One thing that really rapes my rage-valve is when someone creates some fucking awesome internet shit, and then a whole bunch of lazy, talentless fucks come and rip it apart in the comments section and in their own shitty blogs; therefore, I won't levy ANY criticism upon this near-perfect piece. I will just say though, that another fantastic addition to this list would be The Dog Penis Lady, whom I've been meaning to send an APB out on for some time.
The Dog Penis Lady is the greatest NY Eccentric (nice nomenclature) of all time, and makes Black Hagrid look like a nubile wallstreet summer-intern. Remember though; I'm prone to Hyperbole.
I should say that I've only seen her once, and I wish I had exchanged business cards with someone else on the train that day so that I'd have a support system, not to mention some assurance that she wasn't just a figment of my imagination.
Her elusiveness is frustrating and surreal - makes me feel like I'm in a kafka novel or Twin Peaks or some shit -- she's just out of reach- look:
Her elusiveness is frustrating and surreal - makes me feel like I'm in a kafka novel or Twin Peaks or some shit -- she's just out of reach- look:
That's her! Yes! First two links are clearly about her! So I click the first one.... but the page loadtime is LONG...need to reboot wireless router.... (this happens EVERY time there's a world-wide-web page I'm in extreme suspense about viewing) Finally page loads.... Command-F Dog Penis... Nothing found!!! NO MENTION OF DOG PENIS LADY. Why the fuck is google fucking with me?? Even the fucking cache has no mention of Dog Penis Lady. Why do you taunt me with it then, you arrogant, dining-hall-eating, thousand-year-stare, internet-genius fuckwads? FUCK YOU!
Ha! ya gotta love google's similar pages link in this context:
What pages are similar vis a vi my the quest for the Dog Penis Lady?
PACKED F Train. Smith and 9th above ground, she gets on. I hear her LOUD volume break the consensual morning hush - those jutting sounds that on a subway always indicate that trouble is afoot. Her voice fades slowly in:
on the Goddamn train but thank JESUS CHRIST that OSAMA BIN LADEN is going to kill every single goddamn one of you - you're all going to DIE on this train like dogs you die like dogs by osama bin laden for being dog fuckers - you FUCK like DOGS with a DOG PENIS. He's on the trains he's bombing the trains he's killing you with the bombs - andgetridofthefuckinDOGS! Look at em! Satan's DOGS have their own FUCKING DOG PENIS that they shove up each other's asses while they're waiting to DIE. thank GOD! thank GOD you're going to fuckin die.
And I mean, it's not SO far away from 9-11 and especially the Barcelona bombings that this doesn't cause WAY more than the average amount of stress that's normally caused by a crazy person on the train:
So no one throws her through the window. (What do you do if you NEED to get out of those windows?? That shit is like bulletproof these days.) Anyway, no one throws her out, so it just continues on like that – and LOUD:
OSAMA BIN LADEN IS GONNA KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SATAN'S DOGS WITH A DOGPENIS
People start glancing up for brief respites from pretending to read Kite Runner and White Teeth and shit, just needing an instant of human contact from other brooklynites (sniff- i luv u guys- (really)) so that they all know they're ok. (See why I wanted that support group - I been through fuckin NAM son)
So, at the climax of dogpenismania, this puertorican woman CUTS through the barrage at the top of her lungs like fuckin Aquaman:
EXCUSE ME BITCH I'M WITH MY SON AND YOU TALKIN A LOT OF SHIT RIGHT NOW I DON'T WANT HIM HEARING - CAN YOU PLEASE SIT THE FUCK DOWN OR CHANGE CARS?
Nope, the train didn't burst into applause, which means we still have a ways to go to eliminate PCness from our culture (hence the importance of blognigger). There were see a lot of happy and moreover enthralled train patrons, but there was still a palpable feeling of "OH that's just not right - she is mentally ill and you must not ATTACK her in that way."
Again I'm a pussy; I should have ripped off my shirt and stood on the seats and said "WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? APPLAUD! AQUAMAN JUST KILLED THE DOGPENIS LADY."
Anyway, what really happened is that The Dog Penis Lady got all discombobulated. She hustled over to the puertorican woman and went:
LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE - where's your SON? Lemme See him - Lemme see him ......... OH OH OH - NICE SON - With his DOGPENIS
And everyone was like "oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh" jack that's cold. The doors were opening, and The Dog Penis Lady shoved herself off the train, and continued to rant her way down to Smith Street.
