, and they shall henceforth be respected as such. If you must think in selfish terms for your own species, and can't just do it for the Childless Individuals, do it for the fathers at the end of their ropes. Do it for the poor couples who have finally managed to afford a babysitter for a single regressive evening. One day you too will require respite.
Article III: Bookstore Behavior
III.a.1 - no children shall be allowed in the following bookstores:
- Community Bookstore / cafe - 143 7th Ave between Garfield and Carroll
- Park Slope Books / used & rate - 200 7th Ave between 2nd and 3rd
III.a.2 - no complaining about children, including dirty looks / muttering, shall be allowed in the remaining park slope bookstores, including:
- 7th Ave Books / new,used, out-of-print 202 7th Ave between 2nd and 3rd
- Barnes & Noble 257 7th Ave
Barnes and Noble is a fucking circus. Childless Individuals, if you don't expect it to be a fucking circus and you go there anyway, you're retarded. Stay at home on fucking amazon if silence is so goddamn crucial. This isn't Alexandria; You're in Park Slope and this kind of clueless behavior puts you in danger of being deemed RETARDED by the Arnold Schwartzenegger principal of Q2 '08.
Article IV: Movie Theater Behavior
IV.a.1 - Children shall not be permitted in movie theaters after 8pm. It is recommended that non-Puerto Rican parents who bring their children into movie theaters past 8pm submit themselves for dna testing to determine whether trace amounts of Puerto Rican genes do in fact exist in their lineage.
IV.a.2 - In general, movies with a rating above PG are not for children. No children of any kind shall be permitted in movies with a rating of PG-13 or greater.
IV.a.3 - Childless Individuals, if attending G-rated movies that appeal to them, such as "Wall-E" or the re-release of The Sound of Music (hello gay friends of Liza Manelli), shall not act surprised and indignant if kids talk during these movies. You're at a fucking disney film, shrivel-nuts. Stop acting like Mr. Burns and support the survival of the human race for a change.
Article V: Supermarket Behavior
V.a.1 - Fathers especially realize that mothers in Supermarkets are astoundingly selfish. The most common problematic practice of a Park Slope Mom is to leave her shopping cart, with child, in the middle of an aisle whilst she goes to compare the prices of Wheat-Free Penne. If the mother was not missing the functions of a crucial piece of her brain, she could pull the cart closer to the Wheat-Free Pasta shelf, and allow easy access for all.
V.a.2 - Fathers are charged with making sure that the situation described by Article V.a.1 is remedied as quickly as possible. In cases where Fathers are physically unable to alleviate the problem, (e.g. he is physically blocked by the victim's shopping cart and unable to move his wife's shopping cart out of the way) the father will be required to perform an eye-roll, a slight head shake, or some other body language that communicates to the victim that he/she is in the right, that the father is sorry, that the mother is a selfish retard, and that the whole debacle is but a symptom of a hell the father has to live with every day.
Article VI: Subway Behvaior
VI.a.1 - If you're on a fucking F train and a pregnant woman gets on, give her your fucking seat. Who the fuck RAISED you?
VI.a.2 - Don't bring your big-ass fuckin BIKE on the train at rush-hour, douche. (unrelated)
VI.a.3 - Parents are urged not to bring strollers onto the train during Rush Hour. If you absolutely must violate this directive, parents must make sure their stroller is folded. If you absolutely can't fold the stroller (e.g. you have 2 kids with you and the stroller-bound kid isn't walking yet) then you should recognize that you are unfairly taxing the system. You will be permitted on the train, but should show humility by moving as close to the middle of the train as you can (i.e. not blocking the doors), keeping your head down, and NEVER giving an "isn't-he-cute" face to the commuters who are the victims of your violation.
VI.a.4 - Douchebags getting angry at parents in violation of VI.a.4 - don't be such fucking assholes. You have no idea what the circumstances are here, so try and have a heart. If you are physically able to, give your seat to this parent, as it will make more room for everyone involved if this stroller can be up against a seat.
VI.a.4 - If you have more than 4 kids on the train on a regular basis, then what the fuck are you doing? Why do you keep having fucking kids and then bringing them on the subway? Dominicans are excused from this question and Chassid's aren't; just because.
VI.a.5 - When entering / leaving a train station, if a Childless Individual is physically able and is NOT in a rush, (i.e. you will NOT expected to make yourself late for an important meeting in order to uphold Article VI.a.5) you are requested to help women with heavy strollers up/down the stairs. What's your fucking problem? Think of your mom or your sister struggling with a stroller and depending on the kindness of a stranger. Send me a .jpg of your tarred, deflated, wrinkled black heart.
This Declaration, and the laws of Park Slope which shall be made in pursuance thereof; and all treaties made, or which shall be made, under the authority of the Brooklyn, NY, shall be the supreme law of the land; and the judges at every streetcorner shall be bound thereby, anything in the Declaration or laws of any neighborhood to the contrary notwithstanding.
[Would you ratify this Declaration? I'm interested in your opinion, so please take a moment to vote in the poll on the right-nav. Voting ends next Sunday night.]
94 comments:
Little holiday spirit huh? good stuff, but you'll never get it past Civic Council
As A mom of two kids, I gotta say: bravo! Best column ever. Send it to Park Slope Parents!
I don't live in Park Slope, I don't have kids - but I completely agree with all of the above.
also, why hasn't anyone offered you a book deal yet? at the very least, you should get an honorary podium on 7th Avenue to spread your word.
