A Modest Proposal: Permit the Chassids to Take Suck Upon My Crinkly Ballsack.

You wanna know why the Chassidic community should seize this opportunity to wrap their bearded mouths around my lightbrown balls and taint?

Nah, it's not that they'd buy handjobs from goyasha girls but then refuse to shake my white wife's hand. (And believe me, I seen 'em in the spas plenty back in the day – particularly the asian joints – gettin they tug jobs on, gettin back into they suits in the locker room alongside a common shfatza, and then gettin back to Williamsburg in time for shabbis.)

Nah, it's not that they treat their own women like mindless, second-class baby-shitters. (g-d help them if they try and leave the cult)

Nah, it's not that out of all the ethnic groups in the five boroughs of New York City (32 year non-scientific sample) their randomly selected representatives consistently scored the lowest on pleasantness, respect, and eye-contact, earning the only flat ZERO in the study. (Seats Yielded to Pregnant Women, BNStatalytics trial 44, 2003)

Nope. Nope. Nope.

The reason that the Chassids can suck my nuts is the same reason that the fundamentalist Muslims can suck my nuts, and the fundamentalist Christians can suck my nuts, and the fundamentalist Heaven's Gate Devotees to the Evolutionary Level Above Human could have sucked my nuts, before they cut off their own nuts and got into bed tucked into purple shawls with black Nikes, drank poison and got theyselves KILLT.

The reason they can all suck my nuts with such gusto is because not only are they convinced that their invisible monster is the most powerful, fearsome, benevolent, vengeful entity in the universe, and not only are they convinced that they must devote their entire lives in utter subservience to their invisible monster, but they are irretrievably, irreparably convinced that EVERYONE else on the planet must do so as well – and anyone not doing what their invisible monster "says" are evil faggot cuntslingers destined for fire and hell and Newark.

Don't fuckin tell me what to do - that's a common theme with me. Rapes my rage valve worse than anything. I have a personality disorder and when you tell me what to do I lash out, Astute Reader, and needs the medication to attend to my works.

Now, are the Chassids the worst? FUCK no, are you retarded?? The Muslims are the worst, and THEN come the Christians, and THEN the Chassids, and THEN Heaven's Gate. That order right there is fuckin obvious son - the Muslims fly planes into buildings! Imagine a chassid tryin that shit?? Gettin they beard caught in the boxcutters and shit, big-ass hats bumpin into the airplane console and deploying the landing gear and whatnot. Wouldn't happen.

Seriously, can't believe you'd even ask; The Muslims are obviously the worst.

I mean, the Chassids are definitely annoying as FUCK, and the Christians are all anti-gay marriage and shit, (invisible monster HATES the cock) and sure the extreme ones blow away the odd abortion doctor; but dude: The fuckin Muslims are the ones who kill us in 2012 for chrissakes! You can't compare that with some dumbass in a suit, not shakin hands with bitches and takin up 2 subways seats with his big stinkin ass. I'd become a Chassid if we could get rid of all the fundamentalist Muslims.

But yo - I live in NY, so I don't have to put up with mass quantities of Islamic Fundamentalists, Christain Fundamentalists, or Heaven's Gaters: I HAVE had to put up with a whole shit ton of obnoxious Chassids, which is why they piss me off, which is why I'm blogging about them here on my fuckin BLOG, which you don't have to read, Frankenstein. As a bonus, I don't give into terrorism, NIGGA, so back the fuck up and save the threats for your wife.

So that's all I'll say about that; Now quit makin me get all black and shit, it makes me DUMBER every time I have to use that gland, like some Bruce Banner shit.

Now listen, Astute Reader; take my hand nohomo, and join me in the beautiful blognigger world of making fun of everyone, especially ourselves and each-other. If you don't, we're still gonna make fun of you anyway, so you might as well join us and laugh. Try it - start right now: Instead of all that angry ass shit, just say this: "Blognigger... Suck... MY... Balls"

try it! "Blognigger, fuck you faggot!"

try it! "Blognigger, suck my muthafuckin DICK"

try it! "Raaaazor...RAZOR! Miiiirooor....MIRROR!"

I swear to Jesus, Allah, Yahweh AND The Elder Member of The Evolutionary Level Above Human, that if ALL yall tight ass muthafuckas could just learn to tell people to suck your dicks instead of jumping for lawsuits and explosives and destruction, you would SAVE this fuckin planet and we wouldn't all die in a nuke war in 2012.

Enough; I know you won't do it. Just sayin is all. However, like a talentless old boss of mine used to say, "I expect senior folks to lead by example." So here I go:

Astute Reader, you want an apology? Suck my muthafuckin DICK.

Tell Blognigger: You Will Be Sorry.