I think the kid was ok - she hadn't really done anything to him, though what the hell am I saying: I still remember when I was 3 and some old Dominican guy with a scary mustache asked me for a bite of my sabrett pretzel - If he had screamed the word DOGPENIS at me, I'd probably still be in therapy, not just on Lexapro.
I looked at the kid, and of course he was drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating fritos and shit, and I just thought damn - he's got a brave mom, but why they gotta feed their kids that shit, especially in the morning, it's revolting. Maybe he'd be better off with The Dogpenis Lady, or at least they could do a reality show where The Dogpenis Lady acted as their live-in nutritional consultant:
WHOLE GRAINS AREN'T ENOUGH - IT CAN'T HAVE ANY ENRICHED FLOUR OR IT GIVES YOU A DOGPENIS. IN THE MORNING YOU NEED LIVE YOGURT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE NOT ON THE TRAIN OR OSAMA BIN LADEN KILLS EVERY FUCKIN ONE OF YOU
It's amazing that they feed their kids that shit. Especially on the train. Seriously, I know blahblahblah - actually wait - I don't know; Defend the puertoricans for doing that. Send me inflammatory email and leave smug comments. You have my permission to tear my shit up on that. Witchya dogpenis.
Ha! ya gotta love google's similar pages link in this context:
What pages are similar vis a vi my the quest for the Dog Penis Lady?
- The Dog Vagina Lady
- The Cat Penis Lady
- The Dog Penis Man
- The Cat Penis Girl
- Dooce.com
PACKED F Train. Smith and 9th above ground, she gets on. I hear her LOUD volume break the consensual morning hush - those jutting sounds that on a subway always indicate that trouble is afoot. Her voice fades slowly in:
on the Goddamn train but thank JESUS CHRIST that OSAMA BIN LADEN is going to kill every single goddamn one of you - you're all going to DIE on this train like dogs you die like dogs by osama bin laden for being dog fuckers - you FUCK like DOGS with a DOG PENIS. He's on the trains he's bombing the trains he's killing you with the bombs - andgetridofthefuckinDOGS! Look at em! Satan's DOGS have their own FUCKING DOG PENIS that they shove up each other's asses while they're waiting to DIE. thank GOD! thank GOD you're going to fuckin die.
And I mean, it's not SO far away from 9-11 and especially the Barcelona bombings that this doesn't cause WAY more than the average amount of stress that's normally caused by a crazy person on the train:
- Does she have a bomb?
- Is she right??
- Does her saying that shit mean that it might make it happen?
- If it does happen, will the irony of her predictions mock us all?
So no one throws her through the window. (What do you do if you NEED to get out of those windows?? That shit is like bulletproof these days.) Anyway, no one throws her out, so it just continues on like that – and LOUD:
OSAMA BIN LADEN IS GONNA KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SATAN'S DOGS WITH A DOGPENIS
People start glancing up for brief respites from pretending to read Kite Runner and White Teeth and shit, just needing an instant of human contact from other brooklynites (sniff- i luv u guys- (really)) so that they all know they're ok. (See why I wanted that support group - I been through fuckin NAM son)
So, at the climax of dogpenismania, this puertorican woman CUTS through the barrage at the top of her lungs like fuckin Aquaman:
EXCUSE ME BITCH I'M WITH MY SON AND YOU TALKIN A LOT OF SHIT RIGHT NOW I DON'T WANT HIM HEARING - CAN YOU PLEASE SIT THE FUCK DOWN OR CHANGE CARS?
Nope, the train didn't burst into applause, which means we still have a ways to go to eliminate PCness from our culture (hence the importance of blognigger). There were see a lot of happy and moreover enthralled train patrons, but there was still a palpable feeling of "OH that's just not right - she is mentally ill and you must not ATTACK her in that way."
Again I'm a pussy; I should have ripped off my shirt and stood on the seats and said "WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? APPLAUD! AQUAMAN JUST KILLED THE DOGPENIS LADY."
Anyway, what really happened is that The Dog Penis Lady got all discombobulated. She hustled over to the puertorican woman and went:
LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE - where's your SON? Lemme See him - Lemme see him ......... OH OH OH - NICE SON - With his DOGPENIS
And everyone was like "oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh" jack that's cold. The doors were opening, and The Dog Penis Lady shoved herself off the train, and continued to rant her way down to Smith Street.
I think the kid was ok - she hadn't really done anything to him, though what the hell am I saying: I still remember when I was 3 and some old Dominican guy with a scary mustache asked me for a bite of my sabrett pretzel - If he had screamed the word DOGPENIS at me, I'd probably still be in therapy, not just on Lexapro.