HERE HERE!! I second the motion and would like to see this mandate passed asap. Please make sure the campaign posters feature the "isn't he cute" face in direct contempt; as this weak-ass attempt at mollifying said circumstances has often allowed the vioilator to feel immune to the law.
A Loyal Supporter and Parent
A good set of by-laws, most of which I already follow, despite having lost a good chunk of my brain to birthing a pair of crotchfruit. But -- I have to ask -- is there no acceptable substitute for the "isn't she cute" look? I mean, somehow I don't think that my "STFU she is going to have to work until she's 80 to pay for your goddamn medicaid" look is going to be helpful in any of these situations!
Mind-bendingly brilliant. An invaluable public service for which you should go down in history.
I do have a request for clarification under 11.d.3 (Bar Amendment) - to wit: Johnny Mack's.
The front room is clearly a bar. The back room is a restaurant, but isn't open some weeknights. The whole thing is overrun with kids (my own included) in the evening.
Can we agree that despite its bar-like nature, Johnny Mack's is fair game for kids until 8pm, after which they are completely verboten?
And that, in deference to the black'n'white tiled wood panelled bar ambiance, the appropriate face for the parent of a misbehaving child should convey the message "I know my demonmonkeychild is fucking up your bar and I'm appropriately mortified but dude there's a GAME ROOM in the back what do you want me to do, tell him he can't come to Johnny Mack's and make him CRY?"
Jesus christ. EPIC... Is this on Park Slope Parents yet??? Can one of you with an account PLEASE send this to their list?
Actually, it'd be even better to see it on a Park Slope Childless Individuals list.
http://plaza.ufl.edu/jamesr83/colinaintreadingallthat.jpg
Hmm this is a good and fair set of laws, for the most part. Kinda skews in favor of the parents though. I think you need a bit more input from the childless. Not being a parent myself, I would vote to lower that 8 o'clock restaurant rule to 7. Also, if the majority of a restaurants entrees cost over $15, I say total child ban. If you can afford Blue Ribbon or Al Di La, you can afford a damn babysitter. The kids don't appreciate the truffle oil anyways.
But yeah, I'd gladly give Johnny Macks to the children, any hour. Turn the thing into a ball pit for all I care.
Day-um. I gotta wait till 10pm to enjoy my dinner at Sette? How am I suppos'd to have enough energy to go home and eff my husband with a big bowl of pasta alla m'atricana sittin in my stomach at 11 o'clock at night??
RJ makes a good point; let's get specific. I'd love to take this a step further and REALLY divide up the turf.
I'm willing to trade (i.e. give up 4 eva) Johnny Mack's, all Tea Lounge locations, and everything else on your list for Sette, Frannies, Blue Ribbon, Hunan Delight (after 7pm), 12th Street Bar & Grill and Beet. All Diners should be considered neutral territory, with the exception of Dizzie's, which I would only ever consider an option if held at gunpoint anyway. We'll stay in our restaurants, and you and your crotch fruit (FAVE new phrase, by the way) stay in yours (unless of course, you're without your double, souped up S class bugaboo, in which case you are more than welcome).
As new restaurants open, we can openly discuss their proposed status (NFK for "no fucking kids" or AFKW for "all fucking kids welcome") and BN and can maintain the master list.
Thoughts?
Wait, they let Puerto Ricans into movies there?
whiskey!
Shiiiit, yall muthafuckas makin me comment from work n shit.
Ok listen, I can see that the constitution is flawed, but gimme a break and take a little responsibility; we're all the founding fathers here.
Take your time, discuss, tawk amongst yourselves, share your feedback, and we'll work to get a final version that we can all live by.
As anon 2:19 suggested, don't be afraid to get specific. Remember that I'm a software engineer, so I'm not afraid to develop a web interface (Google Maps Mashup? Smalltownbrooklyn filter?) allowing us all realtime maintenence of the red/blue states/restaurants/establishments.
Camp David Accords, bitches.
bn
You went to Stuy, didn't you...
One specific question: at what age is a child no longer covered by this declaration (5, 10, 15, 20, 25)?
good question anon 5:06!
Personally, I would say 10 is a good standard, BUT, this is gonna take some self-policing. I was as polite and well behaved as could be at a young age, but everyone is different. Parents, I think you need to ask yourself the following:
Does my child, as a standard practice:
*Yell, kick, or exhibit other tantrum like behavior if/when they do not get their way?
*Throw silverware?
*Communicate via high-pitched dolphin-like shrieking?
*Curse?
*Spit?
*Vomit without warning?
A yes to any of the above (regardless of age) would result in an immediate NFK ruling.
At a basic minimum, I think your children should be able to: read on their own, be comfortable and well versed at using "please" and "thank you," and be able to go to the bathroom without assistance.
What does everyone else think??
(Wow, It's kinda fun not hating each other!)
AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME
Just yesterday in a diner I said to a set of parents, "Can we limit the screaming?" Held the whole restaurant hostage. I figure, If they're gonna ruin my meal, I'm going to ruin theirs.
Side note: Have you ever seen kids run pell-mell in front of handicapped or elderly? You know what I say to parents? "If you're fucken rug rat knocks, I'm suing." And I say "fuck," too.
I'm adding NFK and AFKW to my lexicon RFN
(Oh, and crotchfruit!--thanks, brosti!)