Astute reader writes,

Date: Tue, Aug 4, 2008 at 10:29 PM
Subject: Your Blog
To: blogngr

Sir,

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a Jew. My grandparents are survivors of the Holocaust. I was born in Brooklyn in our great country, went to school here, lived here my whole life. I am an American, but first I am a Jew.

Let me be honest. I dont like your blog. I dont like the way that you position yourself. I dont like your use of the N word. Its always amazing to me street children using the word to curse each other,, using the word like it was a compliment. Its one thing for them to do it. But for you who obviously has a big expensive education and a brain on your shoulders. I dont understand why youwould disrespect yourself and your people like that. Ill tell you it makes me angry but its none of my business what you do with your own people.

What you do with your people, thats none of my business. Your people. But when you take it to my people, that becomes my business.

In your post today, you showed a very serious disrespect for religion and for the Jewish people. You are cursing a very serious matter which our g-d has commanded us to follow. Maybe religious belief and the word of g-d is something that its very easy for you to think is a joke but it doesnt give you the right to drag g-d and his people through the mud. Look at the comments on your post. youve made a place for people to come and be anti-semitic and laugh at Jews.

You have freedom of speech because of our great country which I hope you appreciate.

What you do not have is the right to do is to discriminate on people based on their appearance or their religion. What you did to this man was illegal, in g-d's eyes yes, and since you dont care, let me remind you it is ILLEGAL according to the state of New York as well.

Let me give you this offer. Tomorrow, for your post, you make it one big apology to the jewish people. Give us that post. Explain why you wrote what you wrote, and why it was wrong. Just have respect, be respectful, apologize, and we can go our seperate ways.

If you do not apologize, I will take it that you are not sorry for the hatred, and Im telling you Im going to take action. I can find out who you are and where you work. You think bloggers are anonymous but its ridiculous. I can find out who you are, and remember that what you did is illegal. It is illegal not to hire someone based on religion and I will hold you and your company for it. You will lose your job. If you think I am joking try me.

Also, I also dont think that Google should be paying for a site like yours, a site that teaches hate, and thats exactly what they are doing by putting ads on your homepage. If you do not apologize, I will write to Google. Everyone in my community will write to google to get your funding removed. I will show them that you are a hate site, and that to support them will result in a boycott.

I am absolutely serious about this sir. I urge you to think of it. It takes a simple apology, and an agreement not to do it again. If you dont apologize, I can guarantee you you will lose your job and I will press charges on you for discrimination.

Dont write me back because I dont care to speak about it.
Make it your post for tomorrow or the next day, by Wednesday morning if there is no apology, Im going to act, and believe me when I tell you I will win this. Believe me when I tell you you will be sorry now or then.

You went too far sir, but its not too late for you if you just apologize.
Very truly yours,
-snip-


Normally I don't share my hate mail, but this one has a deadline. Looks like I have until high noon tomorrow.

Got any advice?

Gotta admit the guy has some set 'a matzaballs.

So check this out – I'm in the elevator on Friday, heading back up to work after lunch, and there's this young chassidic guy who steps into the elevator with me. Homeboy's enormous: must be 6 foot 5 and he's shaped like a bottle of Manischewitz. Real young looking, doesn't even have the hardcore sideburns yet – more like just a bunch of pubic hair chillin on his face. He obviously doesn't even glance my way, as is customary for the chassids.

Like I've said before, I'm used to having white people kiss my ass everywhere I go, but chassidic jews are the absolute exception. I've always assumed that they all just dislike the shfatzas, but my best friend tells me that no, that's just how they roll with everyone who isn't them. He says that they generally act like they're the only people on the planet, just behaving like complete assholes to everyone who isn't wearing the getup.

So I'm in the elevator checking my hatemail on the ol' gPhone, and I don't really stop to consider the chassid at all because I'm used to seeing them in the building: There's like a tailor shop or somesuch on the 5th floor, so dem niggas is always going up and down in our elevator. (there's literally a tailor shop - it's a specialty place for their suits and whatnot – I'm not just saying it all racialist like "oh there's a bank in our building," or "oh there's a herring monger in our building," or "oh there's an undercover hollywood-control-facility in our building," etc)

Imagine my surprise though, when the guy goes past 5, and then gets off at my floor! Oh snap, I thought: Wonder what this nigga's up to.

So we walk together past the reception desk, and lo, there's our Engineering HR Director apparently waiting for the chassid! She's all bubby and shit, as usual, like they all are: just strippers paid to woo engineers and big-up our health benefits.