I looked at the kid, and of course he was drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating fritos and shit, and I just thought damn - he's got a brave mom, but why they gotta feed their kids that shit, especially in the morning, it's revolting. Maybe he'd be better off with The Dogpenis Lady, or at least they could do a reality show where The Dogpenis Lady acted as their live-in nutritional consultant:
WHOLE GRAINS AREN'T ENOUGH - IT CAN'T HAVE ANY ENRICHED FLOUR OR IT GIVES YOU A DOGPENIS. IN THE MORNING YOU NEED LIVE YOGURT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE NOT ON THE TRAIN OR OSAMA BIN LADEN KILLS EVERY FUCKIN ONE OF YOU
It's amazing that they feed their kids that shit. Especially on the train. Seriously, I know blahblahblah - actually wait - I don't know; Defend the puertoricans for doing that. Send me inflammatory email and leave smug comments. You have my permission to tear my shit up on that. Witchya dogpenis.
13 comments:
Never seen her. Figment of your imagination. But that's some funny fuckin shit.
Fuckin LOL ya pussy. good shit but next time stand up.
Aquaman! you fag.
Dogpenises aside, I have been thinking about child nutrition alot since my daughter started eating real food (she's 1yr). THe only ethnic group I haven't seen giving their kids junk food on the train is Asians.
There does seem to be a link between Puerto Ricans and Hawaian Punch though, which i find weird.
Can't. Breathe. Whiping tears.help. Ow.
Reminds me of the psycho preacher who came onto my subway car and started yelling that we'd all be damned When Christ Returned. Screaming at the top of his lungs. A young girl started yelling back: "Shut the fuck up! Take it to Church, ya shithead." He yelled, she retorted and another guy kept piping up "SHUT UP ya both!"
All three of them continued, getting louder, like a choir singing parts of an oratorio. But instead of applauding, ALL of the rest of us - black, white, yellow and brown - got off at the next stop. Too friggin scary.
Sometimes, regardless of race, we're all in this together.
There's a homeless dude who lives behind the building where I work who might be perfect for Ms. Dogpenis. Whenever I am outside smoking, he scurries out from behind the building to ask me for money to get his Eyepussy fixed.
IT'S KISMET!
I saw a one-eyed black screamer on the A train one day recently, who threw all his money and his cane on the floor of the train and ranted about hypocrisy...I like to smirk or shake my head broadly at these guys sometimes, as if in demonstrative disapproval of the content of his message, just to get them going.
Looking at me intently with his eye he started a diatribe about the Jews...I had to compliment him silently on his excellent detection of racial types...he was up on all the arguments against the holocaust...it was great being berated as a thief and societal underminer by a filthy beggar having a temper tantrum...actually it wasn't offensive to me in particular, but I felt embarrassed for the twenty or so other passengers, all black, some of whom gave me sympathetic glances...the guy eventually reached such a crescendo of rhetoric that the next step had to be actual murder of the jewish swine or retreat, so he took the stop at 125 as a convenient way to salvage his cane, dollar bills and honor.
I, for one, would have kicked her ass to the ground.
As for the Hawaiian Punch and Puerto Ricans question, it was a consolation prize. The Blacks already cornered the Kool Aid market.
Blognigger, you are one funny SOB.
It was the Madrid bombings, not Barcelona.....I know I may sound annoying, but it's like some swedish guy talking about how he felt after watching the Twin Towers fall.....in Cincinatti....
This is the second time I've read about you not standing up -- dogpenis lady and black Hagrid. Next time something like this happens, speak your mind. Nobody on the train gives a fuck about you or will remember you; just say something. You've got a good perspective on shit, don't be afraid to live.
goddamn, that was funny. I am P.R. and have yet to try the hawaiian punch / fritos combo but trust me I will, haha! And yeah, I just can't wait to feed it to my kids, yay! umm, kidding, but growing up in new york city in the 80's & 90's, I can write a book on subway experiences. I definitely believe this story about the dogpenis lady - you can't make this shit up, god bless nyc, some things don't change...
Hey, is she like a middle aged (like 50, or maybe 40 but ravaged by poverty) white woman? because i was on the F train a while ago (F train - bastion of insanity), and there was a woman of said description who not only screamed at the woman next to her, but started throwing pennies at her! the accosted chick ran off the train at Ely.
Oh man... you're killing me, I'm laughing my ass of up here. You write like a champ! The Newyorkshitty woman put me on your blog. I'm glad she did.
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