May I add, if your child is screaming at any decible level smacking the shit out of them whilst screaming if you don't stop I'll smack you is not an acceptable way of ending the scream-off. If the parent/nanny/step-parent/co-parent or whatever the fuck the p.c. term is for responsible adult cannot remove the child after an agreed amount of seconds (say 15?) then a staff person/wait person/someone/ANYONE will remove parent and child to another portion of the building. Preferably outside.
I would also allow that language barrier(s) do not constitute an ingorance of the rules.
Where do I sign to make this universal ?
Since I can't get6myself to even say the second and third syllables of your blog title ... I was brought up right and the words still are "that guy" ...
anyhow from your kraut-mick friend in park slope - hallelujah!
copies of bylaws should be stuck under every doorway - no menu sign or whatever, or given to corcoran, brown harris, etc. when doing due diligence on co-op and condo sales in p-s.
fucking hiliarious.
and tell that hag crawford of the blog whose name really won't be said to fix the link to your blog.
This is soooo wonderful! I'm a childless individual and agree to all of the above! We need to remember to be more kind to those that have children and those with children need to be more aware. AWESOME POST! First time I've read your blog and I love it! Look forward to reading the amendments on this constitution! Nice work!
How about this simple rule: if a kid can walk he doesn't need to be in a stroller. I'm tired of seeing soon-to-be-obese 5 year-olds being wheeled around like miniature Ironsides.
Also, I don't like the 10pm restaurant rule. Most places in the Slope won't even serve you after 10, or won't without a grimace & sigh. Deirdre's $15 plate rule is better. I wasn't taken to good restaurants before late adolesence; neither should your kids be.
I realize this is marginally outside of the territory, but could you please designate all of Vanderbilt Ave as NFK?
Do these pancakes come with syrup?
Gawkered!
http://gawker.com/tag/we-hate-your-kids/?i=398042&t=declaration-of-co+dependence-rules-for-urban-babies
But has anyone put this on Park Slope Parents yet?? What the hell is the holdup?
Brilliant blognig! -1st of all you clearly understand the role of father which is impressive (given your moniker and all) - wonder how the Misses feels about you being so honest about their shortcommings
As for 10 = okay as parent I'm fine with a 9:15 cutoff - any earlier and I have to ask - wtf is wrong with you - your single in NYC - why do you need to eat like your at Century Village Boca?
As for the walking=no stroller rule - you are a moron for even suggesting it - you really want to walk behind a 4yr who your are forcing to walk 3 Avenues to the park? - if so tehn clerly you have no place to go - all week. Clearly you dont have kids, dont know how much smaller their legs are and how much more they do in a day then you do sitting on your ass at work.
Why you picking on the P.R's and Hassids? - the movie issue is essentially limited to Blacks
Regarding the no-stroller rule: The point is, I can walk around an ambulatory toddler, thereby SAVING time. Toddlers are supposed to toddle, aren't they? I always walked or was dragged along when I was small. Walking's a good habit to start early - it'll keep those gams slender.
Regarding the Century Village earlybird, believe me, I'd love to eat at 10:30, 11, or midnight.. it's the restaurateurs who won't go along with that.
Can there be a rule about kids & dogs?
As the owner of a small dog, (and no crotchfruit) I can't even easily take my dog to the park (two avenues away) without at least one little kid running up on her and trying to pet/squeeze/kick her, the dog freaking out, me picking her up to control the situation as best I can, and then kid's mom or dad demanding my twelve pound dog be muzzled or killed for daring to bark at their Little Wanderer. Please, always always teach your kids to ASK if they can pet a stranger's dog; I am always happy to introduce her, and she'll wag her tail and maybe even show her belly. You can't expect her to react well when a screaming toddler runs at her when she's taking a shit. I know kids sometimes run ahead, but even small dogs could hurt a little hand. Please spare me any comments about the dog needing to be put to sleep, and I won't suggest, oh, maybe your kid needs a leash. I am paying this bullshit-high rent so I can be close to the park, and dogs like parks, so no, I won't be avoiding your block to save the children.
spectacular.
hilarious.
but WAY too parent-compliant.
no-one is responsible for your kids but you.
stop fucking having kids at zero, and all problems solved.
Holy motherfucking god, you are my new hero. II.b.1 alone has sent me into lather of hatred. I assume jurisdiction of these can be extended to Brooklyn Heights via the proper channels, correct?
1.a.1. You have to address the issue of "corner" decorum. Perhaps there should be a time limit on how long a "quartot" of strollers may block a street corner before it's o.k. for a wishful pedestrian to suggest that they move.
I never realized how talented my single-parent mother was while raising 5 kids in an apartment in Park Slope. We learned to live with other people by not doing what we wanted because she threatened us. Plain and simple, she scared us into compliance. We learned not to run, play ball or jump on the bed in an apartment. We learned how to behave because she made it her job to teach us some manners and there were boundaries that we were not allowed to cross. And these new Park Slopers cannot handle the decision of whether or not little Beowolf should have entre into a bar. We are so screwed!
This is brilliant, although i would say that, as a parent, we should leave the restaurants by 8:30 at the latest. The kid has to have his bath and the adults have to have their peace and quiet.
Being from San Francisco, I'm also uncomfortable with the ethnic stereotypes post here--but still love the rules
Once you are done with Park Slope, you can come to SF and figure out the rules for our foggy city.
shit, i live in nebraska and i'm ready to ratify.
