Ask Blognigger: Osama Bin Laden

Astute reader Judy B writes,

Date: Wed, Jun 18, 2008 at 6:25 PM
Subject: Ask Blognigger entry
To: Blognigger

I'm not that bowled over by Obama. Are you?

Regards,
Judy B.

Now how the fuck should I know, Judy? Tim Russert ain't even cold yet an you already shoppin around for another nigga-ta-hook-you-up and tell you what to think.

[Thanks Judy - tried to paypal you already but that shit doesn't load in Safari so I'll do it when I get to my cousin's]

You have to admit though, it is fairly incredible that people give a fuck what any kind of entertainer (let's face it - that's what I'm becoming) thinks about politics. It's also completely unique to America, right? Like when they just report on famous people's political opinions an shit, just because they're famous? It's so American, right? NO, not fuckin right, see I just wanted to get you to say that. Europeans be doin that shit all the time, and they even do it with our politicians, so love it or leave it pinks. Also, "completely unique" is a tautology, so wise-up, commies.

Now, that being said, let me tell you what I think of Obama:

HATED IT!!!

Just kidding, I mean, obviously I drank the Kool-Aid just like everyone else who can still show their face in Brooklyn. Man, I don't even know anyone who's for McCain, although I didn't know anyone who was for Bush in '04, and look where that got us. John Stewart almost cryin again and shit? All defensive in those last hours of Race From The White House?

Much as I'm jockin Obama, it does make me nervous to have the exact same opinions as each-and-every-one of yall, so let's take a real close objective look at ourselves and be rooted in what is so:

• Admit that we all just want there to be a black president so we can be like "OH SHIT! There's a black president! That shit happened during my lifetime!" BIG CHECKBOX CHECKED like watching 60 homeruns get beat, son.
  
  
• Admit that we all just want there to be a black president so we can say to all the ignorant -ass black people in our country, "YA SEE?!?!? Now you can never complain about SHIT again ya lazy-ass muthafuckas!!!"
  
  
• Admit that we all just want there to be a black president so we can say to the rest of the world "YA SEE?!?!?! This oughta make up for all that shit - we elected a BLACK president!!!"
  
  
• Admit that we all just want there to be a Black 'n White Tiger Woods Derek Jeter-ass post-racial president because it seems like some futuristic jedi-council shit that feels like it might be a good way to wipe the slate clean for a do-ova leap into the 21st century.
  

Well, it's got to be because of all this shit, because this guy hasn't done shit yet!!! I mean, he's pretty impressive when he speaks and all, but who the hell can tell with this fucked up relativity we've acquired? I mean - after George Bush, Helen Keller would seem like Winston Churchill:

Sen. Keller: "DAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Big Mama: (sniff...dabs eyes) goddamn...(sniff) you know that girl cou sing.

So, Obama hasn't done shit, yet we all think he's the man. But you know what? I don't think there's anything wrong with that, as long as we're honest with ourselves about it. I mean, the guy is obviously very intelligent. Big win #1. He is obviously on the right side of the political spectrum, i.e. not a member of George Bush's inner circle. Big win #2. Who cares if he doesn't have a ton of experience - He can just surround himself with people with experience. Bottom line: I'd rather have someone who had to work his way up in life and has a good head on his shoulders than someone who has played the political country-club game from birth.

I'll tell you one thing though- this muthafucka better get a KKK Grand Wizard as his running mate - otherwise, he'll be so dissed by those red states that the only thing he'll be watchin' over come January'll be re-runs of The Wire.

Talk about a catch-22 right?!! Homeboy chooses a Klan member as his running mate, he'll win the presidency, but they gonna assassinate him by February; ELSE, Homeboy chooses a fool darker than Wesley and that's like some MET Life shit right there - but he'll never carry the red states! It's like the Banach–Tarski paradox up in this muthafucka.

Now the ONLY way we'd be totally fucked, and admit right now that you thought of this too, is if FOX news was right and the nigga turned out to be a terrorist. ADMIT that shit is still in the back of your mind - I know it's in mine!! That's some shit Tom Clancy couldn't even write - Imagine, this whole shit has been like Mohamed Atta in Flight School - not wanting to learn to land and shit - He's just all, "naw Teach, I don't need to learn to govern - just teach me to win" -- and then BOOM his first act as president January 1 2009 is to nuke NYC? If history is a lesson, yall who deny you're thinking of it right now are gonna be the same niggas new years day '09 being all "I totally called it."

Anyway, fear not - the chances of that happening are VERY FUCKING SLIM. (but anything's possible.)

Finally, I know I can sum up why we're all so drunk on Obama with two simple images. Question: Which of the following makes you feel more safe, more confident, more optimistic:

VS.

Check. and. Mate.

Osama in 2008, Judy.

Warm regards,
Blognigger.