Some Inconvenient Shit

I can hear it raining and thundering out there, and thank fuckin god. Not a moment too goddamn soon to get us outta this muthafuckin heat. Today was just unbearable; that goddamn Jay Street platform was fuckin hot, fuckin Al-Gore Hot; it was some inconvenient shit.

I do have to give the MTA some props, as 93% of the trains are well air-conditioned, especially in fucked-up whether weather like we've been having. It's especially impressive compared to when I was a kid and subways had those sliding schoolbus-style windows that made the cars all loud 'n shit, with hot tunnel air and cinders and shit flyin into the carriages. They really Giuliani'ed all this shit up good in the last 20 years.

Today though, the whole Jay Street platform was crowded and angry and just so fuckin hot- and you know me - I always get afraid niggas are gonna start stompin people just to cool down.

Waited awhile, and finally the A train rolled up. Everyone was sweatin' the doors, tryin to box each other out and shit, waiting to fight for the first taste of the respite. Doors opened, everyone poured in, and I swear I heard this collective "FUCK" as everyone realized they weren't gonna get what they wanted. It's not that the car wasn't air-conditioned; it was. It's just that niggas like to get hit with a BLAST of freezing air like they walkin into JC Penny's in South Florida. We want that shit to be like an icebox. Fuck the spotted owl son, I seen the doomsday clock, and if we goin out like that, we may as well be comfortable up in here for the years we got left.

But today on the A Train, it wasn't happening; so everyone was pissed, and crowded, and hot. Here's what happened next...

There's this homeless guy that I bet you know: Seen 'em on the F and A trains, and he must be 6ft3 and weigh 300 pounds. The only way I can think to describe him is that he literally looks like a big black homeless warlock. His hair is all long and curly and fucked up, he dresses in a makeshift wizard's robe, and he has these broken shoeboxes taped to his feet with whole rolls of packing tape. I feel like he wears some kind of staff or sword on his back, but that's probably bullshit.

The guy plays into his warlock role very severely - He walks with a very deliberate and stern air, almost like one of these gamerfags from Darkon or some shit like that. I've heard him speak on a couple of occasions- he just belches these baritone blasts of insanity to himself; My man has got an extremely deep voice. I've always imagined that since he has absolutely nothing to live for, he's created this whole F-train dungeons and dragons shit around himself, where he's like, the Warlord of the transit authority.

Tryin to explain...I guess he looks something like that nigga from Mulholland Drive that busts out from in back of the dumpster in the parking lot of Denny's:



...except my man is Afro-American and doesn't have those kindly cat's eyes. Ok, enough - if you know him, you know him. (You know him?)

So we're all packed in the train car, hot as fuck, and so of course the train stops in the middle of a tunnel for no reason and with no announcement. At that moment, it was so goddamn sweltering that niggas were praying that this was the train Al Qaeda was finally gonna strike, beggin for them to take us all back to the Black Jesus.™ Even the beardedjews were throwin down they big black hats and stompin on em, callin out jesus take me take me take me take maaaaaay...........

Ok, so from my position toward one end of the car, all of the sudden I see the door-between-cars start to slide open... and it's him!! The black giant emerges, having to duck his head down in order to fit through the door, and after he regains his stature he begins to shift slowly down the car.

Now I'm telling you, there wasn't room for an asian schoolgirl to walk through that train car, let alone this rancid negro sorcerer that's the size of a fridge.

People around me start to look at each other in disbelief - like this isn't really happening. I look up at the terrified people he's compressing as he steamrolls past, and I swear this one white chick does a dry heave; I had forgotten all about his stench. A couple of white people around her go "oooh!" with concern, and one gentleman even goes "are you ok??"

At that moment, before he had gotten near me, I really wanted to run, but there was absolutely nowhere that I could hide. I could hear him announcing to the people he was squeezing between: "GRRRR. (like an ogre!) LET HIM PASS.... LET HIM PASS..." all low and shit? Really gutteral, animal-type sounds. Talking in the third person? Damn.


Another detail is that there was a whole group of high school students from England or some shit stuffed in there with us. All these fresh-faced white kids probably heading to Ground Zero or some shit, and they looked up like they had never seen anything like this guy in their lives. These kids, about 15 of them, were standing right next to me when one of the boys from their class tilted his head toward the homeless guy and made a kick-ass wisecrack to the girls, made even funnier by his English accent: "Have you met Hagrid?"



He's a fuckin genius that kid, because that's really exactly who this muthafucka looks like - the Black Hagrid, most def:


Yep, that's him. Man, this little white blonde haired kid's joke was so good - all the girls busted up, and everyone who heard it laughed and I thought, man, that boy might even get his dick sucked tonight after they all get back from the Statue of Liberty and the WWE restaurant and shit. Good for him.

But just then this Jewish lady, sounding exactly like the yenta who just got kicked out of the Rules Comittee meeting, started stepping to the kids who were laughing!

She's spits this at them:

It's NOT FUNNY. We have a homeless problem in this city, in this COUNTRY, and you will not come here and laugh at our suffering. These are REAL PEOPLE. They have DIGNITY. You should be ashamed of yourselves- This is not how you conduct yourselves when you are visiting someone else's home...

...And all the kids shut up! They looked down and shit and looked sheepish! England must be a different planet - if she tried that shit on the 19-year-old Middle Schoolers from 201??? Uh-uh. They'd take the underwear off their heads and strangle that bitch with it.

Meanwhile, the sorcerer is inching closer and closer until he's finally pressing his way through me and my English high school kids. At the point of contact his stench was absolutely overpowering, and combined with the heat and this bitch telling everyone not to laugh, I thought I was gonna pass out. I can't write too much about the odor itself, because if I go there I will literally blow chunks on this keyboard and fuckup my macbook for good.

I'm such a pussy - I really should have defended that kid. Fuck my elders; That lady was dead wrong - he was Hagrid - it was extremely funny and I shoulda told her to sit down and leave the comedies to the international youth.

It's not funny?? Lady, I'm about to pass out from the smell of this niggas nuts- please let me laugh! That's some Geneva Convention shit- don't steal that away too whitelady!!!

That smell is NOTHING to laugh at - that smell is the smell of human despair; the wrinkled pink brownnuts of human dispair!

Do you smell those nuts children?? Do you smell that this is no laughing matter? GOOD- I'm GLAD you're throwing up; When we are healthy, we react to human suffering with fear and nausea. Vomit it all up and let the prejudice and discrimination come out with it - ONTO THE SUBWAY FLOOR!

Children, you are to throw up on the train this INSTANT for Martin Luther King's sweaty nuts.

Still raining? Thunder definitely stopped- I guess it's only drizzling now. Hopefully that'll turn August back into June. Damn, still humid as a muthafucka up in here. brb, gotta go crank the AC and make this shit like JC Penny.