I say we get these restaurant owners to take down the bullshit Zagut crap in their windows and hang up the Declaration of Co-Dependence!
This shit could be monumental...like peace in the Middle East.
I'm envisioning parents with empty strollers (cause their kids are a walkin'!) helping hipsters with heavy packages up Union Street to their studio apartments; or a well behaved 6-year-old and her Mom sharing a table out front at Yogo Monster with kid free couple that just happen to have an extra couple of seats.
Wow, maybe we CAN all get along after all!?
Bravo. This could work universally.
Suggested Addition to II.b.1 - call it II.b.1.a > Dads, since "Clueless slacker Gen-Y waiters" are just that - Clueless - speak to them in clear unambiguous language, "We are here to EAT dinner -- NOT DINE leisurely -- PLEASE bring the food quickly (and try to leave out - 'so we can get out of your f-ing restaurant before the screaming and crying starts!')."
All my kids are adults now so I don't think I have a dog in this fight. But come on didn't we all start as kids? This is the most stupid thing I have ever come across in all my years surfing on the internet. I'll have to remind myself to stay out of Park Slope and just skirt the edges. . . I don't fit in anymore.
Annonymous at 10:33PM are you seriously advising people how to raise their children when you're apparently not even capable of training a dog which has been bred for millennium to be obedient - Amazing and typical
Yet another amendment: Kids in bars during daylight hours should totally be allowed. Low risk of kids getting in the way of potential hookups. Low risk of them getting felled by a staggering drunk.
Note: 7th Avenue books closed, so that leaves kids with only Barnes & Nobles, which will cause them to grow up into narrow readers. I say give them Community Bookstore if they stay in the Children's section, so the money can go to a place that's not so bad.
Also, no changing diapers on the F train (this was truly witnessed...)
Shit, good call anon...
I completely neglected to address breastfeeding and public diaper changing.
Skinny white dude in black jeans here. Childless, newly married. First: I whole heartedly endorse the thought & care that went into the restraunt segregation, especially the exceptions: kids in Pizza Plus, like. Does Rachael's fall under the same criteria as Taqueria? What about "Le Taq" or whatever the eff it is called now? Do they get split like the bookstores? & aren't 7th ave books & Park Slope books both closed now? Questions, questions!
Oh, another topic not addressed that needs fucking DEALT with is nannies. The infamous "nannyjam" (where did I see that diagram?) of two passing ladies locking up the whole sidewalk. & special note: dear nannies, could you at least LOOK like you give a fuck if the kids you are looking after run into traffic?
Another codicil please to the how many on a corner rule. Two strollers side-by-side on the sidewalk and the head humans in charge/nanny/manny blathering on as if they have no idea anyone else need use that space.
IF you're coming behind them a polite excuse me, if you're coming toward them a polite may I pass. If they've got their iPods/mobile headsets on and can't hear you a nudge to the adults as you pass and a glare is appropriate.
I'd assume they'd know better but then I'd be the ass.
More subway rules:
Rush hour is NOT the time to teach junior how to walk down a flight of stairs. Parents will refrain from said lesson during rush hour. In exchange, non-parents will not trample your child trying to catch the express train.
Also, a subway car is NOT your living room or a playground. Your child is not entitled to a seat, other than your lap (this used to be a law in NYC; it's why they don't charge for kids to ride public transport). If there is a seat for your child, said child is to keep their damn feet off the seat! If I'm stuck standing because junior simply MUST have a seat to himself, when I do get to sit, I don't want the filth from the bottom of his shoes all over the ass of my work clothes. This is especially relevant when it's raining or snowing.
If your child is standing, they will refrain from climbing the bars, swinging around the center pole or running in an empty car.
How about a little adult solidarity? Yup, if you see a kid running away while mom is trying to pay for something at the counter, or removing all the napkins from the holder while mom is struggling to strap the baby into the stroller, tell the kid to 'cut it out".
And parents, accept this help with grace, not as some implicit questioning of your inner most being, parenting philosophy, etc. Do not get angry, shout or give dirty looks. Keep it in perspective. It's not going to hurt your kid to get snapped at and it will probably do them some good not to to have everything be about you and them. And please, just because someone talks to your child does not make them dangerous or a child molester. This is a community - at least potentially.
Besides, kids are harder to control if they can play one adult against another. If we ganged up on them they'd think twice about antisocial behavior.
And for those people who treat children as an alien species you need to get over yourselves. Actually you need to grow up. You were a child once. You don't have to love every kid but as an adult in our society - assuming you have a basis regard for your fellow human beings and you'd like to see society continue - you do have a basic responsibility yes, a RESPONSIBILITY not to be an asshole.
If we all expected and enforced good behavior in public things would be eaiser for everyone.
Amusing post, but really most of Park Slope is populated by self-centered douche bags (parents and childless individuals alike) who really do think the world revolves around them. They talk too much, have no obvious manners and (this is very important) are freakishly insane assholes to waiters and anyone else unfortunate enough to have to serve them. But hey, it beats living in Hoboken.
Wow, like someone read my mind.
