Mexicans + Internet = Pure Gold

I'm obsessed with this thread on Brooklynian;
Go read every single comment twice - I'll wait.

Ok, back. Now, first of all, does anyone think we should call the police and let them know that a mexican has broken into someone's brownstone and is sending email from their internets?

Seriously, I could read this guy all day:

"during the winter while my dad and i were shoving the snow, in the front yard. he gave my father 5 bucks. who barely could speak english."

"how this same jackass rush into my building tell them to be quiet while moving in a table. that they were causing them too much "noise", it bang the basement walls a few times, but not disturbing anyone."

"talk to jerk before myself. when i first got the place. long story short, i had a dealing with him. he just forgotten, plus when i shave and don't shave and hair cut no hair cut etc.. i look different."

He should have his own blog, Webxican, or some shit like that. I'm on that rss feed like rich brothas on white chicks. His punctuation, his sentence structure, his non-sequiturs: you can't make this shit up, and you can't write it yourself ; it's pure gold.

Why am I so high on it? Because it's impossibly rare to see a participant of the most pretentious discussion thread imaginable - literally a discussion of RACE in Park fucking Slope - who can barely speak English. It's an internet-enabled, realtime assimilation; and it's all taking place before our eyes in gentrification's own politically-correct Thunderdome.

I com to zees contry for American Dreem - buy brownstone in Park Slope and flame patronizing vhite man on eenterveb.

A milestone of history worth noting: In the early twenty-first century, no immigrant's American dream was complete without a soapbox from which to launch racially retaliatory complaints into the Blogosphere.

Of course, this soapbox wouldn't do any good without so many impressively retarded white people waiting to kiss the poster's ass in self-serving solidarity:

"I would have stabbed him in one eye for offering only five bucks" (xanax much?)

"I go with the 3 strikes yer out- next time anything like this happens, give it to him straight up. Third times a charm! Fuck him up." (these are the peace-loving mlk supporters when convenient, right?)

"The guy you describe does sound like a jerk, but if he is a permanent neighbor, we got to think before we declare war. " (classic who's we, white man for ya?)

"...this guy needs to understand that you and your family are not their servants. And for anyone who has never been treated like the "help" you can't really understand how it feels." (And thank god you're here to sympathize, why-taaaayyy!)

Not one person on this thread is saying what we all know is true, which is: Jesus Christ - Okay, $5 is low, but what the fuck is wrong with seeing two mexicans shoveling snow in the yard next door and assuming they are going yard-to-yard? I mean, come fucking on - how many brownstones are owned by mexicans? And how the FUCK was this poor white dickhead supposed to know that they were the one mexican family who owned a brownstone?

Ok... now; Here's where the situation takes an interesting twist: After obsessing over this thread for some time, and continuing to read and re-read the comments... I realized that I was retarded, and that the Original Poster was Asian, and not Mexican.

This was probably obvious to all of you geniuses, especially if you read his comment about Asians, looked at his facebook profile and saw his Asian name, or paid attention to his prose which is obviously stereotypically Asian.

So how the hell did this happen to me?? I'm nothing if not a frigging racial Einstein - the Copernicus of benevolent Eugenics. Guess not! So where did I go wrong?

Well, I guess it's obvious that I saw that the original poster in the context of shoveling snow from a front yard in Park Slope- and we all know damn well that it's only mexicans that are hired to do that. Ok, maybe some young black kids saving up for their ubiquitous "basketball team," but mostly mexicans. That racist assumption was enough to blind me to ALL the other evidence in the thread suggesting that this guy was Asian. Proven Racist! Not bad!

In my defense though, I can tell you this: I guarantee you that the white guy who tried to stuff 5$ into Jurio's hands definitely ALSO thought this guy was Mexican. I guarantee you that this old guy must look like my man Victor Wong from "The Golden Child" - who is like the Tiger Woo of Asian Mexicans. [Any astute reader have a decent picture of him from "The Golden Child" that I can use??] It may be tough to tell from this pic, but homeboy completely blurs the line:



NO ONE would presume to ask an Asian to shovel their snow for any reason, ever. They might fuck-up and ask a random yard-hovering Chinaman if they gots the general Tso's, but never in a million years would anyone ask an Asian to shovel their front yard. I'd sooner ask a working class Itallian - and easily a black man. Of any class. I'll ask Theo Huxtable and Cockroach to shovel that shit, I don't even give a fuck. Can I get a witness?

This post represents the kind of honest, unguarded racial dialog I'd like to see opening up in the Thunderdomes across this great digital landscape of ours. Beats the FUCK out of everyone still stuck on this 1990s McCarthyism 2.0, kissing more minority ass than Michael Richards and Don Imus at an NAACP bbq. I know ya mean well, but just tell the truth instead! What could be more patronizing and condescending than sucking our collective black gaysian hispanic mexican dicks with your pandering and tiptoeing and pretending that you're the neighborhood's color-blind hero.

We don't need another hero. We don't need to know the way home. All we want is Life beyond; Life Beyond Thunderdome.