Today started with a couple of emails all asking the same thing - had I seen the Sunday Times article about hating Park Slope.
By noon, at the 5th avenue street fair, the article was already the official subject of the day- everyone we bumped into used it as the central theme of the 5 minute stop'n chat. Interestingly, everyone assumed I'd dig the article, which means they either don't know me or they didn't read the article. I did dig the article, but not for the reasons they'd think.
For one thing, I don't hate Park Slope; I love Park Slope. As I've mentioned previously, I do not find political correctness patronizing - I absolutely enjoy and am grateful for the white people that tend to kiss my ass in this neighborhood. Can't get enough. Don't wanna leave! The only thing I hate about Park Slope is that I can't afford to live here anymore without my wife doing online surveys and shit to supplement our income (hey don't knock it - these things bring us decent $$)
Nope, I dig the article because its thesis is ultimately spot-on: It recognizes that the hatred of park slope ultimately stems from class envy, and 20-something hipster insecurity / jealousy of people who are happy and have families. (Gawker readers get a special punch in the nuts)
Now, other than the fact that the article itself is almost unparsable, (because every-other word is dripping with twitterific gen-x cleverness and tone) I'm very glad that everyone out there read it because it gives me a chance to say this:
There is only one legitimate reason to hate park slope:
All the goddamn mexicans!
Ha! Just kidding! Seriously- there is only one legitimate reason to hate park slope:
Because really and truly, the kids own the neighborhood. Now, for me and people like me, it's fantastic, because we have to bring our kids everywhere we go: to Barnes and Noble, to Two Boots, to a skinny bookshop with no room in the doorway where our strollers take up all the goddamn area and piss single people off...
...but the bottom line is that if you don't have kids, you'll probably hate Park Slope. And I can't blame you at all - unless you actually live here, in which case you're a stupid muthafucka because who the hell would subject themselves to this shithole if they don't have kids? Aren't you tired of having your meals at Blue Ribbon ruined by screaming babies? Aren't you tired of having strollers bang into you when you sit curbside witcha eggs benedict? Even the goddamn library has kids stickin Kasha granola bars and shit all over the bookshelves. (Actually, do we have a library? too lazy to google.)
So kidless: what the hell are you doing here? Who the fuck joins a leper colony if they ain't a leper? I know if I didn't have kids, I'd be outta here faster than you can say angry lesbian. (Where did they all go, right?? Anyone remember 2003 up in this muthafucka?!) Shit, I piss myself off and I *have* the little bastids.
So, someone who hates park slope is kind of like someone who didn't like the movie "Junior" - which is a movie about Arnold Schwartzenegger getting pregnant. It's like, nigga you went to see a movie about Arnold Schwartzenegger getting pregnant! The fuck did you expect?? That there is the best movie that could ever be made about Arnold getting pregnant, and if you walked into the theater then you asked for it and we got no sympathy.
If you're going to be pissed off by a kid-obsessed neighborhood - and I can understand that it can be enraging if you don't have kids - then don't even come to Dizzy's, let alone buy a house here and push my kid-havin ass outta the 321 district.
Yeah I'm still bitter.
Monday, May 19, 2008
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8 comments:
Just stumbled upon this blog. Enjoying the posts so far. That icon with the smiling cartoon negro? Where did you get that shit? It's perfect. You shoulda been at the self-fellating Brooklyn Blog Fest, a few weeks ago. You could've torn tha white kids to shit.
This neighborhood needed a superhero... you just got crowned kid
Excellent post, blognigger. Can I call you that? I'm not black.
before there was wall street, there were artists who were single people. one doesn't need to have children to BE in Park Slope and your bias is a bit annoying. I lived in Park Slope for five years (yes, I was still a 'newbie') until I got pushed out two years ago (landlord sold the building; new landlord wanted to rent out apartment for corporate housing!). I didn't think I shouldn't be there because I didn't have children. I thought added community spirit and activism to the neighborhood so please don't tell ME that I need to have children to be there. But, YES, it IS annoying.
I got a way different read on bn's post than you did, Cat.
It did not sound to me at all like he was saying you have to have kids to live here, but rather, IF you don't have kids...AND if you don't want to see em everywhere you go, everywhere you eat, and everywhere you shop all the live long day, Park Slope might not be the right hood for you. I happen to love the hell out of Park Slope and I don't have kids, don't plan to have them, and don't particularly like most of em. But we can't afford the common charges in Brooklyn Heights, get bored in DUMBO, h-a-t-e Williamsburg and didn't find any great apts in Carroll Gardens. And so here we are. And its really pretty here, and there are kick ass restaurants like Franny's and Sette and our dog digs the park. Do I ever, under any circumstances walk into Tea Lounge when I see 9 strollers parked in front? uhm...hell to the no.
Park Slope obviously rocks pretty hard, otherwise people wouldn't be talking about it so much, engaging in turf wars over it, writing future hit TV shows about it, and blogging about it non-stop, ad nauseum. I think the point is, if you're head's gonna explode everytime you see a friggin Bugaboo, start packing your shit up now. Otherwise, join in with the rest of us "stupid muthafuckas," realize that you're lucky enough to live in one of the nicest nabes on the planet and smile the next time you pass a kid in the midst of a screaming tornado tantrum in front of Two Boots, safe with the knowledge that you don't have to deal with that sort of shit.
Also bn:
1. Please don't move. For realz. Park slope is in desperate need of a good parsing by someone with just your sort of foul-mouthed, dead on snark. I'm serious. Can't we craigslist something up for you guys?
2. We actually have two libraries! The one on 8th and 6th is just about the crappiest library I've ever been too and everyone who works there hates you and all of your stupid questions. I'm pretty sure my elementary school library was better stocked than that hole. The main library on Grand Army Plaza, however, s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y rocks for one reason and one reason only: the free dvds. That place is like blockbuster but all their shit is free. You should seriously check it out.
ditto to everything dear famous a...said about your post, and I was secretly hoping you were one of my friends incognito, but you're at least a decade younger than most of 'em. again, you got the white chicks of us pegged just right, but keep the analysis coming-it needs to be in the air, not in our heads. my friend Louise had you showcased on her blog, and I sure hope yours becomes as integral a part of the Slope--but ya gotta write A LOT...good luck with all the pro bono public service!!!
you dont have to leave Brooklyn... Come to Ditmas park
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