I left The Slope about 4 years ago (yeah, I broke up with the Korean guy I was living with on 8th Ave and 10th Street...Har!!! Kidding!!!) and I thought it was bad then. Many's the time I was sitting in a cafe in completely appropriate proximity to my table (that is, not blocking the passage provided by the restaurant's design and layout)and found my chair rammed HARD by an enormous stroller. I'd look up, expecting the standard "sorry," "pardon me," or even a polite "couldja scoot in a bit?" but instead would find a glare from a once-cute, now miserable wrung-out, harridan who is pissed AT ME because the foamy/crusty things in that stroller took less than 18 months to such the cute right out of her forever. And she's going to take it out on me, AND her kids by using them as a battering ram? Oh, hell no. I'm an asshole, so I would stay right where I was and remark in a normal speaking voice to my companion, "As I was saying, it's a completely reasonable law - anyone born without the dexterity to push a stroller through a restaurant should be sterilized at puberty...simple as that!" And when someone looked at me beseechingly for help with their tank-like stroller up the stairs, I would cheerily comment "Oooo, shoulda thought of that before you got knocked up, slut!!!" (borrowed from a comedian I saw once, but so fitting) and skip, in all my unencumbered glory, up the stairs. (My Mom and my sister can handle their own shit, btw, so your analogy fails on me).
Yeah, it was almost worth staying in Park Slope for the delicious hate...but I moved to Inwood...to have kids. Kidding again!!! But, seriously, dedicated Northern Manhattanites...visit Park Slope and take a good hard look at your future. I saw it coming about a year ago and sadly bid farewell to otherwise lovely Park Terrace East, FO-evah. I can still hear the relentless thump thump thump of tiny legs against the bottom of a booth at the Piper's freakin Kilt of all places, interspersed with the thundering silence of a parent that should have been saying "Stop kicking, sweetie, that bothers people." Is that soooo hard? Parents? Really?
Love, Love, LOVE the rules, but I thought I might put my two cents in concerning ll.b.1. I put myself through college serving tables for four years, and thought I might give a little tip to help with this situation. Understand that you are not the only table in the restaurant. The ten minutes we spend hovering over your table while you repeatedly ask your toddler "chicken or steak?" is taking up the time we'll need to refill sippy cups, clean up the macaroni noodles Jr has thrown on the floor and make sure the kitchen has correctly altered the dish to your 4 yr old's demands. This process is happening at the four other tables around you (who also haven't taught their kids the words "please and thank you") as well, so if you don't have time to wait for a "clueless slacker Gen-Y waiter" then buy the kid a happy meal and stay at home.
Bitter? No, I'm not bitter. What makes you think that?
Park Slope Books closed months ago and is now a kid's clothing store so I think we can let kids in now.
And parents, accept this help with grace... Do not get angry, shout or give dirty looks...It's not going to hurt your kid to get snapped at and it will probably do them some good not to to have everything be about you and them. And please, just because someone talks to your child does not make them dangerous or a child molester. This is a community - at least potentially."
anon 12:40
Brilliant! I agree entirely, but unfortunately too many parents are in denial about their own self-absorbed parenting bullshit. Once again, BN has it right; without a rulebook, we are left powerless. The one time I disciplined a kid, the mom did the, "Tell the lady you're sorry" crap. No, mother of brat, YOU apologize to me. And don't chat on your cell phone and smile while your kid ignores you, and leaves me standing there stupidly.
BN-Dunno where it fits, but all adults should have the right to speak to the offending parent and not be glared at. No more "Say you're sorry," that insincere hiccup is meaningless. I need the parent to aplogize. And mean it.
i disagree, as a father of 2, with exempting PRs and dominicans from any of this shit. they let their kids play in the gutter - literally. they travel in packs on the subway with multiple strollers. there kids are often dirty. they NEED your instruction and discipline blog negroe - please. make one of these in nuyorican and plaster it over delancey street, bushwick, east harlem and the South BX. thanks for your time.
oh - and I fucking hate park slope - not cause of the kids, but the entitled white haggy moms' chattering about granola. they can all FUCK off. the kids are cool with me.
This post definitely has its merits, but isn't everyone getting bored with this topic in general? I'm so, so, so sick of Park Slope inspiring so little other conversation.
I'd love to see other topics in the universe addressed rather than seeing the same rants over and over on all major Brooklyn blogs.
Isn't it time we expanded our minds a bit and maybe talked about things that are more interesting? How about the shitty economy? What about particle physics? Please, something new!
overall, sounds pretty reasonable. i'll try to take the stick out of my ass if you stick to the rules. one request though, please use the word "child-free" rather than "childless." it's not PC, just more accurate: freedom, not lack.
Hey, BN. Very heterocentrist of you. Not surprising, but after all, it was our queer asses that opened up and gentrified he damn 'hood 'fore all the white straight kids moved in and the landlords jacked the rent. (Still don't understand why nice black folk like you like livin' here.) Enough about the mother-father roles... ain't you seen enough lesbian stroller moms taking up the sidewalk?
Love that you've addressed these issues and agree with most (especially the stroller-related tenets), but do feel you skew a bit towards those with devil-spawn.
I made the investment in home theater long ago to escape the general publicans, and totally agree with Deirdre on the babysitting issue and entrée price filter. As Jeremiah pointed out, many of us are willfully child-free, not child-less. Your kid is cute to you all the time, but cute to me only when sleeping or past the age of seven.
got my vote. couple thoughts: on weekends we breeders need a bit of slack, for some it's our only opportunity to get out. also, the early restaurant cut off suggestions are a bit absurd to the non-trustafarian breeders-- who (with a job) gets home early enough to have dinner out by 7:30 much less be finished with it by then? and finally, a plea to the smug smarty pants gonna-make-partner-better-things-to-do-than-procreate non breeders: please reconsider -- idiots reproduce at an alarming rate. if you're that superior, it's your civic duty, nay, humanitarian duty, to reproduce, lest "idiocracy" become Orwellian-ly accurate.
