Astute reader Sickboy writes:
From: Sickboy
Date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 1:14 PM
Subject: Scenery
To: blogngr
My man-
Can you believe the likes of the womens that is out on the streets of NYC today?
Alright everyone: Let's just keep getting more and more honest with each other until either we rid the world of communism or somebody passes out. I'm glad you brought this up, Sickboy.
Listen: there was a girl on the F train today that was so unbelievably dope, that I cannot possibly describe her using ascii text. I must now surf the interweb for a picture that will capture her tasteful, subdued, stylish, cultured, girl-next-door beauty. Ok close enough:
Now: let me confess that it was all I could do not to leap over the yuppie laptop cases lining the subway floor and sink my teeth into her neck like Blackula. Looking at her full, succulent breasts, much like the breasts of the girl in the picture above, I could feel a palpable tension building inside myself, commanding me to engage her person.
What do you think, Park Slopers? "What a bunch of sexist, misogynist bullshit." Is that it? NO; Bullshit YOU! Then why did God and Jesus and Darwin give me these fucking chemicals in my head then, Park Slopers, that cause me to sweat and ache to obtain the succulent fruit of the female form???
Do you have any fucking idea what it's like in this prison - having to walk around all day in Manhattan looking at shit like this (esp Union Square / Chelsea Market / Soho) - and having to not only keep from throwing these women down wells and reading them the Lotion/Basket Riot Act of 1992, but also having to PRETEND to be tasteful and indifferent regarding their sick, sick bounty?
The parallels to food don't end with this gorgeous woman's robust, perfectly-ripened melons, bursting with nature's reproductive batsignal-juices: The male plight is tantamount to starving to death on a desert island, then having to walk amongst plates and plates of heavenly food; not only forbidden to devour it, but ALSO required to pretend you don't give a fuck.
What have we done to ourselves?
Listen: it would have been EASY for me to continue to pretend to be an intellectually focussed, sophisticated eunuch - but this place is about honesty. Therefore, I have decided to reveal to all female readers, here and now, the biggest male secret IN THE WORLD. Guys, sorry, I'm telling them about the club - I have to do it:
Men - ALL men in the universe, unless they are really, really gay, belong to a secret club that consists of all men in the universe. Members of the secret club secretly observe ALL women they are not romantically involved with, evaluate them physically, look at their asses when they walk by, and THEN, on occassions where a fantastic treasure is encountered, grown men who don't know each other, regardless of race, class, nationality – shit I've connected with a HOMELESS KKK GUY on this – grown men who don't know each other will make eye-contact and CELEBRATE these sightings with one another in a twisted yearning of frustration and awe. Together, they acknowledge the gift that Jesus has bestowed, and that they are blessed to share together. YES: CHASSIDS ROUTINELY THANK JESUS UPON WITNESSING THESE SUBLIME FEMALE SPECIMENS.
Now, how do I have the balls to say all this while my wife has high-speed internet access? Simple- my wife has quit reading Blognigger because she is ANGRY that I haven't yet followed her orders and removed a stack of cardboard boxes from my closet. It's not my fault; They contain graphic novels and badass computer shit and there's no other place for them. Insofar as I am delinquent in removing the stack of boxes, she has taken to sarcastically calling me 'boxnigger' Ha; The joke is on her! I don't want her reading this shit anyway:
tits tits tits! legs! ankles! back tattoos especially!!! I like other girls' tits and I look at them for sport on the train, honey! I pretend to look away so I don't get busted! It's a sport honey! I watched all of Born Into Brothels with you from netflix but if I was at a batchelor party and some girl who looked like the spitzer chick wanted 100$ to relieve this pressure I would totally do it honey! I would do it!! I would do it!!! I would do it!! I would do it!!
In summary, the answer is NO, Sickboy; I cannot believe the likes of them.
Sincerely,
Blognigger
15 comments:
I knew there was some kind of club!!!!! Thanks for spilling the beans.
Yer right Blognigger. Nothing brings men of all races and classes together like a hot piece of unavailable ass.
Ok, I'll bite and GO THERE. You're black but there isn't any mention of you looking at asses. Now I don't think you're black at all. ;)
@anon 10:04
RTFP:
...romantically involved with, evaluate them physically, look at their asses when they walk by...
hey anonymous - he SAID asses, read the post.
ah balls, ericF beat me to it
the girls are a good enough reason alone to relocate to nyc. Shits is a non-stop boner factory and it's awesome.
"...keep from throwing these women down wells and reading them the Lotion/Basket Riot Act of 1992..."
brilliance.
I love the maleness of the species...so base and animal-like.
And most of us women love that secret male club...we can see you looking at one another, you know its kind of sexy.
oh man, I wanna bone anonymous 2:15
Once we were in a cafe, and the hostess was wearing a thin white top with her nipples clearly visible. Where do you look? Are you supposed to look and say "hey, thanks!" or are you supposed to NOT look which is impossible?! She's literally in the spotlight. I feel for youse guyz, it's confounding! I wouldn't know how to handle it all, and would probably get punched out for staring.
Dude!
Ditto Seth's comment. Brilliant use of dope and ascii in the same sentence.
She's right - most of us like it.
My gift to you poor tortured gents: Russian Cheerleaders!
You're funny.
Blognigger i am soo glad you wrote about this, sometimes i feel like i am the only guy looking and start to feel like a pig. It's good to know i am not the only one with a wondering eye, on some days the bounty is soo plentiful i just stop what i am doing and take it all in..
Post a Comment