AIDS: It can't go up the little hole.

Here's the first time I ever heard of AIDS:

I was in the old Dairy Queen next to the Toys R' Us on Rt 4 in New Jersey – a place my dad and mom used to take us if we had been good for like a month – and I was in the bathroom taking a piss at the urinal next to my father. I was mad short because I was like 7, and my genitals were close to the little white porcelain casing of the urinal.

"You didn't just touch your dick to the urinal, did you?"
I shook my head and looked wide-eyed at my pops, scared like I had just taken a cookie or lied or some shit.
"Don't touch your dick to that thing or you'll get AIDS."

Bam. So began a 20 year nightmare.

Now, in high school, there was this one time that we had this big blood drive. All the kids over 16 or some shit were all giving blood. (I'll never do that shit again, btw - you fuckin NEED your blood. That's why you feel all dizzy and fucked up after giving blood. You need your blood and it's not healthy to give it away.)

Part of giving blood was of course, an aids test, so that they don't give niggas who need transfusions your aidsblood. So here was the deal - everyone gives blood, they take it back to the lab and then in 6 short weeks mail you a letter thanking you if you're all good. If you have aids you get a phonecall. Pretty good system: it's in all the children's heads that there's a massive fucking pandemic that's going to kill 3 niggas you know by 1995, you probably have it if you've played spin-the-bottle, and now they'll let you chill for 6 weeks with the rest of your class, waiting to find out who among you is the deathblood leper.

So, suffice it to say that like most of my tough male friends, I was scared shitless.
I mean, don't get my wrong, I hadn't even LOOKED at some pussy wrong at that point - them aids propagandists had niggas wearing space suits before we would even hold hands with a bitch. However, I just thought - what if somehow, from a mosquito or a microscopic lipcut, or someshit like that - it was me. So at that point, I knew I had aids and I was gonna die.

Now, there was this girl in my class, lets just call her Cunty. REAL aids activist, early gay-rights type, SUPER politically correct in 1992 son - made Rosie O'Donnell look like Daniel Carver. So Cunty comes up to my little clique all lookin for a fight and shit. We're all talking about how no one in a rich white private school has aids and calming ourselves down, telling each other we don't have to worry. She's chewing her gum and goes:

Well, someone here has it.

Wha?

Look at the statistics - AIDS doesn't care if we're rich and white you IDIOTS. There's like 150 people here - at least one person in this class has it.

Cunty was cunty, and man she scared the SHIT out of us. That shit WORKED. It just sounded so legit - talking about math and shit - and she spent all her time studying this shit... this was to be her grand payback. She got to sit back like these Jehovah's witneses I ran into on 9-11 and be like "Whad we say? Huh? PUNK ass bitches witcha head in the sand."

So at that point, I knew I had aids and I was gonna die.

Except I didn't. No one did. Cause rich white people - even the little rich browns that go to school with them - don't get aids.

But here's how I really was gonna get it: there was this FINE blonde hippie girl at my school who probably wanted to know whether brothas really have big dicks. She wanted to go black, but I'm sure she quickly went back cause her dad would have beaten her to death with a lead pipe. Anyway, I got to go down on her. Tasted like Pez; She was off the hook.

Of course, I did this without using a DENTAL DAM: the thing the dykes who came to our school safe-sex assemblies stood up and told us we'd DIE without. Like I'm gonna go get some saran wrap and lick a girl's pussy through that shit like a chassid. Gimme a fuckin break. Has ANYONE ever used a dental dam? Lemme know. (Pics or it didn't happen)

So I was sure I got aids from eating that beautiful blonde girl's pussy, and I was gonna die. Now here's the fun part: I didn't get tested after that ALL through college. And while the billion guinea pigs I fucked through college never came crying to my dorm room door telling us we both had aids, I still spent literally 50% of my alone time thinking about how I was going to die of aids.

This was my college pastime – I only did it about oh, literally 400 times in 4 years: I would take bong hits, sit around in my room listening to music and having a great time, and then suddenly remember I had aids and have a fucking panic attack and vomit and end up in a cold shower.

Now, in college, there was a dude named Gary The Gimp. He was like, borderline retarded and got into my fairly ritzy university off the waiting-list at the last minute. Or his dad was fuckin Michael Corleone, i dunno. Anyway, he had a bad stutter. So this one time we were all sitting in our kitchen, and some guy who was about to get some poon came in and was like "Anyone have a condom???"

No one did. The guy was fuckin PISSED.

So Gary the Gimp goes "d-d-d-d-ude, just do it without!"
"Are you fuckin crazy?"
"n-n-n-o dude it feels so much fucking better have you done it?! you just, p-p-p-pull out!"

We were like, "dude, have you ever heard of fucking AIDS, you dumbass?"
And he goes "n-n-n-n-o dude it can't go up the little hole!"

At the time, we obviously felt like we were talking to a stoned and retarded Balky from Meepos . But here's what happened: I was sleeping over at my friend's parents house right before graduation, and I looked up at the guy's dad's bookshelf and this title caught my eye: "The Myth of Heterosexual AIDS." I was like, OH SNAP kid, that is a FUCKED UP title - felt like I was looking at an old campy relic, like a little marble statue of a black watermelon baby or someshit - something taboo like, now that we know better.

Of course I went and took the book down and glanced through it - it was recently published, and the guy was for real. You can still read all his shit here. His basic point is that the activists spent the 80s distorting facts about AIDS to make it seem mainstream, when in reality it was primarily a disease that homosexuals and heroin users got. He says they did this to try and save homosexuals from essentially being quarantined, surely a noble goal, but one that ultimately spread lies and diverted funds from the high-risk groups that really needed them most. His evidence was shit like by the year 2000, one-in-two people was supposed to have aids, and it never materialized. I can't really argue with that shit, can you?

I *remember* the poor zealot Cunty (not her fault - she was lied to like some iraq '03 shit) telling us that everyone was going to know someone with aids, etc. Never happened. I was told on an aids hotline we pranked that you can get aids from the exchange of fluids on ANY "mucus membrane" including the lips. Still think that's true? Did we get more evidence at some point, or did they just come off some of the BS? You know how I think you get aids? From being fucked in the ass by a man who cuts your anal lining with his giant member and then comes in your asscut. Or from shooting heroin with someone and injecting their aidsblood into yours.

OR, no matter what anyone says, from mosquitoes. Fine, doctor theorist nigga, let me put you in a room with a billion mosquitoes and someone with aids. Won't do it, huh? Figures, theorist ass BITCH.

Anyway, fucked in the cut-up-ass, or heroin. That's how you get aids. It can't just go up the little hole. My bad, Gary.

I'm pretty pissed off that I got my sexual childhood jacked like that. I coulda been fuckin bitches all over and not stressin, and instead I was puking into my bong with aids. Fuckin liberal-ass media stealing my fuckin prime fuckin years.

Jesus, I spent so much time scared shitless that I had aids. All that wasted time, and it turns out I'm fine. I mean, I guess I'm fine; my wife was tested and shit when she was pregnant, and I'm sure she would have said something.