Any idiot who snaps at my three-year old child because he doesn't like my kid chasing the pigeons on the street is lucky if they only get a glare from me. Challenge me and any other dad you impotent motherfuckers, you limp-dicks will get your jaw broken.
Have a nice day!
Holy Crap am I glad I don't live in Park Slope.
That place is far too scary. I would far rather walk through Brownsville or East New York where the people are nice.
Please don't you all move to my neighborhood, which is only one neighborhood over from PS. Please, just stay there.
Wheat-free penne!!! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL!!! THAT'S FUNNY!!!!
I'll use the odious "childfree" if you stop with "breeder", "crotchfruit", "devil spawn" or just plain old "spawn".
I reserve the right for all of us to apply the term "asshole" when it is so richly deserved.
BTW BN, you'll never get the "child-free" to ratify. Being child-free isn't about all the things you can do or be without the responsiblity of a family; it's narcissism as a lifestyle.
People who chose not to have children in the past were never so petty and self-absorbed make it their whole identity. Nor did they feel the need to denigrate people who did have children.
The "child-free" are incapable being part of a peaceful community of all sorts of people because without the spector of parents and children to rant about they'd simply cease to exist.
PS This isn't about having a go at people who don't have kids. Having kids is not the be all and end all and it's great that some people don't. why would anyone pass judgement on a chioce that personal? This is about having a go at people who have made it into their reason for being. It's utterly reactionary and frankly just a bit sad.
BN, as a parent who likes to drink, and especially likes to drink in bars, I ask you to allow me to do so (with my kid present) before 6 o'clock. People who get sloppy and/or are looking to hook up before 6 don't deserve my consideration.
This is especially true of bar/restaurants.
You, sir, are a genius. But you need a proofreader.
I hope you are working on a movie deal, this could be the "You've got mail" of the 00's. "Jill (Kate Hudson. Oops. Eva Mendes) is the most obnoxious mom pushing the biggest single-child stroller in Park Slope. She spars with child-free Jack (Matthew McConaughey, er, Will Smith) over the new Declaration of Co-dependence he has written. When Jill's aging indie movie producer husband (P Diddy) leaves her for his [something hipper than yoga] instructor, she [plot device missing] ends up spending lots of time with Jack. 45 minutes of lifestyle porn and a subplot involving Jack's dog later you have a Golden Globe nomination! Of course nobody can say "fuck" or even "crotchfruit" (which would make people in the midwest queasy) but the ScriptWizard in the new MS Office should have no trouble finding substitutes
LOVE THIS! Great work! Too bad it's too profane to link to my blog.
This is absolutely brilliant and right on the money, but i still voted Fuck Park Slope, from a former slopian who could no longer afford to live there!
My addition: Don't block the curb cuts at the corner. This applies both to stroller-pushing parents or nannies and to Childless Individuals. If are standing at a curb cut with your head up your ass, as soon as you see a stroller, a wheelchair, or an individual pushing any form of wheeled cart or dolly, make the effort to take a step (quickly) to the left or right of the curb cut to let them get out of the street.
As Anon July 7, 2008 10:33 PM suggested, we must address the dog issue.
First of all, let's be honest here--reasonable: dogs, like children, are not totally controllable. I know that the Dog Whisperer makes it all look easy and inevitable, but dog owners know that dogs do not always behave predictably--particularly in situations that are new and/or unexpected.
Personally, in my six years of Park Slope and three years of dog ownership, I have found that Park Slope children are pretty well behaved when it comes to dogs in general and my dogs in particular.
But here's the thing, I don't have children, and therefore my dogs are not totally accustomed to them. Normally they don't have a problem with children and they even enjoy romping with them when they visit or during off-leash hours at the Park. But sometimes, children do things that startle my dogs. For example, if a child runs up to one of my dogs screaming "DA! DA! DAAAAAHHHH!" waving his/her hands, sometimes, my dog gets nervous and starts barking. He's just expressing his nervousness about the situation.
Another example: I was in the Park a month ago in the late afternoon in the Long Meadow (yes my dogs were leashed.) It was a hot day, and we stopped at the dog fountain to let them have a drink of water. A small child was playing with a plastic car in the muddy mire created by the fountains. As my dog was drinking water out of the dog fountain, the kid drove his car upside my dog's head saying, "No! No!" My dog didn't bark at or bite the kid, but I could tell that he was hella surprised. The kid reared back for another drive by, and I put my hand in front of the car to prevent little Dale Earnhardt III from Indy 500ing my dog again. The kid started making these moan-y grunts that I guess were his version of whining. His mom came over from 50 feet away where she had been reading on a blanket and tensely asked "What is going on?" I explained the situation (and I was nice about it) and she huffily said "Well next time, just call me over and I'll deal with it." Next time? Are you kidding me? Doesn't she know that Hot Wheel-smacking dogs is one of the three signs of future serial killers?