She reaches out her hand and gushes to him, "Hello Moishe, Lisa Steinberg, it's great to meet you!!" You can tell she's being extra sacchariney sweet to overcompensate for the fact that he's a chassid. She wishes she could say "Ohmygod, just so you know, I TOTALLY love you because I have NOTHING against inbred goliaths who dress like they're in 18th century Lithuania. In fact, it totally works for you, just like, stylistically, and I also totally admire your steadfastness and aversion to bathing."

But wait...

Something isn't right; Her hand is outstretched, orphaned for just a moment too long. Within a few more miliseconds, it becomes clear that he isn't going to shake her hand. Holy. Fuckin... I grab the popcorn, and kick back to watch the trainwreck.

He puts up his hands in apology - "Aye...am soggrry." he says, shaking his head but not really apologizing, "I cannot uh...."

But she ain't givin up shit; keeps her hand outstretched, and is not lettin the nigga get out of it without a FULL explanation. It's quite remarkable what is occurring: her inner, reptilian brain has involuntarily prioritized being a PROUD HUMAN AMERICAN FEMALE before her outer, cerebral-cortex desire to be a politically-correct retard. Go Lisa Steinberg!

"Uhhhh," he continues... "We cannot, uh - I don't shake hands with a woman for my religion I am sorry."



YEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH BOYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

The blood is completely drained from her face.

"Oh, ok, I understand Moishe, come this way please and have a seat while blahblahblah," they trail off to go fill out forms and shit.

I think I remember swallowing for the first time right then. I can't fuckin WAIT to go tell everyone. That shit is fucked UP!!!!

So finally, when "Lisa Steinberg" is done, I go and bombard her office.

"What the FUCK is up with that shit!!!?," I tease her, "Oh no he di-int!"

She's shaking her head: "I mean, I just.... ," she stammers, all psyched that I was a witness.

"You can't hire a muthafucka like that, right? I mean... "

She looks up at me: "I really hope he sucks."

He sucked. I met with him, and he totally blew. Thank god. But the point is this: How you gonna go, into the modern American world, hooking up that 18th century shit?

Listen, I'm all for religious freedom in an abstract sense, but niggas GOTTA be prepared to pay the price. You can't not be willing to shake hands with women and be in business if you're not in Kandahar; how we gonna send his ass out to a client?? Yall know I fuck around and post videos of Sean Connery tearin' it up and shit, but come now; Won't shake a woman's hand??? Man, I don't give a FUCK what your religion says, that shit cannot even ALMOST hang in 1988 nyc... And it's 2008, son!!

Consider his offering, if you will, from a branding perspective: who the FUCK wants the same shock / confusion / distaste that Lisa and I felt to be a part of their customers' experience?

INTRODUCTIONS

Hello, we're the team you're paying millions of dollars to hire. We're excited to be providing bleeding edge technical solutions for your enterprise, and are delighted to be working with you, 'cept for the nigga we keep in the corner who look like frankenstein and can't touch your hand cause you might be on your peroid or just a dirty cocksucking whore. Now where all the money at?

That religious tolerance shit is ROUGH, jack; Some short-haired white females want you to be tolerant of everything. I'm just dying to go up to their little booth where they chill next to the adopt-a-dog shit out front of John Jay on 7th and be like...

Religious Tolerance in the house!!!! Respect! (act all Black and shit so they have to listen to me and nod, respectfully receiving my empowering blackSupport) You guys are really doing the lord's work here, I tell ya... I mean, look at Pakistan - the country has been oppressed by the Bush regime for the last 7 years. So they believe that women should be covered up, big deal, yaknow? Pakistani men aren't bad, it's just a part of their culture! And who are Americans to disrespect their religion, you know? And if Pakistani women even look a man in the eyes they get stoned to death! But that's when tolerance becomes more important than ever, you know? When you're challenged by these painful differences and forced to like, look in the mirror? I mean, it's not how WE do things necessarily but, it's just so part of this WESTERN way of thinking that our beliefs are somehow superior, you know? Anyway, keep doing the lord's work here girlies. And fuck those sandy bitches, right? Why should they read, yaknow? ok cuties? ok honeypies? my bitches? my hot slut bitches? Ok bye baby bitches BITCH. bye honey titty girly girl bitches. Whatchoo got under dem curtains chickenlittle? -- " (etc etc etc until chased from the premises.)

It would be cool to film this entire interaction so that we could watch frame-by-frame to see exactly where their faces drop; to pinpoint the instant that they realize I'm not an African American but rather just a disturbed, run-of-the-mill nigger.

My endorsement wouldn't mean nearly as much.

But hey, the lack of said endorsement was enough to keep Moishe from getting a job at my company. Not that anyone else liked him either... You feel me on this? Think our clients, especially female ones, would be understanding of his little "idiosyncrasy?"

Ever had an experience like this? Where you at?