Thank god for OTBKB alerting me to this great note from Park Slope Parents. I get too infuriated reading the list myself, so I'm grateful to astute readers who keep directing me to the good stuff:
Last year the Child Evangelism Fellowship handed out candy and coloring books but asked the kids first if they accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior.
This national para-church comes to urban playgrounds through local church sponsorship with the sole purpose of converting children. It is actually very difficult to discern if the proselyzers(sic) are CEF because they seem to hide behind their local sponsorship.
HA! I have a good way to discern: if a strange adult is talking to my kid in the park, he gets a punch in the DICK. Period. Who gives a shit about discerning where these wingnuts are from.
I also love how the woman (!) has to preemptively apologize and disclaim that she has nothing against Fundamentalist Christians. Well, I do– And so should you; They're fucking retarded! Jeez, she's lucky it isn't muslims proselytizing: She wouldn't be allowed to post ANY dissension whatsoever.
Anyway, for the sake of your own protection, in the festive colors of Independence, I'd like to present you with the Top Ten things you can do to fuck with the Child Evangelism Fellowship in your local playground:
10. When they approach your child, shout "Careful! That thing's gay!"
9. On your child's forehead, just below the hairline, use a pinpoint blue marker to draw a tiny 666
8. Ask them if nigger babies are allowed to join.
7. Dress your child like this, and give them a pisscross to play with.
6. When they try to give your child a jesus coloring book say "Please, no menus" (works great con latinos y latinas and the rare Asian proselytizer!)
5. Tell them, "I'm glad you're here - for some reason he hasn't wanted to go back to church since Father Finnegan gave him a rim job."
4. Tell them that unless they're prepared to prove they can manipulate matter and energy like Tom Cruise, you can't even guarantee them a spot in the running for your family's next religion.
3. Thank them, but explain that Rowan isn't allowed to have candy until he's finished all of his Christian child's blood.
2. When they approach, say to your daughter: "oooh, Meegan, this nice man has the best fairy tale of all!"
1. Wear your trusty Star o' David prominently, and when they approach your child tell them: "Daniel's not saved, he's chosen."
13 comments:
Fucking YES mate - hilarious
Made my fucking weekend you cunt. Happy 4th. I'm sure your lazy ass won't be posting till monday, so enjoy.
Or as my friend Bob Fossil once said, you can say
"I Hate Whites"
We all do Bob, we all do.
Yes Blognigger, I SAY YES BLOGNIGGER!!! These annoying evangelists regularly come to our playgrounds uptown and set up amplifiers, etc. and begin their churchy puppet shows.
Once there were all these ultra-white kids clearly from the heartland, I guess on a mission to save Dominicans from Rome. They seemed to think that New York has no laws.
I ALWAYS tell these fuckers to get lost. All the playgrounds have a list of "Donts." No adults without children, no amplification, no soliciting... I call the police if they won't get out.
I FUCKING HATE THOSE ASSHOLES!!!!
Thanks, Blognigger!
Dear Blognigger,
I'm one of those Christians you're writing about. I don't go to playgrounds, but I try and live a life that's forgiving, understanding, compassionate and loving.
It grieves me that you can't find anything to do with your life except write anger. I'm reading a trliogy on the civil war and what your ancestors went through. I can't imagine the horror and yet they managed to sing. Hope you find something in your life to sing about. Thanks for listening.
Ona
Hi Ona -
Thanks for posting. Great to have you here-
Wondering if you can please give me an honest answer to a serious question:
How do you feel about homosexuals and Jews?
Thanks again
amelia
I can fully understand why you wouldn't want your child approached by a religious fundamentalist, but there is no need to disrespect other's beliefs for sport. I am a former southern baptist, turned quaker, now questioning it all middle aged black woman. Ease up on the Jews, man. No need to go there. Just out the person who approaches your child and call it a day.
Hi Ona and anonymous 8:56pm
With all due respect, you appear to be part of a new influx of readers of this blog, and thus not familiar with the context of the stuff that gets said around here.
This is a place where people come to laugh and share frustrations with politically correct culture.
Ona - Blognigger has plenty to sing about. We have an extremely good time here on this website, laughing about things that frustrate us, and enjoying the things that we enjoy. Your comment is very patronizing, under the guise of being "loving and understanding" - and frankly you're not doing a whole lot for the perception of Christians that most of us have around here.
Anonymous 8:56pm - Blognigger has nothing against the jews. I daresay you haven't read the post closely enough.
Have a good time while you're here, and try to relax.
I'm so happy I found this blog. As I reflect on the dichotomy of religious freedom in a secular state this Independence Weekend I wonder - why are these idiots allowed to proselytize in our public parks?
My kids go to the park to get fresh air, play on the swings, run around and express themselves as children.
You wanna believe that your religion is based on eating wafers (flesh) and drinking wine (blood) and ressurection and all that other 'acceptable insanity', then that's fine. Being able to practise your insanity without persecution is what America is about. But for Chrissakes, keep it at home or in your church, and kindly limit yourself to poisoning the brains of your own children, not mine.
Good Nice blog
Hey, Cable Guy, thanks for the orientation. The post from Archie brought back a memory from when my son was 5 years old and made me, in one comment, reevaluate a lifetime of christian brainwashing. He was in Epsicopal pre-school (it had the best program in the small town in Florida where we lived) and every Thursday the children went over to the sanctuary to pray or something.
He started telling me this story about going to church where they ate you and made you bleed. In his five year old mind it was like a horror movie. He was terrified, I was at first confused, and then amused. He went to public school after that and thrived...
Hey there, BN! Whelp, it's 4th of July Weekend, and all the OTHER caucasians appear to have been Raptured up out of Park Slope. I looked up into the sky, and all I could see was the bottoms of their sneakers. So anyway, here's my question. Did I miss a cracker memo of some kind? Is it well known among brown people that for at least one long weekend a year everyone can barbeque in the park in peace without being bothered by all the white folks? I don't mind, I'm just curious.
@Brosti
Went for a run around the park late this afternoon and thought the same thing. Glad you have the honesty to point it out!
I guess it's as simple as this - most white people, especially in the slope, have the money to get out for 4th of July weekend. If you look at the kind of darks that are monopolizing the park right now (8:57pm Sat) you'll see that they're all relatively poor darks. It's not like it's condi rice and the guy who founded Studio Archetype, know what I mean?
So yeah, I think it's as simple as that. It's about money again. Truly, the "niggers" are the only ones left in the neighborhood - where "niggers" is not meant in the racial sense... Hey Brosti enjoy: tonight, you're a nigger! Oh well, could be worse.
It's nice out there tonight - not that I'd go out there myself - again, those darks smell the whiteness within me, and their condescending stares would make my life miserable.
The king oughta be able to read that without his spectacles;
To freedom!
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