Anyway, it doesn't seem unreasonable to request that Park Slopers teach their children to ask before touching a dog they don't know and to respect a dog owner's request not to touch their dog. Thinking the owner is an idiot for not training their dog to Nazi-like obedience is not to be much of a consolation to you, Dave, if your child gets bitten because she didn't ask before touching a nervous dog. I nearly had the lower half my face ripped off by a testy Samoyed that I insisted on petting when I was four, and 35 years later, I still have a small scar on the right side of my mouth where the plastic surgeon sewed my upper lip back on.
dude, I have 2 kids, and you are pretty much right on for both sides of the issue.
B&N is a total circus, but, come on, Community Bookstore has a children's section, with some great books!
And yes! too many morons refuse to give up seats for pregnant women. Where are their manners? A little give and take is key here....
What about a rule about letting little children and mothers with babies have a seat on the bus? I mean, come on, the kids are on their way to and from school! They are too little to walk that whole way, but you are only riding for a few blocks! Get off and walk! Do you really want to see a little 3 year old fall on the floor and get a concussion when the bus driver lurches to a stop because you were too lazy to stand up for a few blocks?
This is brilliant, I would ratify it! I would like to request an amendment be added addressing the inappropriateness of public breastfeeding. what are your thoughts on the park slope mommies that whip it out and give junior his breakfast while standing on a sidewalk corner on their cell phones?
7 Deadly Retorts from Those who are Single, Baby Free, and Proud of It
(straight from the mouths of Babes of Hard-Working hetero Female Gen Y-ers without dog-man-baby surrogates...) some of us are also those waiters who don't *chop chop* to it *>;}*
1. What gives you the right to procreate in times like this? Oh, it must be your ivy-league book club, wine drinking, brown stone smelling god given right (all because you live in the slope: DON'T COME TO BUSHWICK or WILLIAMSBURG PLEASE we don't want you
2. Social Interest doesn't mean shit to parents when they expect it on automatic from people under 30 who are childless and proud of it. You earn ours, you'll get yours.
3. When I bid you to tell your child to "keep it down" know that I don't really care what hormonal changes your wife is going through. I'm just as hormonal during that time of the month, what makes her so special?
4. I give my seat up for preggos all the time, but when push comes to shove I'd rather give it to the elderly any day.
5. I challenge all Slopers to treat the homeless as well as they treat there stupid dog man surrogates and baby strollers.
6. As per Baby strollers, why ARE THEY SO FUCKING BIG? If you want us to be nice, decrease, decrease, decrease, YES I'm in a rush, YES I have to pay my rent and be there on time, and NO I don't have 30 seconds to waste....so get the fuck out of my way and your little fucktard dog too.
7. If a tree falls in the forest does anyone hear it falling? If your tantrum riddled blubbering child falls, trips, or hits his head in front of me while your too busy buying your latte should I be responsible? Hell No.
I helped a hasidic woman with a stroller and two critters down the stairs towards the L train yesterday. I help whenever I can...its not the children I loathe, its the entitled parents who hate my generation that I abhor and dedicate this post too. Why don't you go to Nebraska or Upstate?
@anonymous 1:06am
Make sure you save a copy of the comment you just posted - then review it again in 10 years when you've BECOME the EXACT people you're criticizing.
You'll have a belly laugh. Don't worry - it happened to me too.
Watch it happen tutz. remember me!
Anonymous 1:06
Your arguments don't entirely make sense, not logically or grammatically.
Take this statement: "Social Interest doesn't mean shit to parents when they expect it on automatic from people under 30 who are childless and proud of it"
That we expect certain things automatically (note the adverb) is the whole point about things in which there is a social interest.
It's not about the individuals involved, it's about what they represent for all of us, i.e. the future. You don't have to love individual parents and children but they have a right to expect it a certain minimum standard of respect and humanity on your part. Unearned.
Whether you like it or not, we as a society understand the intrinsic value of children. We set aside resources for them, build schools, we protect them. That doesn't mean their parents should behave like assholes but they do have a right to expect you to remove your head from your ass long enough to avoid trampling them and to generally treat them like human beings.
Oops I forgot... you give up your seat and carry strollers once in a while. Oh the benevolence! The generosity! Surely you are wise to remind us of homeless people (because that's really the point, not this silly discussion about parents and kids after all)!
Child-free and proud! A Waiter-from-Bushwick-who-accommodates-the people-he-waits-on/pregnant-women/people-with-strollers-when-it-suits-him. And proud!
Hark! He "bids" us quiet the child and we shall comply instantly. Surely the wine-drinking Brownstone "smelling" (perhaps you meant "dwelling") god is a false idol. Because it's clear the world revolves around YOU. If only we could all be like YOU.
Amen.
Holy shit anon 10:40 - that was good.
Thanks, now I don't even need to respond.
genius.
But the exception to a rule I excect, is the one about bicycles. Just this morning, while riding to work I got a flat and had to take my bike on the train so I could a) not get fired since just getting the flat makes you late, and b) get home without abandoning the bike in some random neighborhood between brooklyn and midtown. The point being, sometimes every asshole needs the benefit of the doubt.
However, much like the embarrased partner of an aisle-blocking-stroller, making it clear to the invconvienienced that you know you are inconvieniencing them is a good idea.
Good proposal, glad to see people working on it.
Meanwhile, to the douche somewhere back there who called childfree folks 'narcissistic', um, what? Seems to me that your conviction to raise more of you is the height of narcissism.
