Blognigger vs. Cuil

Here's half an easter egg: I don't currently work for Google, but I have spent years working extensively with their engineers and other members of their organization in a professional capacity. Deep within my fucked-up self, I have a monster blogpost waiting to hit the internets, all about how horrible Google is to work with, what a bunch of brainwashed arrogant enslaved little fuckwads they are, and how one day they will crumble and be devoured by a billion lawsuits – Unfortunately, most of their software is fucking awesome, and I'll have to wait until I no longer depend on them for $0.45 a day in order to really tear them a new cockhole.

My point in telling you all this is that I really wanted to love Cuil – I would LOVE for Google's demise to be made hyper-imminent by a bunch of whiny ex-employees disgruntled because Sergey stopped givin' em free daycare. No dice - Cuil sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls and is set to become iconic of failure like the twenty-first century boo.com.

The greatest thing about their story is that after spending 36 million dollars in vc funding, they clearly did not have a single real person use their site for a day (We replaced Google with Folger's Crystals!) and report on the problems they encountered. What fuckin hubris, and what a hunk of shitty software it hath spawned.

Wait – no – that's not the greatest thing. The greatest thing is that what Cuil touts as being its
edge over Google, the founding principle upon which all of this 36 million dollars was spent, turns out to be the very cause of their downfall: We search MORE webpages. Ha: This is absolutely what happens when the pigheaded, elitist mentality of a software engineer is allowed to run wild without being put in check by the evil pointy-headed business guys from Dilbert. FAIL:

We search MORE webpages.

Guess what: That's the opposite of what the consumer wants. MORE webpages?! I want LESS webpages! When I search for something, I want 3 results MAXIMUM - and I need them to be the stuff I actually want - not results taken from the 50% of world-wide-web that is so useless that Google doesn't even index it.

MORE webpages?! The whole point is that there are too MANY fucking webpages, and I want the results culled down to what I actually need. MORE webpages?! Why didn't ANYONE stop these guys!?

Here are some of the most awesome FAILS for Cuil:

1) Need to find a restaurant? Let's try Dizzy's Park Slope: Google vs. Cuil

-vs-

HA. Fucking Fail. Incredible.

2) Need to find the latest cool shit you seen? Judge Judy Earthquake Video: Google vs. Cuil.

Cuil: NO results found?!?! Fail!

3) Need to learn to do some badass shit? Burning Dvds: Google vs. Cuil.

Ha! Try typing that one in - even after the Auto completion recognizes the phrase "Burning Dvds" Cuil finds NO Results!!! EPIC Fail!

4) Cuil won't correct spelling! They couldn't even rip this off properly?! 1/2 of my google searches have Did You Mean shit which I switch to, and sometimes I search words just as a pre-emptive spell-check! FAIL!

5) The ultimate crime: Cuil can't find blognigger, even when you search for it directly. This is emblematic of the whole problem - when you search for something, Cuil returns wacky shit based on searching MORE webpages, instead of looking for what real people want. They couldn't take my search term, add ".com" to it and send it back? FAILS!

Enough. Listen - there's a deeper lesson here for academic fuckwits of every discipline. Think about your fucking audience, and test your fucking product to make sure it does the same. (To the 30 people about to send me ironic hate mail saying they'd rather have read about Black Hagrid instead of this post, shove it up your ass instead.)

Example: I used to be in a writing workshop filled with academic retards. The retarded failed-novelist "teacher's" mantra was that plot doesn't matter - that writing was all about characters, prose, etc etc. Well, the people who know her potential audience better than she does obviously disagreed, as they keep rejecting her fat boring ass to this day. Her shit will never be unleashed until the general Will-Smith-loving public.

Go enjoy cuil while it lasts; hurry before it's just another static html entry in wikipedia's list of Culturally Significant Failures.

Droppin Loads!!