Listen, I'm glad everyone is taking the Declaration seriously; I'm being careful not to be alarmist here, but if you had ignored my warnings on this we all probably would have wound up FUCKING DEAD.
One more round of applause for Gawker for its crucial role in raising team consciousness about these sorts of critical social issues.
Now, it's good to see both species getting along nicely in the comments section - but before we start kissing each others nuts and settling down for a game of "whose is mushier," let's take a second to look at the work that is still before us:
- Take until Friday to finish recommending concrete shit that you want in the Declaration. Be Specific! Take the general comments e.g. "Park Slope has too many kids!" print them out, stuff them into a condom, swallow it, have a coffee and watch a Tivo'ed episode of Lost, and then pull your comments out of your stool.
- Please review the existing comments and complain about ones you think are stupid. Suggest alternatives.
- I'll condense the amendments over the weekend.
- We can have a final arguing session on Monday, and then we'll publish the final document.
- We have them printed and pay an asian delivery guy to deliver them like menus to every house in the neighborhood.
This happened because there were no goddamn rules. The situation was left open to interpretation because there was no stern, enforceable, standard operating procedure:
The father was not fulfilling his duty to make sure that the mother was constantly reminded of objective outside forces. Left to her own processing, the exhausted park slope mom, near suicide because she couldn't physically bear having to fight with her daughter screaming and screaming in the damn Mclaren any longer, just let her poor child wander around like she was surrounded by servants with soft pillows strapped to their chests, instead of hardened black criminals. LOOK AT THE FUCKING RESULTS.
And aside from litigious shitstirring, look at the kind of subsequent indignities the dancers had to face as soon as the film stopped rolling:
oh snap son - is the girl ok?
you monkeys danced your monkeydance right into her goddamn head!
(the adrenaline created in this situation is chemically identical to truth-syrum. See Harriet Christian for more information.)
We have to get these rules right before all our Children, Parents, AND Childless Individuals are repeatedly kicked in the head by gigantic blacks.
Okay, enough of this political shit - I gotta go get my minstrel suit back on and crank out some more Blagrid stories before the oldschoolers get restless.
peace.
9 comments:
Alright, I brought it up in the original post but I'll digest it & spit it back out here: the N-word. Nanny.
Nannies (line by line amendments-- I'll dub then #.X.n as a placeholder).
1.a.n Nannies. You are actually here. You are not hallucinating. Please stop standing in gaggles on corners forcing folks to detour all around your clique. There isn't anything wrong with hanging out with your friend on the job. Just do it in the park, or out of the way somewhere. Don't hold the sidewalk hostage.
Universal Axiom.n: The opposite of "Isn't it cute" face. Nannies: acknowledge the existance of your wards. You are being paid to make sure that kid doesn't run into traffic, & presumably acts semi-tolerable. Nannies: you are in charge of abiding by the tenants of the Declaration while you are on the clock.
Subway addendums
VI.a.1 For extra points, if get up to give your seat to whoever gets up to let a pregnant lady sit down. Chain of benevolence.
VI.a.2 Also, no one wants to hear your ringtone. Shut up your cell phone, dude.
VI.a.4 Childless, if a parent gets on with a kid, & you have an empty spot, slide over so they can sit next to one another. Other childless-- if you see someone get up to let a parent-child combo sit, slide over & make space so they can sit back down.
I picked something else out of my stool.
Do you still want it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OH fuck that made my day. Blognigger you rule mang. what a cute little white football that kid made!
My cat points out: who rides shotgun on the dude + dude &, more importantly for the Slope, lady + lady couplings? Who keeps who in check?
How many times can I vote for the Declaration?
No juvenile spawn in Community Bookstore is bullshit.
An addition is needed regarding bicycles on sidewalks. Now an adult riding a bike on the sidewalk pisses me right the hell off, unless, of course, he's bringing me takeout. But when I've got my sprog in the ol' CoPilot, I neglect the sacred rules of civility and ride right up there on the sidewalk - but very, very slowly. Does this warrant an addition to the Declaration?
I support the declaration, but speaking of bikes on the sidewalk, I have a couple of amendments. Now technically, I'd prefer to never have to deal with bikes on the sidewalk (and I think the law is on my side here) but I would be willing to agree to the following rules:
1) If you are a child 10 years or under and are accompanied by your parent or guardian it is fine to ride your bike on the sidewalk (except on 7th and 5th Aves--See #3)
2) It is okay for people of any age to ride their bikes on the sidewalk on all streets during the week (except for 5th and 7th Aves). On the weekends, you are restricted to the street.
3) Seventh and 5th Avenue sidewalks btwn Prospect and Flatbush are forbidden for bike riding for ANYONE at any time (except for the blocks in front of and around 321 where children are allowed on their bikes). It is hard enough to walk down those streets navigating the cripples just released from the hospital, the various strollers, razor scooterers, dog walkers, outdoor cafes, and all that display crap that the stores insist on shoving outside their front door.
4) While cycling on West or East Drive around the interior of the Park, if you approach a red light at an intersection, and someone needs to cross the street, you need to accept that it is their right to do so; in fact, THE LAW IS ON THEIR SIDE. In these circumstances, (once again, you have a RED light, they have the walk signal) you need to slow down and swerve around the crossing pedestrians--you don't even have to stop (I'm willing to make this concession.) What you do not get to do is plow through the red light yelling "WATCH IT! WATCH IT WATCH IT" in a pissed off tone at some exhausted and hot parent or dog walker just because you are trying to beat yesterday's time.
Obviously races are exceptions, and dog walkers and families with children have to be respectful and wait for all the cyclists to whoosh by before attempting to cross over to Long Meadow.
Oh, here is one:
Parents: don't fucking look at me with scorn when I don't wait for the signal to turn from "Don't Walk" to "Walk." You be your kid's role model. I'm walking here. So chill out with the dagger glare.
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