Please do not use my childfree status to question my commitment to the world. Given dwindling resources and growing populations, you should be fricking thrilled that I've not had children so that you and yours may possibly have a bit more to suck down.
I don't spend my time judging you for having children. Meanwhile, I'm getting sick and tired of being told I'm somehow falling short of my duties or development as a woman because I have not had children (and am still ambivalent on the matter). It is possible to be complete without children. It's also possible to be giving and care about the world community without children-- in fact, I suspect I have far more time for my activism because I don't have the energy drained from me (I concede that child rearing takes a lot out of a person).
So try not to be so smug and I'll try not to kick your complacent face in. :)
i have to admit this is pretty fucking good. my biggest objection - how can i remove my kid from a dining area within 60 seconds? first i have to at least try to shut him up. and if i scoop him up and leave then the other kid will be left to roam free torturing the other diners. also in my hormone-riddled sleep-deprived state i might not even *hear* the screaming until at least 20 seconds have gone by.
oh also - let the kids into community books. barnes and noble is good for the child circus scene but it's also kid-crack and the number one instrument for indoctrination of kids into the bullshit we call mass culture. nothing with buttons that play songs or a toy camera attached should be called a book.
Ellen:
I will conceed the time limit is excessive and I agree that sometimes parents are so used to the noise they don't realize it is a bother. (I am childfree by choice, btw) How about this, if you (the parent) hear a complaint either from a patron or waitstaff and/or the words cut it out or I'll give you something to scream over (or some such) have reached your lips and/or it's gone on long enough that your ears bleed?
I agree sometimes children let one shreeeeeek and it's over, annoying yes, enough for me to start a civil disobeidence until the child is removed, not so much.
To me it is the continued, unchecked, unstopped or unmoved child that is the issue. The child is doing what the child does naturally, fuss, complain, scream and get bored. All the things we adults get just usually at a louder sharper pitch it is the lack of parental/nanny/manny/adult stopping, removing etc that is the annoyance.
I'm reading this from Pittsburgh. People in Park Slope require so many rules. What the hell is wrong with you people?
I side, frankly, with the childfree adults, of which I am one, and by choice. There's a woman in my apartment building whose kid runs, jumps and rides her Big Wheels trike in the apartment. The woman in the apartment below had the utter temerity -- the nerve! -- to ask the mom in the upstairs apartment if she might prevent the child from creating a living hell for those beneath.
The mom became furious, and lectured the noise-battered woman about how her child "needed to express herself," and how she had no intention of "curbing her child's naturally exuberant behavior."
So much for co-op rules about "quiet enjoyment" of one's apartment. If parents today cannot comprehend that other people have rights, and that respecting the rights of others comes before allowing their kids to disrupt someone else's home, then a couple a guys named Cheech and Vinnie should be hired to pay a call on them after midnight, some night, with a couple of baseball bats...not to use force, you understand, but just to impress upon them, in a vivid way, the need to be good neighbors.
BTW, BN, can we also get a Bill of Rights about rock music being played at jet-engine decibels until my floors and furniture vibrate? And about people saying, in response to my complaint: "You want quiet? Go live in the country, where you can have your own house. You're living in the city, and people are allowed to listen to music!" To which my response has always been: "You can listen to anything you fucking want! You wanna blow your fucking eardrums out, knock yourself out! But I don't expect to have to listen to YOUR music in MY apartment! You like loud music? Try earphones...that way we'll both be happy."
This might be a good discussion for your next blog...
anonymous 2:05
I know this is difficult concept for the narcissistic but having a child is not about creating another YOU.
Even if you wanted it to be, the illusion only lasts a few seconds. Children are unique and individual. They aren't YOU and they certainly don't always do what YOU would like them to.
BTW, anyone who tells you that you are "somehow falling short of my duties or development as a woman because I have not had children." is an idiot and should be ignored. But frankly, having BTDT for a very long time in far more sexist places than here I find this very hard to believe. I rarely encountered that attitude, or maybe I just ignored it because I hadn't constructed my whole identity around whether I had children or not.
No, having children is not the pinnacle of human existence. Yes, people should enforce basic standards of behavior in their children and they shouldn't go on the offensive just because someone raises a perfectly legitimate complaint.
But this "child-free" crap is so damn petty and self serving. Having children is not a pathological condition any more than not having children is. It's nobody's business but your own. Really, nobody cares (except maybe you?)
All most people want is to live their lives unmolested. That means both parents and people who don't have children should be a little more empathetic, a little more considerate.
But I can tell you that it's hard to be considerate of people who regard your children merely as walking carbon footprints sucking resources from the planet, who refer to you as "breeders" and your children as "crotch spawn". Not to mention the ones who think you should go into some sort of 18-year purda in the suburbs so as not to spoil the "child-free" urban playground of the people-who-never-grew-up. BUT I TRY.
I am the person who didn't run you over with a stroller. I am the person who appologized when my kid was obnoxious. I am the person who removed my child from the restaurant. I am the person who covered the apartment floor in play foam mats for 5 years to muffle the noise.
But none of that matters. I'm still the person you refer to as a "F*cking breeder" (usually muttered under your breath, coward) because it's not really about me. It's all about YOU.
But you know, I'm still going to try. I'm still going to go out of my way to be considerate because that at least is about ME.
Bullshit alert on V.a.2. If moms can't make the "ain't he cute" face, and non-kid folks can't give the "mere inconvenience deserves RAGE!" glare (b